Artemis hadn't thought out what she thought would happen once her parents met Regulus and Marlene, but it certainly wasn't this.

They were all sitting around a large round table, flickering candles illuminating the room. Snow fell peacefully outside the dark window, casting Paris in a white sheet. The food smelled delicious, but Artemis couldn't bring herself to eat anything. There was a foreign warmness present at the table, a warmness that Artemis had never received. Her parents laughed loudly at any joke Regulus or Marlene told, nodded along to their stories, and smiled anytime they spoke.

Artemis' stomach twisted as her mother beamed at Marlene as she passed the basket of rolls over. Vance beamed at Tobias as the boy told a story about his father. It was unnatural to see them this happy, this amiable.

In the two hours since they had arrived, neither her mother nor her father had uttered a word to Artemis. It hurt more than it should.

"And how is your mother, Regulus?" her mother was asking, smiling prettily at him.

"Very well, thank you," he responded, nothing but Pureblood politeness. Artemis scowled deeply at her untouched plate of food.

"I'm glad to hear it," Vance Avery said. "You know, I grew up with your mother. Yours too, Harper."

Harper Rookwood smiled and nodded, her hand intertwined with Apollo's beneath the table. "My mother's very fond of you," she said softly.

Next to Artemis, Marlene was speaking with Tobias Mulciber, their voices hushed. Artemis caught the several glances that Tobias was giving Marlene as he blankly nodded along to what she was saying. Marlene didn't seem to even notice.

Merlin, what Artemis would give to be looked at like that. To be looked like she was a person, just a person. Not a slut, not a crime scene, not a fucking disaster, but a person.

This had been a terrible idea, inviting Marlene and Regulus. Artemis had thought Marlene would piss her parents off, seeing as she was a Half-blood Gryffindor. But the opposite had happened, leaving Artemis alone. She had thought that her parents would be cold and hostile to Marlene, yell at Artemis for daring to bring along a blood-traitor, but Artemis wasn't capable of receiving even that kind of attention. Her parents hadn't even acknowledged her presence, as if she were a ghost that they just couldn't see.

Her grip tightened on the fork in her hand. Vance laughed at something Regulus said, and Artemis stood up suddenly, as if her chair had caught fire.

She stood there for a moment, unsure of what she wanted. That was a lie —Artemis wanted her parents to see her. But they continued their conversations, not bothering to even glance at their beautiful, broken daughter. Only Regulus, Marlene, Apollo, and Harper had looked up at her, staring with innocent, questioning gazes.

She slammed her fork onto the table, its clattering noise tearing through the air. Artemis stalked away, her stomach just as empty as her heart.

She didn't want anyone to follow. But more than that, Artemis wanted them to chase after her.

No one did.

Artemis stormed through the kitchen, her mind not even processing what she was doing. Her hand was reaching in the cabinet, searching for something. Her fingers wrapped around the neck of a cool glass bottle that she took no time removing from the cabinet. Two bottles of firewhiskey in hand, Artemis stalked up the stairs.

She moved by muscle memory only, her feet knowing which direction her room was. There was a plan, half-written in her mind. Artemis know only where it began and ended.

She uncorked the bottle and raised it to her lips. The alcohol burned like fire as it snaked down her throat. Artemis relished the pain and took another deep sip.

Her plan was simple. Began: firewhiskey. Ended: death.

Artemis stumbled into her room, closing the door behind her gently. Half the bottle was already gone, but that was good. She would have to drink fast if she wanted this to work.

She walked, her steps clumsy, to her bed. Artemis stood before it, wavering uncertainly. Beds weren't for sleeping; beds were for fucking and forgetting. She tore the blankets and pillows from the bed, and Artemis collapsed onto the heaping pile of them. She took another drink of firewhiskey.

Maybe she should care.

It burned through her veins, igniting every cell in her body.

Maybe she should forget.

It consumed her, burning up every last piece.

Maybe she should tell someone.

It was a fire, and it wouldn't stop until she burned.

Maybe she should...

The bottle was empty. Artemis threw it against the wall, and the glass shattered horribly. She was already reaching for the other bottle, already taking another sip. It hurt. Dying should hurt. Artemis should feel every sin she had ever committed as she crossed into death.

She wanted to cry. But even drunk, Artemis couldn't.

Drunk. She was drunk. That would explain why everything looked wrong, why her head pounded loudly, why her door was opening.

"Artemis," said a voice.

Artemis only smiled. Nothing was real. That had been the truth all along, hadn't it? Nothing was real and nothing mattered.

"Nothing matters," she muttered aloud, happy to hear her words come out as smooth.

"Merlin, Artemis, what happened?"

Artemis squinted and found a girl standing above her, blonde hair shining like a beacon.

"Hello, Marlene," Artemis grinned. "Come to
watch me die?"

Marlene's image swam uncertainly, flitting in and out of focus as if she were standing on the other side of a foggy mirror. Artemis tipped the bottle back, enjoying the pain.

"What the hell, Artemis? How much have you drank?"

Artemis frowned. There had been another bottle, maybe. There was an echo of glass shattering, of glass flying like a broken rainbow. But maybe it had never been real.

"Go back downstairs," Artemis slurred. "They'll worry."

"I'm more worried about you, at the moment," growled Marlene. Suddenly, the bottle was out of Artemis' hand.

"Give that back," she said weakly, reaching for it. But Marlene had already walked away, placing the mostly empty bottle on a table.

"What were you thinking?" snapped Marlene. She was angry. Artemis laughed loudly as the beautiful angry girl crossed her arms.

"What is wrong with you?" Marlene shouted, her face turning red.

"Everything," choked Artemis through her laughs. "Every-fucking-thing is wrong with me."

But it wasn't funny anymore. She had been so close to dying, so close to finally ending everything. And Marlene had taken that from her, stolen it.

"Give it back," Artemis demanded, trying and failing to stand up. She fell back onto the mess of blankets.

"Do you even care about anything?" Marlene asked, her voice louder than anything Artemis had ever heard. She winced as the girl continued. "Did you even care that your family is right downstairs? That Regulus and I would have found you dead?"

Artemis said nothing. How could she, when her heart and mind and soul were empty, barren like a desert?

"You know, I used to think you not caring made you cool, made you tough. But it doesn't." Marlene was crying. Artemis listened to her, yelling through tears. But still, she felt nothing. "It just makes you a bitch."

"A bitch?" Artemis echoed. It felt right. First year Artemis would never have said the word, least of all apply it to herself. But First year Artemis was dead, killed by Henry Grisham. "You're right, Marlene. I'm a bitch."

But Marlene wasn't done. "I care about you, dammit! I care about you, but you couldn't give a damn about that, could you? Because you're just Artemis Avery, the Slytherin slut that can't last a week without fucking a boy! You think I don't know why you brought Regulus with you? You think I don't notice the way you look at him like it's just a matter of time? You think I don't notice when you steal ingredients from Potions to make yet another contraceptive? I do notice, and I fucking worry! But that doesn't matter, not when you ask me to kill you, not when you yell at me for trying to be nice, not when you try to kill yourself! Nothing matters to you because you've never faced any real consequences. Life is just a big fucking game for you, isn't it?"

Artemis was hollow. The monster that roared in her mind was creeping beneath her skin, desperate to get out. Her head was clear for the first time as Marlene glared at her, fists clenched, eyes red from crying and anger.

Artemis snapped, the monster inside her howling as it was released.

"You think this is a game?" she shouted, pushing herself up to her feet. Artemis wobbled, but she didn't allow herself to fall. Marlene glared at her, tears falling from her accusatory eyes. "You think I've never faced consequences? My whole life is a giant consequence. You don't know shit about me! You can act like you know me, like you care, but you're just like everyone else. You don't care; you just pretend and act like it's the same thing. But really, you hate me. How could you not? I'm a fucking disaster, I'm a broken mess that's easier to hate than to fix. Some things just aren't fixable. You can try and you can pretend, but you can never fix me. But you never wanted to, did you? You just wanted to pretend to fix me. But I've been messed up for years, and I can't change what happened."

Artemis took a step forwards, wanting more than nothing than to hit Marlene, to force her own pain upon the girl. Marlene took a fearful step backwards. But it didn't erase the anger from her gaze.

"I'm covering it up," Artemis continued, her words sharper than any blade. "That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? What's one set of fingerprints on your body when there are dozens of others covering them up? It's almost like they were never there. Except I can still see them. I can still see him."

Artemis was sobbing now, all anger gone. Because she was ruined and she would never be whole again. And it didn't matter what Marlene thought of her because the truth was written all over her skin and it was time someone else could read it.

"He's in every one of my dreams, he's always there! And I can't get rid of him, I just fucking can't. And I'm sick of pretending like I can, and I'm sick of him living like my shadow. I want out, Marlene, why can't you just fucking let me?"

"Who are you talking about?" Marlene asked, her voice loud. "I'm not just going to stand by while you just kill yourself!"

Artemis tried to laugh, but it came out as a sob. "You don't care! Just admit it!" she opened her arms out wide, as if inviting Marlene to say it. "It's just you and me, Marlene. No one will judge the perfect Gryffindor not being so perfect. Tell me you don't care."

"Don't tell me I don't care!" Marlene was suddenly right in front of her, her hands clutching Artemis' face. For once, Artemis didn't pull away. "Don't tell me how I feel? I love you, dammit! I'm in love with you, you stupid bitch!"

Marlene released Artemis, as if shocked by her skin. She took an uncertain step away, a hand floating up to her mouth. Marlene looked horrified.

I love you. The words hung in the air uneasily, firm in their belief but wavering in their confidence. They hung like clumsy clouds, like a beautiful beginning, like a damning ending. Marlene only stared at them, at the space they occupied between her and Artemis.

I love you. But it was impossible.

Artemis only shook her head. "You don't. You can't love me. You can't love what's broken. I was raped, Marlene. No one can fucking love me."

She shoved Marlene out of her room, ignoring her horrified, wide-eyed stare. Artemis twisted the lock on the door shut, kicking down the bottle of firewhiskey. Glass shattered and amber liquid leaked from it, running across the floor like blood.

Artemis collapsed onto the pile of blankets on the ground. Her head pounded, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain inside her own heart.

She hated herself for telling. She hated that it was Marlene.

And she hated hurting the beautiful Gryffindor, even if it was for Marlene's own good.

You can't love what's broken.

Artemis squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking onto the blankets. It was the truth. And Artemis was broken.

•••

-THOUGHT I MADE OUT YOUR REPLY
IN THE SECONDS BETWEEN SOUND AND LIGHT-

[ everything that helps you sleep / julien baker ]