Title: Natalie's Diary

Author:KeriHalfacre

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: PG-13. (There's death, but not extremely detailed or gory scenes.)

# of chapters: 20

# of chapters I read: 3

Summary/Blurb:

 Natalie Driscoll is dead.

Much like how she flung herself out a window, Natalie also flung Jane into the middle of Cullfield's mysteries. Following Natalie's instructions leads Jane to three other high school students and all of them seem to have something to hide, something that might have to be unraveled through the course of following Natalie's diary. 

Review:

Cover:

More Tumblr aesthetics, but I like how neat everything looks. The text is aligned with the edges of the cover and white box in the middle, and the font doesn't take away from the image on the back. I'm assuming that the two girls are Natalie and Jane, and they seem like two very distinct people, even though I can't see their faces.

There is something about the way they stare into the fog, into the unknown, that gives this cover a darker feel to it—usually diaries are seen as silly things, owned by teenage girls with mundane lives, but this diary is a lot more intense than that. It's the key to explaining why Natalie committed suicide, and there's nothing funny about that. I'm really intrigued by the cover, and I think it really matches the genre of the story. So, good job. 

Blurb:

The blurb is short and sweet. You grabbed my attention with "Natalie Driscoll is dead", because I immediately wanted to read on and find out who this person is and why they died. I wasn't disappointed. I'm also given a glimpse into an intricate web of mysteries, and of course—curiosity gets the better of me and I want to read on to find out more. 

One of my concerns for this is the fact that the infamous diary doesn't come in until the end of the blurb. In the sentence, "Following Natalie's instructions leads Jane to three other [...]" it seems like Natalie is still alive, even though she's actually dead and Jane is following the instructions taken from the girl's diary. Also, clarify whether Jane is a friend or a mere acquaintance, because, at this point, they are only connected by this underlying web of mysteries. 

But to get to Natalie's diary, Jane would have to know about it, so maybe just introduce Jane as "her friend Jane". Finally, I don't think Cullfied has to be mentioned unless you can make a connection between the girls' high school and the town itself—because right now the two things seem disconnected from one another. Like Cullfield has its own mysteries, and then a random girl commits suicide. 

Other than that, I'm intrigued already, and I'm ready to be awed. 

First Impression:

Fuck, the opening was very intense and definitely not what I expected. I didn't think I'd actually have to "witness" Natalie being impaled by the fence, I thought the first chapter would be the day after, or maybe the school mourning her loss or something. But not this, never this. The chapter title, "shock" really described the way I felt.

It seems that you have a knack for opening chapters/ pieces with powerful lines—we start with "it began with a scream," and I was like, crap, is someone getting killed out there? I didn't have a setting or context to place it in, so, of course, I had to read on to find out. It's a very clever way of hooking the reader, and it 300% worked for me.

In fact, I was engrossed by the rest of the chapter as well, not only because of that but also thanks to the imagery you employed to show us the events. It's very important in scenes like this, namely the "high-impact" ones (like this was an emotionally charged chapter), that you express the importance of the scene through your words. Even though this is just a first chapter, it's a very pivotal moment for the story, because it kind of sets off this snowball effect. A teenager committing suicide, an event which unfortunately is too common in today's world, actually has more to it than what meets the eye. Mystery is a genre in which you can either hit or miss and think that you've definitely hit the bullseye with this beginning.

There are only a couple of things which I feel could use some clarification:

a) "It began with a scream. Blood curdling, from out the window [...]" I felt like these sentences were a little odd together because it made me think that the screaming came from someone jumping out the window, even though you meant for it to come from Mrs. Driscoll on the front lawn.

So I think it should be: "It began with a blood-curdling scream. It came from outside my window, the last sound you want to [...]". This places the protagonist more clearly in an indoor setting while the sound outdoors.

b) "That was a sound that could inspire legends of banshees."—I felt like this metaphor didn't really work for this situation, because of the humorous tinge to it. I know that it wasn't what you were going for when you added it in, but that's how it's coming across to me; it almost takes away from the gravity of the situation.

c) I was unsure about what iron fence you were talking about until 3/4 of the way through the chapter when it was mentioned that Natalie had jumped out her window and onto the fence. I think you should place the fence into context earlier, as to not leave me wondering what fence you were talking about for the better part of the chapter.

d) "[...] it struck me that the mailbox was ajar. On a Saturday night."—I found this strange because there is so much chaos going on, the protagonist is in obvious shock, so she wouldn't be as observant of her surroundings as she would normally be. I think the mailbox should be either fully opened (or with the flag thing raised? Is that what postmen do when they put in a package?) so that it can catch her eye better.

That's all I can say, because the chapters that came after had me on edge, especially when Jane saw that shadow in the mirror, I felt my heart stop in my chest. I legit thought that it was Natalie's ghost or something, but then it was just a towel and I was like...okay, I guess I won't be sleeping tonight.

I don't know what to expect or what will happen next, and I love it, but you've also managed to introduce the key plot points right from the beginning. The three people introduced in chapter 2 seem completely unrelated, bu,t of course, they aren't—what makes it work is the fact that Jane hadn't been at school for nothing more than a year, so she can't really know about something that happened, let's say, in the fifth grade. Especially when you go to a big school, where you don't know everybody, just a selected few that share your classes, etc.

And then that third chapter...my God. I won't say anything more. Everything's just amazing and so mysterious and—you get it. This is amazing. I said it twice. 

Writing Style:

The strongest point here is the figurative language. You create a balance between the narration and description, which wasn't flowery and overdone, but really reflected the character's personality. The story is written in the first person POV, so it's important that the character shine's through in the narration—for example, in chapter 2 when Jane talked about sneaking around like a Japanese ninja, I thought it was something that suited the character really well. In the third person perspective I would've been a little skeptical about the employment of this simile, but in her case it works! Her voice really shined through the writing, and there really was emotional depth to her character.

The only concern here is the grammar and punctuation—these errors were mostly in the form of awkwardly-worded sentences, missing words, lack of commas....it wasn't something that happened too frequently, and it's due to the sporadic nature of these errors that made them that more obvious. It's like when someone has a perfectly clean face, but then you see one or two pimples on it. It's hard to ignore them when they just jump out at you like that. 

Please get an editor to look over these, it's really a shame because everything else is fantastic.

Characters:

Jane—The protagonist, and is a POC. Think I wouldn't notice? Think again, because I did. Diversity in a story is hard to come about, and I'm glad this is done here, but not in an awkward manner. I like how you interlace her cultural beliefs with her way of life (such as the superstition), it really added color to the story. I saw Jane more as a person than a character, so this made her very relatable and easy to empathize with. She seems to be very inquisitive/curious, but not stupid, and definitely has the courage of a lion—if I got a bunch of messages by a girl I found deceased on the side of my house, I probably would spend the rest of my life praying in church. 

Mr./Mrs. Driscoll—They don't play too much of a role in the story (even though they are the parents of the deceased), so I'll talk about them as one. It was obvious to me that these people had family problems long before the suicide of their daughter—otherwise, why would they have moved away so quickly? They seemed very antisocial in their behavior, which explains they apathy of the surrounding neighborhood and even their daughter's fellow student. Obviously, people's rudeness cannot be justified by this, but it does play a role in their move. Mr. Driscoll especially seemed shady as hell.

Kate—Took me a moment to link her name to the girl with the red lipstick and daughter of the local real estate agent. She didn't seem very nice to me during her first appearance, but that's probably because she just saw a massive bloodstain belonging to a human being and obviously was rooted in place by it. She's also not supposed to be your stereotypical "mean girl", so I think that she won't be too hard to talk to later on in the story.

Rhys—The bad boy with the weirdly spelled name. I'm so glad that you didn't try to include any unnecessary romantic tension between him and Jane, I hate when authors do that as a 'sub-plot'. I disliked the way he imposed himself on her, both with his actions and his unwavering gaze..his height also played in favor of his hyper-masculinity. I'm glad Jane didn't fall in the trap and has her head on her shoulders.

Dean—The friendly nerd. I haven't seen him in 'action' yet (unless you count in action as in trying to break into a house) but it seems like he was the closest one to Natalie. I guess because he was the one to take the initiative to look for the letter, rather than needing Jane to hand it over to him. It's hard to have a proper impression of him after only three chapters. 

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 9

I'm giving this a nine because of how enjoyable it was. Seriously, I'm not usually a fan of Mysteries/Thrillers because I'm a super wimp. When I watched Harry Potter as a kid, I literally cried and ran away during the scene where he had to fight that Cerberus-looking dog. But even though I may have read only the first three chapters, it was enough for me to want to continue this book. 

According to the author, they are an 'amateur writer', but in all honesty, this book is better than a lot of works from 'experienced' authors I've seen on here. Just make sure you fix up that grammar/punctuation (plus loopholes I found in chapter 1)  because that's really the only thing I could truly comment on.

I'm adding this to my Diamond In The Rough reading list, and I suggest that for all those mystery lovers out there, you check this out. 

Good work!