Chapter 34
Sien Pelarez

"Tatanungin lang naman natin, eh! Bakit ba ayaw mo? Just get out if you don't want to hear her answer," mapanuyang sabi ni Jayce.

That did it for me. This ridiculous game really pissed me off! Hindi na dapat itinatanong kay Mae kung sino ang mas gwapo sa amin noong Xander dahil alam kong ako ang isasagot niya. Dapat ako!

It really should be me, right? 'Cause I know I'll answer her name over someone else, so she should do the same... even just for courtesy.

Courtesy. Ito na lang yata ang aasahan ko.

Tulad ng nakasanayan ay inimbitahan ko siya sa bahay dahil kay mom. Gustong gusto niya si Mae, not only because she's her, but my mom really wanted her for me. Siguro ay nakasanayan niya na lang din dahil matalik ko siyang kaibigan at palaging siya ang bukambibig ko kahit minsan sumosobra na, at kahit wala na sa lugar.

But that is Sien Pelarez for you, I'll always say Mae's name. I'll always tell stories about her, joke about her, anything... anything about my damn best friend.

"Hindi ko 'to titiklupin. I'm not your maid!" she whined when I forced her to put away my clothes.

"Ganyan ka ba sa magiging asawa mo kapag pagod galing sa trabaho? Ang damot mo naman," I said.

"Hindi ka naman galing sa trabaho," sagot niya habang pinapasadahan ng tingin ang nakakalat kong damit.

Napangisi ako. I didn't drop any name nor did say that I am his hypothetical husband. But something inside me had brightened up. Then I start to wonder, really wonder about the decisions I've chosen these past few years.

I gotta admit, Cazandra isn't a typical girl. Maton ang isang 'to, isang mali na galaw ko lang ay bugbog na ako rito. Isang biro ko lang sa kanya ay halos isang oras na ako sisigawan. What surprise me the most was that I enjoy it. Every time. Kapag hindi siya nagagalit sa akin ay hinahanap hanap ko kaya't wala ring araw na hindi ko siya tinitigilan.

I know what I feel for her, or at least I think I know. I realized that one day when she snapped at me. Iba iyong Mae na nakita ko noong inilalatag na niya sa akin ang lahat ng katangahan ko dahil lang sa isang babae. Sanay ako sa sigaw niya at sa bawat masasakit na salita. But that day when she told me she doesn't support me on my unending quest of winning her friend back, I knew she was done.

I tried to hide my confusion by acting strangely hurt. Gusto kong matawa sa sarili ko dahil iba ang napagtanto ko mula sa sinabi niya. I should think about all of my dimwitted attempt of stealing another girl from the man she loves, right? But all that I could think about that night was Mae.

I realized that I'm more than desperate to mask what I really feel for her by pining over another girl. Palagi kong ipinapaalala sa sarili ko na 'wag taluhin si Mae dahil kaibigan ko siya. But then who am I to fight love?

One morning I was ready to accept things already and to put things into place once and for all, but then I got dissuaded.

"Jayce, what do you think of Mae?"

"She's your best friend," ngumisi siya. He did a three point shot before passing me the ball. "You're not going to hit on her, are you?"

Hindi ako nakasagot. Ako naman ang tumakbo para iwasan siya at makapag-shoot sa ring. Tumawa si Jayce at umiling iling.

"Unbelievable! Sinasabi ko na nga ba! Hindi pwedeng walang mahuhulog sa inyong dalawa, e. So anong plano mo nga? Liligawan mo? Paano kung hindi ka gusto? Edi magkakalintikan na. Masisira friendship nyo."

Pagka-shoot ko sa bola ay hinarap ko siya.

"Chill! I only asked what you think of her. Your spiel made it look like I'm asking her to marry me," tumawa ako ngunit ngumiwi pa siya.

"Damn, Sien! Kilala kita. You and your filthy secrets. I know that if it were up to you, damn, you will ask that girl to marry you right frickin' now!"

"Hindi nga! I won't! Okay na ba?"

Jayce shrugged. Kinagabihan ay napaisip na naman ako. Siguro ay dapat ko siyang sundin, wala naman iyong ginawa para mapasama ako. Except the days when he would ask me to cut class to eat or play ball.

Then I met Kayla. I'm supposed to be polite and call her Ate but I couldn't. Maganda siya. Definitely my type, plus she's a dancer! What can you not admire about a girl who dances?

"It's Ate Kayla. Don't stutter!" chastised pissed Mae.

What was she so crossed about? T@ngina gusto ko nito! Nagseselos ba siya? I'd like to see more of this.

"I couldn't help if it she's too hot when dancing. I mean, she's older, I know. Pero ang ganda niya, Mae, that I didn't really want to call her Ate, you know?"

Napapaangat ang kanyang kilay. Her lips are parted like she doesn't know who she's talking to right now. Namumula ang kanyang pisnge... maybe because of emotions? Nagseselos nga siya!

"Sien, d-don't. Not Ate Kayla, please. You are better than that!"

Gusto kong maawa sa kanya. I want to stop playing her but I'm enjoying this. Gusto ko itong pakiramdam. I need this to gather evidence. I need to investigate the probability of her liking me back. So I didn't stop.

But eventually, it backfired at me... the horrible things I planned. Napapalapit siya doon sa Ravi. Pinalayo pa niya ako. Wala akong nagawa, I didn't want to anger her more.

"Just give me my summer, Sien!"

I backed off. The intensity of her words was too much. Hindi niya na nagugustuhan itong ginagawa ko. Hindi ko intensyon na gamitin ang ibang babae para magtago pero iyon kasi ang pinakamadaling paraan. Kung hindi iyon, ano ba ang mas mabisa? Ang hirap na nga nitong tinutuon ko ang atensyon ko sa iba dahil sumisingit pa rin siya, paano pa kung wala?

Damn Cazandra Mae and her ways. Damn her hair, her curves, her smile, her usual innocent inclemency that only I gets to handle.

Binigay ko sa kanya ang hinihingi niyang space. Madaling ibigay pero mahirap panindigan. Everyday I get to suffer from restraining myself to call her or send messages. Isang gabi pa nga ay napanaginipan kong nag-sleep walk daw ako papunta sa bahay nila! Tngina!

Kaibigan, Sien. Hanggang kaibigan lang dapat.

"And now you decided to follow me?" mapait kong tanong nang sundan niya ako palabas ng room.

It's been so long since we last talked because I gave her what she wanted. I gave the summer all to herself.

"Edi 'wag! Ikaw na nga itong—"

"Bakit kasi ngayon lang?" halos isigaw ko na. Iba talaga 'to, ako na nga itong lumalayo siya pa itong naiinis nang habulin ako.

There are things that anyone can try to reason out for me to unlike her. One, the golden rule: Do not fall in love with your best friend. Two, she's annoying and doesn't really give me a break from her banters. Three, I'm still young, I have plenty of years to find the right one for me. Four, well... the list goes on and on.

"Masaya ka na walang koneksyon sa mga kaibigan mo?" tanong ko. I still couldn't stop coating my words with bitterness. She deprived me of her presence for a long time. It's acceptable for me to act this way.

"I talk to my friends."

"What am I to you then? Hindi mo na ba ako kaibigan? Ano bang nagawa ko?"

For a split second I hoped that this was the day that she'll confess. Para akong baliw na naghihintay na sabihin niyang hindi niya lang ako gustong maging kaibigan kundi mas higit pa roon. Pinapaasa niya ako sa mga pabitin niya! Then I remembered something. Her jealousy, and her killer stares when I talk to other girls... iyon ang pinaka-nagpapabaliw sa akin.

"Dammit! Kaibigan, malamang. Sien, gutom ka lang siguro. Kumain na kayo ni Jayce. Sumasakit lang ulo ko sayo."

Nanghina ako. Napaasa ako roon ah!

"Nakakaasar kasi. Lagi na lang akong nanghuhula," sabi ko sa mababang boses.

"Edi 'wag kang manghula. Tapos."

"Ayaw mo kasing sabihin kung ano 'yong mali. Tapos kung hindi naman ako manghuhula hindi tayo maaayos," I spilled the truth.

"Ano ba, Sien. Stop making it seem like we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Kasuka. Please," sabi niya at nakuha pa niyang umirap.

"Nakakasuka?" Shit ang sakit noon! Anong nakakasuka sa akin? Ayaw niya pala talaga sa akin? Tang... "Why, Mae? Why does this sickens you? Tell me."

Nilapitan ko siya. Lumapit ako ng lumapit hanggang sa maalis ko ang espasyo sa pagitan namin. I didn't want her to breathe. I want her to be intimidated by the things I can make her feel. If she's going to breathe, I want her to breathe me.

Pumikit siya. Dammit! Open your eyes now if you don't want to be kissed! Iyong mga panaginip ko na 'yong labi niya ang una kong mahahalikan ay pwede ng matupad ngayon. In one second, I could immortalize that dream. But I wouldn't do that right now.

Gathering strength not to move nor say anything at this proximity was a lot of work. It's a risk to kiss her but I wouldn't dare. It's smart to hold my actions at bay. Because I know what they say, one kiss can change everything.

"Dahil magkaibigan tayo, Sien. That's why. Sino ba ang kaibigang manghahalik sa kaibigan. Ano, ikaw? Sa akin? That's just bull."

That did it for me. It's really friendship to her and I guess nothing more, ever.

"Dude, don't hurt Marj, please?" sabi ni Jayce. Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Don't play innocent."

"Hindi ko sasaktan. Promise."

"Really? The moment you chose her to be the cover-up girl, I know you already did. Sien, kung gusto mo ang best friend mo, go for it. Susuportahan ka naman namin."

Tumaas ang dalawa kong kilay. I'm confused. If I could remember it clearly, he was the one who talked me out of pursuing Mae. What's up?

"We'll work on your ligaw-schemes and pabibo shows until Mae decides she likes you back. Wala namang makakatanggi sa charms mo," sinuntok niya ang dibdib ko at tsaka tumawa. "Pero kung ayaw talaga niya sayo, 'wag ka ng magtataka. Pangit ka pala talaga."

"Bro, ano ba talaga..."

"I'm just kidding!" tumawa siya, "Pero seryoso. Tigilan mo na. Hindi lang ikaw ang nasasaktan sa ginagawa mo."

Ilang beses pa bang guguluhin ni Jayce ang utak ko! Pagkatapos nito ay hindi ko na papakinggan ang kumag na 'to. I sighed. But he's right. Noong una ay ayaw niya lang siguro na masira ang pagkakaibigan namin ni Mae kaya niya nasabi iyon. And now that I'm getting toxic to other people and myself he chose to wake me up from my wicked schemes.

So I stopped.

"Si Mae ang partner mo sa cotillion?" tanong ni Mom. Tumango ako.

Mamaya na ang graduation ball namin. Inaayos ni Mom ang itim kong suit, pinapasadahan niya ito ng kanyang kamay. Pagkatapos ay hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisnge.

"Don't you ever hurt that girl, Sien. Maswerte ka sa kaibigan mong iyon. Keep her out of your jokes."

Nangiti ako. Kung alam lang niya na walang araw akong pinalalagpas na hindi ko iniinis si Mae. Of course I know what Mom meant was far more on the serious side, but I couldn't help but joke about it even now.

"Mom, I'm excited to see her tonight," I said. Nagliwanag ang mukha ni Mom. She's been very vocal about wanting Mae to be my better half. Natuwa siguro siya. "Babagay kaya kami? Mom, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko pag hindi na-complement ng suot ko iyong kanya."

"You worry too much, son. I'm sure you both will complement each other like you always do," convinced mom. Humalik siya sa pisnge ko at iginiya ako papasok ng sasakyan. I'm not even happy that I'm not picking Mae up for tonight. Si Tita Cristi na raw ang bahala roon.

"Magkakahiwalay na kayo ng best friend mo. Don't cry like a baby, okay?" Tinapik tapik ni Jayce ang balikat ko. Tinanggal ko iyon at binigyan siya ng pabirong suntok sa kanyang tagiliran.

"Di 'yon makakatakas sa akin! Susundan ko kahit saan magpunta," tumawa ako.

Napamura ng malakas si Jayce. Ako naman ngayon ang sinusuntok suntok niya. Hinayaan ko lang dahil masaya ako ngayon. Sa akin kasi si Mae ngayong gabi.

I couldn't help but marvel at her beauty. Minsan lang siya magsuot ng make up at kapag may okasyon lang iyon nangyayari. Maganda na siya kapag wala, pero iba siya ngayong gabi. The make-up helped into making me forget that she wasn't my best friend, that I could love her freely with knowledge of the world, and that there's no friendship that would be compromised.

Maybe the coldness of the night was one to blame for all these sappy feelings. Pakiramdam ko nga ay umaapaw na. Lalo na kapag nakikita ko siyang tumatawa. Iyong hapit niyang damit ay hindi talaga nakatulong! The curves weren't there back then. I guess it's the product of going to the gym and dancing. It is pure torture that I cannot run my hands to trace it. One, because it looks scandalous in front of the parents-especially to her family, and two, I don't think it's appropriate because I'm just a friend. And friends don't do that.

"Kuya Sien," tawag sa akin ni Ji. Iniwan ko sina Jayce para makausap ang kapatid ni Mae.

"Bakit, Ji? Is there something wrong?" I asked. Si Mae ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Hinanap ng mata ko ang pwesto niya. Wala naman siya roon. Doon lang naman siya nakaupo kanina at kasama niya sina Jesca.

"Wala. I think this is for you," sabi niya. His arms stretched to hand me a white envelope, "Don't tell Ate I gave that to you."

Tinanggap ko iyong envelope. Tumawa ako nang makita. "Is this a love letter, Ji?"

"I'm not sure. But I think she wants to give it to you, medyo takot lang talaga si Ate. I'm doing her a favor though."

Tinapik ko iyong likod niya. Hinatid ko siya kay Tita Cristi at tsaka umalis. I stayed outside the event place to read the letter.

Nakangiti ako nang mabuksan ko iyong envelope. But as I started to read, grief started to escalate. This letter wanted to tell me one thing. Mae loves me, but for some reason she doesn't want to love me anymore. She hated the feeling. She hated the fact of loving her best friend, and that if there's even a way to fight it she'd do it without blinking... even if it meant the end of our friendship.

The letter that was supposed to be a love letter had actually broke my heart.