Not in the best place mentally at the moment so this is just going to be even more traumatic than I hoped. Sorry, not sorry. Anyway, onto the chapter, I am sorry if I ruin any of your days with this. Byeee *Clap**Clap*

My white knuckles knocked on the door that once opened to a warm, cozy apartment, but now opens to an unknown abyss full of guilt, terror, and screams. I could tell you that I was plunging my head first into the apartment fearless but I would be telling the biggest lie my brain could think off. 

My knees were wobbling so much that they had turned into drums, smashing against each other to create a beat. I was continuingly gulping, knowing that any moment could be one that changes the course of my future, a massive change - a swerve in the road that was leading nowhere. 

It didn't take long for the door to open, to reveal Ben standing there, a smile on his face that I hadn't seen in a while. He pulled me into a hug, swaying us from side to side. I was most certainly confused, had yesterday not happened? 

He pulled me inside, muttering things that went into one ear and out the other. The apartment was still, the only movement coming from Ben in the kitchen behind me. The white vails that covered the windows fluttered slightly in the cool, October wind, but other than that. It was still. Eerie. It was as if no one had been in here for days or even weeks, everything left where it was when I left. 

"I have news." I jumped slightly, turning around to face Ben who had two mugs of Cocoa in his hands, as well as a brown package containing cookies tucked under his arm. "Sit."

I did as instructed, dropping my school bag with a thud on the floor by the coffee table. I practically sank into the welcoming warmth of the sofa, stiff all over from the show tonight. Ben handed me a mug, containing the swirling patterns of milk in the brown liquid. I took a sip, regretting it instantly - a bubbling sensation on my tongue, there goes some of my taste buds. 

"I got a job." 

I practically spit the cocoa out of my mouth in surprise. "You what?" 

He just grinned at me, before standing up to retrieve something. Whilst waiting for him to return a took a cookie, trading its spot on the coffee table with my mug. I nibbled on the side of the cookie, indulging in the chocolate chips that melted in my mouth, taking in the scent that was so special I could not describe it. 

Ben returned, almost skipping into the room carrying a pink binder that was already packed with paper. He handed it to me, beaming. I set the cookie down and looked at the letters printed on the front. 

Mean Girls. Script. Ben Cook. Tyler Kimble. 

I looked up at him, furrowing my brow. I had no idea that this is what he was doing when I was at school. Just auditioning for a Broadway musical. You know, the usual. 

"Well...." he said expectantly. 

"You got a job."

He slowly clapped his hands, "Yes. I did."

I smile and enveloped him in a hug, "Well done! Wait..."

"What?" he said pulling out of the hug. 

"Can I meet the cast?"

"Yes, once we start rehearsals in the theatre." 

"Good good. Do Josh and Lizzy know?"

"Course."  

Ben and I spent the next hour or two, talking over his lines and laughing at some of his directions. He then decided to put some music on, and we had a full out musical theatre jam session. A slow song came on, and I stepped on his feet and we danced around the living room pretending to be from the 1900's. 

It was moments like these where I wish I could freeze time. To stay happy forever, I want to be happy for forever. I haven't had a time like this in a long time, at peace with the world - nothing bothering me. I was in the moment, smiling so wide my face began to hurt. 

But the song came to an end. And the door opened...

-.x.-

I stepped off Ben's feet and he paused the music before the next song could play. We both waited in silence, waiting for the two figures we knew had entered to emerge from the doorway. Soon enough, they did. Josh look worse for wear, not his usual self, bags underneath his eyes as though he had not slept for weeks. Maybe he hadn't. 

Ben stood behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders expectant for the verdict he obviously hadn't known prior to their entrance, yet he knew more than me. Josh walked over to me, taking my hand and leading me over to the other sofa that Ben and I had not occupied. 

"Grace, I need to apologize." I nodded my head, not knowing what to say - I had no words to say to him. "How I was acting..." He trailed off unsure of what to say, words no longer came out of his mouth. I glanced to the side seeing if he was looking at something, but nothing transfixed his gaze, not even Ben and Lizzy. He took my hand again, bringing my gaze back to him. "Grace, they-they think I am ill. " 

"You can get better right?" Thoughts came tumbling out of my mouth unfiltered, a mumbling mess of sound that even I couldn't understand. Questions as well, too many to count of my hands. Was he okay? He had to be okay. 

"I'm - I'm not sure." 

Tears fell down my face, uncontrolled. I gasped for air that never came. I was drowning. He had to be okay. I couldn't live without him. He began to drown too, his cheeks flushing red. He embraced me as if that would somehow help us get to air. 

It did. 

But he wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. 

We wept in each other's arms for what seemed like hours. We wouldn't part. We couldn't part. This moment changed everything. I needed someone to tell me what to do, how to make a difference. I needed to wish that he'd be okay. But I was left to sit where I was. Helpless. We were both helpless. 

"Wh- what is-..." I couldn't even get the question out. I was still chocking. I tried but failed. The sense of feeling helpless remained. My efforts washed away. 

"We don't know yet." It wasn't Josh though. It was Lizzy, with Ben at her side. 

They both joined Josh and me until we were a tangled lump embracing each other. No one spoke, for we had no words. To know that we could lose one of our own, was something that none of us could comprehend. We were all drowning, gasping for air. 

The evening had taken a dark turn, from dancing with a wide smile - knowing the success that was to follow us, to drowning unable to reach the surface. 

"Right," Josh announced, "I want no more of this, if I'm.... not going to be okay I don't want to be crying - besides they don't know yet. I'm going to be okay. So let's stop drowning and do something fun.... like...."

Lizzy finished off for him. "Watching Newsies." 

Both Ben and Josh groaned yet laughed at the same time - something I didn't know you could do. They both wiped their faces and hugged each other. I saw them exchanging whispers and nod, not knowing what they were saying. 

Soon enough we were all squished onto one sofa, under too many blankets to count. I was smiling again, reminiscing on our Newsies tour days, but I knew deep down that I couldn't do it for much longer. I was going to break again. 

My mind filled with what if's. I didn't know what direction I was heading in, but I made sure it was forward. I knew that it would be okay, I could feel it in my bones. Even if we weren't sure now, it wouldn't be too long until we did. That time might be filled with laughter and happiness but it could be filled with anxiety-ridden nail biting. But whichever I chose, I know that what happens will happen and that I must be strong for Josh. For Ben. For Lizzy. For myself. 

With my thoughts spiraling out of control I hadn't noticed that my eyelids threatened to fall, tiredness washing over me like the waves of the ocean. I peacefully closed my eyes, listening to the faint hum of music that I hold dear to my heart surrounded by my family. I had stopped drowning. 

It was going to be okay.