SIX WEEKS LATER

WATCHING HER WALK UP those steps had been one of the hardest things I've done since walking away from her.

Last time it had been my decision, and I had been so angry I could blame it on that anger. This time she made the decision to leave me, and as I stare down at the piece of card in my hand, I realise it was now too late for us.

I realise I'd lost her for good.

You are invited to the wedding of:

Tessa Louise Granger

to

James Edward McGregor

on July 16

at Achnagairn Country Estate

The card isn't addressed to me, it's addressed to Millie and Greg, and I understand why. She doesn't want me to be there. She's made her choice, she's chosen Jamie, just like she was always supposed to.

I've got to let her go.

But what about after that? After the wedding... Now that I know she's made her choice, and I can finally accept it, maybe I could I find my own happiness? Maybe this was a good thing, even if it felt like my chest had been opened with a serrated hacksaw.

I had options. I had loads of options.

I could move back to New York, make a life for myself there, given how successful the company was now. I didn't want to disappoint Millie, especially after promising her that I was back for good, but this was an extraordinary circumstance that I hoped she would understand. If I did leave, maybe she'd forgive me eventually if I promised to come back whenever she needed me. I doubted it, but I was getting ahead of myself. The wedding wasn't until July, a whole seven months away.

I still had plenty of time to come up with a plan.

I hear the door downstairs close, followed by a shout from Millie announcing she was home. I don't move, but soon my bedroom door creaks open and she appears by my side. She looks like she's just back from her run. Her hair is laced with sweat and her cheeks are red, with the faint evidence of rain on her jumper.

"You saw it?"

She takes the card out of my hand and sits down on the bed next to me.

"I can't believe it's so soon," she says, shaking her head. "They both said a few months ago that there was no hurry... and now?" She holds the invitation up.

She has that same look in her that I do. She's worried Jamie is pushing Tessa into something she can't come back from. It isn't the first time Millie's mentioned him doing something like that either, which only made me worry more.

I didn't want to have an opinion about it, mostly because I had no right to have an opinion on the matter, not anymore, not since she made her choice. But the thought of Tessa being pushed into something makes my stomach turn, especially into something as huge as this.

But then I also know that she's strong enough to know her own mind, and that this decision is theirs... not just Jamie's.

I also know where Jamie is coming from. There aren't many girls as special as Tessa is, and there aren't very many people who know what it is to be loved by her either, so I don't really blame him at all for wanting to marry her so soon. Any man lucky enough to have her love would do the same thing.

"Do you think she's..." Millie starts and I look up quickly, panic suddenly running through me.

"Pregnant?"

A momentary sense of panic runs through me as I count the months, but then that panic disappears just as quickly when I remember New York was nearly six months ago. We were careful - we used a condom and Tessa is on the pill - but that didn't stop me from feeling a small pinch of disappointment.

Maybe she is pregnant, maybe that is the reason, but maybe it is just that they are in love, and want to be married as soon as possible.

Whatever it was, I didn't want to think about it anymore.

"Are you nervous about this evening?" Millie asks, getting up to put the invitation somewhere out of sight.

I take a shaky breath as she she sits back down next to me, dropping my head into my hands. "Mils, I can't go."

"No!" She gets up quickly and whips back around to face me before I feel a sharp smack on the side of my head.

"Hey!"

"Archie, you are NOT backing out of this dinner. It's important!"

"It's a rehearsal dinner. Danny will understand."

She scoffs at me. "No he won't. This isn't just a dinner Archie, you know how much this means to both of them."

I shake my head and drop it back into my hands. "Millie I can't. I don't want to." I sigh again. "And it's not just them either, it's everyone else. Danny said Will and Rob will be there, as well as quite a few people I haven't seen since I left. Have you stopped and thought how hard this might actually be for me?" I ask, almost pleading.

She stops for a second, but then shakes her head. "That's incredibly selfish, Archie." Her expression has no sympathy in it whatsoever, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I could hate her in this moment.

"Selfish?"

"Yeah!" She swats me again, this time on my shoulder, and I catch her wrist and push it away.

"Millie, stop hitting me," I warn her.

She doesn't react. "This day isn't about you. Tomorrow isn't about you. And if you're willing to let him down today because you're worried about people seeing you for the first time in years, well then you may as well head back to New York tonight." She crosses her arms. "If you don't go tonight, you'll be letting a lot of people down."

"Millie, that's completely unfair!" I groan.

"Is it? You've known for ages that Rob and Will were coming, and you've known for weeks about Jamie and Tessa. Why are you just making the decision now? When we're due to leave in a few hours..."

"I-" I open my mouth to try and explain myself, or thinking I could just shout at her to get my point across, but then she's right. "Maybe it is selfish for today..." I start, and she raises her eyebrows. "But you'll never understand."

"Understand? Archie I don't need to understand. You're being a dick to the people who love you to cover your own back, blaming it on Tessa or Jamie, and claiming you're doing the right thing, when actually it's just youbeing a fucking coward!"

Coward? I flinch at the word but frown as I stand.

"This is about Tessa and Jamie, yes, but it's also about everyone else!" I shout back at her. "You know what he's like when it comes to me. Jamie will flip his shit, and I can't make it awkward for Tessa, I can't. If he causes a scene, make it bad for Danny and Charlotte, it'll be me they blame, not him. I'm the person everyone has a problem with, the person he has a problem with. That's why I shouldn't go today!"

"Archie, for fuck's sake!" She steps towards me and I flinch, thinking she's going to hit me again. "Tessa and Jamie don't matter today. It's not about them." Her cheeks are red as she shouts at me. "It's Danny and Charlotte who matter. It's their rehearsal dinner, their wedding, and it's them you'd be letting down. Your Danny's best man, Arch! He'll be devastated."Her voice softens towards but her expression says otherwise as she looks almost venomously at me. "Honestly, when are you going to get over yourself!"

She's never spoken to me like this before, not holding back, and I was starting to feel a little scared of her. 

"Get over myself?" I can't quite believe what I'm hearing. It must have been bottling up for a while because she's just suddenly exploded.

"Yeah! Archie, think about someone other than yourself for one fucking minute!"

That did it. That really made me angry.

"Millie! Thinking about other people is all I've fucking done my whole life."

She shakes her head, but I keep going.

"I put myself in the firing line, in front of Dad, so he didn't hurt you or Mum. I left to protect Tessa from who I was becoming. I came home for you. I've always put you, Mum, Tessa, Andy, Matt or anyone first before thinking of myself. How the hell can you turn around and say that now? After everything you know that's happened?"

"You didn't leave for us, Archie," she spits.

Here we go. I knew it would come back to this. It always does.

"I left because I could no longer make anyone happy. After I lost Matt, after I watched him die, and so violently, I knew I could never come back from that. I left to protect you all from the hurt and the guilt that was consuming me, because I knew it would latch on to you too, and pull you right down with me if I stayed. Tessa too."

A tear falls down her cheek as I say it. It's so raw, the pain still so heart-wrenching, that I have to take a deep breath to steady myself before I continue.

"I came back to you because you begged me, because you needed me to, even though it hurt me to go through it all again. I did the same for Tessa, because she needed me to. But don't you ever say I'm a coward. Not you. Not the one person who knows me just as well as Tessa does." My voice cracks on the last few weeks as a lump cracks in my throat.

Her resolve falters for a second as she takes in what I've said.

"And you're right," I concede. "Tessa and Jamie may not matter here, or matter today, but I still don't think I should go."

She throws her arms in the air and curses at me, again.

"It's the night before the wedding, Archie! Not to mention you're supposed to be driving Danny up there tonight." She gestures to my bags in the corner. "What, so you're just going to not turn up and then pick him up later?"

"Maybe." I had been thinking about those logistics, and I hated to admit that Millie was right. That would be odd. "I don't know. Why are you being like this?"

"I'm being like this because I've had enough of your shit, Archie! Enough is enough, and I'm fucking tired of it."

My jaw drops at the fact she's just come out and said it. I know I haven't been her favourite person for a while, but it's clearly all come to a head now and this is her exploding.

"If you're tired of all my shit, then why do you put up with me then? Why not just leave? Why not just leave me to deal with all of this by myself?"

She looks at me sternly for a second but I flinch as she practically shrieks her answer at me.

"Because you're my brother!"

Her voice echoing around my room, bouncing off the empty walls of my room. It would have been a heartwarming statement if she hadn't shouted it like it was an accusation, as opposed to something she was proud of. It also would have been heartwarming if she hadn't stormed out, slamming the door hard enough on the way out that it made the entire house shake.

I sigh and run my hands over my face again, suddenly feeling absolutely exhausted, both physically and mentally.

The last few weeks had been awful, what with Andy still being in the hospital after his pneumonia relapsed, and then not being able to see him because Tessa had asked me to stay away. That, on top of dealing with my thesis and final assignments remotely, had me so stressed that I was shocked I'd even managed to hand in anything, let alone anything good. It was tough to write a thesis about modernism when all I could think about was how big of a screw up I'd been.

They were a distraction though, a relatively unwelcome one, but a distraction all the same, but now that they are finished, I now had the painful weight back on my shoulders, and I'm worried I'll buckle under it all. Millie clearly isn't going to help anymore either, so I had to face it all alone.

I sigh, running my hands roughly through my hair. I push up from the bed and walk over to the lone decoration on my wall, a solitary floor-to-ceiling mirror which had been left here.

I stare at the reflection in it, and I'm ashamed when I don't recognise the shell of the person looking back at me.

He's changed since October. The slump in his shoulders is back, the brightness of his eyes has disappeared, and his skin has a kind of grey tint that can't be healthy. The colour he had gained a few months back has gone, replaced by this sickly, pale hue. But at least the bruises have healed...

I move my hand as he does, smoothing my hand over the beard evident on his chin. I hadn't shaved since I got back, as I had packed in a rush to get back here with Tessa. It wasn't important enough to go back for, and I didn't mind it.

My hair has grown too, with my usually-shaved sides now growing out, similar to how I wore it at school. I look like a Beatle in the sixties, and the thought brings a smile to my lips. Tessa always did like my hair longer. She used to plait it absent-mindedly when we watched films, and Matt would laugh at me.

A chuckle bubbles up from inside of me and I pull my phone out to text her, but then I stop myself, same as I have done every day since she walked through that door, to Jamie, six weeks ago.

She's made her choice, and I need to accept it. Me messaging her like this, and turning up to this rehearsal dinner, won't help her move forward with her life.

Throwing my phone onto the bed, I sit down, pulling my knees into my chest, just looking at my reflection. Watching as the sky starts to darken in the mirror. I just wanted nothing more than to push all my worries away, but I knew it would be a while before things would be anywhere near normal.

With a sigh, I look at my suit hanging on the wardrobe door, realising I couldn't skip tonight. Millie was right. Tonight isn't about me, it's about Danny, and he would never forgive me if I didn't come.

I'm just putting it into a suit bag when my phone lights up, chiming to let me know I'd had a text. Thinking it was probably Danny, I freeze as I see Tessa's name on the screen.

Archie, please come today

My fingers tap and type so many different responses before I ask how she is, almost desperate.

For the last few weeks I've had visions of her cowering in a corner whilst Jamie stands over her, and it's kept me awake at night. I know she's okay, but I knew first hand how fast a person could turn.

I'm okay

I have no idea if it's the truth or not, but I have to believe her. She wouldn't lie to me, not after what we've been through. It's just like I would never lie to her. She would be able to tell anyway, just like my gut is telling me right now...

What about Jamie?

I have to ask the question because he's who we both have to worry about. I would never dream of doing anything to upset Charlotte and Danny, but if Jamie was mad enough, he might do. Tessa said it herself, he sees red when it comes to me, and I understood, because I would too if I were him. But even though I'd already made my decision, I had to go now, because I can't let her down.

Jamie has promised to behave

I can't help but chuckle, but I shake my head before locking my phone and looking at the suit hanging on the back of my door again. I shake my head one more time before tapping out my reply.

Okay

Okay you'll go?

Okay I'll see you later

I don't send anything more, nor does she. Instead, I walk up the corridor and knock on Millie's door. I don't wait for her to answer, but I find her sitting on the floor the same way I had just been sitting.

"Mils, I'm sorry okay."

"I don't want to hear it, Arch," she bites back, clearly still seething.

I chuckle and she narrows her eyes.

"I thought you were better than this. I thought you were past all this ridiculous hiding away because of Tessa."

I raise my eyebrows and she pushes herself up.

"Stop lauging! It's not funny."

"Mils," I give her a pointed look. "I'm going okay," I say quickly before she says anything more. "I said I would go and I will." I sigh. "I made a promise to Char and Danny, and I can't let them down. Not again."

She doesn't look impressed, but I can see a twinkle of something in her eyes. She narrows them and steps towards me.

"What made you change your mind? And that quickly?"

"Believe it or not, I actually came to the decision on my own."

She tips her head, clearly not believing me.

I give her a sideways smile. "Who do you think?"

Walking over to me, she puts a hand on both of my shoulders. Her eyes are solemn and sad, and I can really tell this thing between me and Tessa has affected her too. She hasn't spoken to Tessa much since she got back. I wasn't sure if it was Tessa distancing herself, or if it was Millie, but I can see how miserable she is each day and it pains me to think that I'm the cause of this uncrossable canyon between them both.

"I'll be okay if she is, Mils."

She gives me a smile. It's a tight smile but it's a smile all the same, and before I can apologise for anything I'd said earlier, she jumps into my arms and latches her arms around my neck. "I'm sorry for what I said," she mumbles. "You're not a coward." She squeezes again, making it almost uncomfortable to breathe. "You're one of the strongest people I've ever known."

I hold her tight. I hold her tighter than I have ever held anybody, and as her shoulders start to shake, I let my tears flow as well.

The two of us cry into each other's shoulders, letting all the emotions out, both using the other as a balm until our tears run dry. It feels good to get it out, particularly as I'd been bottling it up since I dropped Tessa on that doorstop six weeks ago, and as she sighs and pulls apart from me, I do feel a little lighter.

"Shall we have a secret callsign or something?" I ask, joking, wiping away the tears on my cheeks. She frowns, so I clarify. "For later?"

"Ohhh, yeah, that might be a good idea. How about..." She thinks about it for a moment. "How about we just caw like a bird or something?"

"Caw like a bird?" I laugh. "Sure, why not. Let's just hope there won't be much cawing needed."

"Fingers crossed." She huffs a sigh. "Now go and get dressed, otherwise we really will be late."

Running across the hall to my room, I change out of my tracksuit bottoms and into a pair of chinos and a red shirt. I pack my suit into its bag, along with mine and Danny's tails for tomorrow, joining Millie downstairs in five minutes with my overnight bag. Millie is finalising her outfit, one requested to be red, putting a couple of red butterfly clips in her hair.

"Where's Greg?" I ask, suddenly realising he wasn't here.

She looks at me sheepishly. "He... Erm. He isn't coming," she tells me, and I can't help but laugh. "Or at least not coming until later. His flight got delayed."

No wonder she was so sensitive.

"I'm sure he won't be long." I jog her with my elbow. "You got your stuff for later?" She lifts a bag next to her, a bag that's twice the size of mine. "Cool. You all ready food wise and stuff?"

She gives me an unamused look. "Nooo, I thought I'd do all the shopping tonight," she jokes. "The lads are starting prep early and I'll pop in and out as hair and make up are being done," she says.

"You think I'm incredible? You're doing the epitome of multi-tasking tomorrow, and I bet it will all taste delicious."

"Flatterery won't get you back in my good books," she says. "Although it may help a little," she adds with a wink before putting a hand on both of my shoulders. "You ready to face your fears?"

I look her in the eye and give her the biggest and bravest smile I can manage. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

She returns my smile, before picking up her bag and heading out the door in front of me to the car. Looking at myself in the mirror by the door, I smooth a hand over my hair as the guy reflected back at me says, "Here goes nothing."

"Once more into the breach," I tell Millie as I start the engine. She doesn't say anything, instead the two of us sit in silence for the whole journey, wondering what would await us when we got there.