TESSA EMERGES TEN MINUTES later. I had put the TV on, but I hadn't watched any of it. My thoughts had been focussed on the fact she was now living with Jamie, same as they had been for the last hour.

As much as I knew I didn't have the right to feel this way, something didn't feel right. I could read it clear as day. There was something Tessa wasn't telling everyone... Something big.

She's changed, now in a pair of cut off jeans, a pair of flip-flops and a baggy brown t-shirt, her effortless beauty flooring me once again. Her hair is now up in a ponytail as well, her fringe clipped up out of her face.

"What were you watching?" she asks.

I turn and see that I'd put on The Big Bang Theory. I shrug as I turn it off before following her to the hallway.

"You ready?" she asks me with a smile.

I nod. "Yep."

I wasn't ready at all, but I couldn't say no now. She's waited so long for an answer to all of her questions now, and I would give her as good of an answer as I could manage. If she asked me to relive that day, I would, if she wanted me to put myself back to the worst day, I would. I was ready to bare all, because it was the very least she deserved from me.

I turn off the TV and grab my jumper from the kitchen counter, along with my keys and open the door. "Ladies first."

She smiles as she heads out before me, and when I round the corner, she's holding the lift door.

As the doors close, I feel that charge again. You see authors always describe it in books - the charge that two main characters have in an enclosed space - and right now, with Tessa's flushed cheeks and the fact she can't look me in the eye, I know she must be feeling it too.

Both of us breathe a sigh of relief as the doors open at the foyer, and the air feels amazing as we step outside into the Autumn afternoon sunshine.

***

WE WANDER THE STREETS for a while before we find ourselves at Central Park, and as I think we'll want a quieter spot, I steer us towards the Shakespeare Garden. It's a spot for reflection, and every time I've come, I've been the only one there.

As predicted, when we get there, the garden is deserted, so Tessa walks towards the steps, up to the two benches sat either side of each other.

She sits down, but I stay standing for a moment, just watching the wind ripple around the trees. After a minute, I turn to look at her. She's looking around the garden, the trees, the flowers, her cheeks flushed with the cold wind. She smiles, but when she catches my eye, her smile disappears.

It's time.

"Here goes nothing, huh?" she says, making a weird expression, somewhere between a bright smile and a grimace.

I nod as I take a seat, leaning forward, putting my elbows on my knees. For months I had been wanting this conversation to happen, but now that I'm here, the words aren't being very forthcoming.

Deciding to build up to what I had to say, I psych myself up with a question that had been on my mind for years.

"So, how did you guys meet?"

She turns her head, and from her expression, I think she wasn't expecting that question. She looks at me for a couple of seconds, and for a moment I think she won't answer, but then she focusses on a point in the distance and responds.

"Second year at uni. Nelly, one of my friends at Edinburgh, dragged me along for a karaoke night at the bar he worked at," she explains, her voice small and careful.

Second year. Part of me feels a little relieved she didn't just move on to someone straight away. But then that isn't Tessa. She doesn't do that. She doesn't sleep around for the sake it, and once she loves you, she loves you with everything she has, and more.

"He served us, and then he said he'd forget our bill if I gave him my number." She smiles, clearly remembering the memory. "Stupidly I gave it to him. But I got my own back, forcing him to sing karaoke with me..."

"Any good?" I ask, forcing a smile.

She grins. "Yeah, he's pretty good actually." Her smile disappears again as she turns back to me. "I know you don't want to hear this, but he's great, Archie. I don't want you to think I'm just with him because you told me to move on." She sighs. "He really is great, and I love him."

"I know that, Tess."

I couldn't help but remember her expression back at the apartment. The slight twitch in her face. There is something, and I used to be able to tell, and we would talk it through. But now, all that trust and honesty has gone, I just have to accept it.

"Even if he wasn't, which he is, I wouldn't have any right to tell you he wasn't."

She shakes her head. "I tried to wait, Archie. I did. I wanted to hang on."

I wait a minute, letting her words sink between us.

"You broke my heart when you left." Her voice wobbles. "You promised me forever... and I stupidly believed you."

She's crying now, but I know she's got more to get off her chest, so I sit quietly and let her get it out.

"You told me... You told me not to miss you." She wipes her nose on her sleeve and dots at her eyes, making sure her mascara hasn't run. "I thought maybe you were just saying it... but you didn't mean it." She coughs a sob. "Then I read your letter."

I drop my head at the mention of it. I remember every single word I put on that page, and I regret every single one of them.

I should have done what Millie told me; I should have snapped out of it and not gone the way I did. I should never have left the letters. I should never have left full stop. There are so many things I want to take back, but it's too late now.

"I did what you asked me to do. It broke me, but now, I'm finally in a place where I can love someone again. And Jamie accepts that I may be a bit broken. I explained it all to him, about Matt, about you, about everything, and I know I've pushed him to his limits, but he's still willing to make a life with me despite that."

She gets up from the bench and stands about a metre in front of me for what feels like forever before she turns around and looks at me.

"It was the hardest thing I ever did. But he's so good to me. I love him Archie, and he loves me."

I know she's not saying it to hurt me, but it does. I knew exactly how this conversation was going to go, and now that I'm actually having it, I want to run a mile.

"But..." She starts, moving back to sit next to me. "I couldn't move forward without working out if I'm making the right..." She stops as she takes my hand. "Whether I'm making the right choice."

I didn't know what to say to that.

My jaw drops open and closed a couple of times as I tried to wrack my brain over what she just said.

Was this a test? Was I supposed to say yes? Tell her she's made the wrong choice and then completely upturn her life?

Or do I do the right thing... and tell her she's made the right choice? Do I tell her, despite how much it hurts, that she deserves the man who loves her, and who she loves.

I knew which one my heart wanted, but then I also knew this was one of those times where I should be listening to my head.

My heart wants to tell her that I can still give her the world. With all the means at my disposal, I can give her a life free from worry about anything; from money, hardship... but I knew that there would always be that small part of her that would resent me for leaving. Resentment for taking the coward's way out, because I wouldn't own up to what I was going through or confront my feelings head on... In the end, it would be that resentment I couldn't live with. Having her resent me would be worse than her hating me. At least with her hating me, I knew where I stood.

My head knew that she just deserved to be happy, and she would never get that same happiness with me again.

I take a deep breath as I squeeze her hand.

"Jamie is your happily ever after, Tessa. He's the Prince Charming at the end of those stories you used to love. Sure, we've had an amazing couple of years, our connection is one I will never forget, but he is the one you end up with... not me."

She blinks back a tear as she covers our hands with her free one.

"I can't give you what you want. I've changed. What happened has changed me in a way I don't even understand fully. I'm not that same person anymore, and I'm sure you've changed too."

She gives an almost impercetible nod, but I continue.

"We're different people now, and I can't do that to you, not when you've worked so hard to mend the pieces I had broken in the first place."

She gasps, and I watch a tear roll down her cheek.

"I love that you're happy." I lean sideways and catch the tear with my finger. "It's what I've always wanted for you. Sure, in a perfect world if Matt was still here. it could be me, but it's not a perfect world."

She turns away and shakes her head. She knows just how much of an imperfect world it really is without him here; we are the only two people that understand exactly how imperfect it is.

"I'll always be here for you, though. Even if I'm here, and you're over there," I tell her, even though she knows I'm going back to England after college finishes. "No matter what happens, I'm here."

She smiles at me before she shuffles sideways, putting her head on my shoulder, sighing as we lean back against the bench. We're quiet for a while, just watching the world in front of us, before she starts drawing circles on my hand.

"You know... I've not really told anyone this, but..." She turns towards me. "You have always been there."

I frown and look down at her, wondering what she's about to say next.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

She turns herself around, crossing her legs as she sits towards me, her knees tucked into my leg, my hand in her lap.

"I don't really know how to explain it, but I always felt like you were there somehow. When I was alone, I always knew you were there, keeping me company. You were there somewhere."

I raise my eyebrows as she continues, smiling.

"I heard you. I heard you a couple of times." She frowns. "You called out to me. It was really weird, but somehow I knew it was real. I knew I wasn't crazy."

"When?"

I remember when she burned her hands, and how I felt like I had burned mine. I remember feeling hot all day, under the weather, and then it got too much so I had to call to check she was okay, knowing in my heart that it was her.

"The first time?"

I frown deeper. "There was more than one?"

She nods but continues. "Maybe a couple of weeks or so after Jamie and I got together? Mid-November I think?"

I frown, trying to remember that far back, but it all suddenly hits me when I do.

That was the day Millie told me about Jamie. I got so drunk I needed to have my stomach pumped. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was her standing in front of me was her, holding her hand out for me. I remember her calling back, but I was already unconscious, knowing I'd lost my mind.

"And then the other one was even weirder. It was final year, April I think, and I got this nose bleed out of nowhere, but whenever I closed my eyes, I could see somewhere else."

"April?" I was trying to remember what happened in April.

"It was really weird, but it was definitely you. You were in some kind of apartment complex, but it didn't look the same as yours."

I frown again, trying to remember.

"What scared me most was that you were covered in blood. I wasn't sure if it was yours or someone else's, but every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was you."

"You... saw me?"

It's her turn to frown.

"I can't really remember what it was the first time," I lie, not wanting to admit it was me drowning my sorrows with whiskey over the news of her and Jamie. "But that second time... I, Erm... well, I got beat up." Her eyes widen as I say it, but she frowns as I remain calm, scratching the scar beneath my eye on instinct. "But it was my fault."

"Your fault?"

I chuckle and she frowns further, probably more confused than anything else.

"How I do I explain this."

I wrack my brain for a way to tell her without making it too strange, but then I couldn't find any other way to do it. I was just going to have to rip the band aid.

"Okay, do you remember when I drew... you..." I widen my eyes and make a weird gesture with my hands to try and avoid saying the actual word 'naked', and as soon as she realises what I mean, she covers her face - which goes bright red - and turns away from me.

"Oh my god."

I can't help but chuckle. Even after all this time, it still makes me cringe just thinking of it. Tessa's cheeks are beetroot.

"Okay, so you get me." I swallow as she nods. "So, a few months ago, I was seeing this girl, Lara, and I drew her..."

"Naked," she finishes for me.

I can't help but laugh. "Yep. That. Anyway... We went back to her place afterwards to pick something up, and I accidentally left the drawing upstairs."

"Ohh..."

"Yup. When I got back up there, her brother was up there and he basically beat the shit out of me..."

I'm laughing, but remembering the reality of what happened afterwards was not quite so laughable.

"What happened to Lara? Will I get to meet her?"

I shake my head quickly and grit my teeth.

"No, it all went a bit tits up after that though."

"How come?"

"Well, after he hit me, I was in hospital for a couple of weeks, completely out of it for at least a week of that time."

"At least a week?" I nod. "Archie, how are you so calm about this?"

She's half smiling, but even after all this time I can hear the concern, which makes me feel rather warm inside, even now.

"I was out of it, and when I got back home, I found her at the apartment and she was pissed at me. I had no idea why." I shake my head. "Anyway, I ask her what her problem is and she shows me a picture of her brother, his face black and blue with bruises." I nod as she cups her mouth, guessing what I was about to say. "It turns out he got himself beat up, and because I was unconscious and unable to defend myself, Lara believed him. She didn't believe me until I rang the doctor at Presbyterian, and I assumed when I came in the door the way I did, it may have corroborated his story."

"Did you press charges?"

I shake my head. "I lost it, and said I would press charges, or rather that I should press charges, and she just got really angry. Anyway, I was really sore, and then pissed off by what I had come home to, I told her to pack her stuff and leave."

"I should think so, what the hell?"

I nod. "It hit me for six more than injuries did, because I'd let her in... I'd met her in hospital five years ago, so she knew exactly what had happened, and she understood because she'd gone through something similar."

She squeezes my hand as I grit my teeth. "How bad was it?"

"Couple of broken ribs, as he rammed me into Lara's kitchen island," I tell her, and she flinches as takes it in. "Broken cheek bone and orbital socket, hence the bruises you can still see now."

"So, my request to look after yourself was clearly heeded then," she says, half laughing, but I can still hear the concern in her tone. "Is... Is she... Is Lara still in the picture?"

"Not after that, no. But it was great for a while, as I could really talk to her. But I could never have come back from that, despite her constant apologies."

Tessa nods.

"She's in San Francisco with her dad now, and her brother is getting the treatment he needs, so it was all okay in the end. I didn't press charges because it wasn't prison he needed... He needed help, yes, but not that."

"Why did he need help?"

"The two of them were in a boating accident. Her mum died, Lara lost her leg and Billy had a TBI, traumatic brain injury, so couldn't process emotions properly."

"Oh god. Seems like you definitely did them a favour."

I nod. "I hope so."

She smiles, but there's something sad in her smile that makes me feel like she's now thinking about something else... something about us.

"We were good though, right?"

I frown. "What do you mean?"

She covers her face and shakes her head, turning away. "No, don't listen to me. That was a stupid thing to say."

"Tess, it's not." I lean towards her and pull her back towards me, gently taking her hands away from her face. "The only reason I left was because I couldn't handle what had happened." I shuffle closer to her, still holding her hands. "It had nothing to do with us as a couple, and it wasn't anything you did. It was all me."

She looks up at me, and that's when it hits me.

"Tess, you didn't think I left because of you, did you?"

She shakes her head but she seems unsure. "No... I knew Matt's death... I-I don't know. Maybe?"

I shake my head before pulling her forward, onto my lap, not caring if Jamie would like it or not. She melts into my arms, dropping her head into the crook of my neck, same as she did in the closet earlier. She relaxes in my arms, like what I said had finally brought her the relief she was hoping for.

"Tess, leaving you, leaving everyone, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." She squeezes me tighter. "But it was all to do with me."

"You didn't have to leave for good." She leans away and wipes the tears off her cheeks. "You didn't even give me a chance to..." She sniffs again. "To convince you to come home."

I shake my head and wipe her cheeks with my thumb. "Tess, I was in a bad place. Scratch that, I was in a terrible place. I could see how much I was hurting you guys when I got home from the hospital, and I just couldn't turn it off, no matter how much I tried."

I sigh and close my eyes, leaning my forehead against hers, breathing in a deep sigh before I tell her what I needed to say.

"I wish it had been me."

Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, opening her mouth to interrupt me, but I cover it gently with my hand, stopping her.

"I do. I wish it had been me. It was me Dad was wanting, and it killed me anyway to see Matt like that, to have him taken away from everybody when he had so much left to give to the world."

"Arch-"

"No, Tess, let me get this out. Please," I add, begging.

She looks like she's about to interrupt again, but she closes her mouth and nods at me so I continue.

I take a deep breath and push her fringe back behind her ear like I used to before taking a deep breath.

"I think a part of me did die that day too. I'd broken a promise to your dad, to protect him and I couldn't live with myself for breaking that promise. Every time I looked at you or at Andy, that guilt just came flooding back... and I didn't know how to handle it."

"But why did you just leave? And the way you left... Arch, I-"

"I know, I know. I feel like I left like that because part of me wanted you and Andy to hate me, because it would make me leaving easier for you, and I hoped it would mean it was easier for me. But-"

"It wasn't easier. Archie, it was so much worse!" She raises her voice and pushes off my lap by pushing at my chest. "So much worse."

"I know... I-"

"You suddenly leaving was awful. So awful. And it absolutely broke me." She coughs out a sob as her head drops into her hands, and I'm wondering if she wants me to comfort her after she pushed away from me. "I was not in a good place."

"I don't think any of us were, Tess. It's a fucking awful situation to be in, a situation none of us expected to be in."

"I know but we had a plan, Archie. We had a plan, and you didn't even give me a chance to say that it didn't matter how long it took for you to be okay again... I wanted to be there for you and you wouldn't let me."

I am getting so many mixed signals from her. She seemed to be talking like she still wanted something from me, but then she was engaged to Jamie.

"I hated you for a long time, Arch. I never thought I would, but I did. I hated you for leaving when we needed you the most. I needed someone who understood what I was going through, we both did, and you just left. Without so much as a word, you just left, and you left a letter. A letter!"

This is the anger I wanted. I wanted her to be angry at me, I needed her to be.

"The guilt you felt over Matt didn't exist to us, Arch. There was no guilt, because we know you did everything you could. We know it wasn't your fault, and we know Matt would never have wanted you to feel that way."

She shuffles closer to me again, her beautiful green eyes are just as soul shattering as I remember.

"Matt loves you, and I say 'loves' because I choose to believe he's still around here somewhere, and you know he would absolutely thump you into next week for being such an idiot."

I can't help but laugh at that, because that is exactly what he would do.

"It was just all so sudden."

The words are out of my mouth, and now that I've said them, I know what I need to do. I need to tell her all about that day. I said I would do it if that's what she needed me to, so that was what I needed to do. I had to bring myself back in the shoes of my eighteen year old self and relive it all one last time, so she can understand, the way that I understand.

I never spoke about the accident with her. I told Andy, but even then I told him under what felt like duress, because the police were wanting a statement. I'd been waiting for a long time for this, and now she was here, now she was asking, I couldn't say no.

"I am going to tell you, Tess. But I can't do it here. I want it to be just me and you. Not me, you and the rest of New York."

She frowns but nods. "Do you want to go back to the apartment?" She asks.

I nod. It has suddenly got too loud here, too many thoughts and noises were bouncing around my head, and I needed to settle them before I brought myself back there.

"Arch, you don't have to-"

"No, I do." I cut her off. "I do. For me and for you. I need to."

I say it with determination, and she nods before she stands, holding out her hand for me to take.

I take a deep breath before taking it, taking the lifeline she's offering, and she pulls me up, placing my arm around her shoulder as we walk back to the apartment.

***

ONCE TESSA AND I are back home, have put comfy clothes on and made tea, I finally feel like I'm ready to tell her the whole story, from start to finish.

I know it'll leave her as raw and broken as it's left me all these years, but I know she'll never be whole until she knows the whole truth. It's going to hurt, for us both, her experiencing it for the first time and me going through it again, but we need to do it clear the air completely. We both need it for what feels like closure...

Closure. That one word, and I know it's all we've both been waiting for.

It's the one thing I've wanted, but it's the one thing I've always been so far away from getting. When things were finally finished with WEH, I thought that would bring closure, but it didn't. It might have brought some for Millie, but it didn't for me. Nowhere near.

"I'm going to tell you everything okay," I tell her, taking her hands. "Every detail. Every single painful detail..."

She nods. "Yeah, I know. I'm ready." She squeezes my hands before she kisses my fingers. "I'm ready."

I'm ready too. For once, I am, and knowing she's right here with me, makes all the difference.