DESPITE SAYING TO ARCHIE I was going to sleep, there was no way sleep would ever come to me now. I had never expected him to actually respond... but once he had, I felt like flood gates had been flung open.

Maybe I should never have mentioned the heavy stuff, but part of me is glad he didn't try to explain himself. I liked that he was telling me about his trip, texting like we used to when he was on holiday. Sure it made me miss the past, but the fact I had a tiny part of him back made all the difference.

We texted for hours, just about anything, and when we finally did say good night, I felt lighter than I had done in years. However that lightness is going to be completely overshadowed by the fact I have to talk to a Jamie today.

Looking at the clock, it's nearly half eight. Jamie will probably be working downstairs, and that means I didn't want to go down there. After what he said, even if he did say it subconsciously, I don't think I can wholly forgive him for it. After the hard time he gave me for saying 'Archie' in my sleep once, and he goes and does that? To be saying that in your sleep, you must have been thinking it... It means he's been thinking about it before, and that hurts. It really, really hurts.

But then that's just it: he said it unconsciously so how could I possibly hold that against him? Part of me says I shouldn't, but then a larger part of me - the part of me holding a massive red flag - is telling me I should. Now that I have heard it, I can't unhear it... and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. Jamie is my new start, and if he's willing to give up so easily, give me up so easily... I don't think I would ever recover from that.

I groan and pull the duvet up over my head, despite the heat. I pretend I'm in a safe space, a cloud, where the last twelve hours didn't happen. But when I pull my head back out from under it, I know it's time to face the music.

***

WHEN I COME BACK to my room, I flinch as I spot Jamie sitting at my desk. He has his glasses on, his hair is in total disarray, and he's flicking quickly through a booklet of papers which look like accounts. He looks like crap, but the anger softens as I try to remember he's my person that looks like crap, and despite what he said, I still love him.

I take a step towards him and the floorboard creaks. He turns, the worry instantly falling away from his expression as he sees me.

"Hey, there you are."

I try to put on my best smile as he walks over to me, putting his hands on my waist, leaning down to drop a kiss on my shoulder. He smells like stale beer, and I'm glad he decided not to kiss my mouth.

"You okay?" He asks, dropping his head to meet my eyes.

When drop my head further, he picks me up, holding me under my bum. Instinctively I wrap my legs around his waist and rest my forearms in his shoulders, not being able to help the small smile on my face. He starts to move, spinning slowly in a circle as if we're dancing, his nose now only a few centimetres from mine.

We used to do this all the time. We used to barely spend any time apart, and now we barely see each other. It makes me sad.

We used to link each other's fingers, or I'd have my hand in Jamie's pocket. We used to sleep with our feet entangled. He used to kiss me every time I walked past him at work, and he used to send a good night or good morning message.

Now that's all changed. Now, we sleep on opposite sides of the bed. Now he doesn't text me good morning or good night. And now that I'm thinking about it, he hasn't kissed me the way he used to for months. Ever since he's started his job.

"Are you okay?" He asks again.

"You..." I go to tell him about what he said, but then I change my mind. "You were snoring really badly." I give him a sheepish smile and a shrug. "Worse than usual," I add.

His face falls but he seems relieved it wasn't anything worse. "Was I?" He puts a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry, baby. But if it makes you feel any better, I slept awfully without you too."

Too? I didn't even try to sleep after hearing what he said... and with the lack of sleep being down to a combination of his words and messaging Archie, I decide to just nod.

"Have you had breakfast?" I ask, changing the subject.

He shakes his head. "No, I've had calls since eight, so not yet."

"Calls looking like that?" I ask, looking at his lack of clothes and then looking at his hair.

He chuckles back. "Phone calls only." He puts me down but keeps his hands on my waist.

I roll my eyes at him and sigh. "How does an omelette sound?" His eyes light. "Do you think you could spare ten minutes to eat once they're finished?" My voice comes out a little harsh so I look down to avoid Jamie's gaze.

"I can spare more than ten, but Tess... are you sure everything is okay?" He tilts my chin gently up to look at him. "You seem a bit... well, you seem a bit pissed off," he chuckles. "It can't just be my snoring."

I smile softly at him. "Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just hungry." He doesn't quite believe me because he's still staring at me expectantly.

"You would tell me right?"

"Tell you what?"

He pulls away. "When something's bothering you? Even if it was me. You would tell me, right?"

I sigh and lift my hands to put them around his neck. "Of course I would. Jamie, I'm telling you I'm hungry, and seeing as you're home, it would be nice to spend a little bit of time with you." It comes out harshly again, so harsh that he takes my hands from around his neck. "Sorry, I'm just tired," I add sullenly, pinching the bridge of my nose before heading out the door to cook breakfast.

If he hadn't already realised something was wrong, he certainly would after that. And as I'm just getting started on beating the eggs, his footsteps finally follow me down the stairs.

"Something is wrong," he tells me. He turns off the peppers and takes the eggs out of my hands before pulling me over to sit at the table with him.

Okay, it looks like we are doing this now.

He now has a t-shirt on, which is helping me think a little clearer, but after the night I've had... I decide it's best to blurt it out, doing all the ripping at once. Screw the consequences.

"Jamie, I'm going to see Archie in New York."

His jaw drops and he sits back in his chair, silence engulfing us for a minute. "You're what?"

I know he heard me but I repeat it anyway. "I'm going to see Archie in New York."

"You're going to see him? And when did you decide this?"

"A few weeks ago... I've just been-"

"A few weeks?!" He shouts it so loud that it makes me jump and almost fall off my chair.

I know I shouldn't backtrack but I can't help myself. I don't like hurting him, even if this is the right thing to do.

"I have to! I told you before. You agreed!" I remind him.

"When? When did I agree?"

I tut and then scoff. I knew he would do this. "In Edinburgh. Albeit begrudgingly, you told me you would agree to it when I asked you."

He scoffs back at me. "Tess, this isn't you asking me is it, it's you telling me."

"Okay well, Jamie, I shouldn't have to ask!" I shout back at him, before realising that's the wrong tact. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose again, trying to calm myself down. "Asking, telling... whatever. The point is, Jamie, I'm going." Before he can interrupt me again, I say the rest quickly. "Whether we like it or not, I need to talk to him. I need to get everything sorted..." I make sure to emphasise the 'we'.

"Everything sorted? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"It doesn't mean anything, Jamie. God, I hate it when you get like this. Archie and I have stuff to talk through, stuff about Matt. It's stuff that no one else can understand because of how it happened... and how fast it happened!"

"Well, then help me to understand!" He shouts back at me.

"You can't!" I try to keep my voice level, despite the emotions building inside of me. "You can't help, not this time. You didn't know my brother... You weren't there!"

He scoffs. "Well, me not knowing him isn't my fault... it's yours for not ever wanting to talk about him!"

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, I can tell he regrets them. The words are so repulsive I want to smack him, and the fact they come on top of what he said last night, it made me want to smack him even more. But he's right. He should have said it in a better way than that, but he is right. It is my fault.

I don't talk about Matt. I think about him to myself, and I know he tries to ask me, I just never elaborate. I sidestep the question, giving him bland responses or changing the subject, and I hadn't realised why, until now. And of course it was to do with Archie.

Even if we were connected by millions of other things before he left, Matt is the sole connection I feel like Archie and I have now. Matt is the way back. He's the healing point both of us need, and I feel like, if I spoke about him to anyone else, that chance could be ruined. That connection is what I've been holding on to all these years, whether I wanted to accept it or not.

"I will tell you. I just... I need to do this. For us." I can feel tears falling down my cheeks now, but I'm glad my voice isn't wavering, or that I'm backing down.

"For us?" He stands up so fast his chair falls over. "How is you flying half way around the world to see your ex-boyfriend about doing this for us?" He spits.

"Jamie, what has got into you?" I shout back at him, now standing too. "Why are you making this harder for me all of a sudden?"

"All of a sudden? Tess, this is not all of a sudden! You know I can't stand the guy!"

"But why?! You've never met him. You've never spoken to him. You have no idea what he's been through!" I almost scream that last sentence as I step away from him. "No one has any idea what he's been through, and that's why I need to talk to him."

"It doesn't matter how he's doing. He... doesn't help... us!"

"Jamie!"

I really hate seeing this side of him. When he gets like this, he doesn't listen, and he says things that really hurt me. Right now, I'm on the verge of asking him to leave and never coming back, and that really is the point of no return.

He sits down in his chair again and drops his head into his hands, so I move closer to him, kneeling in front of him. He flinches slightly, but does at least allow me to take his hand.

"Look, nothing here is going to change, okay." I try to get him to look at me, but he keeps moving his head. "I love you, more than anything, and nothing that needs to be talked about will get in the way of that."

But apparently that was the completely wrong thing to say. He has the opposite reaction to what I wanted, and instead of talking it through more, he pushes past me and heads back upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

After a couple of breaths, picking myself up from the floor, I'm about to follow him. But a few seconds later, I hear the door opening and again tears fill my eyes as I see him dressed for work, laptop bag in hand. Before I can protest, or even open my mouth to try and get him to stop, he's out the door, conversation terminated.

***

I DON'T MOVE FOR hours. I'm shocked, dumbfounded even.

It was now getting darker outside, Jamie had been gone for six hours, and I could not have felt more empty. I knew the decision wasn't going to be easy for him to accept, but I expected a little bit of a conversation at least, not him just storming out.

I felt uneasy, and I've never felt uneasy with Jamie before. I'm worried, and I haven't felt worried before either. Not worried that he would lash out, he would never do that, but more worried that it would force an unbroachable rift between us. I've experienced a rift before, a gaping chasm, so there was no way was I going through that again.

"Fuck."

Getting to my feet, I grab my shoes and keys, not really thinking of anything except leaving the house and finding him. I run down the steps, hopping as I put a boot on each foot, running past the car and towards the station. But it's not until I get to the end of Mrs Donovan's drive do I realise that my eyes caught sight of a figure. A lone figure still sitting in the front seat of the car on the drive.

"Oh my God!"

Turning around, I hightail it back to the house, stopping as I take in the sight of Jamie sitting in the car.

It's been hours. He's been sat here for hours. I never thought to run after him, because I never thought he would stay, being as angry as he was. He's been sitting here for hours, probably wondering how long it would take for me to run after him...

Opening the passenger door, I get in, hoping maybe he would say something, or at least acknowledge that I am here. Ten minutes later, when neither of us has said anything, I can't bear it any longer.

"Jamie?"

I see the tiniest move of his head, like my voice had scared him, so maybe he had been in his own little world. I'd seen him in that world before... a bomb could go off and he wouldn't notice. Nothing gets through.

I shuffle toward him on the seat and put a hand on his arm.

He looks towards me, his head turning slowly as he takes me in, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Jamie, I'm so sorry."

He turns his whole body and heaves me onto his lap, burying his face in my neck. The steering wheel is digging into my back as he holds me but I don't care. I don't say anything. I just hold him. I don't know how long it is before he moves, leaning his forehead softly against mine, but it's a relief when he does. He strokes my cheek as I move my fingers into his hair, now leaning away so I can gaze into his beautiful blue eyes.

"I'm sorry." He drops his head into his hands briefly before pulling it back up again. "Tess, I'm so sorry."

I kiss him firmly, tasting the salt on our lips from the tears, but I don't say anything. I just hold my lips there, kissing him as he holds me tight. The coldness I had felt before, the worry and the unease, is still starting to slip away as he kisses me, and as he holds me in his arms.

Because there's no one else's arms I would rather be in.