PACKING UP MATT'S ROOM had been more therapeutic than any one of us could have realised.

There were so many tears. Every new thing we found - even a pair of his favourite but extremely dirty underpants - brought tears to our eyes, and by the time the entire room was clear, I didn't think I could cry anymore.

The first day we spent sorting his clothes, only keeping the things we couldn't bear to throw out. After emailing his agent, Greg was taking his jersey to by signed by the entire Brighton team, and the plan is for it to be framed and put on top of his bed.

The rest of his shirts were all put in a box, and when Mum labelled it charity, I couldn't let her do it. When they all went down to grab some lunch, I snuck the box into the back of my wardrobe and wedged it behind some of my other stuff. There was only one person who these shirts could go to, and I was going to give them to him myself. Even if it takes three decades... I make a vow to myself to give them to him when we were both ready.

Millie and I kept two of his hoodies - I kept my favourite white Abercrombie one, and Millie kept his navy blue school hoodie - and the rest of them were put in charity boxes. It felt so strange to give so much away, but with Archie gone, there was no one else to give it to.

The second stage was painting his room, tidying it up and changing the bedding. Millie and Greg handled the painting, whilst Mum and I put on new sheets, and when the room was finished, I felt a frog in my throat at it being so different. It felt brand new, and not lived in at all but I knew it was for the best, no matter what my brain was screaming at me.

The other thing I wanted to do was back up all of Matt's computer. Like me, he took so many pictures, so I went out and bought a hard drive to put all of them on. Mum had said she wanted to watch a slideshow that night, but when Millie and I remembered half of the pictures would be drunken pictures of us on nights out, we managed to steer her towards a film instead.

By the time it came to catching my train back up to Edinburgh, I did genuinely feel like a new person. A weight had lifted my shoulders, and as the fields and cities sped past me, I knew it was time to start living... because Matt would want me to.

***

UNIVERSITY HAD OTHER IDEAS  for the first few weeks after Reading Week, though. With essays and assignments due at the end of every week, with one work thirty percent of my mark, I spent most of my time with my nose in my books.

But despite studying harder than I ever have, I have started noticing a difference in myself. I'm smiling more, I'm laughing more, and by the time November rolled around, it seems I've even started turning a corner in terms of boys.

The week after I got back, the library was particularly busy one of the days, so after a recommendation from Sophie, I took myself and my books off to Black Flag, a quiet pub about half way between our house and the centre of town. I set myself up in a booth, and after asking one of the guys behind the bar if it was okay if I stayed there all day, I started coming back there more often.

It was a cute little pub, which had a kind of American diner feel to it, and I like it because the staff are really nice and don't mind me taking up an entire booth all day, every day. And even if it did all start off about the studying and the essays to begin with... now it has more to do with a particularly attractive barman than my studies.

I have no idea what his name is, nor have I spoken to him, but there is just something about him I really like and find intriguing. But what is most important about him, is that he is the first person my mind has allowed me to think about in this way, so I wasn't about to ignore what my brain was telling me. The only problem was, however, that no matter how hard I tried, I could never quite psych up the courage to go up and speak to him... so I was hoping tonight's festivities could help solve that problem.

As a post essaying-handing-in treat, Nelly had decided it was a great idea for us to do a karaoke night, seeing as I missed the first one.

I was excited for two reasons. One, because I was about to have a tremendous amount of fun with my friends for the first time since university started, and two, I was hoping I might get a glimpse of my favourite barman.

I was worried I wouldn't see him though. I know this sounds horrendously stalkerish, but having spent a lot of my time at Black Flag the last three weeks, I've worked out he doesn't work on Wednesdays, and of course it would be just my luck that today is Wednesday. However, I was more than happy to go anyway... because I know I'll have a good time regardless of whether he's there or not.

But I know part of me will be disappointed if he isn't.

A loud bang on my bedroom door shocks me out of my daydream and I focus on my reflection staring at me. I'd been out of the shower for nearly ten minutes and I was still in my towel.

"Tessa, how aren't you ready yet?" It's Nelly.

I look like a mess. I'd wanted to straighten my hair for once, but given I'm already late, I don't have time to dry it. It's nearly eight, and from the sounds of laughter carrying up the stairs, I was missing out... big time.

"Get your butt out here!" she yells through the door, jiggling the door handle, making me thankful I'd had the sense to lock it.

"What the fuck, as if you've locked your door?" she laughs.

More often than not in the last two years I've known Nelly, I've come to realise she has zero boundaries and zero shame. Given that she's training to be a nurse, she's no stranger to a naked person. I'm fairly certain she's seen pretty much everyone naked, not helped by the fact she'd worked out how to open the downstairs shower room with a fork. When it comes to shame, she can out burp and fart the boys hands down. I try to pretend I find it gross, but to be honest I'm impressed... not to mention I kind of love it about her.

"I'm almost done!" I call back, dropping my head into my hands as a small wave of panic washes over me.

"You said that last time!" someone else calls; Will, I think.

"I am nearly ready, I promise!" I shout again, standing up to get my brain into gear as I put on my knickers and bra. I then wrap my towel back around me and firmly plant my foot just behind the door so she can't shove it wide open and then pop my head round it.

Nelly laughs. "Fuck's sake, you're not ready at all!"

"I will be in ten minutes," I state firmly. "Now go away and pour me a drink."

She shakes her head. "Two drinks," she points at me and I giggle. "If you're not down there in ten minutes then I'm getting Will to break down the door." To be honest, he may even do that.

I sniff a laugh before shooing her away with my hand.

Once the door is shut and locked again, I open my wardrobe to try and find an outfit.

You didn't need to dress up for the pubs here, and seeing as it was absolutely freezing outside, I decide to go with a pair of fleecy leggings and a lumberjack over-shirt, which would go well with my new Timberlands. I put my long, knitted cardigan over my shirt and nod as I look at my hair. It was drying all frizzy and unkempt, so before it gets any worse, I weave it into a Katniss braid, settling it on my shoulder. The final stage is putting on a small amount of make-up - eyeliner and mascara - and once I'm good enough to go, I give myself a quick check before sprinting down the stairs to kitchen where my arrival is greeted by a chorus of cheers.

"With three minutes to spare," Nelly jokes.

I had definitely been more than ten minutes.

"You know me. Always on time," I shrug.

Glen snorts. "Yeah, apart from when you're getting ready."

I can't help but laugh because it's true. I never used to be so indecisive about what I wear, but tonight's outfit was particularly nerve-wracking but important because hot barman might be there. I was potentially dressing to impress... which added pressure. 

"Right, get this down you," Nelly says to me, passing a glass to Glen who then puts it down in front of me.

It looks suspect. And I'm doubly suspicious because last time I got a glass like this shoved in my hand, it turned out to be beer plus Bailey's ice cream. Only the ice cream had all curdled at the bottom and tasted like a vomit milkshake. Gross doesn't even begin to describe it.

"It is just beer," Nelly says, and when I see her kind smile, I know she's telling the truth.

I take a testing sip anyway, but when I know it is definitely just beer, I decide to chug it down, getting myself into the party spirit whilst calming my rampant nerves at the same time.

My friends all applaud me before Glen shoves another one in my hand.

"I'm not chugging this one," I tell them, laughing before moving seats to give Ryan his seat back next to Glen. I take my position in between Paul and Will and bounce up and down on the seat excitedly.

"So, what are we playing?" I ask the guys on the other table, who all seem to be gathered around a glass of something disgusting.

"King's Cup," Paul murmurs as he nervously picks up a card and then sinks in relief as he pulls out a three of diamonds.

"To be honest, I think we're ready for another round," Ryan announces. "Now that Tess is here."

The three boys crowded round the cup all nod and cheer, and I suspect they are very happy not to have to drink whatever is in that glass. As it's wafted past my nose, I smell both a beef and vodka smell, and as I see a floating gloop of gravy, I have to try and stop myself from gagging.

"Yeah, Mitch is out cold already," Will laughs. "Probably for the best."

I gasp, "No, really?" And Mitch was supposed to be the one with an iron stomach. Will nods and I look nervously at Nelly as she comes to take a seat opposite him.

"Glen, Paul, you up for another one?" she asks.

Glen shrugs as he pulls Ryan onto his lap and shifts a seat closer to us. Ryan wraps himself sideways around him and sets up their drinks. Paul and Sophie sit closer, while Will tucks me underneath his beefy arm, pulling me into him.

"We'll be drinking partners if you get an eight, okay," he tells me, breathing over me, washing me with his stale beer breath.

From the sniggers that gets, I don't necessarily think that's a good thing.

"Sure, whatever you say," I murmur, wafting my nose whilst looking hopefully at Nelly across the table. 

My face falls as I think about how much Matt would love this as the cards are swept up and placed around a clean, empty glass, and that's when I notice Ryan smiling encouragingly at me from across the table.

After Nelly, Ryan has been such a rock for me this last year. Just after I got back after Archie left, I found out he had actually gone through something very similar when he was younger. His little brother Keegan died of cancer when he was fourteen - Keegan was only seven - so he knows how it feels to lose a brother. Although he doesn't really like to talk about it, in just one hug I know that he completely understands me, and I'm comforted to know that it won't be as hard as this forever.

For the last year, Ryan has been there for me without fail, and I have been there for him. He's the first one to comfort me when I cry, no matter what time it is, he stays with me when I have nightmares, and he helps encourage and reassure me that it will all get better.

Since coming back it's been a bit easier, but these small smiles he gives me always help pick me out of any spiralling mood, so I wink at him as I take a swig of my beer.

"Right, here we go then" I say, rubbing my hands together, volunteering to go first, groaning as the first card I pick up is for me to drink four fingers worth of my beer.

Everyone laughs as I down as much as I can at once, and when Will picks up the next one - an eight, which means he gets to pick a drinking partner - he puts his arm around me.

"Told you we'd be partners," he tells me, kissing the side of my head.

"Great." I shake my head. "Pretty much my first night out and I'll be completely wasted before we leave."

Nelly laughs but says in all seriousness to Will, "If you do get her too drunk to leave, I will literally kill you."

He smiles. "Would I do that?"

"Yes," the whole table answers in unison.

He tuts, not seeming bothered, as Sophie takes her card.

The game continues like this: all of us smiling, all of us laughing, all of us enjoying ourselves. Iit makes me realise how thankful I am for the people I have around me. New friends and new adventures. They are friends who will help me through my first proper night out at university... And they will have my back to help me enjoy myself, despite the fact they all know just what's in store for us all... and just how messy this evening could, and probably will, end up being.

But you know what?

I wouldn't have it any other way.