IT RAINS THE WHOLE way back to the apartment.

I can tell I'm annoying the cab driver by waiting for it to stop, but it isn't long before Winston, the concierge, catches sight of me and grabs an umbrella, running down to help.

"Archie!" he says, opening the door, offer in a hand to help me out.

"Hey Winston," I greet him, grimacing as I pull my leg awkwardly out of the car before heaving myself out, ignoring his hand.

"I'll grab your bags."

I pay the cabby before closing the door and he speeds off, probably grumbling about how much time I was taking.

"Good to have you back, Sir," he says after we've made it inside.

I give him a look. I asked him not to call me Sir when I first moved in but I suppose it's habit in his line of work.

"Good to be back," I tell him.

"You need a hand with getting your bags upstairs?" He asks, hitting the button for the lift.

"Nah, it's okay. I'll give you a shout if I need anything. Thanks Winston." He hits the button for me. "I'm just glad I don't have to climb any stairs!"

"Definitely."

As the doors close, my mind starts to go into overdrive as to what I'll find once I open that door. I know what I did before I left - breaking all those bottles - but I was regretting having to deal with it in the state I'm in now.

And I doubly regret it when I get the door open. The smell of stale alcohol hits me like a wall when I come in, and I gag.

"Jesus Christ..." I hold my nose as I hobble with my bags into the living room.

The crunch under my feet reminds me about the glass. The remnants of nearly thirty wine and spirits decanters sit beneath my feet, smashed into a million pieces in the two metre space between the kitchen and the living room. I look down and see the shards all sticking up in different directions, just waiting to slice open an unassuming foot.

Avoiding the worst of the broken glass, I limp over to the room I'm sleeping in. But I suddenly stop as my brain registers someone sitting on the sofa.

I step backwards and lean around the door.

"Millie?"

From the mass of curls and the scowl she's got on her face, it can only be my sister, who I hadn't seen for over a year. And from our last conversation, I'm confused as to why she's even here.

"Millie, what are you-?"

She scoffs, cutting me off. "What am I doing here?"

"Well... yeah."

Her face looks like thunder.

"You're kidding me, right?" She lurches up from the sofa, crunching glass underneath her foot.

I shrug. I had no idea what she meant. I look to her left and she's got a bag with her. Thinking back to the date, I'm guessing it must be her university holidays.

"I'm not in the mood for crap, Millie. Why are you here?" She'd made it clear in our last conversation that she didn't want to see me again, so I am genuinely confused as to why she's here and why she's so annoyed.

"Nice to see you too, bro." She sits back down with a huff. "And it's good to know you're finally keeping your promise."

Her voice sounds flat and angry, and I can't tell if she's being serious or just being belligerent because she's angry at me.

"I didn't promise you anything." It was the truth. I hadn't promised her anything. And I didn't want to be shouted at either, especially when I had the start of a raging headache and my knee was really starting to hurt. I really wasn't in the mood.

"Your promise to look after yourself?"

I sigh. I now do vaguely remember telling her I would look after myself. I also remember not promising a timescale on that, so I am technically keeping my promise. Me getting home from an operation was evidence of that.

Millie is glaring at me now, and even though she's tiny, that doesn't mean she isn't a force to be reckoned with. She really is. Especially when she's in a mood like this...

"When did you get in?" I ask, hoping she'd answer me straight this time and that it will stop her glaring.

She sighs. "Couple of hours ago. Would have been nice to have a lift like you promised as well."

I frown. "When did I say I would pick you up from the airport...?" I trail off when I remember a message just before my surgery a couple of weeks ago. I also remember texting her to say those dates didn't work for me.

But when I take out my phone to check, I sigh as I see my message all typed, but unsent. I must have got distracted half way through and forgotten to send it. She probably took my silence as an agreement and came anyway.

"Well? What happened?"

I flare my nostrils and slam my fist into the wall. "Millie, I have literally just got out of the hospital," I shout. She squeaks and jumps sideways, away from me and I know all too well who I'm reminding her of. It makes me feel sick.

I uncurl my fist and let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry." She looks up at me sheepishly, close to tears. "But please just give me a break."

Her eyes widen and it's now that she finally looks at me. She finally gets a look at my dishevelled appearance, the exhaustion on my face, and the fact I'm clinging to my crutch like a lifeline.

"Archie, why didn't you tell me?" she demands, gritting her teeth to stop herself from shouting.

I hold up my phone with a dry smile as I hobble closer. "I tried, but apparently I got distracted. I thought you knew I was having that surgery, though. You knew I'd be out of commission for a few weeks?"

"Apparently not." I watch as her face softens. "You okay?"

My shoulders slump in relief at the kindness in her voice and I shrug. "Throbs a bit." I look down at my knee, which is more than throbbing, but I didn't want to complain. "But I am okay."

She nods and looks down. When she looks back up I can tell my knee is no longer what she wants to talk about. She very clearly has other things on her mind.

"And what about the other stuff?"

It's my turn to look down and her eyes are bore into me like lasers as I do so. I don't want to answer that question. I'm not ready to... But I know she isn't going to let this go.

"Archie, what are you doing?" she asks, the harshness back in her voice. She looks around the room at the mess I'd made. "You're clearly not okay. Otherwise you wouldn't have left the apartment in this state."

I groan and throw my hands in the air. "I'm fine." I swear under my breath. "I just had a bad day and... and I forgot I hadn't cleaned it up. Once I've had a shower I'll clean it up... and it'll be fine."

She sighs. "It's been a year, Arch." She steps towards me. "I thought you'd be better by now."

I turn around to face her, prepared to come back at her, but she puts her hand up to stop me, continuing.

"You forget I can tell when you're lying. You're not okay... and even if this place was ship-shape... I'd still know you would be lying."

Despite not speaking to my sister in nearly two months, and not seeing her in a year, a lump grows in my throat at the gravity of what she's talking about.

Of course I'm not okay. And I'll never be okay... not fully.

And as an inner monologue makes its way through my brain, it's like the emotions just spill out of me all at the same time.

I haven't been able to cry... to let out any form of emotion... and now they all seem to want to escape all at once. And when I feel Millie's arms go around my middle, tucking her head into my chest, I can't hold it back anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Millie," I sob, holding her close.

I'm surprised she could even understand the sentence as it all comes out at once. She hugs me tighter, and I think it makes the emotions worse. She's the only person I've let get close to me after all this time, and now everything hurts. My heart, my head, my leg, my body, my soul... everything hurts.

"I'm so sorry," I say again, trying to calm myself down enough to get it out properly.

"For everything... For what I made you do. For the way I left, for not talking to you, not texting... not letting you know where or how I was. For what I've said." I wipe my eyes with my hoodie sleeve. "Or not said," I add as another sob escapes.

I hold her tight for a moment longer before she takes a small step back. She stays in my arms but looks up at me, putting her hands on my shoulders.

"I knew where you were, Arch, so you don't have to apologise for that. As for the other stuff... you can apologise for that later, okay."

This is usually the part in our conversation where she playfully punches me in the stomach, or she pushes me, but after everything I've done, I can tell she doesn't feel quite comfortable enough to go back to exactly how it used to be.

"Do you think you could ever forgive me?" I ask.

She doesn't move for a moment, and my heart sinks, thinking she's going to say no. But as I look at her, she smiles, hugging herself to me again.

"In time. Maybe."

I can't help the small laugh that comes out of me, even if it comes out as a kind of hiccup.

"I can forgive you, Arch." She looks up at me. "Just as long as you never shut me out like that... Ever. Again."

She emphasises those last two words by poking me in the chest hard with the end of her finger.

I answer her by hugging her tight to me again, and it feels amazing when she wraps her small arms around me once more.

She clears her throat when it's been quiet between us for a long time and she pulls away from me, looking me up and down as she holds me at arm's length.

"Well... you do seem to actually be looking after yourself at least?" She pokes me in my side, making me flinch which in turn makes me wince. "And you do have a better complexion since the last time I saw you."

I make a face and shrug. "It took me a little while, but yeah, I'm getting there."

"And please tell me you're going to college and haven't dropped out of that, too?"

I nod. "Yeah. I am. And I've made up the credits I've missed for last semester already... so I'll be graduating on time. Maybe even early... depending on other classes."

I hadn't given it any proper thought yet, but there were times I felt that I didn't belong there either. I had hoped the feeling would disappear by now... but part of me thinks I'm just going to have to get used to nowhere feeling like home again.

Millie's eyebrows raise.

"That's fast? Are your classes that easy?"

I shake my head. "Definitely not easy, but when you can't really go anywhere," I say, pointing at my leg, "the studies are pretty much the only thing you can do. The solitude has come in handy a little bit..." I try to make a joke but it falls flat when Millie doesn't laugh or react at all.

"And then you're planning to come back home after that, right?"

There was that word again: home. I ignore the tightness in my chest at hearing her say it, going with another joke to try and laugh it off.

"You sound like Mum!" I say, hearing the irritation in my own voice.

"Archie," she ignores me and looks at me expectantly.

I sigh. "Mils, you know I can't. I can never come home."

It's quiet for a moment as the words settle between us, but when she shoves me hard enough for me to fall down on the sofa and her nostrils flare as she stands over me, I can tell I'm in for an earful.

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO FUCKING STUBBORN OVER ALL OF THIS ARCHIE?!" she yells, throwing her arms in the air.

She walks away from me and then walks back, her hands threading into her hair and pulling it in exasperation.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

I stand up so fast my head spins as I yell back at her. "BECAUSE I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!"

Her jaw drops.

"I killed Matt. Matt dying is my fault. It's on me. And I can never go back to a place that has any memory of him..."

"Archie... why? Why are you saying that?" She shakes her head. "They don't-"

"You think they'll want me back after what I've done?!" I'm still shouting even though her voice is softer.

"Yes!" She shouts back.

"NO!" I yell, running my hands through my hair. "NO! YOU DON'T GET IT!"

"Then help me get it!" She screams it so loud it makes the room echo.

"Millie, I can never go back to them and look them in the eye after what I did. You don't understand what we went through that day... no one will."

I sag back into the sofa and drop my head into my hands.

Millie doesn't move, but when I look up at her after nearly ten minutes of silence, I know she's been staring at me this whole time.

"Archie, you need to help me understand." Tears are flowing freely down her cheeks as she pleads with me. "Please tell me. Let me in. Let me understand..."

When I don't respond she kneels down in front of me.

"LET ME HELP YOU!" she yells in my face, and it catches me off guard.

I sigh and shake my head.

"I..."

I want to tell her that I can't. But I think the truth is that it's not that I can't... it's that I won't.

I'd wanted to wait until I was ready to tell Tessa all of this. She was the only one who I thought would understand the pain of what happened, given what she lost that day too.

But the truth is Millie lost something that day as well. Matt was more than just a friend to Millie. Even after what happened between the two of them, I loved that she still only had a special smile for Matt. That even after what happened they were still just as close as they were before.

So, if anything - same as Tessa - Millie lost more than I did that day. She didn't just lose Matt. She lost me as well... with the way I've been acting. And maybe... just maybe I'd be able to bridge my way back to her if I let her in... let her understand.

"I..." I say again, hiccuping as sob as Millie holds my head in her hands.

"You can," she answers me. "You can tell me."

I sigh and look at her, still not saying anything.

"Archie, I can help you. But I can't help you unless you let me in." She looks down before she reaches up to pull a cushion from the sofa, putting it beneath her to sit on the floor in front of me.

"I can't do that unless you let me all the way in, Archie." She sighs loudly and looks down at her hands in her lap. "I've waited long enough for you to come to me..."

She looks up.

"It's time for me to come to you."

"Millie..." I start but she interrupts me again.

"Archie, please."

She's not asking me to tell her to hurt me, I know she's asking to help me. Her voice is completely serious, more serious than I've ever heard it, and I've never heard her speak this way to anyone... so my behaviour must have pushed her over the egde.

Time seems to slow as I try to make my decision.

On the one hand, I know that no one can fully understand what happened that day, no one but me and Matt. No one can understand the noises, the smells, the images... the memories. That part of me knows that I can tuck it away from everyone... that I can try to forget about it by putting it in a box, lock it and then reopen it when I'm truly ready.

But then on the other hand, if I had to let someone in, I knew it could only be my sister.

I think back to what Lara said earlier today - that sometimes it's therapeutic telling people you don't really know - and I know she's wrong in this case. If I can't tell Tessa... the only other person I can talk to about this is the person sat in front of me, smiling up at me, waiting for my answer.

"You really want to know?" I ask, my voice soft and low.

Her brown eyes stare deep into mine, and I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

"Yes. Archie, I don't want you to bear this burden alone anymore. I can't let you."

I wipe at my eyes with my sleeve again and take her hands in mine.

"Okay." I sigh and breathe a shaky breath. "Okay, I'll tell you."

She sighs in relief and kneels up on the cushion to put her arms gently around my neck.

"Thank you."

She hugs me for a long time, which helps psych myself up for the story I'm going to have to recount to her. Because, for her to understand, I've got to tell her absolutely everything. I have to tell her every single thing that happened that day, down to the last sound of glass crunching and metal grating...

For her to truly know... for her to truly understand... we had to go back there together.

I give her a look. It's a look that tells her she still has time to back out, because I wouldn't blame her... But instead of running, as I'd expect most people to, she squeezes my hand, letting me know that for the first time in over a year... I am no longer alone.