I HAVE NEVER DREAMED the way I dreamed last night. I've always dreamed in colours: happy, moulding, thoughtful colours, all beautiful and vibrant.

Last night my dreams were fuzzy, riddled with darkness and pain, all fast-moving; none of it explained.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I was surrounded by people all dressed in green gowns and face masks, like surgeons. I wasn't sure what I was dreaming, but when that same pain I had a few hours before shot through me again, I understood where I was. It was Archie's pain, and I was enduring it as if it were my own. As the doctors fixed him, I stayed with him, wanting to give him every ounce of strength I could to keep him here.

Every second of that dream, I wanted to call out to him, to hold his hand, to remind him that he's still the same strong person I know he is. I told him over and over that he would be okay, and as the doctors backed away, surveying their good work, the dream faded, and reality came back to me with a crash.

Waking with a start, I try to shake off the dream so I can be here, and as I take in my surroundings, I realise I am in fact at home, and not on an operating table.

"You had quite a dream," I hear a soft voice behind me.

I turn slowly to find Jamie sitting in the chair next to our bed, book in hand, still in his jeans and work shirt.

"Didn't you sleep?" I ask, turning over and beckoning him into bed next me. He doesn't move for a moment, but does so after a minute when I bring out pouty face.

"I couldn't," he sighs, holding me close. "I had to make sure you were alright."

He turns me around so that his front is flush against my back, wrapping his arms around me.

"What was I doing?" I ask, silently praying I hadn't been talking out loud.

"I don't know what was going on in your head, but you were twitching, tossing and turning. You were mumbling a lot too," he adds, and I think he feels me stiffen. "But you didn't say anything I could make out as an actual sentence."

I try not to sink too much in relief. "I don't know what I was dreaming either to be honest. You know that episode of Teen Wolf," I say, turning my head. "The one with those weird doctors?"

"Oh shit, the one with the Dread Doctors?"

I nod. "Yeah. Or at least that's close as I can describe it. I dreamed I was being operated on by one of them, watching it happen at the same time." It was the closest thing I could think of, and it was half true.

"Jeez, no wonder you were tossing and turning."

He kisses the side of my neck and pulls me closer. I sink into him and feel my body relax as he holds me. But as I start to think about what I'm about to tell him, my mood starts to deteriorate. What I'm about to tell him will hurt him, but I want to make sure he knows it's for both of us in the long run. I don't know how I was going to explain about seeing through Archie's eyes, I don't think I ever will, but I know Jamie will come around eventually once I tell him. It's more than I will ever deserve, but he will... and I'll love him even more for it.

I turn around in his arms and pull myself closer to him again, reaching up to stroke my fingers over his stubbled chin. I smile, realising this is how I want a future like this: lounging in bed, in each other's arms. This is the future I want: with him.

"Are you feeling better though?" he asks, his blue eyes boring into mine.

"Much better," I smile. I feel like it's the first genuine smile I've shown him for a long time.

He kisses my nose, probably now that he can, and I close my eyes, content to be held by him, not wanting to move.

Jamie chuckles after a few minutes. "You really were absolutely dead to the world when I took you back yesterday. Bless you, you were trying to stay awake when the doctor came back with your results, but you couldn't keep your eyes open."

"Oh God. That's embarrassing," I laugh with him. "What did he say?"

"Not much. Just that your test results came back all clear and that you could go. He said they would give you a call later on today. I confirmed your number with them and gave them mine, just in case."

"Cool. And I'm guessing you put the exorcists pyjamas in the bin?" I ask, after looking down at myself. I'm now in one of his t-shirts.

"Nel put them in to soak when we got back. I knew they were your favourites, but I'm not sure they're saveable I'm afraid."

"The fact you've tried is admirable," I say, leaning up to kiss him. I peck him once and pull away. "It's why I love you. You always think of the small things." After he smiles, I kiss him again, this time for longer.

He does always do that. Like whenever he does have to spend the night away, he leaves his hoodie on his pillow for me. I always wake up to good morning messages, and if he finishes later than I fall asleep, I know I'll always find a good night message when I wake up. It's those small things that still give me butterflies, even after nearly three years.

Three years, my subconscious says.

I pull away suddenly as the thought hits me. Jamie and I had been together longer than Archie and I had, and I can't believe that's only crossing my mind. I sometimes forgot when Archie and I actually got together, because we had always been so close anyway.

"You okay?" he asks.

I smile, catching myself, and nod. "Yeah I'm good. Sorry." I smile wider before pulling the duvet down to look at his stomach, making him smile too.

It is his newest tattoo, and its my favourite. He had showed me on our second anniversary, in November last year. It's a tree with its roots seemingly disappearing below the waistline of his boxers. It ony had two leaves at the moment, one for each year we had been together, soon to be three. I hoped there would be a bushel of leaves by the end, meaning a long and happy life together.

His stomach tightens as I stroke it and I can tell he's trying hard not to flinch. He's extremely ticklish on his stomach, and it makes me giggle.

"You up to anything today?" I ask, looking up with a small smile.

He shakes his head. "Nope. No plans."

"Good," I start, looking down as I gather strength for what I'm about to say next. "Because I need to tell you something."

His eyes widen slightly as he sits up, remembering the last time I said that, I told him about Archie.

"It's nothing bad, I promise. Just... stuff. After yesterday."

"Can't you just tell me now?" His voice is still soft but there's an edge of tension behind it.

I suppose nothing was stopping me, and getting it over with now would be good, rather than dwelling on it all day. All that mattered was that I told him.

Please don't be mad, I beg him subconsciously.

"I thought it wasn't bad?" he asks, reading my expression.

We both sit up, looking at each other before I lean back onto the soft headboard with a loud sigh.

"It's not bad. It's just... It's about Archie."

I don't need to be looking at him to know he's glaring at me. I try to keep my eyes down, but I can't help but look at him and they are indeed glaring. Pointedly glaring. Glaring so much I can't look at him for longer than a few seconds.

"So it is something bad then," he finally says.

"I know you don't like me talking about him, Jamie, and I know this is going to sound really odd, but I think he's the reason behind my nosebleed yesterday."

That gets his attention. "That is ridiculous, Tess. How the hell is he anything to do with that?"

"This is going to sound really crazy, okay, but stay with me." He looks at me strangely for a few seconds before he nods.

"It's happened before," I begin, taking a large breath.

He frowns but I continue.

"Do you remember when I fainted the first time? And the doctors couldn't work out what happened?" He nods. "Well, I heard him. I was so shocked to his voice out of nowhere that it knocked all the breath out of me. Literally."

"Tess, come on," he says. "That kind of stuff only happens in movies."

"No I'm serious. I heard him, Jamie. Plain as day. Plain as if he was standing right behind me." He tenses slightly at that but I continue. "I'm not trying to hurt you here, I'm just trying to be honest."

"Honest? So why is it that you're only telling me this now? After two years?"

"Because it sounded so crazy. And I didn't believe it myself. I thought I was going crazy." I run a shaky hand over my forehead. "But then it happened again yesterday, only this time I saw him. When I blacked out, when my eyes closed, it was as if I was transported somewhere completely different. I was seeing him and where he was. I was in a hotel lobby, not our living room, and they were all people I didn't recognise, not Nelly and Will. I was covered in blood, and I seemed to be hurting everywhere I hurt yesterday before I blacked out."

"Yeah, but how do you know it was him? It could have been anyone? You could have been dreaming you were somebody else."

"It was him. I know it was because I saw a scar on his leg, the one he got when we were eight years old. I remember it because it's crescent shaped, and looks like he's been bitten."I shudder in response. "And I bet you anything, if I ring Millie, she'll tell me he has broken ribs, a broken nose... Jamie, he had blood all over him."

"How the hell do you know that? How can you know that?"

I take a deep breath, trying to both mask my calm and prepare for what comes next. "Because I've felt like that once before."

His face remains like stone as he drops my hand, narrowing his eyes, but I continue.

"That day I told you about, when his dad went after him, I'd felt so strange that entire morning. I'd had toothache all night, and I dreamt I had been locked in my room. I felt odd, like my stomach was all twisted, you know like when you can sense something is wrong? Then Millie sent me that message... I knew something was wrong, and I knew I should never have let him leave that night."

Jamie had asked me to explain everything to him, so he at least knows I'm not lying about that. He looks skeptical, but more than anything he looks pissed off, which is exactly what I thought would happen.

"I'm still waiting for the part where you tell me this is something to do with us."

I grind my teeth at how rude that was, but seemingly let it go as I know he's about to blow his top at what I say next.

"Jamie... Jamie I need to talk to him."

He laughs, which is not what I had been expecting, before dropping his head into his hands before looking back at me.

"I need to speak to him, to get everything off my chest and clear the air between us. I need to do it because otherwise, I feel like this is just going to keep happening."

"Let me get this straight okay. You've just told me that you have this 'unspoken connection'" he starts, using air quotes and a patronising tone of voice, "and you now you want to fly over to New York and talk to him?" He scoffs again. "Am I hearing that right?"

I don't say or do anything. Any answer I give will make him angry, but then not saying anything seems to make him madder... making me wish I'd never opened my stupid mouth.

I try to take his hand again but he snatches it from me and gets up from the bed, pacing in front of me. He looks like a caged tiger, waiting to bite the head off its tamer, and I hate that it's me who is hurting him like this. Again.

"Jamie, I've never talked to him about what happened that day. I've never spoken to him about how he saw it, and why he felt like all he could do was leave." I can feel tears coming behind my eyes but I push past them and keep going. "I need him to know I don't blame him for what happened. I need him to hear that from my own m-"

"But you do blame him!" He suddenly shouts, whirling around.

My jaw drops in shock and I completely lose what I was trying to say. "Jamie..." I cup my mouth as a tear escapes. "How can you say that? I don't."

"You do. And it's obvious."

I feel like I had been kicked in the gut. A swift, sharp, painful kick to the gut.

"If it was me in his shoes, I would never have waited so long to tell anyone. I would have fought back... I would have done something to stand up for myself!" He is shouting now, and he doesn't seem to care that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, listening and not believing he was actually saying this. "It is his fault it happened, because he didn't say anything. And it's you that needs to accept that, not the other way around!"

At that comment, the tears turn from upset to anger in the space of a second. I have never wanted to slap him more than I have right now, and I still cannot believe it's just come out of his mouth. So... as anyone would... I let him have it.

I stand and walk over to where he's stopped in the middle of our room.

"Jamie, have you ever felt terrified?" I ask, keeping my voice flat and calm. When he doesn't answer, I push him backwards. "Have you?"

He still doesn't answer, and that's because we both know he's never had any reason to feel terrified in his whole life.

Jamie has two parents who absolutely him and his siblings the way that all parents should love their children. He has parents who love him unconditionally, and who would do anything for him. Archie has the opposite. Since he was thirteen, and probably way before then, Archie never knew what side of his father he would find when he got home. He had scars and bruises all over his body to prove that, more often than not, he was met with that unsavoury side. He had one parent that beat him, for no reason other than the fact he wasn't perfect, and another who abandoned him, just when he really needed her the most. No, Jamie would never know what it felt like to be so terrified that you're completely paralysed. We both would never know. I had never experienced it either, but at least I understood.

"Jamie, do you know what it feels like to be abused by the person who is supposed to protect you?" I ask him. Again he doesn't answer so I push him backwards again and his eyes drop from mine. "Do you?" I keep staring. "Do you?!" I shout.

"No!" he shouts back at me, lifting his head.

"No. No, you don't. And do you know horrible it is to wake up, after enduring a beating like that - a beating that almost cost him his life - and find out your mum has abandoned you too?"

I still can't get the look on Archie's face out of my mind. It was the first time I ever saw him truly broken, like he had been defeated. I remember doing everything in my power to get that smile back on his face again after that. It took a few weeks, but eventually, when he started to heal, it came back. But that's how I know he isn't weak, he never has been. To me, Archie will always be the strongest person in the world because of what he's had to overcome, and how he's coming out the other side fighting, with his head held high.

"That kind of fear affects your decisions, Jamie. I wouldn't wish that kind of fear on anyone. Experiencing it second hand was bad enough..." I trail off as I run a shaky hand over my forehead. "I can't believe you said that. Of course it wasn't his fault, Jamie. How the hell was he supposed to know his dad would go that far? How could he know!"

"Tessa, I'm-"

"No!" I cut him off before he can say anything. "If you were truly sorry you would never have said that. What happened to Matt was not Archie's fault, everyone knows that. The only person who does is Archie, and we're trying to change that!" I take a breath. "You weren't there Jamie, so you can't have an opinion on what happened!"

I'm shaking with anger as his cheeks redden, his expression goes serious again. "Yeah, because you won't fucking tell me Tessa!"

"I have told you! I've told you as much as I can tell you, which is that I lost both of my best friends that day. Speaking to him, getting his side of the story, is the only way I can get one of my best friends back again." I take a deep breath as I try to calm down. "The only way I get a part of Matt back."

I have never felt more angry than I am now. I'm so angry I can feel my entire body shaking.

"I'm sorry but I'm talking to him Jamie." I take another deep breath. "I'm doing it whether you want me to or not because I need this."

He flares his nostrils at my answer. "Whether I like it or not, huh?"

"Jamie, I'm doing this for us!"

"How?" he shouts quickly, making me jump. "How the hell is you going to New York to see him anything to do with us?!"

I close my eyes for a second, holding on to the tiny of piece of calm in front of me.

Me seeing Archie in New York was nothing to do with Archie and I as a couple trying to get over something. For me it was about the answers I had never got at the time. For him it was to find that forgiveness he never realised he needed. Once I had that answer, I was free.

"Closure," I say finally. "Once I have my answers, I'll finally be able to put what happened behind me. I can truly be with you. One-hundred percent."

I regret the precise words as soon as I say them, as I know what Jamie will say, but I have a response ready for him.

"You're saying you haven't been with me this whole time?"

"Jamie, you know I've been with you. But my life has never been this complicated. I've never had to worry about saying people's names in my sleep, or worry that I'll suddenly get a nosebleed out of nowhere because of something completely out of control." I walk a few steps away from him. "I used to be a lot more carefree than I am now. I've never had to be so reliant on someone before, and once I get my answer from Archie, once I can truly put it behind me, you'll see a whole new me."

He calms slightly at those words but his shoulders are still full of tension.

"I know this isn't an ideal situation." I walk towards him and look at him for a few seconds before looping my arms gently around his neck.

He doesn't pull away, which is a start, but he doesn't move either. His blue eyes still look lost as I stare into them.

"I love you, Jamie," I tell him. "I love you. I want to be with you, and I know you are the future for me, not him. I want to support you in everything that you do, the way you have always supported me. I want to be there for you every day." I sigh as a tear drops down my cheek. "But I do need to do this one thing first. I need to do it." I smile up at him, watching his gaze soften as my words finally sink in. "Please," I whisper. "Please let me do this."

He doesn't move or do anything for a few minutes, but this time I don't push him for an amswer. I'm rewarded after a few minutes he sighs, dropping his forehead to mine, making me smile.

It's quiet for a long time, and I can see the two sides of him warring against each other. On the one side, he wants to say no, but on the other, he knows I need to do this.

"It really means that much?" He asks quietly. "It really means that much to you?"

I lean my head back and nod. "It really does."

He pulls away with a sigh, but I see a very slight but definite nod. "There isn't really much I can do to stop you." He gives me a small smile. "But I don't suppose there's any way you'd let me come with you, is there?"

I shake my head. As much as I wanted him to come, this is something I needed to do on my own. He sighs but moves, now wrapping his arms around me, holding me tight. "I figured that was a long shot."

I smile as he does before kissing my forehead. "And I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have said that, because you're right. I don't have any idea how it feels." He shakes his head. "I'm horrified at myself for saying it. I just... Tess, I don't want to lose you, and whenever I think of the two of you together.."

He trails off and I reach up to touch his cheek. He leans into it and kisses my palm with the side of his lips.

"I just feel like I can't help what will inevitably happen," he finishes.

"Nothing is going to happen, Jamie. You trust me, right?"

"Of course I do," he says quickly, moving his head out of my head. "I just don't think I can trust him." His voice is tight again.

I got that, but I also got that there was no way I was going to do anything that would jeopardise what we have. I love Jamie more than I could possibly explain, more than I ever thought was possible, and I loved him enough to relive one of the most painful moments of my life.

"When were you thinking of going?" He asks quietly.

I shrug. I hadn't got to that part yet. I had to convince Millie this was a good idea first, as she is the only way I would be able to get to him.

"I have no idea," I say with a small smile. "I figure I'll ask Millie what she thinks when we get back to London."

He nods and his shoulders seem to relax. "No rush then." His voice is back to normal again and his smile is a lot more natural.

I shake my head. "No absolute rush, no. Summer maybe."

"Good." He kisses me quickly. "Now... putting that behind us, what do you say to a cooked breakfast?" He asks and I can't help but smile, despite how fast of a subject change that was. It may have taken a bit of shouting, but I doubt he is suddenly okay with it, just like that. "How's your appetite after yesterday?"

Deciding to put it out of my mind for now, taking in my very small victory, I kiss him soundly before I take his hand and pull him down the stairs towards the kitchen as my answer.

***

WILL AND NELLY ARE in the kitchen when we get downstairs, and as he sees me, Will abandons what he's cooking on the hob and wraps me in a bear hug, picking me up off the floor.

"Jesus... Fucking hell, are you okay?" He looks me up and down as if he's scanning me with x-ray vision.

He puts me down and I nod. "I'm okay. Not my finest hour, I admit." I smile at him sheepishly. "I'm so sorry you had to see that."

He turns to look at Nelly. "It was coming out of you like lava, and you went white as sheet. What did the docs say?"

"I don't know actually," I say with a laugh, looking at Jamie. "They said they would call me at some point today to go through it, as I was apparently sparko when they discharged me last night."

"Well, whatever it was, I'm so glad you're okay now." He hugs me once more. "Really glad you're okay."

I giggle before he pulls away, and I see Jamie now has his nose in the fridge. "We don't seem to have much stuff for breakfast, so how's breakfast out sound?" he asks. "On me?"

Knowing there were plenty of breakfast things, evidenced by Will making bacon and eggs. But seeing as I know he's up to something, and probably wants to do something just the two of us, I play along, nodding.

"I am starving," I tell him before giving Nelly a smile after she winks at me.

He kisses my nose before we head upstairs to get dressed. But as we head down the road and round the corner from our house, I smile widely as I see Nuance's all-too-familiar neon sign come into view, where Jamie and I had our first date.

We head inside, and as he orders us breakfast, the same order we had that night, and directs us to the same sofa we spent hours getting to know each other on, I know I've done the right thing by telling him.

"I love you," I tell him, smiling up at him as we sit back after finishing our food. "I love you so much."

He leans down to kiss me soundly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, his hand softly holding my cheek. When he pulls away, he grins before resting his forehead lightly against mine.

"Back at you, baby," he tells me after kissing me again. "Back at you."