THESE LAST TWO YEARS had been busy. But busy was good, because it kept my mind off huge, important things.

Huge, important things like graduating. Like moving back home. Like moving in with Jamie. It's all starting to terrify me, because we were now only a few weeks from the end of term, and that meant I was running out of time to put them off. It was also scaring me how these decisions were not far off anymore; they were here and now.

But what scares me most is how ready Jamie seems to be. He seems to be several steps ahead and, in his mind, I feel like we have already graduated. He may not be admitting this to me, or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I'd seen  the tabs on his computer, which had searches for flats in Canary Wharf. I was excited for him to have landed his dream job, and to have a job already lined up for when we graduated, but on the few I had seen him looking at, it made a hole in my stomach.

I was in no financial state to move in with him yet, especially not if he was expecting me to cover half the rent in one of those expensive tower blocks. I want to live  with him, of course I do, but I want to be able to pay my own way, not live off him. However, what this year had prepared me for, was how amazing it was to actually live with him, and when I was ready - when we were both ready - I knew it would be amazing.

But there was other shit I had to work out first, shit that I had been tucking away into the proverbial drawer to think about later. However, now it is getting harder and harder to close that drawer these days, helping them escape into the forefront of my mind, making me worry even more.

It was Archie, and now that Jamie well and truly knew about him, I feel like I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place... and it's awful. I told him the truth about what happened a couple of summers ago, about seeing Archie in  the church, and that made his tolerance of any mention of plummet.

It was unsurprising really. Before I told him, Archie had been this imaginary problem; someone who was unlikely to come back and cause any trouble. But now, because he had been home, and because I had seen him, he sees red whenever anybody mentions him. Of course, this doesn't help me when dealing with my Archie issues, and I know he is going to have an absolute fit when I tell him what I need to do to be able properly move on.

I'm trying to do my best at supressing what feelings that have started to bubble up, trying my hardest to focus on the wonderful man I have, but sometimes I can't help but think about the guy that ran away. It's making me realise that, now more than ever, I need to talk to Archie, I need to see him, and not just from afar. I needed to speak to him, to get everything off my chest, because I felt like my head would quite literally explode.

I am starting this next chapter of my life. I want to move on, but he's always there, stopping me. He's like a ball and chain, permanently trapped around my ankle, and if I wasn't careful, that ball and chain would pull me over the edge and underneath the water.

Because I really am being dragged under, and it's not just me who has to bear it, but Jamie as well, and it's really not fair to him to have to deal with this on top of everything else.

As if it wasn't bad enough to control in the day, it is now starting to affect how I sleep. And that, with me being asleep and not able to control it, is what is hurting Jamie the most.

A few months ago, I woke in the middle of the night  to find Jamie gone. Figuring he had gone down to get a glass of water, I went down to join him, only to find him sitting on the step outside our room, staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. Naturally I asked what was wrong, hoping I could help, but I would never expected him to say what he said was the problem, not in a million years, and I definitely would never have expected it to be me that was the problem.

It seems, in my sleep, I had said Archie's name, over and over again, so often that he couldn't take it anymore.

Frantically trying to remember what I was dreaming about, I didn't know what to say.

The fact I seemed to be saying  his name in my sleep was only telling me that I needed to speak him, now more than ever. It was bad enough already, that much I knew, but what was so much worse was that Jamie had heard it. That haunted look he had on his face still haunts me, and it broke my heart that night. He had red, bloodshot eyes, and he looked utterly defeated, and I never wanted to make him feel that way again. Of course, what made me feel worse was that, to fix it, I had to do the one thing that would hurt him even more.

As there was no way Archie was coming to me, given his radio silence, I had to go to him. Whether Archie and I were ready or not, we needed to do it. Enough was enough, and to get the future I deserved, the one where Jamie and I walk into the sunset, down a path with no complications, I needed to face him. Once and for all.

He told me four years ago that I had to find happiness with someone else, so he owes me this much. The only difficult part now was convincing Jamie it was the right thing to do...

***

"JEEZ LOUISE, WHY IS it so hot?" It's the fourth time Nelly has said that in so many minutes, and I have to agree with her. It's so hot I can barely think.

Jamie is working tonight, and as I couldn't stand the idea of a sweaty bar, packed with hundreds of uni students, I convinced Nelly and Will we should stay in for a movie. Only  the movie has turned into each of us simultaneously complaining about how hot it was. It was now Nelly's turn again apparently.

"There might be some more ice in the freezer?" I say, trying to ignore the sweat trickling down my back whilst enjoying the cold shiver that came with it.

"Erm..." Will starts. "Not anymore." He points to his dwindling glass of water, making Nelly and I groan.

"And let me guess, you did the gentlemanly thing in not refilling the ice tray afterwards, am I right?" Nelly accuses.

He doesn't say anything but shrugs, laughing.

"I'm too hot to be angry, to be honest," I say with a chuckle.

Nelly groans as Will says, "Seriously though, why is it so hot?" He asks. "It's only May. I feel like it was cold last week."

"It's because God has turned up the oven and is now trying to cook us all like sausages," I tell them both, groaning as a wave of nausea washes across me, most likely from the incessant heat. "Pop, pop... pop!" I flick my fingers.

"Amen to that," Will agrees, his voice sounding slower, like he was drunk. I look up at him, widening my eyes, trying to ignore the fact the world has started to spin.

"I want ice, but I don't even want to move because it'll make me hotter," Nelly complains.

Despite being the end of April, the last few weeks had been torturously hot, and when you're working in a library as hot as ours, it's almost unbearable. The Humanities books, which I had been poring over for my exam revision and dissertation research, are up on the top floor. Unfortunately they're on the floor where the windows didn't open and the air con had packed up, probably due to how old the library was, so most people gave up pretty quickly. To be honest, I did the same, but I at least took photocopies of as many books as I could, so didn't need to go back.

But it wasn't just inside the buildings that was sticky and unbearable. The heat is everywhere. Even sleeping is horrible.

Jamie and I, who usually sleep tangled up together, are sleeping as far away from each other as possible because it's so hot. You go to bed and half an hour later, you're drenched in sweat. After three weeks at nearly thirty degrees, with today topping thirty-five, we were all praying for the return of the eighteen-degree Scottish summer again, so life could go back to normal.

"When are you heading home, Tess?" Will asks, changing the subject from the heat. His voice still sounds like he's drunk and I feel like my eyelids are so heavy I keep them closed for a minute every time I blink.

I wipe them, my fingers coming away with moisture. Jesus, even my eyes are sweating. "I'm not sure actually. As we're driving down, it doesn't really matter, but it depends when Jamie's last shift is."

Jamie still had a couple more weeks of shifts left before his exams started, and I had a few more weeks of classes left before my dissertation was due. The plan was to take a scenic route North to pack his stuff for the move to London, so we were just planning to take our time. I had promised Dad we would be home by end of June, which gave us plenty of time for many a mountainous detour.

"End of June," I add. I'm still hoping I'll be able to convince Jamie to come with Dad and me to France in July, but as he doesn't want to under prepared for his first day, he hasn't really been keen.

"Have you finished?" Will asks.

"At Black Flag?" He nods. "Yeah. I had my lash shift last week as I need to finalise my dissertation. So glad it's finished," I add, another wave of exhaustion running over me. "It was all getting a bit much."

"How come?"

"With the last bits of my dissertation, and then when it got too hot I was having to spend parts of shift stuck in the fridge," I tell him, using air quotes around 'stuck'." He chuckles. "It wasn't too bad until last Tuesday when the air con broke, and that was a final straw for me," I giggle. "Tempers fraying all over the place."

Will sighs. "I think Black Flag is the only place I'll properly miss from here."

"What about me?" I feign horror and he chuckles.

"Of course I'll miss you, dork. I meant the places. I'm in the social sciences building so it's not exactly memorable."

"See, the English building is awesome," I tell him. It was, as far as buildings could be cool, but it was awesome because it was one of the oldest buildings on campus.

"To be fair, we did have some great memories at that bar. And you met Jamie there, so it'll always be a special place to you guys." She smiles at me.

I beam at her as I remember that night; it's a night I will remember for the rest of my life. It was the night I finally decided to open up, and to my luck, I let one of the most incredible men into my life. Singing in front of the crowd that day was one of the most nerve-wracking and incredible experiences, and I knew I would get through it because I had him.

And working with Jamie these last two years has been incredible too. Firstly, I saw more of him. Before, he would be away for at least three nights a week, but now I see him every night, which I love. But what I also love is the thrill of sharing sneaky kisses as we passed each other behind the bar, or the gentle graze of his hand on my arm, or even my butt, as I walked past him.

I also loved the stupid things we got up to before opening and when we closed up. He pulled me into the big fridge once, for some alone time, but when the door closed, it lost its charm pretty quickly. We can laugh about it now, but we were stuck in there for nearly an hour before someone came to find us. Thankfully it was before shift, not after, otherwise Rob would have found two frozen icicles instead of us two the next morning.

"Tess..." I look up to see Nelly frowning at me, a concerned look covering her face. "Tess, are you okay?"

If I'm being honest, I am feeling a little off, but it's probably just due to this heat rather than anything else. "Yeah... I'm okay. A bit tired, but I'm okay. Why?"

"Well... you've gone really pale," she says, getting off the sofa to join me, kneeling in front of me. "And your nose is bleeding."

I tut as I swipe my finger under my nose. A spot of blood comes away, but as I swipe again, it keeps on coming. "Not again." I mutter, realising it had dropped both onto my new pyjama top and onto the sofa. "It'll stop in a minute," I tell them as I reach for the box of tissues next to me.

The nose bleeds had been happening on and off for a couple of weeks, since it got unbearably hot, but as I grab my sixth tissue I start to think this particular nose bleed isn't to do with the heat. I was now starting to feel really ropey.

"Tess, mate..." Will gets up and joins Nelly after handing me another couple of tissues. "You are now an alarming shade of grey. You sure you're okay?"

I blink, and as soon as I close my eyes, I realise I really am not okay. This is so much worse than I had ever had it.

"Yeah... I don't... I don't feel so good."

I close my eyes, and as I do so, a blinding pain goes up my side and through my head simultaneously, almost making me fall off the sofa had Nelly not had great instincts and caught me.

"Oh my... Tessa?"

I can't hear her. The pain in my head is so painful that all I can hear is ringing, and all I'm seeing is stars. It feels as though my skull is splitting in two, and the only time I've ever felt like this was shortly after Jamie and I met, when I heard...

Oh my God. Archie!

"Please, not now," I beg, gripping my head. "Archie?"

My stomach hurts too. To be honest, everything hurts. My legs, my face, my head, my ribs, my arms. Even my teeth hurt.

"Nel, what's happening!" Will's voice breaks through the fog, just as I scream, feeling like I've just been kicked in the stomach. "Why is she saying Archie? Who is that?"

"Will, for fuck's sake, call an ambulance." She gently gets me off the sofa and onto the floor, pulling my head into her lap. "And Jamie. Call Jamie too. Ambulance first."

A few minutes of torture go by before the pain in my head starts to subside. I want to tell Nelly to stop touching my head, because what she thinks are soothing strokes actually feels and sounds like nails on a chalkboard inside my head. I can barely breathe as the nosebleed starts up again, and I try to cough so I can breathe.

I can't hear what Will is saying to the ambulance, but I am grateful it's distracting Nelly from stroking my head. My brain has turned to mush from the intense ringing going on in my head, and I'm bordering on the teetering edge between consciousness and darkness when Will kneels beside me and places the phone gingerly near my head.

"Tess?" I hear Jamie's voice ringing around me, and I try to pick myself up out of the black that's surrounding me. "Tess, what's happened?"

The only thing I can do is cough. Blood has thankfully stopped pouring out of my nose for the moment, or if it is, it's lessened. I don't have the strength to do anything so Nelly is holding the tissue to my nose, with Will feeding her new tissues when the current one saturates.

"Will, can you get some ice? I have those crackable ice packs in our room," she says and Will nods, putting his phone in Nelly's clean hand.

"Tess, stay with us," Jamie croons as the edges of my vision start to join the blackness. "Baby, stay with us."

I nod very slightly, screwing my eyes shut as the light is starting to make my head ache more than it already is. Nelly's hand is tight on my shoulder and is tethering me to Earth, but it disappears as I suddenly lurch forward and empty the entire contents of my stomach all over the living room floor.

I didn't know what was happening to me, but as there was a flurry of fuss around me, my energy levels disappear and with one final cough, I relish the unconsciousness as it finally takes me.