"THIS ONE HERE, JAMIE."

I point to the turning on our left for where the church and cemetery is and he turns in slowly, parking next to a beautiful gun metal grey F-Type.

Despite the earlier rain, as soon as Jamie cuts the engine, the humidity creeps in. Fanning myself, I open the door to let in some air as Jamie reaches into the backseat to grab the flowers Dad had got, adding to the ones I'd put there two weeks ago.

As I walk forward, my feet guide me by themselves. Since seeing him two weeks ago, I've now come here most days, spending the afternoon talking to him. I've been recounting the last two years to him, and each time I left, I always felt like I forgot something, so I just headed back the next day.

I've talked about my friends at university, how strange they probably think I am, but put up with me anyway. I've talked about everything and anything to do with Jamie. Our holiday, working at Black Flag, living with him, his little gimmicks. I've talked about my course, and how much I'm enjoying it with Glen and Ryan. I've talked about Dad and Millie. And today... today I feel like it's the day to ask him about Archie. To ask him what I should do.

I could hear him in the back of my mind, saying that I had to let him go and move on properly, but I didn't want to. Or rather I couldn't bring myself to. I could also hear him telling me to move on after what happened to him. Every time I came, I felt like I was forgetting him more and more, and I didn't want the day to come where I no longer remembered what he looked like, sounded like or even smelt like. Dad would think I was being ridiculous, and I do know I need to pull myself together, but two years is still a short amount of time after losing someone like Matt. He wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend, and losing both the boys in one go was quite literally shattering. But there were always going to be things that would set me off about both boys not being here, not just Matt. And over the days where Jamie's been away at his internship, there have been times I've just found myself sobbing uncontrollably over something ridiculously tiny.

The other day I'd been trying to find my gladiator sandals for a surprise dinner Jamie was taking me to in town. Whilst looking, I came across the box of shirts I was storing to give back to Archie, as well as the ball I'd taken from them when we were about ten or eleven.

It brought back memories where Archie and Millie came to stay with us for a few weeks over summer that year, and the boys would play football all day every day. Some days Millie and I played, some days we didn't, but after a week or two, Millie and I had had enough. Millie lured them inside with lemonade whilst I nicked it, hiding it in the back of my wardrobe, and it seems I'd forgotten about it. I remember the plan not lasting long... as Matt just brought out another ball when they couldn't find their one.

Seeing it in my hands last week, all dusty and deflated, it made me wonder what was so special about that particular ball. But as I rolled it in my hands, I found their signatures, now quite faded, and their ages beneath - Archie being seven and Matt being six - so it must have been the ball they played with at primary school, holding so many memories. Counting on my fingers, the ball was nearly fifteen years old.

When I got to dinner later that evening, Jamie looked at me concerned because he could see I'd been crying. I tried to assure him I was fine, and after I pulled myself together - willing myself not to cry - we had a great time with his internship colleagues, one of whom it turns out I knew from school.

But now, as we walk slowly, hand in hand towards his headstone, I'm glad Jamie's with me.

As we get closer, Jamie squeezes my hand lightly and kisses the side of my head. "I'll give you a few moments," he tells me, before walking away, towards the church.

I smile as he walks away, but my legs keep heading towards Matt, whose grave is now more covered in flowers than I'd ever seen it.

Getting closer, I see a new couple of bunches have arrived. One from Mum and Mark, which has an adorable picture of Ellie in the middle, as well as a gorgeous bunch of orange carnations from Chloe. The Essex team had all signed a shirt for him, which was resting at the back.

Pulling my hoodie around me as a chill runs through me, I place my own flowers down next to Mum's.

"Hey Matty." I lean forward and touch his headstone. I feel like I can sense him here, somehow, like he's watching over me, just like he's always done.

"Now where did we get to the other day...?"

Moving along the range of topics I have discussed, today I turn to Brighton, deciding today wasn't the day to talk about Archie.

After hanging on by the skin of their teeth last season, they've had a season of hot new transfers - in both senses of the word - and I'm actually feeling excited about this season. What sucks is that I don't have either of the boys there to enjoy it with me, but Jamie at least gets involved. He even bought himself a Brighton shirt.

Boring him for nearly ten minutes, I turn my focus to the flowers in front of me.

"Well I can see people have come to see you, at least," I say. "So that's good." For months I've noticed the three other graves on his row have remained mostly empty, which makes me feel sad.

But soon my eyes are drawn to some incredible flowers at the back, which are unlike any I had ever seen before. As I look closer, I realise it's because they're not flowers at all. They are all tiny balled up football shirts - Brighton shirts, in fact - and I am hugely touched that someone had gone to so much trouble.

The more I look at them, the more I think it's someone that must have known him well, because not many people would go to the trouble. Picking them up, I notice they aren't wet like the others, which means whoever it was had left them recently as well. I look behind me at the car parked next to ours, and wonder who it could be, and whether they were still here. I wanted to speak to them, to thank them, but then I knew I shouldn't intrude. Grief is something you don't mess with, and each person dealth with it in their own way. I knew that more than anybody.

As I put the flowers back where they were, I dislodge something, making a laminated photo fall sideways, into my eyeline. Frowning, I lean forward to pick it up and cup my mouth at the photo.

It's of Matt whilst he's flying through the air, diving to save a high goal, his yellow goalie kit and fluorescent gloves glaring in the camera light. I pull it towards me, running a soft finger over the detail. Turning it over, I fall backwards, my legs giving way as I see who the flowers are from.

And as I turn around, I see what can only be who I think it is.

I would know him anywhere, even from this far away.

I see him standing, plain as day, looking at me... but only for a second, before he jumps inside his car.

Scrambling to run after him, I fall down again, my feet slipping as my body seems more eager to move than my legs. In that time, I lose him when the engine starts, followed by the sound of tyres screeching and him driving away from me... again.

But as the sounds disappear, I find myself smiling, realising it was because, despite him driving away from me, the point was that he had come back... which meant things were starting to change.

He came back, despite how hard it was, which reinvigorated my faith that he would come back. Come back to all of us.

***

IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN more than minute between Archie driving away and Jamie finding me on the floor, but I feel like hours had passed.

Questions had started bouncing around in my head again... not just ones I wanted to ask, but questions about him, just now.

Had he seen me? Had he been watching me from the church since we got here? Had he even thought about talking to me? Had he wanted to...? The thought of Archie being so close makes my calm thoughts start to spiral so much I don't hear Jamie's question.

His mouth is moving but all I'm hearing is white noise. All I can see is Archie standing there, one foot in his car, ready to drive away. Finally, though, Jamie's words do start to break through.

"Tess, you okay?"

I look at him.

Think, Tessa. My subconscious is screaming at me. Use your words!

"Tess?" Jamie's voice pierces through thicker this time and I shake myself out of it. His arms go around me, and for a moment I'm worried he'll work out what's just happened.

"You alright?" He picks me up off the floor and seems to be checking me for bumps and bruises. My eyes find his concerned ones, and the look pulls me back into the present as he asks the question for a third time. I push the brown-eyed boy from my mind and focus on the blue-eyed one standing in front of me.

"Yeah, sorry." I brush a shaky hand over my forehead. "I just lost my footing I think."

I look down at myself and notice a large green stain on my new shorts, and I groan as a similar stain covers my Vans. My knee was stinging slightly, but checking myself over, I seemed to be okay physically. Emotionally though... well... that was a different question altogether.

"I- I felt... light-headed for a moment," I lie, trying to avoid his eyes so he can't see I'm lying. It's all I can say to stop myself from falling down this unexpected hole in front of me. Archie has just driven down that hole... and I so desperately want to join him.

I frown as that suddenly sparks a thought.

Even before we'd been blocked in, Millie had declined a lift from us at the airport in favour of Greg. I hadn't thought anything of it at the time because why wouldn't Greg have wanted to pick her up, but now I'm thinking Archie had been home all this time.

And then here came loads more questions...

How long was he here for? Was he here to stay? Was he transferring to a UK university, giving up on Columbia? Had she known he'd been planning to be here today...? Did she plan this? These new questions were circling, giving me an instantaneous headache. 

But one thing was for sure though. It was him. And the fact he's back means he might finally be working through things. But the fact he ran meant he wasn't ready to see me. At least not yet...

As Jamie and I stand, him holding me, me letting my mind run wild, I realise I'm not mad... or at least I didn't think I was mad. I felt more shocked than anything else. Then again, I may feel differently in a couple of hours when I've had time to process it all.

Patting Jamie's hand to let him know I'm steady, he finally lets me go. His eyes are watching me as I kneel down again to pick up the picture, wanting to read what Archie had said. Tears prick my eyes again at the words, and I smile as I swipe them away.

You're with me now, you're with me always,
I miss you now and I'll miss you always

They're what I feel too, that he's here, standing over us, but then it doesn't make me miss him any less. And it didn't surprise me that Archie understood. I've always known he would be the only one that could.

Turning the words over, I realise I hadn't seen this photo before. I'd seen him dive so many times in matches, but having been taken from the field, this could only have been in practice. But as I look closer, I realise it isn't a photo, it's a drawing, which only makes me even more sure that it was Archie that had left it.

"You okay?" Jamie asks once I've replaced the drawing and am standing again.

A shaky breath comes out of me as I sigh. "Yeah. I just..." I shake my head. "I can't believe it's been two years? Like..." I look at him with questioning eyes. "Has it really been that long?" My voice sounds weird, and I feel him kiss the side of my head before I press my face into his shirt.

"I j-j-just m-miss... him," I hiccup through sobs. "Even after all this time, I m-miss him so mu-uch." I wipe my eyes after coughing out a sob, releasing some of the tension from my chest. "Seeing him today has brought it all back."

"Hey, Tess, there is no need to explain anything to me." He kisses my head before dipping it down to meet my gaze. "Your brother died, so you are more than justified to be upset, no matter how much time has passed." He shakes his head before looking off distantly. "I'd be a total mess if it was any of my brothers. Sophie..." His whole body shudders. "I can't even imagine..."

"I don't w-want you to imagine." I cut him off before he has to say anything more. "The fact you understand and have been so amazingly supportive through it all... Jamie, it's more than I can ever thank you for." I smile up at him, stroking his stubbly chin.

He leans forward to kiss my forehead and after a couple of minutes, I look up at him. "You want to head back?" I ask softly, but he shakes his head.

"Not quite yet." He touches my nose with his finger before walking sideways, back to Matt's headstone.

He kneels down, but I can't hear what he's saying. He seems to be telling him something, and he smiles as he touches Matt's headstone and bows his head. I can't read his lips from this far away so, curious as ever, when he returns to my side, I ask him what I said.

"I just said that I was sorry I never got to meet him," he shrugs. "From the way you and your dad always talk about him, he sounds like he would have been a lot of fun to be around." A larger smile pulls at his face and I can't help a similar smile on my own face. "Even more fun than you," he adds, bopping my nose gently with his index finger.

I roll my eyes. "Ugh, he was an absolute nightmare," I giggle, wiping a tear from my cheek. "But man... Jamie..." I shake my head as he looks expectantly at me. "He was the absolute best guy in the world."

He beams back at me, my favourite lopsided grin, as we come to a stop. When I look up at him, I find that my smile isn't forced anymore, even as I conjure up memories of Matt; his stupid expressions, his ridiculous impressions and his unrelenting ability to know exactly how to truly get on my nerves.

"His laugh was ridiculously infectious," I tell him, almost unable to control my own laughter as I recall it. "The kind where you would be angry at him, but he'd be able to make you laugh in seconds, making you forget what you were angry with him for in the first place. It was a deflection technique, which he was amazing at... but it was my favourite thing about him."

"Your laugh is infectious too, you know." It wasn't the first time I'd been told that.

"I reckon it's a twin thing," I smile. "But he could definitely do it better."

Jamie puts an arm around my shoulders. "Have you got any more pictures of him?"

"Of course." I beam, not needing to asked twice to show pictures of him off. "I'll get the photo album out after dinner."

He laughs, "Would be good to see you guys through the years."

"Jeez."I half snort and Jamie gives me one of his belly laughs in response. "Babe, I am not showing you baby pictures."

"Why not?" He asks. "You've seen mine!"

"Yeah, but yours are cute." I'm giggling and I can't control it. "Mine would scare you away. I was such a chubby baby... Thank the Lord I lost my chubby cheeks!"

He tips his head to the side and squints his eyes, laughing. "You do still have them when you smile," he points me, gesturing to my wide smile. "Those cheeks would never scare me away." He kisses me softly, a low hum in his throat as I run my hands through the bottom of his newly-shaved hair.

When he pulls away, his eyes soften slightly. "Were you older? Or was he?" he asks as we resume walking to the car.

"He was, by twelve minutes, but you wouldn't know it from speaking to him most of the time," I laugh. But my laughter soon disappears as a wave of sadness washes over me again.

Jamie doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms back around me.

"I promise, when we get home, these tears will have stopped. It's a wonder I even have any tears left these days."

"Hey," he scolds gently. "Stop apologising, you dork." He kisses my nose. "And as for telling me about him... you can tell me when you're ready. Because whenever you are, I'm here for you. No matter what, okay."

His eyes are so deep and sincere that I can't help but lean up and kiss him, looping my arms around his neck as his automatically go to my hips as he holds me close.

"What was that for?" he asks when I pull away, both of us a little giddy and breathless.

I shrug. "Do I need a reason?" I kiss him once more. "I just love you... that's all." It's all I have to say for my favourite, lopsided smile to reappear on his face. God, I love that smile.

"Well, back at you, baby." He kisses me. "Now... what's next on the agenda?" he asks as he jumps into the driver's seat.

"Home. I'm helping Millie with dinner tonight, as she has something special planned for us all."

His eyes light up at the thought of Millie's cooking, and I'd be lying if I said my mouth wasn't watering at the idea of Millie's cooking because it absolutely was. My stomach decides to rumble for effect too.

"Well... whatever concoctions you guys come up with, I'll be eating that plus thirds."

WIth one more kiss on my nose, he reverses out of the space and heads back towards home.