AS SOON AS I  turned onto the road from the cabins, the heavens open, hammering on the roof of the car all the way to the church. Thankfully, though, once I get there, it has reduced to just spitting.

When I park up, I sit for a moment, thinking it's strange to think it's my first time here. could have come when I finally came home from the hospital, but I never wanted to as I couldn't drive myself. If I went it meant Tessa or Andrew would go with me, but I just couldn't be around them. The guilt and the shame had been too much. But right now, I wish one of them was here with me. Or at least someone. I'd been grieving on my own for so long, and now I was ready for the support I should have accepted at the start.

I sit for a very long time, but finally, as the weather starts to clear to let a bit of sunshine peek through the clouds, I get out.

Grabbing the stuff from my back seat, I find my legs walking by themselves, guiding me until I reach a newer row of headstones. There are four of them, with the one on the end looking like the newest one, closest to the wall.

Matt.

When I get closer, I notice quite a few things, on top of the flowers.

A shirt has been laid out by the football team, and there is a huge bunch of orange flowers from Chloe, all with messages to say how much he is missed. The last bouquet, the largest one, is from Laura and Mark, and there is a phot of a baby inside the note card. For a moment, I thought it might be Matt, but as I look closer... it's not.

Now that I was remembering, Millie had told me that Laura and Mark had a baby in February, a little girl called Ellie. Inspecting the picture closely, she is just as beautiful as Millie had described, and at what looked like six months, you could see Ellie looks like Tessa already. Green eyes, blonde hair and a smile that would make you want to do anything for her, that look that stares straight to the depths of your soul... I smile, knowing this little bundle no doubt had everyone wrapped around her little finger.

Millie had told me Tessa had seemed a lot happier after Ellie was born, and I knew, more than anything, that Ellie was incredibly lucky to have Tessa for a big sister.

Putting picture back down where I found it, I place my two parcels at the back, out of people's eyeline. I lean the shirts against the headstone, placing the picture directly below it, hoping it wasn't too conspicuous that Tessa will know who it's from - as she's the only one who would. Once it's all in the right place, I sit back, clasping my hands in front of my knees, not caring the grass is wet.

I sigh, not knowing where to start.

"Hey..." I say finally.

It's the first time in a very long where I hadn't known what to say to him. I always told Matt everything, even if he didn't want to hear it, and so far the only time I'd had this much trouble was when I was finally telling him about Tessa and my relationship... He'd taken a couple of weeks to come around, having flipped out majorly, so he really would thump me into next week if he knew how I'd treated her this last year.

"How you doing...?" I ask, feeling stupid saying this all out loud, knowing he couldn't hear me.

I've seen people doing this in films, and I knew what I needed to say... I just had no idea how to actually say it.

"You know, I bet you hate me, right?" I ask, picking at the brown grass around me. "You're probably looking at me thinking what a fucking mess."

He's laughing at me. Definitely laughing at me. But I can hear him saying that he is mad... and that he wants to kick my butt into next week.

"I didn't know what else to do. You were gone, and I had no one else who could help me through it."

My voice breaks on the last word, and before I know it, I was sobbing, head in hands, shoulders shaking.

Tessa could have helped you through it.

I hear his voice in the back of my head and I know he's right. I acknowledge it but don't say anything as I finally allow myself to let the emotions out, knowing I've needed to for such a long time. But soon, I start to get myself under enough semblance of control.

I hadn't cried like that for a while. I hadn't let any proper emotions out for a while, and I suppose now, talking to my best friend, it's brought it all to the surface.

"I'm so sorry, Matt. I was wrong, so wrong. I've been wrong this entire time and I don't know how to fix this. It's all gone too far... I've taken it too far."

My head drops into my hands again, but it snaps back up when I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. I look around, but no one's here. But as I hear the familiar sound of someone playing football behind me, I know it's Matt, and that he's been here this whole time, listening to every word I'm saying.

"I'll do better, Matty. I promise I will." I look up as a ray of sunshine pierces through the clouds as I say it. "I'll come home, eventually, I promise. I can't promise how long it will take, but I'll do it. But for you... and for me," I sigh, "and for Tessa, I'll do it."

The sun shines again, brighter, warming me through.

"I miss you, Bud. Everyone does." I drop my head. "Nothing's the same. Hell, even Brighton are doing crap at the moment." I chuckle slightly, knowing Matt would be fuming about crap players and crap passing. "But it'll get better." I smile, and it's a genuine smile. "It will get better, I know it will. I promise it will."

I stand and close my eyes, resting my hands on Matt's headstone as the sound of a car pulling into the car park makes me turn around.

My stomach drops. "Shit."

It's my car. Well, Tessa's car.

Unsure if they could see me from the car park, I quietly whisper my goodbyes to Matt, telling him I'd see him as soon as I could, and slink off to the side of the church. Standing in the shadows, so they couldn't see me as I watch, she gets out of the car... and it's as if the world goes into slow motion.

My breath is taken away. She looks... Ah God, she looks beautiful.

Her blonde hair is just as long as I remember it, almost past her bum now, but as she walks towards me, she reaches up and puts it into her signature messy bun, fluffing her fringe forward. She's wearing short shorts, a pair of coloured vans, complemented with a white, longer linen shirt. Jesus, she looks amazing. So amazing my heart starts to hurt as it beats faster than it had in a while.

But then another figure catches my eye. A taller one.

Jamie.

Him being here takes me by surprise, and I can feel anger rising inside of me, wanting to go out and go over there to demand why he thought he had a right to be here when he didn't know Matt. But as I watch, he puts an arm around her, holding her close, kissing the top of her head, I know it's me that doesn't have a right to be here. It's me who's intruding.

As they walk closer to me, I study him, trying to see if there's anything in him... anything of me.

There isn't. In fact, he couldn't have been more different.

He's a lot taller than me, nearly a head and a half taller than Tessa, and his ginger hair is cropped shorter than mine, with curls on the top. His body type is different, taller and leaner, and as he gets closer, I notice a sleeve tattoo on one arm. I frown, not realising Tessa had liked tattoos. Then again, I suppose tastes change...

He drops one more kiss on the side of her head, but then changes direction, obviously giving her a few minutes alone with Matt. The only problem with that was that he was now headed in my direction.

My heart races as I back away, even more into the shadows, giving me no choice but to duck inside the church and sit on one of the pews, bowing my head, making myself as inconspicuous as I could.

As I had hoped, when he comes in, he takes no notice of me whilst he looks at the artwork on the walls, despite it being only the two of us in here. He's looking at the art, but he can't be studying it hard enough to actually take it in, and after ten minutes he's round the whole border of the wall.

I'm at the back, near the door, and as he walks past me he looks at me. I nod an acknowledgement and he frowns slightly, but nods back politely before leaving out the door as I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding.

At that, I take my opportunity to leave. Walking quickly, not running in fear of drawing too much attention, I tell myself not to look back, not to look back at her... but I couldn't help myself.

Standing with the door open, I let myself look at her, but soon I wish I hadn't. I watch her lean forward, knowing she's seen my picture. I accidentally slam the car door harder than I'd wanted, and as she turns, I feel like our eyes lock for a moment. My whole world suddenly bursts into technicolour, after living in black and white these last two years. But that moment of technicolour can't last. As I hit the ignition button, she stumbles forwards, giving me a minute to shove the car into reverse and almost handbrake turn out of the car park to get away. Looking at her in the rearview mirror, I know she probably thinks even less of me now than she did before... because I couldn't even bring myself to grieve with her.

But no matter how she feels, I keep going. I don't stop. I blast out of the gate, onto the main road, as far as my car will take me from my thoughts and feelings, before I turn around and confront her now, before either of us are ready.

I couldn't be here now. Who was I kidding. I was definitely kidding myself if I thought I would be able to stay. I had to get out of here, even if it would make Millie mad. I hope she would understand eventually... but she had to understand that, in my own weird way, I was doing it for Tessa. I just hope Tessa doesn't blame Millie for any of this, as it isn't her fault I'm an idiot. I've managed to do that quite well all by myself.

***

AFTER SITTING DOWN AT my computer and booking the earliest flight I could for tomorrow, I decide it's probably best I ring Greg to cancel for tonight.

Shutting my laptop I grab my phone and find his number, thinking he might be on his way over already given it was nearly six now.

He picks up after four rings and he does sound like he's driving, which makes me feel worse for cancelling as he's on his way over here.

"Hey Arch," he answers, his tone actually sounding happy to hear from me for a change.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, all good. What's up?" He chuckles. "Are you calling to cancel on me?"

I pause and can't help but laugh as he takes the wind out of my sails. "Actually... Yeah, I was." Silence in response. "I'm really sorry," I add as he sighs.

"When are you leaving?" he asks, getting straight to the point.

"I've booked on a flight for tomorrow morning. I'm telling Millie shortly, don't worry."

"Good." I suppose he was checking that I wasn't just abandoning her like I did last time. Leaving without even saying goodbye. "Do you need a lift to the airport or anything?"

I shake my head, about to tell him I was good, but then an idea pops into my head, an idea that might strengthen our friendship. "A lift would be great actually, and seeing as the car I have had another two weeks of rental... you can take it off my hands if you want?" He knows I have an F-Type, and I'm not surprised when the answer is a resounding yes.

"Hell yes. F-Type yeah?"

"Yup. And I can even extend the time if you want."

"I could be tempted... How did you even manage to rent of those anyway?"

"Technically it's a company car. There was a whole list. I'm sure I can get you onto it if I ask Pete. He knows you're as big a petrol head as me so..." I trail off, not needing to bore him with the details. "Millie knows what to do and who to ask, but I can put out a few feelers."

"Arch, is this you sweet-talking me and basically buying me a flash car?"

I chuckle. "Is it working?"

"Maybe," he teases. "But I am sorry we won't get to hang out later."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry too. But seeing as you're taking me tomorrow, I guess we're okay?"

"All good, Arch."

"Are you going to be okay for dinner?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm sure Millie's done way too much - she always does. Speaking of, I'd better go... She'd kill me if she found out I was phoning and driving. But text me flight details and I'll be there."

"Will do, thanks Greg."

He hangs up.

Well, that hadn't gone horribly, but the call this evening to Millie would be the hardest. Telling her I was letting her down, again, was going to be awful, because I didn't want her to go back to hating me again after we'd managed to make amends. I think she may hate me for a few weeks, which I deserve, but she'll be okay in the long run. I'd almost stayed the full three weeks I had promised, so at least I wasn't running on day two.

Sighing, I decide on a Dominos for dinner, as my plans involve myself and my suitcase, and when I'm all packed and dinner has arrived, I settle down in front of the TV, choosing a film I don't have to think about as my mind runs over the events of today.