I MUST HAVE FALLEN asleep at some point, because when I wake, Mum is sitting next to me and I can smell something delicious coming from upstairs.

A smile immediately erupts onto my face as my eyes come into focus, and I wrap my arms gently around her, burying my face into the scarf she's wearing around her neck as she strokes a comforting hand over my hair.

I don't know how long we stay like this, but when she pulls away, she strokes a thumb over my tear-streaked cheeks and beams back at me.

"How is it that you've grown more beautiful since I last saw you?" she asks.

I half laugh as a sob chokes out. I can't look that attractive right now... Everyone knows I'm the world's ugliest crier. However I smile anyway, because I am so happy to see her, and to see her here in front of me and not through a screen.

I look down at her, wiping at my own cheeks as she rubs a hand over her bulging belly.

"Mum, you're practically glowing!" I hug her again. "And I've missed you so much."

She sighs and looks into my eyes as she strokes a soft hand over my hair again before resting her hand on my cheek. I lean my head into it and give her the strongest smile I can muster.

"Me too, kiddo. Me too."

We both wipe at tears as we laugh, just as another strong whiff of ham and garlic comes floating down the stairs.

"Is that Mark cooking upstairs?" I ask, knowing it is.

"It sure is." She nods and laughs. "Why don't you go and see if he needs a hand." She pats my knee. "I just need to talk to your dad," she says quietly, gesturing to his sleeping frame next to me.

I give her another smile as I nod, hugging her one final time before I head up the stairs towards the smell that's making my mouth water. When I round the corner to kitchen, Mark is chopping onions, trying to contend with weeping eyes.

He sees me and waves with hand holding the knife before wiping at his eyes with the crook of his elbow. "I always get emotional when chopping onions," he jokes, his voice artfully cracking before he abandons them for a moment and puts an arm around me, pulling me close.

"They are emotion-inducing little buggers," I giggle as he lets me go. "Do you need a hand with anything?" I offer.

"I hoped you'd ask that. Can you start on the roasted veg? All the stuff's in that bag there."

He gestures with his head to a large red bag near the fridge and I open it to find enough vegetables to feed a small army.

For an hour or so, we talk in the kitchen, moving around each other as the dinner moves towards its final stages. I haven't really cooked with him for ages, not since Matt and I first met him, but he has this way of making me feel at ease, and right now it's all I need when we have an emotional week ahead of us.

Every ten minutes, I crouch down to take a look at the meat in the oven, torturing myself as I watch it bubble nicely, with a mouth-wateringly delicious-looking slab of crackling on the top.

"How's it looking?" Mark asks, chopping up the last of the strawberries for our dessert.

I push up on my knees and make a contended face. "So good. How long's it got left?"

He checks his watch. "Maybe about an hour? Not too long."

I nod before jumping up on the kitchen island, watching him cut strawberries so fast his hands are almost moving in a blur.

"So Mark... how do you feel about becoming a dad?" I ask, accepting the small bowl of strawberries he offers me.

When he turns to face me, he's beaming from ear to ear and there's a brightness in his eyes that I'd never really noticed before. He's excited - as he should be - and he hasn't been able to stop smiling since I got here.

"I'm over the moon, Tess. And I'm so excited to be a dad." He laughs and puts the knife down before joining me up on the island. "I never thought I'd get the chance to be one..."

"How come you never tried before?" I ask, hoping he didn't see it as too intrusive.

He shrugs, not seeming bothered. "I've just always been travelling, and putting the job first. Kids were never really going to be in the picture until I settled down, and then when I met your mum we were still travelling."

I nod. "Have you always wanted them?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," he says without hesitation. "I'm one of five, so I've always loved the idea of having a big family of my own." He smiles. "I'm actually the only one of my brothers and sisters not to have kids... so it wasn't as if Mum and Dad are short on grandchildren," he jokes.

"How many grandkids?" I ask.

"Six. More than enough..." he nudges me. "And they'll tell you that," he adds, winking.

Six? Mum and Dad were both only children, so we didn't have any cousins, and we were Nan and Granddad's only grandchildren. Well, I was. I shake my head away from that thought as Mark continues.

"I suppose it all just boiled down to the right lady for me. And it just so happened that I never really had a serious relationship until your mum."

"Really?" I ask, genuinely shocked.

He rolls his eyes. "I know, I know. A good-looking guy like myself should have girlfriends coming out of his ears, right?"

I laugh. "Well..." I shrug, not wanting to go down this particular line of conversation. "There must have been someone before Mum... surely?"

"Relationships, yes. But never serious ones where I thought far enough ahead as to think about children. I was always away... and that was always the problem."

I nod, understanding. Mum being away so much had been the main reason my parents divorced when we were fourteen. Dad could never really understand why Mum always wanted to leave when she had us all here.

"But when I met your mum, she got me, and she understood the lifestyle." He smiles, remembering something. "We'd met before, a couple of times on other jobs, but when we worked together more closely in Syria, we got to know each other really well, and by the time we came back to England, I think we both knew we wanted a future with each other."

I knew they had known each other before because Mark had told us when we first met him, but I'd never really asked about the details. For one thing, I didn't want to pry, but for another, the details didn't really matter. All that mattered was that Mum was happy.

"But anyway yeah, I've always wanted a big family. And yes, sure, maybe having them earlier would have been more ideal, but I'm still absolutely over the moon!"

I giggle. "Mark, you're not that old," I tell him, trying and failing to stifle a smile. 

Mum is thirty-eight, after having us at nineteen, and Mark is younger than her, so there was still plenty of time for both of them.

"Gee, thanks," he jokes, picking up the tea towel to throw at me.

I laugh as he jumps off the island, throwing a piece of stray carrot at me. A mini food-fight ensues for a few minutes, us both finding scraps off the side. It stops when I hit him in the cheek with the end of an onion. 

He puts his hands up to surrender, still laughing, but I accept, having run out of ammunition.

"We should probably clean up," he tells me, and I nod, still laughing.

As we wipe at the surfaces, it's quiet between us, and from the way he keeps looking at the stairs, I can tell he wants to know what's going on downstairs. They'll be talking about Matt, but I think it was always best for Dad to tell Mum on her own. Dad knows I'm okay with it, so it's convincing Mum that's the hard part.

"Is Millie joining us by the way?"

I flick my head away from the stairs and look at him.

"I'm not sure actually. I hadn't told her I was coming home, so she may have plans."

I pull my phone out of my pocket and see I've missed a series of WhatsApp messages from Nelly and Sophie. It's not even seven and they look completely plastered, so I really am glad I've avoided this one.

Saving them for later, I tap into Millie's conversation and type a message:

Hey! Last minute thing... but I'm home and we've got roast pork here for dins if you're about?! xx

The ticks turn blue almost immediately.

Ooooh! Yes yes yeeeees, count us in! We'll be over soon!

Wait, how long are you back for?

"I think Millie and Greg are in," I laugh as they send a picture of Greg's empty fridge.

All week :D xx

Amazing! We'll be over shortly :D xxx

"That's quite alright. That pork serves twenty," he says, pointing the oven.

"Twenty?!" My eyes widen. "Jesus. Well, eight of those portions will be Greg alone," I chuckle. "So I suppose having buttloads is a good thing."

"I've met Greg haven't I?"

I make a face, trying to remember. "I think so? He's really tall, and he's a surfer."

His face lifts in recognition so he obviously has met him. There's not much chance you can forget Greg. He's certainly a character, and that's absolutely perfect for Millie because she's a character herself.

We hear voices coming up the stairs just as the kettle boils and I can see that Mum has been crying. Her eyes are red, but she's smiling, which means that Dad has told her. I get my ugly crying from Mum. The two of us are ridiculous watching sad movies, as Matt and Mark pointed out more than once.

She crosses the room and puts an arm around my shoulder, pressing her cheek softly to the top of my head.

"So, tomorrow then?" she asks, squeezing me as I wrap my arms around her.

I look up and nod. "Yeah. Tomorrow," I sigh.

I'm about to tell them that Millie and Greg will be joining us for dinner when the door opens and a 'Yoohoo' erupts from the hallway. They must have been nearby to get here so quickly.

"Hey g-"

She stops when she sees we're all standing around crying.

"Is everything o-"

She stops again when she looks at Mum.

"Laura! Oh my God, since when are you pregnant?!" Her head flips backwards and forwards between Laura and Mark and the two of them laugh. "Oh my God, congratulations!" She moves forward to hug Mum and Mark. "This is so awesome!"

She comes to stand next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders and I lean my head on hers, tears starting up for a whole other reason.

Millie has had a haircut since I'd seen her at the beginning of summer. It's shorter, shaved at the back and sides, leaving it curly on the top. After seeing her with long hair for so long it's strange to see it so short, but it does really suit her. Especially with her curly hair on top.

"So what brings you guys here?" Mark asks, clearly joking, as he knows why they're here. I turn my head in the direction Mark's looking and I laugh as Greg is peering into the oven.

Millie doesn't miss a beat though. "Your food, Mark. Aaaaaalways here for the food, you should know this by now," she jokes and we all laugh.

She's a foodie, through and through. She'll start picking Mark's brain at some point. It's not a matter of if, but when. Greg keeps complaining he's going to get fat but I know he secretly loves it.

"So how come you're back?" Millie asks me quietly, pulling me to one side. "As much as I love seeing you..."

I sniff a laugh as I roll my eyes. "Thanks." I smile. "I just needed to come home. And seeing as it's Reading Week and I have no lectures, I figured I may as well."

She grins and squeezes me tighter. "Well, we're glad you're back," she says with a big smile on her face. "It's been really weird without any of you guys here." Her face loses its smile for a second before it recovers. "But Andy and I have been baking loads. He's taught me all his tricks."

"Oh yeah?" I say, quirking an eyebrow at Dad, whose cheeks redden with the compliment. He shakes his head before directing both Mum and Mark downstairs, leaving us to it.

"Yup. And it's seriously making me think I want to run my own restaurant. One where everything is homegrown or locally sourced."

I raise my eyebrows. She's always loved cooking, and she's started experimenting with different ingredients, creating her own recipes, and they are literally the most delicious things I've ever eaten. She sent me up to Scotland for Fresher's Week this year with courgette brownies, and I've been told I'm not to come back without three batches of them. When she came to visit last year, whilst the others all went out and partied, we watched movies and baked. And it was the best weekend ever.

"That is awesome, Mils!" I hug her closer and she smiles proudly before transferring herself into Greg's arms as I jump back up onto the kitchen island. "I'll be eating there every day, that's for sure."

I meant that. I hadn't found a bake Millie made I didn't like.

"How's surfing Greg?"

He smiles as Millie slots herself to his front, wrapping his arms around her. They are too cute for words.

"It's good." He shrugs. "Although I'm off to Cali next week for a whole month, so I have to leave this one behind," he pouts before kissing the side of her head.

"Cali in November?" He nods. "Is that not exciting?"

"It is, yeah. But I hate leaving Mils," he says.

"It's only a few weeks, babe," Millie says, stroking his hand soothingly. "I'll be busy with baking anyway."

He's looking at her in a way I miss so sorely. Archie and I used to look at each other like that, and I hate that I still feel the sting of it now that he's gone.

"Fine. As long as there are muffins for me when I come back."

She swats at his hand before she sighs and looks at me.

"So how come you're back, Tess?" Millie asks. "For real this time," she adds.

"Well it really is Reading Week," I shrug. "But.. the reason Mum's here is because we're going through Matt's stuff. Finally putting all this stuff behind us."

I don't quite think she was expecting me to say that because she cups her mouth and tears come to her eyes. "Aw, Tess. I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to be so insensitive."

"Insensitive?"

She nods. "Yeah. Just coming out and demanding why you're back."

I shake my head, telling her she's being ridiculous, and she smiles.

"You know I'm here for you, don't you?"

I nod. "Yes, of course I do, and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done."

She shakes her head. "How I see it is that Andy's been there for me for years... so it was about time I repaid the favour."

"No, I mean it. You've been here for Dad, for me... when I should be here, helping. You're amazing."

It's quiet between us for a few moments, as the enormity of what Millie's doing sinks in, but from the drop in her expression, I'm guessing she knows what my mind has suddenly turned to.

I can taste the anger on the tip of my tongue for Millie having been put in this situation... to have been put in the middle and essentially left behind. And we all know who is to blame for that.

I'm angry. I'm so angry... But that doesn't mean I don't care either. That was what was so bad about how he left. After feeling so isolated from him anyway, not able to say so many things, he upped and left, and all of us are isolated in a way that no one will ever understand. There are things I can only say to him, things that only he will understand, and I feel like that's the reason I won't be able to move on properly.

She sighs and I look up. She's now standing next to my knee, looking up at me, her eyes tearing up as much as mine are. Hers are probably more from anger than mine are to be honest. But the difference with Millie is that Archie is her brother, and no matter how much she hates him for leaving her, she can't hate him.

"He's okay Tessa," she says quietly, answering the thoughts I didn't even know I had. "He would at least want you to know that."

She's looking at me weirdly, like she knows more information that will tell me that he isn't actually okay, and that she's only telling me he's okay so that I don't ask any more questions. But then again, it has been a year, so maybe he is doing okay, and I should just accept that. It's probably to do with the fact Millie is protecting me from hearing the truth, which is that Archie never wants to see us again. Never wants to see me again.

All I can do is nod, so I do. I push all my questions into a drawer, which is getting harder and harder to close, and hope that some day soon I'll be able to see him and ask all of them.

"God, I am going to be a crying mess over the next week," I say, trying to sound lighthearted.

I'd already been fighting back tears all day - most of which had been unsuccessful - and I laugh as I wipe at one more that escapes.

"Tell me about it." She swipes at her own cheeks as she jumps up on the island next to me. "You know... I hope you don't mind... but... I go in there sometimes."

I frown. "You do?" She nods and averts her gaze as if she was embarrassed. "Mils, why would I mind?"

She shrugs. "I don't know... I just don't want you to think I was disturbing anything, because going in there is the easiet way to do that."

I take her hand and she rests her head on my shoulder.

"I just go in there and sit on the floor. I talk to him... letting him know that he's everyone's thinking about him."

"That's the first thing I did when I got home. I went and laid on the bed, hugged one of his pillows." A frog forms in my throat at the memory. "It's as if he's never left."

"Yeah, or like we've just missed him," she agrees with a smile.

I nod, squeezing her hand.

"You know, you shouldn't get rid of all of his shirts. Especially the signed ones." She looks at Greg. "Babe, is there a way you can get the others signed?"

I look over at Greg, who is smiling, nodding.

"Yeah, I definitely can. My agent knows the sports management company that represents him."

"Awesome. Then you can frame and hang them up all around his room. If he ever decided to get his act together, I think that's what he wanted to do," she says with a laugh.

"Probably. Although he'll never forgive us if we wash the Maty Ryan jersey that's on his wardrobe. That's literally a shirt off his back." I laugh. "But Greg, that would be amazing. Thank you."

That gesture of kindness is apparently too much for my emotions now, and a rather unattractive sob explodes out of me, followed by a series of similarly ugly ones.

I see a tissue appear beneath my nose, and I blow into it before attempting to apologise.

"I'm sorry... I just miss him. I miss him so much. I miss him more than I've ever missed anybody. Every day I was up at uni, I wanted to text him or to ring him, to tell him about all the stuff that happened and laugh about all the things he would have found ridiculous." Another sob comes out of me. "But I can't." I sniff raggedly, trying to get my breathing under control.

"Aw Tess," Millie croons, her voice sounding as glassy as mine.

"I'm sorry." I lean back away from her and wipe at my tears and nose with my sleeve. "I really shouldn't be crying this much."

"Tess, what are you talking about?" She shakes her head. "It's good to be letting it all out. It's not good to keep it all in." She swats gently at my knee, as if she's telling me off. "And you know you can always call me?" She takes my hand and squeezes it reassuringly. "Whenever you want to talk about that kind of stuf... just call me. I know I'm not Matt..." she shrugs. "But I can try?"

"Mils, I can assure you, you already do more than enough. For me and for Dad." I tap her knee. "And I don't want to keep putting you in the middle."

She shakes her head sharply. "Tess, I'm already in the middle," she huffs, although I know her frustration isn't directed at me. "My stupid brother put me there acting the way he did... the way he is. And I hate him for that," she says through gritted teeth.

"Mil-"

She jumps sharply off the island, her feet slamming so hard on the floor it makes me jump.

"He's an idiot and he's made the complete wrong decision in leaving!" Her voice is getting steadily louder.

She stops and closes her eyes when Greg pulls her into his arm. She struggles for a few seconds before she calms, but from the fact she exploded in the first place - because she never does that - I'm not surprised she's annoyed. And as I finally take a closer look at her, I can see how much it's truly wearing on her. But as she sees me examining her features, she shakes her head and a strong smile appears on her face. And because of her ability to do that, she'll always be the strongest person I'll ever know.

"Long story short," she finally says once she's wiped away what tears she has on her cheeks, "please ring me." She keeps herself in Greg's arms. "We can help each other, help your dad, because it's what friends do."

She smiles as she steps forward, hugging me awkwardly, putting her ear to my stomach, and giggles as she steps away.

"Now... please tell me dinner is ready soon, because the smell of that meat is driving me crazy." She giggles before bouncing away from us and down the stairs to the adults.

I watch her go down and wait until I hear a door close before turning to Greg.

"Is she okay?" I ask quietly. "And be honest. Please."

He scratches his head and pushes off the counter to come and stand next to me.

"There are good days, and then some bad days. He doesn't really talk to her to be honest."

He grits his teeth, and for a moment I truly hate Archie for doing that to the person who least deserves it. I get why he doesn't want to talk to me, but I really don't understand why he's doing that to Millie.

"She's trying to be strong about it," he continues, "but it's not working anymore. She thinks I don't see, but I do, and it's getting difficult to just sit by and watch her suffer." He shakes his head and pushes away from the counter. "It's just still so unlike him, and she's finding it so hard not to talk to him. It's as if he's just dropped off the map."

I frown. "Is he not in New York?"

"No idea. I'm assuming he is. I think Millie knows where he is but she never answers me straight when I ask."

This new information has me reeling, but I know for all our sakes that I have to try and ignore it. From what I can see, it appears that Archie doesn't want to be found until he's ready - not even Millie - which means he's probably suffering way more than any of us had even realised. My heart leaps, and I feel sick to my stomach knowing he's hurting and that he's all alone in the world, but I know if it's what he needs to do... then I'll support him in that. No matter how long it took, I'll support him.

"He's a knob for doing this to you guys," Greg's harsh words pierce through me as he speaks through gritted teeth. "To Millie. To you. After everything you've done for him and what you guys have been through... he just fucking ups and leaves?" He shakes his head. "I see how much it hurts her, how it much it hurts you everyday, and believe me when I say he has a lot of explaining to do if or whenever he comes home."

I pull away from him, surprised by his hostility for a moment. But when I don't jump to Archie's defence, I'm even more surprised at myself.

It's because Greg was right. And I shouldn't be making excuses for him anymore because what he's done was unforgiveable. Not the accident. It's him leaving Millie that's unforgivable. I understand he's hurting - we all are - but he shouldn't have shut any of us out, least of all Millie.

But what Greg was telling me now was that it was time to start healing, and that I didn't need a conversation with Archie to do it.

All I needed to do to start healing was to forget about him and move on... once and for all.

***

BEFOFE MARK CARVES THE pork, Millie speaks up at the table, raising her glass as she looks from me, to Mum, and then to Dad.

"To Matt."

Tears are in her eyes as we all join in and I give her a thankful smile.

"To Matt!" We all say in unison.

I look around the table at my mismatch family – Greg and Millie included – and for the first time since Matt died and Archie left, I'm starting to feel more complete. With a new baby on the way and happiness around the corner, I feel like everything will be okay.

It may not be just yet, but I now know that it will be.