I'M IN THE SAME predicament as Christmas.

I need to go home, and yet there's something stopping me.

Jamie was stopping me. Or rather the lack of Jamie was stopping me.

The predicament I was in was that if I turned up at home without him, it wouldn't go unnoticed, and the last thing I wanted was to come to home to was a myriad of questions.

Of course the other predicament - the biggest predicament, and one I am vehemently trying to get my head around - is that Jamie doesn't want children. And that was a lot worse...

Why now? Why did this conversation have to show up now?

He was right in that we aren't ready for them. I'm definitely not ready! I'm not even twenty-one. But the realisation of the fact he didn't want them at all had sent me into a tailspin anyway... A couple who had been together less than a year don't really talk about these things, especially couples still at university... and yet here we are.

But what I hadn't been prepared for was what came next. What came after I told him to leave.

I thought I was done with the heartache, and the horrid open sore that was opening up inside my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe. I thought I was done with feeling so low I couldn't even bring myself to lift my head, let alone get out of bed.

I'd gone through this once before. Archie leaving the way he did had been so devastating that it changed me, almost beyond recognition, as I became this closed off and depressed person. But Jamie leaving too? The thought made me feel like there was literally nothing left.

In seven months I had become this new person, this happy person, and now all of that had gone, replaced again by the weak, broken version of me. All that work to get myself back to being the person I was before Archie left, happy and bright, was now crumbling down around me.

Today was the day Jamie and I were supposed to leave for home. He had an internship starting on Monday so was staying with us for the summer, so if I turn up without him, well even the most unobservant person would notice. And that's not even mentioning that I am crap at hiding my feelings these days. We were supposed to be driving together, laughing about stupid stuff, singing off-key to the radio and eating snacks all day but instead I'm lying alone in my bed, cocooned in the duvet as the darkness spirals beneath me.

Basically there is no way I am turning up without him, which means I have to speak to him... which means getting out of this bed... which means mustering up enough strength. And strength is something I really didn't have.

But what I do have was anger. And I have it in spades.

Understandably, I am mad.

I'm not mad at the fact he doesn't want kids - the naive part of me is choosing believe that he just doesn't want kids right now. What I am mad at is that he thinks it's okay to laugh at me for wanting them in the future. That isn't funny. That isn't something to laugh at, and for that, I am beyond fuming.

Call me an idiot if you want, but I think it's a perfectly natural thing to want a future with someone you love. And maybe I am the kind of person who plans ahead, but then everybody knows that. Jamie definitely knew that. But then he just comes back and laughs at me? No.

What I felt hurt most was that he seemed to be laughing at the possibility of a future... like I was expendable or replaceable to him, or that a future with me isn't worth planning for. And that made me feel like utter shit.

But this time I can't run away, and I can't let him run away either. I did that once before, but this time we're going to have to face it like adults. I am going to confront him sooner rather than later, search him out before it goes on beyond anything we can repair, and we both get hurt. I need to fix this. I need to fix us.

What is there to fix?

My subconscious shouts it at me, and for once she's right, and I know I should listen to her. Because it isn't like either of us want kids now... We're both so young, with maybe five or six years before we even wanted to think about starting a family, and I agreed with that. So why, then, did I throw him out? We should have just kept talking. I should have allowed him to explain... or at least shouted it out like a normal couple. Arguing is normal... right?

The point was, the more I think about this, the more I realise each minute I stay in bed is another minute I risk losing out on happiness. Because he is my happiness. Wanting kids or not, he is my happiness. And future. And I'd be throwing both of those out the window if I didn't go and find him.

I need to get out of bed and find him before we go past the point of no return. I made that mistake once and I am not doing that ever again.

No matter how angry I wanted to be, I couldn't be, and in the space of my inner monologue, it seems to have all melted away, replaced by the fact that I just miss him. I miss the way he holds me tight when we sleep, and kisses the back of my head softly before he drops off. I miss the fact he texts me good night and good morning on the nights we don't spend together. Last night was the only night where he hasn't and I hate it. I feel like something's missing. And for that reaason alone, I fling back the covers and run out of the room, flying down the stairs to the kitchen.

I have to go after him, no matter the outcome. I just had to.

***

WHEN I BURST INTO the kitchen, I'm met with shocked expressions on both Nelly and Will's faces.

"Tessa?!" Nelly shrieks before basically launching herself at me. I only just manage to stop myself from being bowled over. "Oh my God, where the hell have you been?!"

I frown and pull away from her, looking at Will. "What do you mean, where the hell have I been?"

Nelly looks at Will and then back at me.

"Tess, you weren't answering. Your door was locked. Jamie came here yesterday and Friday looking for you, looking for us. We tried your door but no one answered."

What?

"You're being a bit overdramatic given I've been in my room for one night."

From the looks on Will's and Nelly's faces, I'm guessing I've grown an extra head.

"Tess, we haven't been able to find you for like three days. We were about to ring your dad... even report you missing." She tries to sound like she's joking but her face is saying the opposite.

My eyes widen.

"Three days?" I ask, and Will nods, steering me towards a chair as Nelly sits next to me.

I had vaguely noticed the light fading and then brightening again outside... but I thought it was just the sun going behind clouds in the morning. I definitely hadn't realised it was the sun setting and rising on three new days!

"Where were you?" Will asks.

"I was... upstairs." I'm starting to panic. "I haven't even left my room!"

"But we knocked?" Nelly says. "Your door was locked. Did you not hear us knocking?"

Now that I'm thinking about it, I do. But I had just had an argument with him and I was stewing, so no way was I letting him in. In my mind it had only been five minutes. I hadn't realised it had been a whole three days.

Nelly puts her arm around my shoulders as I begin to process the information they've just given me.

"Has he..." I start, not even wanting to finish the question. I didn't want to know if he'd gone to London without me.

Nelly shakes her head. "He said he wouldn't go until he'd spoken to you."

A small part of me sighs in relief that he hadn't left, but I have no idea if he was even going to come back. I'd ignored him, twice, so I feel like I'm more in the wrong for not letting him explain. For him to go off like that, there must be something else he hasn't told me.

"What else did he say?" I ask, my voice small.

Nelly sighs before answering. "I'm not good with what he said, Tess, but I do appreciate him coming back to apologise."

I nod. "Did he say why he said it?" I ask, wondering if he'd told Nelly what he had said to me.

"He just said he felt overwhelmed."

Overwhelmed? The word makes me frown.

"And he'd said he'd had a rough couple of days... but even though I don't like what he said... when you wouldn't talk to him, he was hurting. He feels awful, I know that much."

A lump forms in my throat at the idea of me hurting him, making my eyes sting as tears threaten.

"You could see he was sorry," Will adds. "And he clearly hadn't slept. I don't know what he did or said, Tess, but he is sorry. Truly sorry."

"Yeah, not to mention he looked like shit," Nelly finishes.

I half laugh, but I mostly ignore the comment, knowing I probably looked just as shit... if not more.

"How much did you guys hear?"

Nelly shakes her head before she answers. "We didn't hear anything, seeing as we only realised you guys had had an argument when Jamie turned up grovelling on the doorstep. But he told us when none of us could find you."

"Well, not everything," WIll interjects. "But he understood why you wouldn't want to talk to him. But he is really sorry. You could see it written all over his face."

I sigh and drop my head into my hands, trying to get a handle on all of this.

"So he hasn't gone?"

Nelly shakes her head.

"I think he's at Rob's. You might b-"

She's cut off by the doorbell ringing.

"By any luck, that will be him."

I'm halfway down the corridor as she says it, because there's no other person it can be.

His eyes are wide when I open the door - like he's seeing but not quite believing - the blue in them looking exhausted, like he hadn't slept, and he looks pale in the shadowed porch light outside our front door. But it only takes his brain a few seconds to catch up because soon I'm in his arms, legs wrapped tightly around his middle, smiling as he turns us in a slow circle.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbles into my shoulder.

I answer by squeezing him tighter, kissing at the side of his neck as I weave my fingers through his hair, stroking softly. I want to forget about the last few days and just revel in the fact he's here.

But when he speaks again, I know I have to listen.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it," he mumbles, his mouth inches away from mine, his clear blue eyes piercing into me, full of sadness.

"Shhh..." I try to calm him but he shakes his head.

"No, Tess, baby, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was... I don't know. I was overwhelmed."

There is that word again.

"With Sophie... and then you talking about families... I just panicked. It was the only thing I could think of to get it to stop."

I frown at him, not appreciating what he'd just said.

He sees and puts me down gently, keeping his hands on my hips, making sure I wouldn't slip away again.

"I didn't mean it. Not at all. I want it all, okay. Kids, dogs, house... the whole picket-fenced ten yards."

I must have flinched at him saying that as well because his eyes flash with regret for a moment. I didn't want to hear those words if it meant he was just appeasing me. I wanted him to mean it, and right now, I knew he didn't. He was only saying it because he thinks it's what I want to hear.

"I'm sorry," he says again.

I walk away from him, to head up to my room, but he remains in the doorway, confused at what I'm doing.

Turning to look at him properly, he's in the same clothes he was in a few days okay, his shirt all creased, his eyes red from lack of sleep.

"Tessa, I love you okay. I was just angry... You just..." he looks down, as if he was ashamed. "You just bore the brunt of my frustration. And I am so, so, so sorry."

Now that sounded true. Especially the part about me and his mum conspiring against him for grandchildren.

I turn on the stairs and sigh. "Jamie, I get you were angry okay, and I know you didn't mean it. But laughing..."

His shoulders sink as I say it.

"That was horrible, Jamie. So horrible."

He sighs before closing the door and gathering me up in his arms. Putting my arms around his neck, he heads up the stairs to my room, probably noting that Will and Nelly were standing in the kitchen door. Once we're in my room, he puts me down gently, closes the door and then resumes his position, hands on my hips, and softly presses his lips to my forehead.

"Do you see our future as a joke?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper.

I had to ask the question, even if it hurt more than anything to think it, let alone say it.

He shakes his head quickly, which soothes me. "No. Nothing about our future is a joke, okay. A future with you is what I'm most looking forward to."

He kisses my nose before continuing.

"Tess, you're amazing. You'll make a great mum when the time comes. I just panicked..."

He sighs and looks me in the eye and when he winces, I suddenly realise that there was more to this.

It couldn't be him annoyed that Sophie was having a baby. It can't have been a surprise given Sophie and Ellis have been together since they were fifteen. There had to be something else.

"It's not just Sophie is it...?" I probe quietly.

A slight shake of Jamie's head tells me I'd hit the nail right on the head.

He moves past me to sit on the bed, head in hands, looking more broken than I'd ever seen him.

"Jamie, what is it?"

I drop down next to him and softly put my fingers under his chin, tipping his head up so that he had to meet my eyes. With my other hand, I take his, holding his gaze. It looks empty... like something is haunting him... and I feel like I've had a swift kick to the ribs when I realise who he's so broken up over.

It's Emily. And I know that because I would feel exactly the same if I'd heard this same news about Archie.

"It's Emily, isn't it?"

A subtle nod.

"Is she..."

Another nod.

I sigh and close my eyes and shuffle closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder as I wrap my hands around the top of his arm.

Over the last few months, I'd realised that Jamie and I are more similar than I'd initially realised. We're the same in that we've both had a glimpse of forever once before. I had Archie in the way that Jamie had Emily, and both of us are still connected to those people in a way that no one will ever understand. That tether will always be there, even though Jamie and I are happy, and that's the only reason I know he is hurting more than is humanly possible.

"She's... pregnant."

He gets it out and then breathes a sigh, almost in relief, like it's a relief to get it out in the open, telling someone else.

Of course Jamie's is worse, because Emily is happy with Jamie's brother, so he can't get away from it.

"How... How far along is she?" I ask quietly, not knowing if my question would help or not.

He's quiet for a long time, but soon he sighs.

"Not sure. Three months maybe? No more than four."

I kiss his shoulder as he explains.

"Mum rang me in floods of joy a couple of days ago, and I thought..." he pauses to sniff and wipe his nose on his sleeve. "I thought I was okay. I thought I'd be okay because I've got you and you're amazing... But it still hurts."

I kiss the side of his head as he tips it towards me.

"I know it hurts... Believe me, I know."

He leans back and turns to look at me properly.

"Tessa, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for never understanding how this feels. I'm sorry I've been angry about how you're feeling... about... Archie. And when you mention him. I know how it feels now, and it's fucking awful."

He chokes a sob as he drops his head into his hands again.

"It's awful."

I try to give him a reassuring smile as I cup his face in my hands. I kiss his lips softly before shuffling forward, closer, leaning my forehead close to his.

He wipes his nose again and then half laughs. "I thought I was the strong one here... but I'm not. You are."

I shake my head before pressing my lips softly to his again. It wasn't a competition, and I didn't want to hear anything more about it. I focus on the salty taste of his tears on his lips as I kiss him harder, clinging to him like the lifeline he is.

I don't want to say anything more because there's nothing I can say. The two of us are the only people who understand how the other is feeling, and for that, there are no words.

There was only this moment, the feeling of his hands on my skin, his lips moving against mine. It was the only place I wanted to be.

I never wanted to let him go.