WE WIN. QUITE CONVINCINGLY.

Playing for over an hour, the Columbia Cats beat the NYU Badgers 8-2, and I had never felt better.

I was unfit, horrendously unfit, but I kept going because my knee was holding out, despite my lungs screaming at me to stop. And I was having fun. I was laughing, joking with these new friends, and there was no way I was going to stop playing just because I was slightly out of breath.

When we get to Flagstaff's, an Irish pub just down the road from the university, the Badger's captain, Tommy, put his card behind the bar and the group of us have been enjoying free-flowing beers for hours. I've lost track of time, but I'm starting to feel a bit fuzzy on the edges.

"You know for someone who hasn't played for two years, you're pretty amazing. That second goal... I thought you said you broke your leg?" Tommy asks, after coming back for his fifth pint.

He's the only one left out of the NYU lot, the others only stayed for one, and despite Ollie calling him 'the enemy', he's actually a pretty decent guy.

"I didn't know I had it in me to be honest," I laugh.

"I'd hate to see what you were like when you played every day. Did you play for your school or something?"

I nod. "Yeah. But it also helped having a friend who's obsessed."

"And where's this friend now?" Ollie asks. "Please say he goes to Columbia."

I shake my head as a stone threatens to drop in my stomach. Talking about Matt is never easy, but I suppose I was the one who brought him up, so I just try my best in answering the question.

"No... he, erm..." I scratch my head before taking a large mouthful of beer for support. "He passed away a couple of years ago actually."

The whole group goes silent, faces falling, all not really knowing what to do or to say. But to help them, I just keep going.

"Matt. He was called Matt. He was a goalie, like you Tab, only better." He barks a laugh. "No offence," I add with a laugh of my own.

"Hey, none taken. If he taught you everythig you know then he must have been pretty good."

"How did he die?" Ollie asks.

Nate swats at his shoulder, telling him to stop, but I shake my head, telling him it was okay. Now that I was talking about him, it actually wasn't so bad.

"Car accident. The same one I got these from. It hit me pretty hard... for a while. But he would have enjoyed today, for sure. He was always shouting at me to move my feet, or cover a gap I was already covering."

"Tab, you need to do more of that," Dan tells him, swatting his arm before heading to the bar to get the next round of pitchers.

"You guys do pretty well on your own. Means I can just stand back and admire all the beautiful ladies walking past," he smirks, his eyes following a girl walking towards us.

She stops, but only long enough for Tab to kiss her forehead before she joins her own friends, one of whom I had noticed was staring at me.

Ollie leans to my side. "Tab married at eighteen," he says quietly in my ear.

"And proud to," Tab announces, clearly hearing Ollie, who'd clearly said it loud enough for him to hear.

"I will never understand that," Gus says, laughing. I laugh too, to join in, but I absolutely get it. Tessa and I were practically there ourselves, before I went and fucked everything up.

He chuckles and blows a kiss to the girl in the corner before bringing his attention back to us. "Don't care bro. Love is love, and life is too short."

I nod and raise my glass. "I'll drink to that." I clink my glass with Tab's before clinking the others.

***

OVER THE COURSE OF the evening, pint after pint, I get to know each of the boys a little better.

Tab, a Business major, is from Wilmington, North Carolina and is the first of his family to opt not to join the army. His dad doesn't approve, but always wanted him to follow his own feet, which led to him getting a scholarship here. He married Elise shortly after they graduated High School, and the two of them rent a small apartment in Brooklyn.

Gus, a Sport Sciene major, is literally all about sports. He wrestled in High School before he broke his shoulder, but then switched to Track and Field, and football. He's from New York, but from Greenport, in the Hamptons.

Dan and Nate are brothers - Dan being two years older than Nate. Both best friends, both studying law.

Pete, who is quite literally the funniest guy I've ever come across, is older than us. He served three tours in Afghanistan, signing up at eighteen, before deciding he wanted to go back to school. He's studying Mechanical Engineering and lives in Harlem with his fiancee and two year-old. The guy could quite literally do stand-up, and the fact he had served his country and no doubt seen horror after horror, he amazed me the most. To be honest, it made me put my problems into perspective. Yes, Matt died, but I'm sure Pete lost countless friends over there... and had to make difficult choices on top of that.

Last but not least was Jared. Everyone calls him the boy genius because he skipped two years of school and has actually only just turned eighteen. He's a Mechanical Engineering whizz and a Maths genius, although he is absolutely epic on the football field too.

Then there was Ollie. What can I say to describe Ollie... He's a weirdo, but he's apparently the weirdo that brings the whole group together.

"Oh God, Ollie's slurring," Nate notes as he pulls on his coat.

"Aww nooo, are yyoouuu leaavinggg?" Ollie asks, talking at half the speed he usually does.

"Aw jeez," I mumble under my breath, laughing.

"Someone had better get him home," Tab says, Elise tucked under his arm, yawning.

"I would offer but I did it last time," Nate laughs.

I roll my eyes but can't help but feel a little pissed off that everyone seems to shirk any responsibility. But instead of getting hung up on that, I grab him and support him before he falls on his face.

"I got it. I don't live far away, so he can just stay with me."

Ollie hears and smiles as he burps, breathing it in my face before apologising.

"Right. You're already a pumpkin, Ollie. Let's get going."

Nate hands me mine and Ollie's bags, and helps support him for a moment whilst I secure the bags on my back. I support him outside, waving goodbye to all the others before realising no taxi is going to pick us up with Ollie like this.

"I thought my days of doing this were behind me," I mutter, leaning down to fireman's lift Ollie onto my shoulders, grunting with the effort before I start making my way towards my apartment.

Two things I'm grateful for. One, that Ollie isn't heavy. He's lean, which makes it easier to keep walking compared to when I had to fireman's lift Matt. And second, I'm grateful I only live four blocks from the bar. I can feel myself sweating, as well as every single eye on me as I struggle, but soon, I sigh in relief as I catch sight of my building.

As I climb the steps, Alex, the night guard, sees me and quickly buzzes the door, holding it open for me to get through. I deposit Ollie for a moment, and realise he is conscious... and probably could have walked.

"We were expecting you back a while ago?" Alex jokes with a smile.

I'd told Winston I was only going to be on campus for a few hours, and smile at how the guys on the front desk really do care for everyone in the building.

"Yeah, I got caught up with a game of football. Then a bar."

He smiles. "Who's this?" he asks, pointing to Ollie, who was smacking his lips. He actually looked quite green, so I should get him upstairs pronto.

"This is Ollie. A friend from class. But I think I should get him upstairs. Don't want him to puke all over your floor..."

Ollie backs me up by groaning, leaning forward and holding his stomach.

"Do you need any help getting him upstairs?" Alex asks, hitting the button for the lift.

"It's okay," I say, shaking my head with a smile. "I got it. He just needs to sleep it off I think."

He nods just as the doors open so I limp forward, hitting the button for my floor just as Ollie's head pops up. I get a whiff of his beer breath and it makes me feel a bit green too.

"Dude, you have your own apartment?" he asks, drunkenly flopping his head from side to side to look at himself in each of the mirrored panels. He pokes his tongue out at himself and I can't help but laugh at the resemblance to Matt right now. It's uncanny.

"Yeah, I do. And you better not puke all over it, drunkard," I joke. "Come on," I tell him, putting my weight underneath him again as we make the short walk down the corridor to my door.

Keeping a firm grip, I get the door open and lead him straight to the bathroom. I put him down in front of the toilet and tell him I'm just getting him a glass of water. He nods, but after a few seconds of me leaving the room, he spews. I cringe, hoping it's not all over the floor tiles, but from the sounds of it, he did get it in the toilet bowl. Thankfully Matt was rarely sick, and I had more of a stomach to deal with it than Tessa did, but I hadn't been around it much, so I suppose I'd lost practice.

Pouring him two glasses and myself one, I wander back into the bathroom where I find him leaning his head on the toilet seat.

He got it in, and I cringe again before flushing, making him sit so I could hand him his glass of water.

"You got it all out?" I ask. "Here, take this."

"What is it?" he asks, his voice now laced with tiredness.

"Water. Drink it, it'll make you feel better."

He gratefully takes it, drawing large gulps before taking a deep breath.

"I am so sorry."

I chuckle as he groans and rests his head back on the bath.

"Don't worry about it. I'd rather you were sick here with someone here to look after you than in your room, so all good."

When he'd started stumbling around the bar, looking for either the toilets or a fight, he reminded me too much of Matt to let him fend for himself. I thought it was ridiculous that I was missing his drunken antics, how he used to pick a fight with anyone who even looked at him funny, but I suppose this was just normal college behaviour. From the other's reaction, I got the feeling this was normal Ollie behaviour.

"You need anything else?" I ask as he drops his head onto my shoulder. I quickly tap his cheek to wake him up. "Hey, stay awake. Drink that." I point to his glass and he nods, blinking slowly, clearly just wanting to sleep.

"Can I tell you something?" he says.

"Shoot."

He sighs as he takes one more gulp, spilling some of it down his shirt.

"I'm really sorry about your friend."

I look forward, giving him a small shrug, not knowing what else to say.

"From the way you talk about him... I bet you really miss him."

I nod slowly, swallowing back the lump that's threatening to constrict my throat.

Those guys had been the first people I'd told here, other than Lara. To be honest, I hadn't really told Lara much. I said that he'd died in the accident, but I haven't really told her much else about him. I could talk about stuff with her, but Matt was the only thing I couldn't bring myself to mention. But today, it just... flowed out of me.

After the first couple of questions, the answers just got easier, and the memories got better. It felt good. Better than that, it felt amazing. Talking about him made me realise that these people didn't know him, so I didn't need to bring up the accident. I could tell them about his stupidly long hair, and his inability to dry the dishes without wanting to whip you with a tea towel. I could think of all the good things, remember all the good stuff, and the thought fills me with more happiness than I know what to do with.

I'd already noticed I was smiling more, even after just a couple of hours.

"Thanks," I finally say, patting his shoulder. "You know, you'd have liked him. You're actually a lot like him." I chuckle and he smiles.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I laugh as I remember carrying him home on one too many occasion. "He couldn't hold his liquor either," I say, laughing, then holding my belly as uncontrollable laughter just pours out of me.

He joins in, and for nearly five minutes the two of us try to get a handle on ourselves, only to start laughing again. It's only when we finally calm down does Ollie notice what I'm hearing, and that's his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He takes it out and there's a cross-eyed but beautiful girl on his front screen.

"That'll be the Mrs." He leans his head backwards against the bath, groaning, but after a second, answers the phone. "Hey baby." He sounds overly perky and it makes me laugh.

I gesture to him that I'll give him some privacy and head out to the kitchen to make us some coffee. I smile as I hear him recounting his day, telling a white lie over how many drinks he's had, before I move into the living room, away from his conversation.

I miss having someone to tell about my day. I suppose I have Lara, but now that she's out of hospital and back in Brooklyn, it's hard to find the time. And I do have Millie, but as I'm five hours behind, my day usually finishes when she's sound asleep so we sometimes go days, if not weeks without talking, because we're both so busy.

It's one of those things I never thought I'd miss. Someone checking in, making sure you're sane on a daily basis. Someone who would listen to you, no matter what you had to say. It's what Tessa and I did first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She would come in my room, or I'd come in hers, and we'd have a cuddle and catch up. Whoever's room we were in, they asked the question, and we just lay there, talking, laughing, and it was the best feeling in the world.

Now I don't have it, I forgot how I empty I felt without it. You feel almost hollow, like you know something is permanently missing.

I shake my head and take a gulp of coffee as Ollie's voice travels round the corner.

"Nah, I think I'll stay here, rather than waking you up." He raises his eyebrows at me, as if to ask the question and I nod. "It's a bit far to cross town now," he adds, giving me a thumbs up. "I'll see you tomorrow. Okay. Yeah, I love you. Sleep tight."

He hangs up the phone and slumps on the sofa in front of me. He looks a much more healthy shade of pink now, and as he looks at me, I know I've found a new friend for life.

"She worries," he admits sheepishly.

I shake my head. "You don't have to explain. It's nice that she worries."

He frowns at my answer.

"There's coffee there," I say, pointing, instigating a change in subject.

He gets up and nods gratefully as he takes a sip, sighing. "Lifesaver." He takes one more slurp before sitting back down. "Hey, do you fancy takeout? I'm kind of hungry."

I chuckle.

"On me," he adds, trying to convince me.

Now that I was thinking about it, I could definitely eat. I hadn't eaten since my breakfast bar while I was waiting for him, and as I continue to think some more, my stomach growls at me.

"I'd say that's a yes," Ollie laughs, patting my knee as he stands.

"Alright, sounds good. There's actually a great Chinese place on the corner that's open into the wee hours," I tell him. "We can walk and bring it back. The owner's really nice."

"Awesome. Yeah, sounds good. I could eat my body weight in prawn toast right about now."

I laugh as I pick up my keys.

"And are you sure it's okay if I stay?" he asks. "I know you don't really know me, but I promise I'm normal, I'm clean, and I won't nick anything."

"Clean despite throwing up in my toilet?" I laugh.

"Hey, I could have chosen to puke on your nice white bath mat?" he says with a shrug and I can't help but laugh at his answer. "I don't mind if you don't want me to."

"Hey, no. You can stay. I'm not making you walk back to your dorm this late."

He smiles as his cheeks redden. "Thanks Arch. I really appreciate it. And hey, if you're ever in a bind, you know I'll be there for you too, dude."

I nod. "I do now." I punch his shoulder. "Now let's get food. I'm starving now that you've mentioned food."

"Yes!" he says, patting his pockets. "Oh fuck, I think I left my wallet at the bar."

I roll my eyes but smile wider. "It's okay, I'll get it. You can get the next one, and we'll ring in the morning about your wallet."

I feel like a dad right now, sorting him out, but he doesn't seem to mind as he pats my shoulder and follows me out the door. I press the button to call the lift and we stand in silence for a few seconds before he talks.

"How long have you lived here?" I turn my head and see him looking out the big glass window next to me, looking down at the city.

It's one of my favourite views - the view of Central Park at night - because you can just see the swirls of all the pathways and fountains, and nothing more. They call New York City the City of Lights, and this picture right here is your answer why.

"Year and a half now. It..." I stop when my throat closes, causing me to cough. I swallow it down, closing my eyes as I finish the sentence. "It was my dad's... but he, erm... he doesn't really need it now."

I try to shrug it off but it sounds weird coming out that way.

"Sorry, I don't really like talking about him."

Ollie nods as the doors open, both of us walking in, again neither of us saying anything until the doors close.

"I don't really like talking about my old man either. He used to beat my mum when we were little."

I turn my head towards him and I see that same expression I always wore when I saw my dad shouting at my mum. The expression of a person that knows he should have done more, but couldn't.

"Sorry."

I shake my head, eyes still vaguely wide with shock. "No... don't b-"

"Most people get weird when I say that," he interrupts.

That sentence makes my blood boil.

"They shouldn't. It's life. And not everyone is lucky with the people that are put in this world to protect us," I explain. "I could see it on all of their faces earlier, when I talked about Matt, but I suppose I can tell you now."

"Arch, you don't have to."

I shake my head. "No I want to." I turn to him. "The truth is that my dad beat me. He beat me, constantly, and I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know who to turn to. And then, just when my life was finally turning around, he runs me and Matt off the road, killing him, and almost doing the same to me."

Ollie's eyes widen but his expression doesn't change, letting me continue.

"I lost everything that day, and no one has any idea how much I wished it had been me."

That's it. That truth I had only ever admitted to myself because it was scary to admit I had wanted to die that day. I had no idea why I was admitting it to this boy who I barely knew, but his expression was not one looking at me as if I was crazy. It was one that understood.

"Parents suck, huh."

I let out an unimpressed laugh. "You can definitely say that again. I have one that beat me and then one that abandoned us when it got too much." I shake my head. "You know sometimes I don't understand whether I'm lucky... or unlucky."

He frowns so I continue. I'm talking about it, and I want to get it off my chest before it eats me alive

"On the one hand, I'm lucky right? I didn't die, I still get to be here, and I can live my life the way I choose. No parents, no rules, no people telling me what to do... other than myself."

He nods.

"I have all this?" I add, gesturing to my surroundings. "My dad's in prison, my mum's god knows where, my friends are hurting... And yet I have all this?"

He doesn't say anything.

"But them I'm unlucky, because it is just me. My dad's in prison, my mum is god knows where and I've pushed away all my friends because I'm hurting... and I know that everybody seems think that I've been handed all this, but it's never been easy for me to accept where it all came from."

"Arch, nobody thinks that. And if they do, then they'll have us to answer to. And hey, every kid in this school has some kind of issue." He punches my shoulder before continuing. "Tab's married at eighteen, me and you have daddy issues, Gus has like eight siblings, all from different mums... so don't worry about it, pal. Just be you." He shoves my shoulder playfully with his as he smiles. "We like you."

I smile just as he smacks his own forehead and groans.

"That sounded so super lame, I'm sorry."

"It wasn't lame," I laugh at his own self-depracation but shake my head. "But good to know."

He smiles as I look down at my feet, noticing something black on the floor.

"And hey, it looks like you can pay after all," I say, picking up his wallet and handing it back to him.

"Ahh, thank fuck for that!" he sighs in relief as he kisses it before shoving it in his back pocket.

The doors open to the lobby, and seemingly, just like that, the tension eases in me, and between us. I got something pretty big off my chest. Something that I'd been warring over with myself, and after a quick conversation with an almost-stranger in the lift, I now feel more free than I'd felt in ages, before anything to do with the accident.

"Hey Alex, we're getting Chinese. You want anything?" Ollie asks.

He looks at me and I nod, even though the decision is fully up to him. He smiles as he answers, "A bag of prawn crackers wouldn't go amiss, to be honest."

Ollie pats his shoulder. "You got it."

We head around the corner to the legendary chinese takeout that is Wang's and Wang, the boss greets with his signature kind smile.

"What will it be gentlemen?" he asks, grabbing his serving spoons.

"Every single chicken main on the menu," Ollie says, his voice full of surety.

He looks at me and laughs.

"Oh, and a bag of prawn crackers."

Wang laughs before yelling something at his three co-workers, making them all jump into action in a flurry of movement. "Coming right up."

Ollie and I nod as we take a seat behind us, both of us just staring forward, knowing that all that could be said between us has already been said.

***

AS WE HEAD BACK up to the apartment, I realise today had been a good day, and one that makes me think that I'd finally turned a corner. Not only had I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I had met people that I knew would be friends for life. And as I leave Ollie to his snoring, leaving a bowl underneath him as a precaution in case he is sick, I text Millie as I head to my room.

You'll be proud of me today. I made a friend

And I talked about Matt...

I leave my phone on the table as I pull on my pyjama shorts and throw my t-shirt in the wash basket. My legs are starting to ache from football earlier, but it's a good kind of ache, one that I hope will go away as I keep playing... as long as the boys will have me. I shake my head out of it, heading into my ensuite to brush my teeth, and as I come back in, my phone pings with a reply.

:) and how did you feel? xx

I smile as type two words.

Amazing. Free.

It did feel amazing, and I did feel free. I realised today that there is a lot more to remember than just the accident, and I know Matt deserves more than just to be shut away in the confines of my private memories.

As I lie back in bed, I smile.

Tomorrow is the start of a new day, but I knew it was the start of day where I'm in a world that's finally spinning in the right direction.

It's a world that deserves to know how special my best friend really was. And the thought makes me smile wider than I had in a while...

And it's the best feeling in the world.