TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I'm twenty years old, and no one knows.

Last year I lied to Nelly when she asked, or rather just withheld the truth, not confirming or denying the fact my birthday is in July. This year I'm not sure I'll be as convincing.

Namely because of Jamie.

Right now, I'm staring at him. He's asleep, and as he snores quietly, I still can't believe how I'd got so lucky.

I remember back to reading Archie's letter, and his promise that I would find someone who would give me the world. But Jamie, in the space of a month and a half, that had been exactly what he'd done, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for that. 

Since we met at the beginning of November, we've spent as much time as we could together. We meet for coffee in between classes when we're on campus at the same time, we meet at Black Flag when he's on shift - he works while I study - he comes to the house on weekends and for the last six weeks, we've spent pretty much every night together. And I never want it to end.

I can't get enough of him. Part of me thinks that I need to be careful, that I shouldn't get too attached like I had with Archie, and I don't want to get hurt like I did last time. I hated Archie for planting that seed of doubt in my mind, but I'm grateful to Jamie for proving every day that I'm wrong to give in to my own fears. I'd been stung once, yes, but that didn't mean I would get stung again.

"Hey." A raspy voice pulls me out of my daydream.

As I focus, I realise Jamie's bright blue eyes are open and I smile as I shuffle forward, leaning into him as he stretches.

"Hey," I say back, my voice soft as I nestle my head into the crook of his shoulder, resting my cheek on his chest and stretching my hand across his stomach, searching for his hand.

"Where'd you go?" he asks, dropping a kiss on my forehead. "You looked like you were miles off then," he adds, touching my nose.

I lift my head to look up at him. "My own world," I tell him before leaning up to drop a kiss on his lips.

He smiles as I do so, bringing our intwined hands up so my hands are around his neck and his are on my hips. 

Rolling onto his back in the middle of the bed, he pulls me on top of him so I'm straddling his stomach. He kisses me again as his hands tease the skin at the bottom of my shirt and I gasp as my stomach flips just as the door bursts open.

I dive sideways and duck under the covers, my cheeks reddening at the thought of my housemates catching me doing that.

Jamie chuckles and pulls the duvet from on top of my head and I take in the sight of Nelly, Will, Sophie, Paul, Glen and Ryan all in party hats, party poppers in hand, shouting Happy Birthday.

I knew they'd work it out eventually, but I hadn't realised they'd do this. And now I'm embarrassed for two reasons. One: the way Jamie is looking at me - confused - and two: for the fact they'd caught me basically dry-humping him under the sheets.

Nelly takes in my red cheeks and stands up straight as I hide myself back under the covers. "Guess we should have knocked first, huh?" The others laugh but I could not be more mortified than I am now.

I peek a look up at Jamie again and he's still wearing that same confused look, but his ears are now red. When my gaze drops to where his hands are resting, I'm even more embarrassed. My friends literally have the worst timing, and I can tell Jamie wants them to leave as much as I do.

"How did you know?" I ask, rearranging the covers to help Jamie hide his Morning Glory. He smiles gratefully as he sits up, accepting my decorative pillow to hide it as the others come to sit at the foot of my bed.

"Nelly saw a text on your phone from Millie last week," Ryan explains. "Figured we'd, erm... surprise you." He trails off when he sees Jamie's expression.

I move my gaze and he now looks annoyed, just like I knew he would be. Although I think the annoyance is mostly directed at my friends... I can't help but think some of it is directed at me.

"Happy Birthday?" Sophie suggests with a shrug and I smile.

"Thank you," I tell them all, looking from them and then back to Jamie, who seems to have calmed down slightly.

"Well, shall we see you downstairs?" Will asks, taking the initiative as he backs out slowly, pulling Nelly with him.

"Yeah!" Ryan exclaims. "Cake for breakfast."

I nod a yes, always up for birthday cake for breakfast, and I wave as they exit the room, closing the door behind them.

"Sorry!" Nelly shouts through the door and I feel like shouting 'fuck off' at the top of my lungs I was so embarrassed. Instead, I shrug at Jamie, whose expression is a lot calmer now that my friends have left.

"It's your birthday?" he asks. His voice is soft, not angry, and my shoulders sink in relief.

I put my hands in my lap and look down at my fingers. "Yeah." I hug my knees. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," I mumble before looking up at him through my lashes. "Are you mad?"

He sighs. "I'm not mad. I'm confused... but I'm not mad. We all go home later tomorrow and we would have all bypassed your birthday completely."

I shrug. "I don't mind."

He frowns and I sigh.

"I hate my birthday."

I can tell he's about to ask me why when he remembers what I'd said in the bar six weeks ago, about Matt. I share a birthday with the person I miss most, and I don't want a reminder of the fact that I'm growing another year old when he won't be.

He leans over and kisses the side of my cheek. "Can I at least take you out for dinner to celebrate?" His eyebrows raise as he asks the question. "Tonight?" He then moves his kiss to my earlobe, and he nibbles at it as he slides closer.

I smile as I nod.

His lips suck gently and a shiver shoots up my spine as I close my eyes and bite my lip.

"And a birthday present?" he asks, his voice low and seductive as he shifts slightly and moves his hand from my waist, repositioning us so that he's on top of me, his fingers teasing at the hem of my pyjama bottoms.

"Jamie," I protest halfheartedly, shifting my hips up to meet his, not really wanting him to stop.

He shuffles me down the bed further, so my head is nestling between the pillows. He smiles as he leans up and over me, kissing my forehead, my nose, my lips, my neck, my collar bone before rolling up my shirt and kissing my stomach. My insides are flipping and flying as he shuffles down further, underneath the bedclothes, pulling my knickers and pyjamas down with him as he goes.

His hand reaches up and pops the only button done up on my pyjama top and I shuffle my shirt off my own shoulders as he leans back up over me, pulling his boxers off as his lips press onto mine, making me gasp.

In the six weeks we'd been together, we'd done some things, but so far we'd only made it to either second or third base with clothes on. But now we're moving forward. And I am ready to do that with him. I knew I was.

As I feel something hard at his hip, I gasp when he pulls my hand down to meet him, and as his lips touch mine again, I feel like I can barely breathe. This was the most intimate we'd been in six weeks, and now we were throwing all bases out the window.

Jamie's kiss is soft as he guides his hand up and down him, but after a few seconds his eyes meet mine, asking me that silent question.

Are you sure? His bright eyes burn into mine.

I lean up to kiss him as my answer, nodding as I put my head back down on the pillow, entwining our fingers as he pushes into me.

He holds me as he moves, gentle and tender, kissing my lips, my cheek, my neck as we move together. I kiss the side of his neck as he moves quicker, bringing us both ever-closer to the first milestone that has bound us forever. Within minutes, we're spent, panting as he rests his head on my chest, both of us waiting to speak until we get our breath back.

"Wow," I breathe, first to speak despite still feeling breathless. I felt like I was floating outside of my body I was so happy.

He chuckles as he kisses my stomach and I flinch as my skin is still sensitive. His fingers tickle from my waist, up the middle of my chest and he rests his head on the pillow next to me, his face covered in the most handsome smile I'd ever seen. He then leans up on his elbow and grins.

I quirk an eyebrow, my cheeks blazing under his hot gaze. "Yes?"

He leans down and kisses my neck. "Best birthday present ever?" he asks, mumbling into my ear as he nibbles my other earlobe.

I gasp as he nips at it and I turn around, placing a hand on his cheek to stop him, despite how good it feels. I then lean forward and plant a long, satisfied kiss on his lips. "Best. Birthday. Ever," I answer, dropping a small peck as I say each word.

His answering grin is enough to make me weak at the knees again, and as his hand travels lower again, I don't stop him as he pulls me on top of him.

"Happy birthday," he tells me when I'm sat over him, his hands on my hips. "Happy birthday to the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

Red spreads over his cheeks as I smile and I lean down to kiss him.

"Thank you... most handsome boy I've ever seen."

He grins again, and as we move again, we lose ourselves in each other.

***

"SO..." NELLY SAYS, TAKING a large mouthful of my birthday cake. "Seeing as it took you guys an hour to come downstairs, I'm guessing you weren't in too much trouble?" she jokes.

My cheeks go scarlet as I swat at her, thankful that it was now just us, as Jamie had gone off to work with a promise of a night I wouldn't forget. 

"No. He gave me my birthday present..."

She looks at me and when I raise my eyebrows, she gasps and smiles.

"Okay then! No need to say more."

I giggle but then sigh. "He gets it I think. Well, I hope he does." Nelly nods. "I just don't like celebrating it because I just miss him so much."

She takes my hand and squeezes reassuringly. "I was a little surprised, but that does make sense. But I am glad he wasn't annoyed. He looked like he might be earlier... but then if you... erm... did stuff... he clearly wasn't."

I shake my head.

"Good. Do you know what he's planning for later?"

"Nope. Just a night I won't forget," I repeat his words.

I smile and blush and she laughs. "Okay then. You know..." she starts and I look up at her. "Have I told you how happy I am for you yet?"

"Yes," I say, shoving her with my shoulder. "Like every day."

She giggles as she shoves me back. "Well, I am. You'd been moping around long enough."

"I wasn't moping," I point out, even though that was a lie. "Are you back home tomorrow?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Today," she corrects me and my face falls. I hoped I'd have one more night with her before she left. "Leaving at five, as I have my sister's baby shower to prepare for on Sunday and Mum's said the house is a tip." She sits back down and hands me the banana I hadn't asked for. I accept it but just keep it in my hands. "And seeing as Will has already abandoned me."

"Oh yeah. When did he even leave?" I laugh. "He was there in my room... awkward. And then when we got downstairs he'd gone."

She shrugs, "He had to catch a flight to London to get his connecting flight to Sydney to see his parents."

"Sydney, Australia?"

"Yep!" She makes a face and widens her eyes.

"How did I not know this?"

She shrugs again and laughs. "They're out there because his dad's working I think. But I can't imagine a warm Christmas. I'm so glad we're in Scotland that the snow has stayed."

I wasn't quite so enthused by the snow. It had stuck since the beginning of November it had been so cold, and I'd had to buy a pair of proper hiking boots to stop me from slipping on the ice.

"Are you heading out tomorrow though?" she asks me, taking a large bite of her banana.

I nod, "Yeah, I'm flying down tomorrow evening, after lunch with Jamie's parents."

The thought absolutely terrifies me, but Jamie has assured me they are lovely people, who will love me. I told him we would have to see, but I would try my best.

"Meeting the parents, eh?" she elbows me and I roll my eyes.

He hadn't really told me much about them. To be honest he hadn't told me much about his family at all, but then neither had I. But I did keep thinking to myself that if they were anything like his Uncle Rob then I think I would be okay. Jamie will have it easy with my family. Dad likes everyone who makes his daughter happy, same as Mum, and right now that is exactly what Jamie is doing.

"They're picking him up from Rob's tomorrow."

She nods and I can see a question I know I won't like brewing on her mind.

"Have you told him about..." she starts and I quickly shake my head, not wanting her to finish that sentence.

"I think I'll leave him for a bit later on..."

My fingers automatically find the ring I still wear around my neck and I sigh.

"Do you think I should?"

"He was obviously a huge part of your life?" She shrugs. "But I get why you haven't told him."

That was her way of saying I should.

"He doesn't have to know, if you're sure you've moved..." She trails off when my head snaps up at the insinuation and I can't help it when my eyes narrow at her.

"Maybe it's best to tell him? So he knows all the facts."

She shuffles sideways as I stare at the table.

"You don't have to tell him now... just at some point?" she suggests and I sigh, knowing she's right.

I nod back, although I'm still unsure. I knew I had to tell him at some point, but I didn't feel like now was the right time.

To be honest I just wanted to get Christmas out of the way. Today was the start of the worst time for me. Being my birthday, and then later on with Christmas, it's just a long reminder of what exactly we're all missing. Not to mention, for the first time ever, we're spending Christmas at Mum and Mark's house, because Mum is having an aversion to meat and is quite pregnant, so travelling is hard. I understood that part, but being the first Christmas where I could actually do something other than cry, I wanted to be at home. And with Millie in New York - another last minute plan - I would be all alone.

I sigh again and smile back at Nelly as I take her hand. "You want to get one final drink before you go?" I ask.

Her eyes light up as she smiles back. "Give me five minutes."

***

I'll meet you at Black Flag okay, then we'll go on from there xx

This was the last of the flurry of texts from Jamie. He's told me to dress in what's comfortable, and to pack a change of clothes for tomorrow, so I'm sat in the bar down  the street from our house with Nelly, dressed in a similar outfit I was wearing the night we officially met. Nelly has plaited my hair, same as that night too, and she's done my make-up subtly, only highlighting my eyes.

"You look gorgeous," she tells me, sitting down on the stool next to me. "He is going to be stunned."

She's slurring but I kiss her cheek anyway. One drink had turned into three for her, as it always does, and I was feeling suitably warm for my walk through the snow to Black Flag.

"Do you know where he's taking you?" She asks, taking one more sip of her drink before pushing it away.

I shake my head. "Nope. He's just told me to meet him at Black Flag."

She coos loud enough for a few heads to turn to us and my cheeks blaze. "He's so cute. You should keep him, Tess."

I laugh as I keep my voice low, "That's certainly the plan, Nel." I giggle as she rests her cheek on my arm. "Are your parents on the way?" I didn't want to leave her at the table unattended. For one, her parents must be nearly here, but for a second, Will would kill me.

She checks her phone and nods. "They're outside. Why is your bag so big?" she asks, looking down at the floor.

"I'm going home from Jamie's," I say, despite that not being entirely true.

The truth was that I had no idea what to bring. After this morning, it was clear we were now ready for the next stage in our relationship, so I had packed the skimpiest bra and knickers I could find, hoping he might like that kind of thing. I'd also packed my normal pyjamas, in case I got the wrong end of the stick, and nearly four changes of clothes for tomorrow, so as to impress his parents. I was a nervous wreck and just shoving everything in the bag made me feel a lot more calm having to actually pick an outfit.

"Okay now I have to go," Nelly tells me, pouting as she stands, wrapping me in a tight hug. I hug her back and smile as she walks backwards away from me. "You tell me every detail," she shouts across the bar.

I hide my face after I nod and she points at me.

"GOOD LUCK!" she shouts as she leaves.

When the doors close, I look around and am thankful no one's stares seem to be lingering too much. But I figure I should head off too. It's still nearly twenty minutes to Black Flag from here, and I have a big bag and snow to contend with, so didn't want to be late.

***

Hey I'm 10 mins away xx

I text Jamie as I round the corner to the road that Black Flag is on, just as I feel a cold shiver run down my spine.

It's the kind of cold shiver you get when you can tell something's wrong and that something bad has happened... and I gasp as I remember the last time I'd had that cold shiver run down me.

The day Matt died.

I gasp as I feel someone touch my shoulder and I spin quickly, my bag dropping off my shoulder.

Even though there is no one standing in front of me, I can see a pair of buttery brown eyes all the same. Plain as day, they're there, as if he were standing right in front of me, and I feel like I'd been hit in the chest with a battering ram as I cup my mouth.

"Tess..." His voice pierces through me like a knife.

Why the hell am I seeing him now? Why the hell is he here now, when I've finally been able to find someone who makes me happy.

The pain in my chest is almost unbearable as he repeats my name over and over again, and when he says it a third time, I can't help but answer back.

"Archie?" I whisper

I shake my head and press my hands into my face. "Get out of my head!" I say to myself.

I cannot be thinking of him here. I can't. It wasn't fair. Just when I was about to-

"Tess..." His voice interrupts my thoughts, getting louder, sending a shock up me that almost knocks me backwards if there hadn't been a wall behind me already.

His voice is laced with pain. Pain and suffering, sorrow and... loss? He was hurting, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say he sounded desperate.

"Tessa!"

That shout is louder, much louder, and it reverberates around my head just as hard as it pierces my soul. The sound makes me feel like someone has shoved their fist through my chest and obliterated the badly patched up hole that had been there ever since Archie left. That pain is unbearable; the kind that seems to be making me relive the worst pain imaginable.

The pressure in my chest starts to build as the pain shoots up into my head, and for a moment I think I'm having a stroke or something, because I suddenly see I'm on the floor, surrounded by people looking down at me as I lean up on some kind of stool.

I look down at myself and I see a hand. But it's not my hand. It's busted and deformed, like it's been broken on purpose.

"What..." I ask myself as I feel light-headed.

I'm trying to breathe, but I can't seem to be able to. I rasp and flail as black starts to creep into the edge of my vision as I try to get back to my reality... not this other reality that seemed to be causing me more pain than I had ever wanted to endure.

"Tessa!"

The voice rings around me, like I'd said it, and I close my eyes as I feel myself - my real self - drop to the floor, the cold seeping through my legs as I land in the snow.

"I'm sorry," Archie's voice whispers.

I open my eyes and reach out my hand for him, wanting to feel his fingers on mine.

"I'm here," I tell him, my voice barely a whisper. "I'm here... and I always will be."

It's the last thing I remember before the world goes black. The darkness takes me as my thoughts travel thousands of miles... embracing that one connection I never realised I'd been holding on to.