FOUR MONTHS LATER

ONCE AGAIN, I'VE BEEN feeling sick all morning.

I've been feeling sick for the last few weeks. The kind of sickness that only comes in the morning... or when it's brought on by particular smells.

I told myself it was nerves - the fact I'd finally heard from our old school - but it was definitely getting worse. The interview came and went, and yet the sickness didn't go away.

I didn't want my gut to be right. I didn't want to believe the thoughts in my own head.

Amazing as it was to believe I may be pregnant, no matter how much I wanted this, I still had things I wanted to do before we settled down and started a family.

Jamie and I are getting married in July. After Charlotte and Danny's wedding, we moved ours to the closest date Achnagairn could slot us in for, because I knew my heart. I wanted a couple of years with just us, maybe doing a bit of travelling before the two kids turned up.

I'd always pictured two - twins, maybe - as well as the house with the white picket fence, the large garden out back, and maybe a dog to go with it all. I wasn't a high-achiever like Jamie, just seeing the lightbulb behind a child's eyes when they get what I'm teaching them is dream enough, but I knew I had to think about Jamie's dreams in all of this too. He wanted to start his own company, he wanted to earn his millions before he was thirty. He wants to be able to provide for me, even though I've told him numerous times he doesn't have to.

To be honest, the current dream is to stop feeling so sick all the time.

In fact...

I sit up sharply from bed and dash for our bathroom, holding my mouth shut so nothing comes out before I make it to the loo. I only just make it in time, before I spectacularly splutter last night's amazing dinner into the toilet bowl.

My whole body is wracked with chills as I dry heave twice, wretching, holding my now-empty stomach.

Taking a breath, I sit back, reaching up to grab a towel from the door as the cold sweats form on my skin, trying to keep myself warm.

Please be food poisoning, I tell myself as I lean forward and dry heave again.

I repeat the process about four times before the nausea finally seems to subside.

"Tess?" I hear Jamie call from outside the door.

A minute later, the bathroom door opens, wafting the smell of coffee and breakfast in with it, which turns my stomach again.

Puking once more, I groan as Jamie shuts the door and sits down next to me.

"You okay?"

I have just about enough energy to scowl at him, but he just smiles with a shrug, kissing my clammy skin.

"I just want it to end," I groan, suddenly sitting up as I empty my stomach one more time, holding onto the seat for dear life. "Can you just kill me," I tell him.

He chuckles. "Never."

Leaning back, Jamie hands me a glass of water from the side and I wash my mouth out and spit into the loo before flushing it all down. I repeat the process twice, and I do feel colour slowly coming back to my cheeks as I do so.

Done for the day, it seems, I say to myself.

"Do you think it's something you ate?" Jamie asks, coming back from the bedroom, having grabbed my dressing gown.

He picks me up off the floor and gently sits me down on on the now-closed loo. "You've been puking for days. There can't be anything left in there."

I pull my dressing gown tightly around me and give him a nervous smile.

Somehow, he hadn't made the connection that I was only being sick in the morning. I'd been staying at Dad's the last few weeks, wanting to keep an eye on Dad, and I'd mainly managed to avoid him seeing until three days ago. It's getting harder to hide, especially when it's extremely difficult to keep quiet as you exorcise the entire contents of your stomach.

"Maybe. Whatever it is, I hope it's done with me soon," I shudder. "It's definitely inflicting vengeance."

He kisses the side of my head, but a cold chill runs up me as I suddenly realise what date it is... and how long I hadn't had a period for.

Shit, I am pregnant.

"Babe, can you get me a glass of orange juice?" I ask him. "I think a bit of sugar and energy will do me some good."

He looks at me for a second, but nods, walking away and down the stairs.

As I listen to his disappearing footsteps, I grab my phone and go to the calendar app.

It had been two months since Charlotte's wedding, where we had sex three times, two of which were unprotected. I count them back again and I squeak again as I realise I'd missed two periods since then, when mine always arrive like clockwork.

I can't believe I hadn't noticed.

"Fuck."

Hearing Jamie coming back, I quickly stash my phone under my pillow and rub my temples.

"Here you go. Orange juice, no bits." He sits down next to me as he hands it to me. I take a gulp, and it really does feel good to be able to drink at least one thing that doesn't make me sick.

"Tess, what's going on?"

I hadn't looked him in the eye yet, so I take another gulp and turn. "Nothing. Just trying to work out if it'll be another day in bed, or not."

As sure as the calendar-counting seemed, there was no way I'd tell him I thought I was pregnant, at least not until I was one-hundred percent sure. I have no idea how he'd react either. In these last two months, it's become all the more clear that it will be a bit more than a battle to have the 'children' conversation, let alone tell him that I was having an actual child... with him.

God.

I need to speak to Charlotte.

I need to speak to Charlotte sooner rather than later.

"Tess please. You're acting really weird."

I sigh. "I promise you, it's just a tummy bug. You know how I get."

He looks at me for a second, but then nods. "I suppose. You're just a little bit more off than usual, that's all."

"This one is nasty. Maybe I will book a doctor's appointment, just to be sure?"

My stomach rolls again so I close my eyes and sit still for a moment. When the wave of nausea disappears, I open them again.

"I don't know how much more puking I can stand."

I don't think Jamie buys what I'm saying. He knows me well enough to know when I'm lying, but I didn't have a choice. I wanted to be absolutely certain of the situation before I told him. If I'm the least bit insecure about it, I could  potentially regret a decision he forces me to make for the rest of my life...

"Maybe go back to bed for now? You were up and down all night as well, but rest'll certainly help."

He tucks my hair behind my ear and shuffles closer to me on the bed before dipping his head down, looking me in the eye.

"Do you want me to stay?"

I meet his gaze properly, but hold my nerve, no matter how much I would love if he stayed.

Once again, work takes precedence... not that I can blame him this time. It's Barclays European Finance Conference. I know how much it means to him to be there, not to mention his bosses, and even if I do feel absolutely rotten, I can't ask him to stay.

I can tell from his expression, he's serious about staying if I want him to, but I wouldn't ask him to put his career on the line for what could turn out to be stomach ache...

I shake my head. "I'll be okay. Dad's a doctor, remember," I joke.

He rolls his eyes.

Him leaving for a couple of days would also give me time to come with how I'm going to tell him. I already know that conversation will not be easy, and I really do have no idea how he would react.

He still isn't convinced, though, as he kneels in front of me and takes the hand that isn't holding orange juice.

"Tess, are you absolutely sure?" His blue eyes are searching mine for the true answer. "I can attend it virtually just as easily."

I tip my head to the side. "Jamie, no, I won't ask you to do that. I know how important this conference is for you."

He has a promotion riding on a big meeting happening there, so there was absolutely no way he wasn't going.

"Everything will be fine. I'll get an appointment tomorrow and then I'll call you after," I promise.

He hesitates for a moment, but eventually, he nods. "If something is wrong, you call me, and I'm coming straight home." He leans forward and kisses me. "Promise me."

"Jamie, I promise."

He smiles. "Good. We're getting married in five months, and there's no way I'm letting you go through this alone... whatever this is."

Whatever this is. The way he says it makes a tiny kindle of hope burn in my chest.

"I love you," he tells me.

I smile and cup his cheek. "I love you." I lean forward to peck him on the cheek. "But I think I will go back to bed. Can you tell Dad I'll be down later?"

He frowns again, but leans across to kiss my forehead before helping me get back into bed. He sits next to me for a minute, as I close my eyes, as I slow my breathing to make it seem as I was asleep.

"I'll call you to check on you," he whispers, kissing my forehead lightly before he leaves the room, closing the door so gently, I barely hear it close.

I knew he was going out with George and Gareth today, as I'd already given my apologies given how unwell I was feeling, so I wait until I hear him leave the house and drive off before I fly out of bed and grab my phone again.

Turning on the tap and sitting on the loo, so that Dad doesn't hear anything, I dial Charlotte's number.

"Charlotte speaking," she says in a very business-like tone.

"Char, it's me. I need your help."

Panic rises in me, and for a horrible second, I think vomit is going to rise up with it.

"Tess? What's going on? What's up, Sweetie?"

I get straight to the point. "Are you working today?"

"Erm, y-yeah, I am, but -"

"Can I come in to see you?" I ask, almost pleading. "I need your help."

"My help? Tess, why do you need to come in?"

I look around, nervous, in case Jamie suddenly comes back in, so I lock the door behind me. I drop my head into my hand before I just come out and say it.

"I think I might be pregnant."

Silence ensues on the phone for a second, but I can't help but smile as her trademark squeal rings through loud enough that I had to move the phone away from my ear.

"OH MY GOD!"

She's reacting the way every friend would, with happiness and excitement. I just hoped that Jamie would react the same way.

"Tess, that is SO amazing!"

I sigh. "Yeah, it is... But it's also not."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... he's going to freak."

"How is he going to freak?"

I could feel myself starting to cry. "I can't tell you over the phone. Can I come in? Jamie's already left."

"Tess... I thought you wanted..."

I know why she sounds so confused. She knows I want a baby, how much I want to be a mum, and her confusion only makes the tears spill over onto my cheeks.

I sniff. "I want to be happy, I really do." I take a shuddery breath as I try to rein in my tears. "But I don't know how I feel about this."

I didn't sound like myself. I couldn't recognise my own voice, saying thos things.

"What other symptoms do you have?" she asks me.

I take a breath. "Just sickness. In the morning." I cough out a sob. "Char, please, can I come in?"

"Tess, of course you can. I'll get a scan set up. Or did you just want to talk?"

The scan would be useful. If I was pregnant, it would be great to be able to show Jamie, not matter how far along I am. But then... if I wasn't it would also tell me I was just being paranoid

"Tess?" she jogs.

I sniff and wipe my eyes. "Would it be a hassle?"

"Not at all. Mandy's on today, and she can fit you in."

"Can you come with me?"

"Of course I will. We can talk after, as well." I can hear how she's trying to keep it together for me, and I absolutely love her for it. "I'll get Danny to pick you up, okay. He'll be there in an hour."

I wipe my eyes. "Thank you," I tell her. "Tess, I'm worried. This really doesn't sound like you."

"Don't be. I'll explain when I see you," I explain, hearing footsteps coming up the stairs. "I've got to go, but I'll see you soon."

She sniffs. "Okay. I'll call Danny. Love you, Tess."

"Love you, Char!" I hang up quickly, shut off the shower and jump back into bed just in time for Jamie to come back in the door.

"I thought you went out?" I say sleepily, smiling as I open my eyes.

"I did. I forgot something."

My smile widens as his does.

"This." He leans forward and kisses me soundly.

I softy caress his cheeks, the sweetness in his kiss making my toes curl. If I wasn't feeling so genuinely rubbish, I would have asked him to stay.

He pulls away. "Okay, now I really do need to go."

"Okay. Say hi to your brothers for me."

George and Gareth had been back from Australia for a few weeks, and today was the only day he could make with them, as they fly back whilst Jamie's in Berlin.

"Will Emily be there?" I ask, but he shakes his head.

"Nope, home in Scotland."

I nod. "Have fun, baby."

"I will. I love you," he tells me again, leaning down again to kiss my forehead this time. "Call me if you need me and I'll come straight back, okay."

"I will."

He hugs me again, and I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, pulling myself up so that I'm sitting. After I tell him, if I am pregnant, I don't know if he's ever going to speak me again, let alone hold me like this, so I savour every hug I can get. Behind him, my eyes settle on the picture on my desk, the one of us on the night we got engaged, and a tear escapes, dropping down my cheek and onto his t-shirt.

"I love you," I say softly as he pulls back, and I let him this time. "Have a great time."

He kisses me quickly on my lips before he smiles. He then grabs his boots from the wardrobe and heads out the door, blowing me a kiss as he closes it. Five minutes later, I watch as the car disappears from the driveway and round the corner.

Charlotte had already texted to say Danny was on his way, so I throw on any clothes. I check on Dad, seeing he's asleep on the sofa, smiling as I leave him a note, telling him that I'd gone out and would be back later. I tidy the kitchen a bit, but ten minutes later, I get a text from Danny saying he's outside.

Grabbing my bag, I put my trainers on and head out to Danny's car, struggling with the height of it enough that he has to lean over and open the door for me.

When I get in, his face says it all, and I'm sure Charlotte has filled him in on how worried she is about me. His arm goes around my shoulders immediately, and within seconds, the tears break free and I descend into a sobbing mess.

He holds me for a few minutes, letting me cry, not saying anything, but after a few more, I sniff and pull away.

"Sorry."

I wipe my nose unattractively on my sleeve as I sit back in my seat. He finds a tissue in his pocket, a clean one, and hands it to me. I gratefully accept, wiping my eyes before I blow my nose properly.

"Come on, let's get you to Char."

He sets off, but we don't say much all the way. He probably knows how much is going through my head, so doesn't want to add to it. There's a bit of traffic, but when we get to the hospital, he helps me out and puts his arm around me as he walks me through the corridors with purpose, before finally getting to a nurse's station on the fourth floor. Hitting a few buttons on his phone, Charlotte comes out a minute later, concern written all over her face. So much so, the tears start up again as Danny transfers me from his arms to hers.

"Aww, Tess. Come on, come in here where it's a bit more private." She nods at Danny, who doesn't follow us in, probably knowing this is something I didn't want anyone else to know. "What's happened, what's going on?" She wipes my cheeks, despite the continuation of tears, as I sit up.

"Jamie... doesn't... want..." I sob once more before taking a deep breath. "Jamie... he doesn't want children."

My eyes are blurry through the tears, but even through the smudged blur I can see that Charlotte's expression go from  from confused to angry. I'd only ever told Millie about this before, when we'd had our argument in second year, because I didn't want anyone to feel differently about him because of it. But I know exactly what Charlotte is thinking before she says it.

We're engaged. We're getting married, and we're getting closer to that age where we want to settle down and start a family. We're supposed to be on the same page as each other with this, but we couldn't be more different.

What scared me most was that, if I turned around tomorrow and told Jamie I was pregnant, he would leave. He would leave, and it would be my fault. I knew he wouldn't stick around, or support me through it. He would leave, and he would never come back.

"What am I going to do?" I cry.

Charlotte hugs me.

"Well, we're going to take it a step at a time." She hugs tighter as I nod into her shoulder. "And it'll be okay. You never know, he might surprise you?" She suggests, not sounding sure at all.

Hearing me so upset about this has soured Charlotte's opinion of Jamie, and I can't hide how knowing he wouldn't react the way any girl would dream hurts. Having known me for so long, she knows how family-orientated I am, and she knows I've been giving up a lot to make way for Jamie's dreams.

"I'm so sorry, Char."

Fresh tears start down my cheeks as I realise how insensitive I'm being. Knowing Charlotte and Danny are trying for a family, I'm here freaking out.

She hugs me close again as she walks be down the corridor. "Tess, you have nothing to be sorry for. If Jamie is anything less than happy about this, then he's the one who will be sorry."

She has fire in her eyes and I know she means it. She really would hunt Jamie to the ends of the earth.

Now that I'm here, about to confirm any small suspicion I have, I start to think with surety about what comes next. Sure, it's not exactly what either of planned - especially this quickly, before we're even married - but that doesn't take away how special this is for us.

Maybe Charlotte was right. Maybe I am overreacting about how he would react, and he would be happy for me? He loves me, and I love him, and why wouldn't he be ready to start a family with me when we'd already promised each other forever.

"Let's go get this scan," she hugs me, pulling me down a corridor leading to gynaecology. "I bet you are," she smiles, squeezing me. "You are glowing, Tess."

I did feel different. Yes, the sickness was the main one, but now that I was paying attention, there were definitely signs.

"What time is the appointment?"

"She said to just come in when you get here," she tells me as we come to a stop outside a door. "So, are you ready to find out?"

I take a deep breath, feeling like I was looking up at a giant doorway, about to make a decision that would affect my entire life from here on out. Who am I kidding, of course I was. A child is life-changing.

I smile, turning to her. "Can you come in with me?"

She takes my hand and squeezes me to her. "I am with you every step of the way, Tess."

I wrap my arms around her too, before gripping her hand, using my other to knock on the door.

A voice from inside beckons us to enter, so I open the door, and I feel like I'm going to be sick all over again.