AS MILLIE AND I come in through the door of our new home, the exhaustion suddenly hits me.

Yesterday was a tiring day. The ceremony was beautiful, and the party was stupendous, but the rest of it was emotionally exhausting.

To look at Tessa all day in that stunning red dress, to have her on my arm as we walked down the aisle, and to have her so close when we were standing in that cloakroom... God.

I've never been so close to breaking.

But then to hear her say how Jamie had put her back together, hear her say that she loves him... I felt that more than I'd felt Jamie's fists. In fact, I would have preferred them.

And Jamie.

I have no idea if she called him, or if he just turned up anyway, but he was there... and what was worse is that he apologised, thanking me for what I had done for Tessa. I admit, I saw a slither of panic cross her features too when he talked about New York, but given he hadn't murdered me, I figure that meant she hadn't told him about what really happened between us. However, hearing him thank me, and seeing the look on her face as he did so, I knew she had been telling the truth in that cloakroom. I knew she'd made her choice.I told myself I'd believe her, no matter how she said it, when we were in the cloakroom, just the two of us alone. But her expression said it all.

I no longer had her heart, he did. I was just a memory, a part of her past that she had finally been able to let go of.

The fact she is happy is the only comfort for me now. I meant what I said to him, I meant every word, and I hope he realises just how goddamn lucky he is to have that amazing woman in his life. He had to hold on to her, look after her, cherish her, because she is a Phoenix. She's risen from the ashes of a broken life, a life full of so much pain that a mere mortal wouldn't have been able to come back from it. But not Tessa. She is now shining brighter than the sun, and I would endure this, knowing that she finally has that happiness she truly deserves.

"You okay?" I feel a hand on my shoulder and look at my sister.

The look in her eyes makes me one-hundred times worse than I have ever felt. The pity and the sadness in them...

"Fine." It's all I can manage before I get up and walk away from her, up to the makeshift room I have upstairs, collapsing on my bed, curling into a ball as I let the tears come.

***

FOR THE NEXT TWO days, I don't come out.

I don't say or talk to anybody, I simply lie and at stare up at the ceiling. No one comes to check on me because they know I'm processing what's happened. I'm processing this piece of monumental loss, as that horrible hole opens up in my chest once more, as the understanding of losing someone so special finally takes hold.

Whenever I close my eyes, she's there. Her green eyes, her blazing smile, her beautiful, long, flowing blonde hair. I'm never going to be able to see her again. I'm never going to be able to hold her in my arms the same way. I'm never going to be able to see that mood-lifting smile ever again. I'm never going to be able to talk to her and it makes me feel like I'm completely alone again.

That blackness I felt when I got to New York is starting to creep in again. I can feel myself wanting to shut everyone out and run away, just like I had four years ago.

I could do it. I could run. It would be the easier thing to do, just run and never look back, but then I tried that once before, and it didn't work out very well in the long run. The distance didn't help, in fact it made it worse, and I wasn't about to go ten steps backwards. That meant the best thing for me to do now was to just accept what's happened, put my best foot forward and move on.

I snort to myself. "Move on. Ha."

But then I knew it was the only thing I could do.

I'd asked her, point blank, to tell me if she was happy, knowing full well the answer I was going to get. I knew from the get-go that I would be disappointed, so I really did need to move on, and if I was going to do that, I had to put Tessa behind me, just like she had done to me.

With a sigh, I finally sit up. In the two days I'd been here, I had managed to at least change into a pair of tracksuit bottoms, but as I look down at myself, I realise I'm still in my shirt from the wedding. I slink forward and find my bag, pulling out a clean t-shirt, not even bothering to check my hair before I head out into the corridor.

I hear voices coming from the kitchen, and as I get closer, I hear Danny's unmistakable voice.

Smiling, genuinely happy to see him, I put on my best face and head down the stairs, finding them poring over the newest plans for the coach house kitchens.

"The shell is there now," Danny explains. "So, all we need now is for you guys to pick what appliances you want, and we'll do the rest."

I come round the corner and he smiles.

"Dude, aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?" I ask.

He laughs at me. "I'll go on my honeymoon when you have a shower dude," he jokes, wafting his hand.

He had a point. I haven't showered for three days, and I know I look like crap, but seeing him and Millie has brightened my day already. I tip my head, agreeing, and he slaps a hand on my shoulder.

"So you know that whatever she wants she's getting, right?" I say to Danny.

"Oh, I know. She's already given me her list," he chuckles.

Millie rolls her eyes. "Arch, do you want some breakfast? Danny, you staying?"

"I should probably get back soon, but I can stay for some of your famous coffee."

"Okay. I'll leave you guys to talk then, shall I?"

Danny gives me a look and I nod just as Millie disappears around the corner to our makeshift kitchen.

He turns to me and looks me up and down. "Dude, you look like utter crap."

I scoff, pulling out one of the stools after he does. "Cheers. As if need reminding."

"You know what I mean. Please don't tell me this is about Tessa?"

Isn't it always, I want to tell him. I open my mouth to respond, but then I shut it again.

When he gives me a look, I finally come up with something bland. "I'm just dealing with a few things."

I sigh and drop my head into my hands quickly before picking it back up.

"It's okay, you can tell me." He puts a hand on my shoulder.

I sigh again and look down, swallowing the lump that was growing in my throat. "I don't want to say it is, but it might be. I don't think I was quite ready to hear those words, even though it's exactly what I told her to tell me."

Leaning down further on my seat, I drop my head into my hands as I only just manage to catch the sob that escapes. He squeezes my shoulder again and I take a deep breath.

"I can't believe I've lost her, Danny." This time I can't catch the sob. "She's gone. She's gone, and I can't get her back."

He nudges me and clears his throat, and I realise I'm probably making him uncomfortable. "Hey, come on, she's not gone. She's still here. I know it'll be hard, but trust me when I say that you'll be okay."

I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but I don't really want to hear it. She's gone, and me saying it out loud actually helps me come to terms with it.

"How am I going to find anyone who measures up, Danny?" I ask. "There isn't anybody. And after what happened between us in New York, I just-"

"What?" Danny cuts me off.

I smack a hand over my mouth as I realise what I'd just said.

"Wait, what happened in New York? When?"

I look over my shoulder to make sure that Millie can't hear before leaning close to him. "Please don't tell anyone this. I don't want anybody else finding out."

I shake my head as I check over my shoulder one more time.

"I won't, you know that. But Arch, if something happened..."

I take a deep breath and lean a little closer to him. "We... We slept together." It comes out as a rushed whisper and Danny's eyebrows shoot twenty feet into the air. "I... We didn't mean for it to happen, but it just... did."

I cannot believe I'm about to admit this, even to Danny.

"Please know that this is entirely my fault. Tessa isn't to blame here. It was me."

Danny frowns in response, but lets me continue.

"It was the first night you all got there," I start, "and the morning after," I add, swallowing, trying to read Danny's expression. "Then, after you guys left, we went to the basketball game, and something else... happened."

My whole body goes cold as he gets an odd look on his face.

"Arch, why didn't you say anything?"

"How could I?" I throw my hands up and slap them back down onto my thighs.

"You could have told me. I would I have helped you." He flicks the side of my ear gently and I flinch away. "What is it with you working things out by yourself?" he says, half-smiling.

"This isn't something I could have told you. It's Tessa. It's Tessa and Jamie, and I didn't want it to affect her future with him. If people knew what we did, they'd think..." I couldn't bring myself to finish that sentence.

"They wouldn't think anything. Arch, the amount of stuff going on between the two of you, I'm not surprised something happened." He sighs. "The tension in the car alone was unbearable. Why do you think Char was asking so many bloody questions?" he laughs.

"What?" I ask, shocked, laughing with him. "I thought you'd be mad at me."

"Not quite. I mean, it was stupid," he chuckles, nudging my shoulder. "But how could we ever be mad. It's you and Tessa. If anything, and this is going to sound so weird, given it's the opposite of what anyone should do, but I feel like you guys needed it."

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe the words had come out of his mouth.He'd hit the nail squarely on the head, and it's what Tessa had said to me that night. It's what I knew deep in my heart.

"The tension between you two has always been ridiculous, and when she told Jamie not to come to the wedding, oh my god." My eyebrows shoot up. "We thought it was finally happening."

"Thought what was finally happening?"

He shakes his head. "Never mind about that."

"No, Danny tell me."

He looks around, same as I did, before getting up, pacing in front of me. After a few paces, I ask him again, and he sits down on the stool.

"Okay. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm not one-hundred percent about Jamie. I haven't been since the beginning."

Danny has the uncanny ability to get a good read of people, and if he's saying this, some serious red flags must have been thrown up.

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. It's just stuff I've heard from Char, and I'm a bit worried to be honest. I know Tessa knows her own mind, but I'm worried she's making a mistake here."

My stomach drops. Something was wrong. If Danny is telling me, then something is wrong.

"Danny, tell me everything."

He sighs again, turning in his seat to face me this time.

"She calls Char up all the time in tears, and her and Jamie have had arguments at ours before. They had a huge blow-out a year ago when we all started talking about kids."

Tessa had said from the beginning that she wanted children. My heart drops as Danny confirms the worst.

"Jamie doesn't want kids at all, and he absolutely blew his top at her. Honestly, I was close to decking him, he was being so rude."

"Christ. Was Tessa okay?"

He shrugs. "She was, yeah. She gave as good as he did, but I could tell she was rattled. When they left, they were both quiet, and I know Char told her to stay, to let him cool off."

My whole body had gone cold.

"He shuts her down about it all the time, and then when he suddenly moved to Canary Wharf and blindsided her with a move-in proposal in front of everybody at the cake-tasting... I don't know, Arch. And with the wedding now being pushed up so quickly... I'm worried."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. "What can I do?"

He sighs, shaking his head. "There's nothing we can do. It sounds fucking awful, but I was hoping talking to you would help, but it seems she's made her decision." He shakes his head. "All we can do is be there for her, and just hope we're all wrong about him."

I explode off the chair and run my fingers roughly through my hair. "Danny, you can't expect me just to sit here now after hearing all of that. Why didn't anyone tell me that?" I ask, now hugely pissed off at everyone keeping this from me.

"You know why, Arch. You would have gone in all guns blazing, and I didn't want to hurt Tessa any more than she's already been hurt."

I stop, realising he's right. I didn't want her getting hurt either, especially as the last time Jamie and I got into an argument, she got caught in the crossfire, literally.

"God." I sit back down and drop my head into my hands. "Danny, why the fuck did I even leave in the first place?"

He just shrugs. "Only you can answer tha onet. But I do understand why."

I look up at him, watching him as he replies. "No one is built to withstand that kind of trauma, and... I know I'd be just as broken if it was me, more so probably."

I forget that Matt was as much Danny's friend as he was mine, and it can't have been easy for him to lose two friends in the space of a few months.

"I just... I didn't know what to do, or how to help. I wanted to call you, or to go round or something, but then I also didn't want to overwhelm you."

I shake my head. "I wasn't great. Honestly, I don't think I would have listened to you even if you had. I've only just really started accepting what happened wasn't my fault, like, in the last few months or so."

He nods, sighing again.

"I've never been through anything like that. I'm sorry to say it again, but you've gone through so much, what with your dad, your mum leaving, and then when things were so great for you and Tess."

He doesn't need to say it.

"Nothing I could have said would have helped, I knew that, so I just kept my mouth shut. I hoped you just knew that we were here for you, no matter what."

I smile at him. "I did know that. It took me a while to remember, but I knew."

It's quiet between us for a few minutes, but the only thing on my mind now is Tessa, and making sure she's okay.

"Danny, what do we do?"

He sighs again as he hears Millie coming back around the corner. "Just be here. Do what you'd usually do. Be there for her, be a friend."

He claps a hand on my shoulder and his face goes serious.

"But, Arch, for the love of god, you'd better not go anywhere. I saw that look as you turned the corner, and I know you're contemplating heading back to New York." He shakes his head. "Don't you dare do that."

I half laugh at how he just knows, but I don't say anything, not confirming or denying.

"You have so many people here, Arch. So many people that are behind you."

I shake my head just as Millie rounds the corner, smiling as I reassure him, "I'm not going anywhere." That was a fact, especially after what he's just told me.

"Where aren't you going?" Millie asks.

I look at Danny and smile. "Anywhere," I say. "I was just saying to Danny that I'm not going anywhere."

She looks at me strangely, but I smile. "Why would you go anywhere?" Her expression drops as she starts to panic, but instead, I pull her into a hug, a tight, reassuring hug.

"I told you." I look up at Danny behind her and smile wider, repeating what I'd just said. "I'm not going anywhere."

Millie squeezes me around my middle. "Well, there is one place you can go," she says as she pulls away from me.

"Oh yeah?" I look at her with a big grin, knowing exactly what she's about to say.

"Shower." She giggles. "You really stink, Arch."

I can't help but laugh as I sit back down, shaking my head. "Okay okay. After this tea, I promise."

"Good. Now, Danny," she says, turning to him. "When exactly are you going on your honeymoon?"

Danny scratches the back of his neck. "We, erm, we haven't really booked anything yet. We were waiting for free time to open up, and nothing has yet."

Millie and I look at each other and smile. "Well, it's time you did take a break. For as long as you want. God knows you've been working overtime for us."

She puts up a finger and bounces over to her bag in the corner, pulling out the envelope we'd got sorted a couple of days before the wedding. After handing it to him, she tucks herself under my arm and we both grin at him.

"Guys, what is this?" He turns the envelope over twice before he opens it, his eyes widening as he sees what's inside.

"It's an all-expenses paid trip around the world!" Millie squeals.

Danny's jaw drops. "Wha-" His hands start to shake. "What?!"

"Yup. It's an open ticket, on the jet, and it's yours whenever you want to go and for however long you need it for," I add. "It's the least we could do. You guys are so important to us both, and we couldn't think anyone could be more deserving."

Danny looks as though he's about to cry, but he manages to hold it in as he pushes up from the stool to hug us both.

"Char is going to freak!" He says when he's sat back down, looking at the ticket.

"There's a tentative travel itinerary in there. All you guys have to do is decide how long you're spending in each place and let the travel company know."

"What about this place?" He asks after flipping through the pages.

"What about it? This place is fine. The stuff can all be ordered and installed by your guys, so you don't have to worry about a thing."

He shakes his head and smiles at us both. "You guys are something else, you know that."

"You're worth it, buddy."

Although I haven't forgotten the conversation, Danny and I don't mention anything to Millie. We talk whilst Danny finishes his tea, and I wave him off as he dashes out the door to tell Charlotte the good news.

As I watch him drive off down the driveway, Millie comes up next to me.

"Archie?" Millie says quietly, still looking at Danny's car.

"Yeah?" I look down at her.

"You're not leaving again, are you?"

I shake my head. "I admit, I did think about it, but no. I'm not going anywhere." I pull her into me and drop a kiss her head. "I made a promise, and I'm keeping it. I'm here to stay."

She leans her head into my shoulder and wraps her arms around my middle again. "Good. Just checking," she says before smiling up at me. "Just checking." She pulls away and wafts a hand in front of her face. "Now Arch, can you please go and have a shower, because you really do stink."

I chuckle. "Alright, alright. But only if you promise you're making dumplings for dinner."

"Yes, I promise! Now go, before my nose dies of the stench!" She giggles pushing me back on the door and up towards our only working bathroom.

As I head up the stairs, I realise so many things have gone through my head in the last two hours alone.

I went from wanting to run away from everything, to never wanting to leave, with every emotion in between. Finding out that Jamie wasn't trusted by more than my own gut meant that I had to stay, in case Tessa needs me. If it meant I was only Tessa's friend for the rest of my life, then so be it, but I would be here for her, no matter what.

Now and forever, I would always be here for her. Always.