James

I never had imagined back all those years ago that I'd ever be able to meet someone that would totally turn my life upside down and then flip it in the right direction all over again.

I kind of had figured from the start when I was alone and uploading videos unto YouTube and then received a contract, that that is how things would always be. I'd create and write my albums alone and then I'd even go on tour all by myself. I didn't even consider that things could be different. That's how things were until one day I stumbled upon Bradley Will Simpson on YouTube, uploading covers and a song he wrote himself entitled 'Loaded Gun.'

Obviously I'm sure you've heard the basics of the story. How I contacted him on Facebook, how we became a band called 'The Vamps' along with bassist Connor Ball and drummer Tristan Evans, and how we slowly gained fame across the world. But that's not what I really even want to talk about. Jadley is and always will be more important to me. Jadley is the pairing name for Bradley and I as a couple. And if you haven't figured out by now we were one.

I guess the reason I've even started talking about what once was is because I was digging through all my belongings from back when the band existed. I found suspenders that I'd stolen off Bradley a couple years into the band and proceeded to wear them while I was shirtless for a selfie I'd later posted on Instagram. I found loads of pictures from photo shoots our photographer at the time Dean Sherwood had taken and loads of silly Polaroids that Bradley and I were taking behind the scenes when we were still keeping our relationship totally under wraps.

Things like Polaroids and silly things like those suspenders always seem to draw up the biggest memories for me. I guess it makes me really sad because I never see Bradley anymore, since he doesn't exist anymore, but the memories is all I've got. So I need to cherish them.

I flipped over a Polaroid in my fingers, seeing handwritten in his familiar scrawl on the back March, 2020. That was the month and year that we became something more than just friends and I'd remember that day we took that Polaroid like the back of my hand.

"Come on mate, we have a show in ten minutes and I need you to get out here and run the solo one more time during 'She Was The One.' It's not feeling right tonight." Tristan spoke up clearly from outside the dressing room in which I'd been furiously running my fingers through my hair trying to get it down into place.

Tonight was just not my night. Nothing was going correctly. Tristan missed a couple cues during practice this morning, Connor was off his rocker because his girlfriend broke up with him last night, and Bradley well...I didn't know what was going on with him. I hadn't seen him the entire day and I figured there had to be something wrong with my curly-headed bandmate.

"Hang on!" I called out. With another sigh escaping my lips I just sprayed my hair good and down with hairspray in the hope it'd actually stay down enough during the performance. I then quickly opened the door so I could quick run out and practice my guitar solo, but it wasn't Tristan standing there and waiting for me, it was Bradley.

"Jems." Bradley grinned at me, pulling me into his slightly smaller arms, causing me to wrap my arms around his waist and hug him just as tightly. "I knew I could get Tristan to get you out of that miserable dressing room of yours. What were you doing? Sit-ups again?" He poked and prodded gently at my arms with a chuckle, causing me to shake my head as he continued. "Sorry to stress you out, but that guitar solo is actually spot-on, and we actually have more like half an hour before the show. I just wanted to speak to you in private."

I nodded my head reluctantly, still feeling completely confused as to where Bradley was going with this. I'm glad there's nothing wrong with him after all? And that we still have more time and my guitar solo is alright but I still don't understand what's the point of rushing me. I mean Bradley could've just came into my dressing room and started pounding on the door. I think I would've gathered the same message without the delay.

My wrist was being tugged back to the dressing room and I followed Bradley inside as he shut the door and sat himself down on the chair in which I was earlier messing with my hair on. He spun the chair around so he was facing me directly and looked up to meet my blue eyes with his soft brown ones.

"So first of all you're going to think I'm crazy," he chuckled out softly before running a hand through his curls in apparent nerves, "but I want to take a Polaroid with you. Before I speak to you about everything and then I'm going to want to continue to for years to come with important memories we experience together."

I nodded my head, still feeling confused and walked over to Bradley as he grabbed up his camera and faced it at the two of us. I moved behind him and I nudged my nose within the base of his neck as I glanced up at the camera and smiled happily. He snapped the picture and took it out to dry before he set it down and faced me directly.

He took my face in his hands and met my eyes. "James," he spoke quietly, nudging his nose on my own softly. "I am actually so crazy about you, you have no idea and I know you probably don't feel the same about me, but I just needed to let you know and..." I shut up his rambling by pressing my lips softly to his.

As we kissed he stood up from the chair to get closer to me and better access and in order to deepen it, he jumped up and slung his legs around my waist and arms gently around my neck as we continued to kiss a bit deeper.

The good moment would only last a few more seconds however because pushing right through the door was our manager Joe. He cleared his throat loudly which caused me to blush and Bradley to slowly lower himself back down to the ground. I didn't meet Brad's eyes again before I looked up at Joe again.

"Get outside for your show," he spoke with red cheeks as well and shook his head at the pair of us. "Oh and Bradley fix your hair." He motioned to the curly-headed boy, causing me to finally look over at him and notice that his cheeks were all flushed out and he was moving his curls down so you couldn't tell where I'd been lightly tugging.

He nodded at the two of us, walking out the door.

I think our first experience was why Joe and I could never meet each other's eyes again after that day. Granted that wasn't the only time he'd walked in on us doing funny business even though I wish it would've been. Maybe it would've saved me some of my dignity.

I laughed quietly to myself after I considered that memory, flipping to the next Polaroid. It was of Bradley and I, arms wrapped tightly around each other as we stood directly on the boat dock. We'd been vacationing apart from the band back in Australia since we adored the place so much.

The two of us had just been talking quietly in our own little world before Bradley snapped the Polaroid picture. He then set the camera down and the two of us dived together into the warm Australian seas.

The current from the ocean that day was honestly so weak which was probably a good thing since I could hardly concentrate on swimming when I was faced with the little beauty, baby-faced, brown-eyed and curly-haired Angel that he always was back then.

He pulled his curls out of his eyes with his fingers, popping out from under the clear blue water to grin at me. He slung his arms gently around my neck before slowly and sweetly pressing our lips together for a few moments. It appeared like he wanted to take things further since it was getting heated, but then he pulled back and with a wink, swam off a bit further away from me.

That's one thing I'd always deeply admired about Bradley. He was always a tease, but always so innocent about it that no wonder I'd loved him so deeply. He could always make you grin and feel butterflies inside just from saying the silliest yet charming remarks.

If I remember correctly the first thing he ever did when we met up in person was him being cheeky and teasing me about something that I should've been offended by but somehow couldn't take it to heart because it was just him. He just had the wit about him that you couldn't take anything badly.

I'd chased him throughout the ocean and it wasn't long until we had both tired out and found ourselves back on the boat. We shared a dry towel and conserved some body heat as we cuddled into one another and laid back on a chair.

The rest of that afternoon didn't consist of much activities, but we managed to be happy just laying there in the bright sun and cuddling up to one another.

It probably wasn't our brightest idea however since we'd both fallen asleep and woke up to patchy red sunburns. Quite painful but I wouldn't have minded doing it again if I still got to spend some time with my Bradley.

The next photo I took out was of the pair of us, lying in bed, just a sheet covering the both of our waists. We had been nuzzled up in each other's space and it was right after the first time we ever made love to one another.

The first time we made love, was also the first time we admitted to each other that we were completely head over heels in love with one another. I remember the details so vividly, but honestly I don't even really want to think about them because I guarantee you if I do I will just burst out into tears.

Everything was always so so so incredibly perfect at that time and I didn't think anything in the world could change the perfect little bubble that we'd been living under for nearly a year.

In fact things continued to stay great for years. Until everything changed, which I'm almost positive is documented here in a photo a bit further down the line.

The next photo I found was of our entire band. Normally I wouldn't say that it's of the utmost importance because it's a band photo and we've had tons of those. But that was the last day Bradley and I were totally happy. But honestly was he always happy the whole time? He put on a face like he was always happy to be around me, but honestly I'm not sure, certain things have made me doubt how much I ever knew him at all.

The crowd roared in happiness as Bradley belted out the final notes to 'Somebody to You' and Connor let his bass ring out the final note. The boys and I ran up to each other and hugged as tight as we possibly could, feeling so happy that we made it to the end of yet another tour.

We all proceeded to walk arm and arm backstage and the other boys were all incessant mumbling when I slung up my guitar and Brad spoke loudly and clear to us. "So I'm glad that we've made it this far to the end of the tour because I wasn't one hundred percent sure I'd be able to finish it out."

Bradley placed his hand gently on the nape of his neck and rubbed soothing circles down the side of it. A deep frown made its way across my lips as tears filled up his eyes and he looked down at the ground.

I wrapped my arms around my boyfriend and continued to frown deeply as I rubbed his back and waited for him to tell me what's wrong.

"What do you mean Brad?" Connor spoke up, wrapping a towel around his sweaty shoulders and faced the pair of us directly. "We will have other tours you know. This won't be the last one. In fact I believe I heard Joe talking about finally getting to do a U.S. Tour next fall."

Brad shook his head, wiping the water out from under his eyes before he glanced up at Connor and motioned Tristan over as well to which he also wore a frown like it was there forever.

"You guys might. But I won't. Guys...I was at the doctors, because you know how I'd been having issues with my voice lately? Well they did MRIs and other tests and such to figure out what was wrong since it wasn't that obvious, but I have throat cancer." Brad bit down on the edge of his bottom lip, looking down at his feet.

I didn't even react for about five minutes because I was just staring at him in shock.

There is absolutely no way. No, no, no!! I won't bloody believe it! He's been so healthy his entire life and that can't be wrapped away by something so stupid! I mean no! He's so perfect and what are the fans going to think? I know I have to be strong for him and for them. But I just...I don't know if I can.

The last Polaroid I dug out of the stack made tears instantly form on the edges of my vision. It was the two of us standing there and he looked so so weak. He was gripping my arm for support and I'd say about half of his curls had fallen out of his head. I just wiped tears from my eyes from looking at it and sniffled, setting the photo on the ground before I started heavily crying.

"Baby." Bradley emitted a sigh, resting his head on my shoulder as he weakly slung his arms around my waist. "I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I think the cancer has gotten the best of me because these days I can hardly speak let alone do anything else since I'm so weak."

He was constantly fighting down upon himself and it always made me incredibly sad. I knew that Bradley was such a strong man and I knew he could beat the cancer if he didn't let it get to him. But seriously who would've ever thought that throat cancer would be the thing to end everything?

Brad took a photo, forcing a smile upon his face as he looked into the lenses. I had to force one on my face as well. I needed to be strong against the inevitable.

His beautiful voice thrown to the devil from a stupid disease that has taken so many before him and continues to take so many after him. The stupid disease that destroyed my heart and took everything I've ever loved away from me.

That damn disease took him away a few months later. We never did take any more Polaroids after that because he was far too ashamed of himself to take pictures that I'd look at years in the future. He was always so beautiful though and I wish I could've gotten to take a photo of him everyday that we were together.

The memories are so precious now and I wish it could be more than just flashbacks. I don't know how I can keep being strong like this... Maybe I can't.

I love you so much, Bradley Will Simpson.

I always have and always will. No matter what. I'll see you soon.