Nang nagkamalay ako, narinig ko ang tunog ng cardiac monitor na panay ang pag-beep. Agaran kong binuksan mga mata ko at napaupo ako ng maayos habang pinagmasda ang paligid ko. Malakas ang ulan at kumukulog pa.

Nasa malakaing silid ako na kulay puti ang mga pader. Nakapatay ang karamihan ng ilaw at may mga kulay blue-gray na privacy curtains. Nang mapagtanto ko kung nasaan ako, nakahinga ako ng maluwag na hindi ako ang nakahiga sa hospital bed. Ngunit di nagtagal, nakaramdam ako ng matinding kaba nang makita kong walang tao sa kama na kinaharap ko sa recovery room.

Napatayo ako at pinagmasdan ang silid ngunit walang kakaiba dito. Ang mga nurse ay nasa station, may mga doktor na kinakamusta mga pasyente nila. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay ko: wala naman akong swero at wala nga rin akong kahit anong sugat o dressing. Hindi ako nasaktan.

Dumiretso ako sa mga operating room para mangusyoso. May isa pang operasyon na nagaganap. Sinuot ko ang surgical mask ko para sumilip sana sa loob nang may lumabas na nurse.

"Hi doc, bakit po kayo nandito?" Aniya.

"Anong kaso to at sinong surgeon?"

"Si Dr. Valle. Bente-otso anyos na bumangga sa truck. Dumugo ang utak," payak nyang sagot at saka naglakad na palayo.

Hindi iyon ang pasyente ko. Nagbihis na ako ang lumabas ng OR. Hindi ko sigurado kung sino ang hinahanpa ko, kung tama bang may hanapin ako. Pilit kong inalala kung pano ako nakarating sa ospital matapos ang putukan sa korte nang bumangga ako sa isang tao.

"Grace! What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to escape?"

"Shhh! Of course not!" mabilis nyang sagot, habang nagtitingin sa corridor kung may ibang tao ba. Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay at umamin din siya. "Well, yes. I have to get out of here. I just told everyone about Collin, now he's going to kill me for sure."

"Pero kakalabas mo lang galing surgery!"

"It was a flesh wound, see?" hinila nya ang gown pababa para ipakita sa akin ang putting dressing sa may balagat nya.

"Alam mo, sa suot mong iyan, sa recovery room ka lang dapat pumunta," ani ko. Ang tanging suot nya ay ang puting hospital gown na may pangalan at logo ng ospital sa dibdib. Kahit mahigpit ang magkatali nito sa likuran, nakikita ko pa rin ang katawan nya sa tuwing kumikilos sya. Naka yapak lang rin sya. Gayun pa man, maayos na naka ponytail ang buhok niya at mukhang may konting make up pa sya. Nagmukha tuloy siyang bagong gising galing sa beauty sleep. Kung tutuusin, mas mukhang tao pa sya kaysa sa akin.

Only a supermodel can look this good after nearly dying! I stared at her in envy.

"Yes, pero mas gustuhin ko nang sa ibang lugar na ako magbihis. Anywhere but here," malakas niyang bulong. Hinila nya ako para magtago sa likod ng isang pader. Sumilip pa siyang minsan sa pinanggalingan namin. Nang humarap sya sa akin, gumewang siya ng konti kaya napakapit sya sa mga braso ko. Puno ang mga mata nya ng takot at pangamba.

Siniyasat nya ako mula ulo hanggang paa bago niya hiniram sapatos ko. "Can I borrow your shoes?"

Imbes na sagutin sya, napabulalas ako, "Mamamatay ka sa labas kung ganyan suot mo! Kung hindi dahil sa lamig, dahil sa leptospirosis! Ang lakas kaya ng ulan, sigurado akong abot bewang na ang baha!"

"Don't be silly. My condition isn't that critical! Besides, I am going to die wherever I'll be – here, out there, in America. It doesn't matter. Pero kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, hinding-hindi ako pahuhuling buhay sa demonyo na iyon!" gumulong ang luha sa mga pisngi nya. Ngumiwi sya nang napaubo sya. Agad nyang diniin ang parte kung saan sya nabaril.

"Kailangan mo nang bumalik sa recovery room. Kailangan kong mapalagay na okay ka lang." hinawaka ko sya sa palapusuhan ngunit hinila nyang bigla ang paalis sa kamay ko.

"You don't understand, Cara. I have to go."

"Not until you're cleared! Look, let's make a deal," I pleaded pero umirap lang sya.

"Pahamak yang deal deal na 'yan. I've already sold my soul to the devil."

"E di wala nang mawawala sayo kundi buhay mo na! Kaya kung gusto mo pang mabuhay –"

"Ayoko na, Cara. Ayoko nang mabuhay pa. If I did, I wouldn't have made that confession," more tears fell.

"W-what? Why?" I was at a loss for words.

Ang bata pa niya para sa dramang ganito at nasa kasagsagan pa siya ng pagmomodelo niya. Sunod-sunod ang endorsements niya sa mga mamahaling brands. Alam ko rin na maraming nalilink sa kanya, maraming nanliligaw, at may mga ex siya na hinahabol pa rin siya. Napakababaw naman na dahilan kung dahil lang na isiniwalat niya ang mga pinaggagawa ni Collin at ayaw siyang balikan ni Jaxx ayaw nya nang mabuhay. Kalokohan!

"Follow me." sabi ko sa kanya. "We're going somewhere safer than these corridors." Nag-alinlangan sya pero kalaunan, sumama din siya.

Sa mga likod-likod kami dumaan, gamit ang service elevator kung saan walang ibang makakakita sa amin hanggang sa makarating kami sa Surgical Residents' callroom. Walang nagbago sa callroom mula nung umalis ako noong isang araw – nakabukas pa rin ang libro na binabasa ni Sean sa mesa, may mga disposable na styro cups ng kape sa bawat desk, ang mga charger ng telepono naka-plug pa sa outlets. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay walang tao dito, kahit ang duty.

Sinara ko ang pinto at inaya syang umupo sa isa sa mga bakanteng upuan. Niyakap nya sarili nya habang pabalik-balik ang tingin sa pinto. Mukha siyang takot at nilalamig. Siguro nga naman, sa nipis ng gown na suot nya.

Nakasabit ang gray na hoodie ni Carissa sa sandalan ng upuan. Mukha syang malinis at mukhang kasya naman kay Grace. Inamoy ko muna ito at mukhang bagong laba pa. Inabot ko sa kanya ang jacket at napangiti sya ng konti. "Mga co-residents ko lang ang makakaita sa atin dito."

"Bakit mo kailangan umalis agad?" I asked.

"I told you, Collin will find me and he will kill me. But he won't do it swiftly. I will die suffering," she looked deeply into my eyes before tearing away. "I don't want to go back to that lifestyle, Cara. It's inhumane. Hindi nga rin ako makapaniwala na nagtagal ako," sagot nya habang tinititigan ang kanyang mga paa.

"Modeling? Seems like a glamorous lifestyle to me. Ano naman ang ayaw mo doon?" sarkastiko kong tanong. Tiningnan nya ako na para bang kabababa ko lang galing sa isang spaceship galing mars bago sya tumawa ng mapait.

"Di ko alam kung nagmamaang-maangan ka lang o bobo ka talaga. Pero dahil doktor ka pa naman, isipin ko na lang na nagkukunwari ka lang na wala kang alam. Nakakakaba ang doktor na bobo." Alam kong nang-iinsulto sya at ibig nyang inisin ako para pakawalan siya kaya tinawanan ko na lang siya.

"Nakakalito ka kasi. Ayaw mong mabuhay, pero ayaw mo rin mamatay. Hindi ka naman pwedeng magmulto na lang diba? Kahit nga ang aswang, namamatay bago pwede magmulto." Napatawa ko siya pero umiling pa rin.

"I get the part that you don't want to die because I think most humans want to be alive till they're old and gray. But it just seems too trivial for you to want to kill yourself just because you confessed and the guy you wanted didn't want you back," I said a little unkindly.

"Cara, are you really dumb? Were you born yesterday? Did Jaxx not tell you anything about me or us or Collin at all?"

"Bakit naman ikukwento ni Jaxx ang relationship nyo sa akin? Una, hindi ako interesado. Pangalawa, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell! Wala ka namang bilib sa ex mo. Kung ganyan ka, ibahin mo sya!"

"Hindi iyon ang ibig sabihin ko na kwento. You know what? Never mind. The less you know, the safer you are. Thanks for the hoodie, pero kailangan ko na talaga umalis." Tumayo sya at sinuot ang itim na Adidas na tsinelas ni Francis.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin na 'safer'? Grace will you sit down and stop being so cryptic, goddammit!" hinarangan ko sya at pinigilan ang sarili ko na balibagin sya. Kaka-opera lang sa kanya at mahina pa katawan nya.

"Cara, that modeling agency is just a front. It's a trap. It is more than just an agency for models. Sindikato sya sa isang high class prostitution."

Napanganga ako sa sinabi nya. Sa laki ng awing ng bunganga ko kasya na buong kamao ko. Para akong sinapak ng katotohanan. Nahihilo ako, hindi ako makahinga ng maayos, ni hindi nga ako makapag-isip ng matino! I just sat there, wide eyes and gaping but no words came out of my mouth.

"Iyon ang rason kung bakit hindi ako pwedeng manatili kay Jaxx, because I was being pawned to some high bidder. Hindi ko pwedeng ipaalam sa kanya ang mga nangyayari, pero hindi ko rin sya kayang pakawalan. Mahal ko siya, Cara. Sa maniwala ka at sa hindi, mahal ko sya. I honestly, truly love the guy. I just wasn't free. And I am not worthy of him."

The gravity of what she said was just beginning to sink in. I could not bring myself to understand why she agreed to let Collin take advantage of her. If she weren't tied in bed and if she could fly off to anywhere, why did she even stay?

"Nag-audition ako para maging modelo. Wala naman sigurong mag-audition para maging escort or prostitute, diba? But once I was there, they make innocent, aspiring models who were desperate for a break do unspeakable things. A lot of times it was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Then they blackmail them, and coerce them... and just plainly use them. Us. I was part of that group of stupid, trusting, born-yesterday kind of dumb applicants," she said bitterly.

"Y-you said Jaxx saved you when Collin..." my voice trailed off. I could not finish my question.

"The first time it happened, he was able to save me. I was so drunk and high at that time and my best friend then, Vivienne Yara, helped Collin corner me and bring me to a room. It just so happened Jaxx was also there at the party and he looked for me. Nililigawan nya na ako noon at dapat kasi magkikita kami sa party.

"I was so glad he found me because I did not want to lose my virginity that way. Sinabihan ko kasi si Collin na mas gusto ko si Jaxx at alam nyang sasagutin ko na sana kaso gusto niyang sya ang makauna. Para namang agad agaran ko ipapamigay katawan ko sa kung sinong boyfriend ko.

"So later on when he learned I'd given my V-card away to someone else – it wasn't Jaxx, just so you know – he made me pay for it. You have no idea the nightmare he put me through and the unbelievable amount of threats and blackmails I've had to live through.

"Why didn't you just leave? Or report it sooner? I'm sure Jaxx could have protected you," I found myself saying things I normally would not, at least not to the Grace who I pictured as the heartless, ruthless, villainess of Jaxx's love story and mine.

"Jaxx could have. But if he learned what I was, would he?"

"I think he would... I just don't know if he'll accept you afterwards. But he still would have protected you."

Jaxx had a big heart. Nirerespeto nya ang kababaihan at alam kong tutulungan niya si Grace, kung sakaling nalaman nito ang pinagdadaan niya. Tingin ko nga mamahalin nya pa rin ito kapag nalaman nya ang katotohanan kasi kapag nagmahal si Jaxx, para syang tanga. Lahat na nakakalimutan niya. Buong puso niya ibibigay niya, hindi sya makasarili, at lahat gagawin niya kahit na mukha na syang hangal.

"That was exactly why I didn't tell him. Because I loved him so much and I didn't want to lose him. I knew I would break if I lost him," her lips started to quiver as new tears rolled down her cheeks, triggering the waterfalls in my eyes.

"I wanted him to love me as the person I was, as the person he fell in love with. I did not want him to know what was happening while I was modeling. I could not bear to tell him the truth and the agency threatened to do just that if I as much as decline their clients.

"I was on the cover of different magazines, I strutted the catwalks in different fashion shows, I lived the "glamorous model life" but behind the curtains, I was the escort who was forced to do disgusting things. I got hooked on drugs because of those things because I wanted to forget. I wanted to not know what was happening. I needed to be high.

"I don't want that. I can't take that anymore. I don't care if I don't make it to another magazine, hell, I don't give a shit if I lose my career! I just want a quiet, simple life, safe from prying eyes and groping hands.

Sumikip ang dibdib ko at parang piniga ang puso ko sa mga sinabi nya. Napagtanto kong hindi sya talaga masamang tao. She was just trying to survive the hell she was put in. She loved someone and wanted him to love her back. Just like we all do.

"I didn't plan on exposing Collin. I just wanted Jaxx back. But when I saw what happened in that room, I knew I had to do something to make him stop. It didn't matter what you, Jaxx, or the rest of your friends thought of me. In my insecurity and desperation, I sabotaged my chance with him, anyway," she shrugged her shoulders and sighed. "The least I could do to rectify the situation was to tell the world what Collin was. And that he deserved to be locked up for a very long time. He deserved to be molested and maltreated for what he has done."

She looked at the time in the wall clock by the door and stood up. "I really have to go before Dexter or one of Collin's hoodlums find me. Please, huwag niya akong hanapin."

Sasabat na sana ako pero nagsalita sya ulit.

"Tell them you went to find me and you couldn't. Or you tried to stop me but I had a knife. Or that I jumped into some random car you didn't see the plates.." taranta syang nagsasalita.

"Oo na. Naintindihan ko. Pero san ka pupunta? Wala kang pera, di damit nga iyan lang suot mo," paalala ko.

"Hindi iyon mahalaga. May naisip na akong plano pero kailangan kong makatakas muna sa lalong madaling panahon!" She was just as stubborn and as bullheaded as me. Kaya siguro nagustuhan rin sya ni Jaxx. Maliban sa isang napakagandang nilalang siya.

Makalipas ang sampung minuto, suot niya na ang scrubsuit na pamalit ko sana. Gamit nya pa rin tsinelas ni Francis dahil ito lang ang kasya sa paa niya. Hindi kasya rubber shoes ko sa kanya. Binigay ko rin sa kanya ang putting lab gown na ninenok ko sa Pathology lab noong nagri-research ako doon. Inabot ko na rin sa kanya pitaka at lahat ng pera ko doon pagkatapos kong tanggalin ang mga ID at credit card, pati picture ni Justin.

"Cara, please, don't look for me," she begged me one last time with eyes so clear and full of tears as if her life depended on it. Maybe it did.

"I won't. My life is already messed up as it is, I don't need more drama," I joked. There was no way I would be able to forgive myself if I told people the truth.

She laughed a little and wiped her eyes with her fingertips. "Take care of Jaxx. He loves you blindly, madly, and unconditionally. Goodbye, Cara."

"Goodbye, Grace."