THE PICTURES

Tired of feelin' like I'm trapped in my damn mind,
Tired of feelin' like I'm wrapped in a damn lie.

***

CHAPTER X

*****

THE PILLS WORKED.

For the first time in what felt like eternity, something was actually working in my favour, allowimg me to get more than my usual four hours of sleep each night. Even though it made my nightmares a lot more vivid and scary, I figured it was a fair tradeoff. I had spent so long sleep deprived that I almost forgot what it was like to feel awake and energised until I finally started sleeping again.

I just needed to find a way to replicate the effect without the drugs because I couldn't keep relying on Derek to source it all the time. Afterall, it was his prescription which probably meant he needed it too. But for now, I allowed myself to bask in the joy of having woken up fully rested.

A couple days later, I found myself sat near the back of a coffee shop as I worked on a paper for another one of my clients until something — or rather someone — stole my attention. I wasn't sure why I unable to take my eyes off her as she walked into the café, her head held high and completely oblivious to the fact that I was watching her. Maybe because I was starting to feel like she wasn't real after so long of not seeing her or maybe because some part of me felt guilty for not replying to her messages even though she was clearly worried about me. Maybe it was because seeing her in person was like a stark, unavoidable reminder of parts of that night I wanted to try to forget.

It would've been easier for me to put my head down until she left the shop so she wouldn't spot me and for moment, I tried to. She didn't look like she was planning to stay long anyway yet, for some reason — maybe guilt, maybe the belief she wouldn't actually notice me — as she spun around, ready to leave with her iced coffee in hand, my head came back up.

As if feeling my stare on her, she scanned over the shop real quick as her hand rested on the door handle, her perfectly groomed brows furrowed as if confused about something before her eyes met mine and recognition flooded them. I gave her a small wave of my hand, my lips lifting into what I hoped was an inviting smile as she abandoned the door and pivoted towards my direction instead. On her face was a small smile as if she was unsure of whether to approach or not. I didn't think I could blame her with how I had left so abruptly and then also stopped talking to her. She probably thought I was a bitch.

She came to a stop at the other end of the table.

“Hi,” I greeted first, making the smile on her lips widen.

“Hi,” she responded in kind before gesturing to the empty chair across from me. “Can I sit?”

“Of course. Sit,” I invited, making her lower herself into the seat at my confirmation. She set her coffee down in front of her and then for a minute after that we both kind of sat in awkward silence; a silence that made me extremely aware how this was nothing like the party.

“How have you been?” she asked after a long, drawn out minute of neither of us saying anything, making me raise my gaze from my fingers to meet hers instead. None of the anger I had convinced myself she felt towards me showed on her face, making me wonder if she was even angry at all. Or was she just good at hiding it? Was it even that deep?

“I'm good,” I answered simply, making her nod her head before directing her eyes to her cup again. I wasn't sure why it was so awkward between us when we got along so well at the party. Neither of us were drunk then either so I couldn't use that as a possible excuse. Did it turn out that we ended up having nothing in common when we weren't bitching about Carmen and Amia? This time I took it on myself to break the silence. “Sorry for not getting back to you since then,” I said, my voice low as something akin to shame warmed the tips of my ear. “I've been busy,” I excused, but the more I spoke, the quieter my voice got because it wasn't an excuse.

Why did I care so much what she thought of me anyway? Maybe because she helped. Since I've met her, she hasn't hesitated to help me yet I couldn't even find time in my day to text her back.

She gave me a warm smile, her eyes gleaming with what appeared to be amusement. “Don't sweat it,” she said as she waved her hand in dismissal. “I figured you just forgot or were busy or something. Although, I have been meaning to ask; what did you need to speak to Derek for?” she asked, making my breath hitch in my throat as my brain worked on overdrive to find a good answer for her question.

In an effort to hide how absolutely panicked I was on the inside, I forced my lips up into a small, hopefully convincing smile. “What do you mean?”

“You asked me for his number,” she pointed out, “and when I asked why, you never answered. Then I got a random text from you on a Friday evening telling me that you met up with him; I asked how it went and you never answered,” she listed out as she leaned in across the table, her eyebrows raising up and down in a suggestive manner. “You asked him out, didn't you?” she said, making me choke on my coffee mid sip.

I picked up a napkin to wipe away the tiny splatters of my drink from my mouth while I tried to clear my airways. After recollecting myself, I turned my attention to her, my brows raised in surprise and confusion at how she came to that conclusion.

“What?”

“What else is it?” she asked to which I shook my head, wanting to remove all ideas of me liking and somehow pursuing Derek from her mind, yet I hesitated to outright deny it. Not because I felt she was right and I actually did like him but because it was better she came to this conclusion rather than me trying to explain why I actually wanted to speak to him. She gave me a mischievous smile. “If it makes you feel better, I think you two would look cute together,” she said, making me scrunch up my nose as I shook my head at the thought.

Conjuring it up in my mind, Derek and I would not look cute together simply because we were from two completely different worlds. Plus, as much as I hated to admit it, Derek was gorgeous and I was mediocre on my best days. There was absolutely nothing about me that would draw him to me in the slightest. Not that I cared anyway.

“That doesn't make me feel better, but thanks,” I said with sarcasm, a fake smile on my face.

“I'm just saying, I don't mind being your wing-woman if you need me to but you have to grasp this opportunity with both hands while he's still single,” she advised, using both her hands to gesture grabbing something while I couldn't help but roll my eyes. What more could I say to her to make her give up this idea without outright exposing the reason I needed to see him?

Somehow too, it surprised me to hear that he was single to begin with even though it made sense that he was. It just felt like rich, good-looking people like him never had a shortage of people vying to date them. Even with the fact he took Raphael's life, there would still be dozens willing to overlook that. Hell, I was willing to overlook that without hoping for a date. Despite all this, he was still somehow single? It couldn't have been his personality either because the little I knew of him was pleasant.

It made sense though in the consideration of how his non-existent girlfriend would have felt at the fact that he was driving me up and down town. Plus, there were things he did sometimes with me that nobody with a girlfriend would do; like putting my hand inside his shirt to feel for his gun. Why did thinking about that make my heart beat a little faster?

At my silence, Elysia leaned in, her eyes narrowed in on me as she pointed an accusing finger at me like she just caught a thief. “Don't try and deny it. I saw you making googly eyes at him at the party,” she said, making the corners of my lips lift into an amused smile.

“Duh,” I drawled, “Have you seen him?”

She lowered her finger of accusation, an appreciative smile lighting up her face as she nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah, I've seen him. A sight for sore eyes,” she said as what I considered a giggle slipped past her lips, making me join her in her laughter.

I couldn't remember the last time I had a conversation like this, laughing and giggling over the cutest guy in our English Lit. Now it wasn't the cutest guy in class anymore but Derek; the guy I was supposed to be afraid of.

“What about you and that uh...” I faltered for a second, trying to remember the name of the guy I had seen staring at her at the party before it finally came back to me, “Jordan, was it?”

At the mention of his name, Elysia diverted her gaze away from me and instead elected to play with the straw from her drink. “What about me and Jordan?” she asked, her words coming out rushed yet also as if she was trying to act like it was no big deal.

I couldn't help the smirk that appeared on my lips as I leaned across the table, closer to her. Oh, how the tables have turned. “What about you and Jordan? You tell me.”

“There's nothing to tell. We're just friends,” she explained, making me give her an incredulous look because I didn't think even a five year old would believe her. “We are,” she argued at my silence, “I've even got a boyfriend and it's not him,” she said pointedly, shutting down the next thing I was going to say.

Even though she dropped the boyfriend lore to make me stop thinking there was something between her and Jordan, all it did was make the story all the more interesting. Even if she didn't like Jordan, he very clearly did like her and judging from her reaction, she knew that. Still, out of respect for her alleged boyfriend, I dropped the teasing.

“If you say so,” I relented with a sigh, making her give me a smile that looked like it was born from her relief.

“How did you manage to turn this on me?” she asked before shaking her head and extending a hand of surrender. “Okay, okay. Truce. We won't share theories on each others prospective love lives anymore.”

I hadn't hesitated before meeting our hands and shaking on that truce even though now, admittedly, I was curious about her dynamic with Jordan. Out of not wanting images of Derek and me being anything more than acquaintances plaguing my mind, I decided to play nice.

Elysia and I continued talking and cracking jokes for what felt like a couple minutes but ended up being almost an hour before she rose up from her seat to begin heading

“I was supposed to be at Adam's half an hour ago,” she said, a little bit panicked as she gathered all of her stuff that was splayed out on the table and threw it haphazardly into her bag. Pausing, she looked to me and gave me a warm smile. “It was really fun hanging out with you today. Hopefully we can hangout again soon?” she asked tentatively, making me smile and nod. I felt like I at least owed her that much.

“I'm usually either here or at the library after three so if you're in the area, we can catch up.” Her smile widened even more at my words as she nodded.

“Okay then. Make sure you answer your phone,” she said, giving me a pointed look but she didn't seem anything other than amused.

“I will, I will,” I said, waving a dismissive hand before actually waving my hand bye as she started to walk away. “See you.”

“Bye,” she dragged out, kissing her palm and then sending it across the way towards me before she finally exited the cafe, leaving me alone like I had been before she showed up.

I tried to focus back on the work I had been doing earlier, but I couldn't help but feel like after she left, the solitude I was so accustomed to and comfortable with suddenly felt a little less welcoming and a lot colder.

***

I foolishly thought that because things had been quiet for the past few days, that meant my life was finally trending towards the positive for once. I was consistently sleeping at least eight hours every night, I had a steady flow of business and, arguably the most important part, I wasn't getting anymore threats. I let myself believe that Derek had taken care of everything in the background and that for the foreseeable future, my life would finally go back to normal.

I didn't realise how naive that was of me until I got home later that day. As soon as I pushed the door to my room open and stepped in, I knew something about it had changed but I hadn't realised what exactly that was until the neatly folded envelope resting on my pillow caught my attention. My lips pulled into a frown as I shut the door behind me, my mind now running a mile a minute as I tried to recall myself placing a letter there before I left that morning but I couldn't.

The letter I received the other day was still on my desk where I abandoned it and, most notably, it seemed like this letter was placed in a way to make sure it would catch my attention. It was left leaning slightly up against the wall propped up on my pillow so, from my veiw point by my door, it was one of the first things I saw walking into my room. If I was the one that left it, then I really wanted my future self to see it and I just couldn't remember ever receiving something so important that it'd require that kind of care.

I could've been thinking too much about it. There was no reason why it wasn't just Richard or Rachel who picked up my mail and left it there for me and by God, how desperately I wanted that to be the case but something told me it wasn't

Dropping my bag at my feet, I closed the distance between me and the envelope with my breath still stuck in my chest. I didn't register how much heavier and bulkier the envelope felt than standard as I ripped it open and quickly produced the letter within it; a single piece of lined paper with that same messy scrawl in all the previous threats I had received.

Dear Morgan,
He can't protect you.
Sincerely, Raphael.

A chill creeped down my spine as the letter fluttered out of my weakened grasp but my focus was now on something I deemed much more terrifying than the empty words alone; the reason why the envelope was so heavy in the first place. I pulled out the glossy pictures that accompanied the letter, every beat my heart made feeling harder than the last one as I flipped through them. Six in total, five of which were pictures of me standing in front of a clients house or by the entrance of the library or by a bus stop or lamppost probably waiting for Derek to come pick me up.

The final picture was taken inside my room from the exact same angle I was standing in now as I flicked through the images, hovering over my bed of my pillow. They place where I found the envelope. The place where they left the envelope for me to find.

They had been inside my room.

Bile creeped up my throat as my fight or flight instincts kicked in but instead of doing either, I remained frozen in place, staring at the picture like it would fade away and turn into a benign image of a rainbow over a waterfall.

Slowly, I cast a sweeping glance over my surroundings as if trying to find if anyone was still lurking in my room and waiting for an opportunity to take me out but it turned up empty. Everything seemed as I had left it earlier that morning and while I did leave my window open, it had a lock that prevented it from opening wide enough for any living creature of concern to get in or out. It was something that Mike had installed when I was younger in an effort to prevent me from sneaking out as if it wasn't miles easier to just walk out through the front door when he drank himself into a coma instead.

Setting the pictures down on my bed, I made my way out of my room, down the hallway and towards the front door. I wasn't sure where I was planning to go but I didn't feel like I could remain there any longer. Before reaching my intended destination, something in the kitchen made me come to a stop by the door.

The family that now inhabited my home sat around the dining table, blissfully unaware of the panic that was building up within me and the danger that now lurked within their home as well as outside it.

Richard was the first to notice me as he sat at the head of the table, directly facing the doorway where I stood. The smile on his lips fell at the sight of me and his eyebrows furrowed as if asking me what I wanted.

I wanted to be blissfully unaware too so I asked, “Did you go into my room?”

He rolled his eyes at my question and turned his attention back to his meal as if he was disappointed in himself for even giving me the time of day. “No, Morgan. I did not go into your room. We only got back a couple minutes before you did.” A couple minutes seemed like more than enough time to sneak into my room and place those pictures but I didn't feel like arguing with him so I kept my mouth shut instead. At my silence, he continued, “the car's still warm if you want to go check if I'm lying or not.” The mocking tone of his voice wasn't difficult to miss and in my already bad mood, I wanted to respond back with something especially disrespectful but my mind came up blank so I only nodded my head and made my way back to my room again.

The room that I never really cared much for but appreciated simply for the fact that it kept me from all the things I wanted to run away from. Now these bare walls felt colder than I was used to with the stark reminder that there was nowhere in this world that I could feel safe anymore; protected. Except maybe for...

A bitter taste settled in the back of my mouth as the image of Derek popped into my head. I didn't like how he was becoming my first option even though there clearly wasn't any other. If something like this happened and I didn't have Derek, who would I call? Who would come to my rescue if not him? Who would I rely on? The police? Myself?

The only person that was consistently in my life was myself. Derek was safe for now but our paths would diverge sooner or later and he wouldn't be able to protect me anymore. I couldn't allow myself to become so reliant on someone that was so temporary. People always ended up leaving anyway so his loss wouldn't be a negative to me. What I needed to do was figure out a way to protect myself without needing him to come to my rescue like some damsel in distress; I was not a damsel in distress.

After all, I went nearly twenty years of constant pain and constant suffering and nobody ever came to save me then. I cried and bled during the night, but as soon as day broke, I still bandaged up my own wounds and wiped away my own tears. Nobody had ever come to save me then and nobody would ever come to save me. I'd be the one to save myself.

It was too late to go out and get a gun for myself, so, after everybody went to sleep and there was no one else around to question me or my actions, I snuck the largest knife I could find from the kitchen and slept with it under my pillow. I wasn't sure that it would do much if they decided to sneak into my house again and snatch me up in the middle of the night, but I knew I needed some kind of defense so even if they succeeded in killing me, I'd leave a nasty mark before I'd go.

For the rest of the night, I lay awake with my eyes trained on my ceiling, painfully anticipating the very minute they'd break in through my door or pry my window open to get to me. With every creak of a tree branch or shift of a shadow, I convinced myself that that was the moment they'd come for me but every time, it ended up being nothing. The entire night passed and nothing happened. They were playing with me.

I comforted myself through the night with the remainder of what was on my to-do list for the next day. I was going to buy a gun, even if I had to take out all of my savings just to get one. I would get a gun and then I would be safe. I could protect myself. Nobody would be able to hurt me anymore.

*****

Slightly slower chapter this time but it's going to pick up massively the next chapter and stay picked up from there I think? Idk actually we'll see. I could be lying. All I know is that Derek is in it throughout.

Don't forget to vote guys