Finian's POV

The world is not made up of black or white, it's a mixture of those colors that gets blurred together, fighting each other..good vs evil...light vs dark...grey is what wins....a palette of color sometimes very light, some times very dark...and everything in between. We all live in the grey...

Stretching out in the bed has my feet hanging over the edges, toes scrape against the wood. Sheets to short to cover me up all the way. The worst part I can hear soft, deep breathing from the room next to mine. Both of them peaceful and deeply asleep. I swear my mother did this to me on purpose, a little single bed that I can't even stretch my full body on. Either I'm off the edge or my feet hang off. She knows how much I hate having my feet hang over the edge of something when I sleep, always hated it since I was a kid. For months now I have been sleeping in this room instead of where I should be, with my family.

It's my fault all this happened and I deserve everything I get, plus more. Sometimes when Victoria passes by my open door she just looks at the bed and shakes her head, laughing to herself.

The demon laughs with her, at me. His happiness knows no bounds when it comes to my misery. 

I select a good pair of tight boxers for her to see me in. I know she can't help herself, I like watching the way her eyes roll over my body. It makes feel wanted on a certain level, even if she has no intention of acting on her thoughts.

Walking into their room very quietly, I know my Charlie will be up soon. I like to wait in the rocking chair for her first stretches, a little yawn, maybe she will open one eye before she starts to root around in her bed for something to eat. I like to give Victoria the earlier mornings to sleep in, it's my time with Charlie. It's just her and me, I don't know what I'd do without her.

I notice the picture is off the wall again, I shake my head. She's been getting creative with her hiding places. A little game we have going...it's the only thing we have going.

I put it up she takes it down. I just don't want her to forget that we could be like that again. I put it up to remind her I'm not giving up on us, she takes it down for me to understand she doesn't want us anymore.

Watching Victoria sleep, covers off of her, exposing her back, chest presses into the mattress. I can see an ass cheek. Black hair splayed all around her, hands underneath the pillow. It drives me crazy because I know she sleeps naked, nothing underneath those covers but flesh for my hands. They should be feeling her, I should be pressed against her. Feeling the beat of her heart in my chest.

A small rustling from the crib tells me the Queen has woken. Turning from mother to daughter, I'm met with a happy toothless smile. Her blue eyes the same as Victoria's make me smile. What a beautiful puu she is.

Picking her up, legs kick with happiness. I can't help but laugh at seeing this, someone likes to see my face. Most of the time everyone just casts their eyes towards the ground. No one really looks at me, except her, she looks at me and always smiles.

Changing her, I put her in something cute that will bring a smile to Victoria's face. I can always count on Charlie making Victoria smile when I can't.

Taking her in one arm, I bring her to her mother for a little kiss. Victoria turns over in bed, while I let Charlie have a little snuggle, I get a little look before the covers are brought up to her neck. Handing her back to me I always go for the quickest kiss, before she has time to react I'm always out the door.

Leaving her room, it's her space not mine anymore, I have lost that right, closing the door on what should have been, what still can be if given a chance.

My mother is there waiting for me in the kitchen, taking Charlie from my arms she kisses and coo's to her.

"How did you sleep, Finian?" Her face is towards Charlie but I know her ears are turned my way.

"You know how I slept, I think maybe we should switch room."

My mother just laughs "I'm too old to sleep in that toddler bed, it hurts my bones. I wouldn't even be able to walk with one night in that thing. No, that bed suits you don't you think. It's a nice place to dangle your legs over the edge and think about things. Wouldn't you agree, pup?" Ever since she found out what happened she has been my biggest critic never in public, always behind closed doors. She doesn't want to put me in a position to publicly give her an Alpha's justice. She knows just the right amount of taunting, pushing so my wolf doesn't show her the art of respect. He is itchy to have her on her knee's in apology. She is a master of striking but then retreating leaving me at a loss for what to do. She's been teaching Victoria all kinds of moves that prevent the wolf from taking over.

I remember the only time I had my mother by the throat. Her telling me that I was a disgrace to the North after her finding out that I slept with my first few females. It just happened faster than I knew what was happening. I had her by the throat, my teeth digging deep, blood pooling into my mouth as she whimpered and whined for my father to help her.

I can never forget the look on his face, disgrace, disgust...disappointment...that's the last look I see on his face for me before they called and told me he died.

The fist came fast and hard, something he has never done to me. Then his other fist met my face and another punch. He kept them coming, but I kept getting up, he kept hitting me. My legs turned to jelly but I kept getting up. Taking everything he had to give me, father against son. The Alpha against the future Alpha it's the first time I ever saw him cry. Once I saw the first tears come out, I stayed down. I took the kicks to my ribs, to my back until my mother pulled him off of me.

It was that day that I left for good, choosing to go to the Western pack before my rage killed someone...I never came home until the day they buried my father, the last look I have of my father is one of regret.

Grey took control of the North. I had the West, it just fell in my lap. The Alpha died suddenly, leaving an anarchy in his wake. I fought to live not to lead. Males against males....until I was the leader, it just came naturally to me. I did not intend to fight, I was pushed into a corner, survival of the fittest. My life or theirs...I will always pick me. No one has ever had my throat.

Meela's up early, making breakfast for Grey and her. I smile towards her. She smiles back "How's Grey this morning?"

"Better, he's getting better." I take a deep breath, knowing that I have put this off too long. Just waiting until he could fight back somewhat.

"Meela, I'm going to go speak with him. Is that okay with you?" She looks at me with a nod of understanding. Her hands tremble slightly trying to hold her coffee.

I give her Charlie to take care of, no need for her to witness her father crying.

"She needs to eat, bottles in the fridge."

"Alright." That's all she says to me.

There is a spare room on the first floor that they are using. Makes it easier for Grey. He can't do stairs. Also, it buffers the noise of them constantly screwing. He might not be able to walk yet but he can sure make her moan.

It's just me and him, in this room. No one else to witness this...it's between brothers. Our bond is in blood, not the moon. I told Meela that it's me that this has to come from, not her. I need to take the brunt of his anger not her....never her.

He's always been the better brother, always there for me, loving me when I hated him. He never gave up on me. What I have to say now is going to be the biggest betrayal he has ever known.

"How are you today brother," I say it lightheartedly.

"Fin." He gives me a smile.

Taking a deep breath trying to calm my heart, trying to control the guilt he must see in my eyes. I take one step towards him.

"Fin, say it. I know something's bothering you. Tell me. Let's get this over with." He has a way of seeing through me, sometimes I have his thoughts run through my head, just like he can see mine at times. We don't talk about these private things.

"Grey I just need you to listen before you react. I have something to tell you." I can't run from this. I can't run from him. I can't run from my life anymore.

His ruined leg slightly shows out of the covers, he hides it from my eyes, back underneath covering his flaw. He doesn't understand his ruined leg is my shame to bear.

He sits up in bed, face no longer breaking into a sweat because of the pain. He just is slow, cautious with his movements.

I decide to sit next to his hip. So he can reach me when the time comes.

"Grey." My voice shakes slightly.

"Fin, don't say anything. I don't want to know." His eyes close slightly, hands turning to fist, crushing the material of the blankets in his hands.

"Grey, when you were healing and Victoria was healing. One night." He's grabbed hold of my shirt, fabric scrunched in his hand.

Black eyes, staring into mine. His wolf ascending after so many months away.

"Say it." I can see his body tensing with my blow.

"Say it, Fin." He yells out to me. His face very close to mine, teeth bared to me.

I can feel his breath on me, waiting for my words.

" I kissed Meela, it was for a long time, no clothes came off. I stopped it before I went further. It wasn't her, it was me that kissed her. She was crying, not eating, she needed my comfort, but I crossed the line not her." The fist punch comes hard and fast, it's just not strong enough yet to knock me down. So I stay there until he hits me again and again. I take everyone, not moving. Until his teeth are on my neck, digging deep, blood, lots of my blood is being spilled. This will leave a deep mark, so all my pack knows that I have committed an offense to someone. It will get out, this will seep out because I will let it. The pack has to know that I screwed up and am paying a price, my mate hates me, my brother hates me, my mother hates me. Maybe everyone will hate me, but no one can hate me more than I hate myself.

I don't stop him from clamping down, instead, I manage to whisper out, "do it." I give him my throat more, stretching my neck for him to end me if he wants. I would die here and now if he wants that.

I clamp my hands down into the mattress refusing for me to move one inch. I will take this like a male.

Tears are coming down my face."I'm so sorry Grey, I'm so sorry."

His teeth let go of me. He's staring back at me, his tears are coming down just the same as mine.

"Now you know how I felt for all those years. The difference is I didn't know but you did."

I can't say anything back to him. He's right I knew they were mates.

Holding my position. Blood just leaking out of my neck. It's not enough to kill but it does the damage it needs to do so every time I look in the mirror I will be reminded of who I am.

He places his hand on mine, "I hate you, but I still love you. Now get out." His face covered in my blood. I feel slightly dizzy with the continued blood loss. I stumble slightly getting off the bed. My one leg gives out on me before I catch myself on hands and knees. Leaking my life on the floor, he might not be standing but I'm on my knees in front of him, head bowed, crying out my failure as a brother, as a mate, as an Alpha.

"Go Fin." His voice is tight in his throat.

Standing I turn from him, walking away. I try to stop the flow of blood on my neck, it just keeps coming out, slower not as fast but it blurs my vision. I notice hand prints in crimson against the wall that I'm using for support...my legs give out again. Falling to my knee's I deserve this...it's a thought I just keep thinking over and over again.

I have my back against the wall, I can feel myself swaying from side to side. Legs won't work. I feel like I could just have a short sleep. A little rest, that's what I need, just a little rest. Closing my eyes, I can feel Victoria's gentle voice urging me to stand. I want to say just give me a minute. I can feel her lifting me up to a standing position, arm around her shoulder as she walks me up the stairs to her room. She lays me on the bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open but I do so it's her eyes that I can look into.

She holds something to my neck, no panic in those eyes, it's as if she has seen injuries like this before, just not on me.

"I'm so sorry." It's hard to get the words out. Tears leaking out like I'm a child.

"I know." She says this as her lips come to mine softly before pulling away.

"Close your eyes, you need to rest. I'll be here when you wake up. Don't worry I'll watch over you." She closes my eyes for me. Her hand through my hair. Those sparks tingle my body. Her smell is something that I can never get enough of. I nuzzle into her as she wraps herself around me.