CHAPTER TEN

HAD my hoodie over my head, I looked up at the dark clouds. Rainy season — my favorite season. 'Yung pwede ka na lang magmukmok sa kwarto, uminom ng mainit na kape, magbasa ng paboritong libro, at makinig ng music nang naka-earphones.

Just... so good.

I reached for my umbrella which was placed in the side pocket of my backpack, but then I realized that I reached for nothing. Jackie did ask for my umbrella yesterday and she forgot to bring it today. Adding to the unfortunate events of my life, my best friend had to go home early today and so...

"Bummer," was the only word I could mutter.

I took a deep breath before staring back at the clouds.

"Please... As much as I love seeing the raindrops, pauwiin mo muna akong tuyo."

Bahagya naman akong nagulat nang may marinig akong tumawa sa tabi ko. Agad kong nilingon ang chismosong nag-react na 'yon.

Monolid hazelnut eyes covered by full eyeglasses. Top-heavy lips. Taper fade hair. All in all, pogi.

Who the — Ilang beses akong napakurap. Wait, I know this guy.

"N-Nexus..." I muttered under my breath.

Napalingon naman siya sa 'kin. His typical smiling and bright face greeted me, almost blinding me. "Yeah?"

I blinked almost a hundred times again. He's looking at me. He's talking to me with his deep baritone voice. I... I... I looked away. "Nothing." I was about to leave the waiting shed and head on to walk my way home when the rain began to pour. Hard. "Just great."

Napabalik tuloy ako sa pagkakaupo ko sa may waiting shed saka napabuntonghininga at nakipagtitigan sa ulan. I would've really loved this season kung nasa loob lang ako ng kwarto ko at nakabalot ng kumot eh.

"Sinabi nang mamaya na eh," pakikipag-usap ko na naman sa ulan na siyang tinawanan na naman ng hindi pa pala umaalis na lalakeng 'to.

"Sinagot ka na ba ng ulan?" tanong niya na obvious namang ako ang kausap pero sa sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, parang hindi ko kayang sumagot. "Grabe, ulan 'no? Ikaw lang ang gusto niyang kausap pero sinabi niya naman kanina yung pangalan ko."

Hindi ko malaman kung anong mararamdaman sa sobrang dami kong nararamdaman pero hindi ko napigilang matawa sa sinabi niya. And because of his last sentence, I somehow loosened up. "Pati ba naman ikaw kinakausap niya, ulan? Eh buong school nga kausap na niya eh, second year pa lang 'yan ah?" Malakas-lakas ang loob kong magmukhang ewan dahil kami lang namang dalawa at wala rin namang ibang dumadaan.

Muli ko siyang narinig na natawa pagkatapos niya magkunwaring na-offend. "Wagas naman sa buong school. Mukha bang kaya kong kausapin yung building, ha? Ulan? Saka hindi ko naman kasalanang maraming gustong kumausap sa akin, diba? Rude naman kapag hindi ako sumagot," litanya niya. Well, kung weird ako, at least hindi lang ako ang mag-isang weird. "At least ako kumakausap ng tao, ulan, diba? Kaysa naman yung isa r'yan. Mas gusto ka pang kausapin kesa sa totoong tao. No offense, ulan."

Hindi ko na napigilang mapangiti hanggang sa matawa na ako. Hanep kasi yung "No offense, ulan" niya. "Mas madalas kasing okay na kausap ka, ulan, kesa mga tao tapos biglang hindi ka papansinin kapag pakiramdam mo ay close na kayo," sumbong na hindi ko rin napansing nasabi ko out loud.

Naramdaman ko naman siyang gumalaw saka nakita ko rin siya mula sa peripheral vision kong humarap sa akin. "Hindi naman ako ganon ah." This time, ako na talaga ang kausap niya at namalayan ko na lang ang sarili kong ulo na humarap sa kaniya. He has this somehow puzzled look on his pretty face.

I could feel my face heating up the longer I had a staring contest with him and so I looked away again. "Hindi ko rin naman sinasabing ganon ka. I'm just spitting possibilities and facts based on my own statistics."

Natahimik naman siya. I thought he was gonna stay quiet until the rain stopped pouring so hard, but he didn't. "I wouldn't be like that though," he muttered, but I heard it despite the raindrops falling on the shed.

I answered him with a hum and spit words I wasn't able to control again. "You don't even know my name, and yet you're talking to me." I knew what I sounded like. Para akong nagtatampong ewan. Ba't naman ako magtatampo?

"Hadlee..." I heard him breathe out. "Hadlee Ronelle Soriano."

Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin ako sa kaniya. "Wha-what the — How... How did you know?"

I then saw him smile again. So bright again. Almost blinding me again.

And then... my heart pounded so hard, so fast, and so loud. What the—

"I told you, I'm different," simple common words and yet I couldn't forget them. I couldn't because it was Nexus who said them.

Second-year kami nun. Ilang taon na ang lumipas at ga-graduate na kami ng senior high pero hindi ko pa rin makalimutan. It was the first time I had a crush on him, then years passed, and my feelings grew.

I knew how smart he was, and I was thanking my parents that they made me smart too, so I was able to be in the same section as he was. I was able to watch and admire him from afar.

And the best thing I liked about Nexus was that he was kind and true to his words. Whenever he got the time or our paths crossed or his eyes would accidentally land on mine, he would manage to say hi and remind me to take my life easy. And with those small interactions, smiles, and greetings, I eventually began to fall for him.

For someone as evasive and private as I am towards people other than Jackie, to receive those kinds of pleasant words, I easily got touched. He was... amazing. Great. Wonderful. And all those positive adjectives. Nexus Cairo Arcanghel was just so enchanting.

And that's why I'm inside my bedroom, locked up, even though I had classes today. In years of being a high school student, this was my first absence with no valid excuse.

I don't think being brokenhearted is considered to be a valid excuse.

But here I am, the very grade-conscious Hadlee Soriano, absent and covered by her blanket as she cried herself empty.

Sino ba kasi ang nagpauso ng crush crush na 'yan? 'Yang ma-in love na 'yan? O kaya naman kung mai-inlove ka, bakit hindi automatic na kayong dalawa nung para talaga sa 'yo para wala ng sakit sakit pang ganito?

Muli na naman akong naiyak nang maalala ko ang masayang mukha ni Nexus. "Bagay na bagay sila. A-Ang ganda at gwapo nila." Muli akong umiyak. "T-Tapos obvious na gusto siya ni Nexus." Bigla na namang sumakit ang dibdib ko. Parang ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya. Kung hindi ako gusto ni Nexus, hindi ba pwedeng hindi na lang siya magkagusto kahit kanino? Kahit hanggang sa maka-graduate lang kami ng high school oh.

Parang ang sarap ipalo sa sarili ko ang unang yakap-yakap ko dahil sa kung ano-anong pumapasok sa isip ko. I can't control Nexus' feelings. I couldn't even control myself properly. Sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa unan ko saka sumigaw. "Bakit naman kasi sa lahat ng pwedeng gustuhin sa isang Nexus Cairo pa talaga ako nagkagusto?"

Narinig kong nag-ring ang cellphone ko and upon seeing the caller ID, I chose not to pick it up. It was just Jackie. And since she's one of the reasons why it was difficult for me to suppress my feelings for Nexus, I don't think it's appropriate to converse with her.

Narinig ko na namang tumunog ang phone ko pero base sa ringtone ay paniguradong text 'yon. I reached for my phone and saw that it was 12:03 in the afternoon. Lunch time na nila.

Muli kong naramdaman ang sarili kong naluluha nang maalala kong lunch time rin kahapon noong makita kong magkasama sina Nexus at Franne.

"Bakit naman kasi bagay na bagay sila eh?" Iyak na naman ako nang iyak hanggang sa mapakalma ko ang sarili ko at naalalang titingnan ko nga pala ang text na 'yon.

Sa sobrang kahibangan ko, nananalangin pa akong si Nexus ang nag-text sa akin. Baka sakaling napansin niyang absent ako ngayon. Baka lang concern siya.

Kaya naman ganon na lang ang pagkadismaya ko nang makita kong si Clint ang nag-text. Kinukumusta ako at hindi ko raw sinasagot ang tawag ni Jackie. Hindi ko naman 'yon nireplyan dahil kasabay ng pagkadismaya ko ay ang pakiramdam na parang ansama-sama kong tao.

Aware akong gusto ako ni Clint pero parang hinahayaan ko lang siyang masaktan kasi pumayag akong doon siya sa tabi ko kahit na may iba akong gusto. Parang napaka-sadista ko kahit ang totoo ay masokista ako.

Bigla na namang tumunog ang phone ko and this time, text siya na galing kay Jackie. Nang basahin ko ay parang gusto ko na namang mainis.

Parang gusto ko nang pigilan ang sarili ko sa pagsasabing ansama ko dahil gusto ko ang taong gusto ni Jackie eh mas nauna nga akong nagkagusto. Plus, Nexus wasn't comfortable around her. Shouldn't that be her sign to stop approaching the guy?

And another thing about Jackie is her low-key threats towards ending our friendship. Na kesehodang magiging kasalanan ko nga kapag natapos ang pagkakaibigan namin nang dahil kay Nexus. Again, hindi ko kasalanang nagkagusto ako nang mas maaga kay Nexus. I even doubt it na kung pinaalam ko ba noon kay Jackie na gusto ko si Nexus ay hindi niya ito gugustuhin. Like I said before, ang daming rason para gustuhin ang isang Nexus Cairo. And Jackie has always been a sucker for good looks and fame.

I blew out a deep breath. Minsan, nakakapagod din naman maging mabait. Kung hindi lang dahil sa mahal ko si Jackie bilang matalik kong kaibigan at kapatid, hindi ko rin naman siya hahayaang tratuhin ako nang ganon.

Muli kong isinubsob ang mukha ko sa unan saka sumigaw. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng paglalabas ng frustrations ko nang makatanggap na naman ako ng text mula kay Jackie.

"I saw Nexus here sa cafeteria, and when I gave him a drink, he accepted and smiled at me. OMG, Haddy!"

Napahinga ako nang malalim — sobrang lalim — saka ko isinubsob ang mukha ko sa unan ko at sumigaw.

After a while, I received another text, this time, kay Clint naman galing.

"Hey, if okay lang sa 'yo, do you wanna have dinner again together?"

Bumigat na naman ang pakiramdam ko. I really feel like I'm holding him down which I shouldn't be. He's been nothing but good to me and this is how I repay him? I let out a sigh. I really shouldn't be like this. I need to fix myself.

I'll continue acting as if I don't like Nexus, even though I'm very much affected by him, in front of Jackie.

I'll continue being friends with Clint because he also agreed to be one and I really am comfortable with him as a friend.

And I'll... I'll just have to avoid Nexus at all costs.

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