CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"HADDY, I no longer like him na," bungad sa akin ni Jackie pagpasok na pagpasok niya sa kwarto ko.

Hindi ko naman tinigil ang pagbabasa ko ng module pero pinansin ko pa rin naman siya. "Sino? Si Cedrick?"

"Matagal ko nang hindi bet 'yun, Had," ungos ni Jackie sabay salampak sa single sofa ko.

"Ahh..." Nilipat ko yung page ng sinasagutan ko. "So, si Alfred?"

"Hindi rin."

"Jake?"

"Huh? Sino 'yun?"

"'Yung president ng photography club na matangkad na niregaluhan mo ng something camera for his birthday."

"Ahh... that guy... Nope, not him either."

Medyo napaisip naman ako saglit. Mas nahihirapan pa ako sa mga lalakeng nagugustuhan ni Jack kesa sa assignment ko eh. "Edi si Henry?"

"Is that the guy na may girl best friend na kung maka-asta ay girlfriend tapos kinakain lahat ng binibigay kong food kay guy?" Tinanguan ko siya. "Oh... I remember almost getting into a fight with that girl. But nope."

Then there's one last guy in my memory box. "So si Stan." Tumango naman si Jackie saka humaba ang nguso. "Anyare?"

"Well, as you know, I gave him a lot of things, most especially the things he asked for, but then it turned out that he gave my gifts to this girl he's currently courting." Nawala ang atensyon ko sa ginagawa ko saka hindi makapaniwalang tiningnan siya. "I know, right?" She let out a grunt and then a sigh. "I can't believe all the guys are the same. Like lahat ng nagugustuhan ko, ang sasama ng ugali."

I felt so bad for her and so mad at that Stan guy. I wanted to just confront him and make him tell the girl what he had been doing to Jackie. "Anong section at grade level nung Stan?"

Napatingin naman sa akin si Jackie saka bumuntonghininga. She stood up and plopped herself beside me on my bed as she wrapped her arms around my waist from the side. "I'm just so tired now, Haddy. I feel like I'll never find true love."

I did my best to calm myself. Jackie needs me here; I'll deal with that Stan some other time. I softly patted her shoulder. "'Wag mo kasing madaliin, Jack. Malay mo, kusa ring darating sa 'yo 'yan."

Parang si Nexus. Hindi ko naman in-expect na sa isang simpleng conversation, sa isang ngiti at tawa niya, lalambot agad ako. Hindi ko inakalang hahanap-hanapin ko siya at gugustuhing masilayan ang ngiti niya kahit isang beses isang araw.

Hindi ko naman na handa ang sarili kong mahulog sa kaniya pero biglang nangyari nang hindi ko inaasahan.

It was very unexpected, but I don't regret it. He's a wonderful guy, trustworthy, smart, witty, and enchanting, but I don't think he'll prefer someone as plain as myself. So, maybe, I should at least do something to earn his attention, something like improving myself. Pwede kong simulan sa kahit konting ayos lang sa itsura. Pulbos-pulbos, konting lip tint. Para magmukhang presentable. Tapos, saka ako aamin kay Nexus.

I would want to let him know that I like him, that maybe... just maybe... he could like someone like me too.

"How about Nexus?" Agad naputol ang iniisip ko dahil sa sinabi ni Jackie. "I think he's pretty cute." Jackie smiled and I know this smile on her face tells me that Nexus already got her attention. "And I heard he's a lot nicer than those previous boys I fancied."

Oh, shoot. "A-Are you sure?" Bakit sa lahat naman ng lalake, yung taong gusto ko pa? "I thought you just hated men."

Inangat ni Jackie ang tingin niya sa akin saka ako pinakitaan ng isang nakakalokong ngiti. "Last one na, for last year ng high school next year," humahagikgik pa niyang pahayag.

"Are you sure?" Please say no. Jackie, please.

She firmly nodded. "And this time, I'm going all out. Wala pa naman akong nababalitaang babaeng gusto niya, so I'll take my chances — and by chances, I meant Nexus himself. If I found out na he really is a lot nicer than the other guys, then I'll just have to do everything to make him like me—"

"You don't have to force yourself on anyone, Jack." I had to say it out loud. It's Nexus we're talking about. "You're a beautiful, smart lady. You have a lot of guys waiting in line for you, hindi mo kailangang pumili ng taong hindi ka gusto—"

"Then I'll make him like me, Hadlee," seryoso niyang sagot. The silly smile that was on her face a while ago was completely gone. "I want him. So, I'll have him until I'm no longer interested."

I wanted to stop her. But knowing Jackie's stubbornness, I couldn't. And with all that she said, I just let myself believe that maybe Nexus would be the guy for her.

That despite the fact that I liked him and was planning to confess to him, I couldn't hurt Jackie.

Pinaniwala ko na lang ang sarili kong "Gusto ko lang naman siya. It's just a simple crush. Adoration. I will soon get over him."

Unfortunately, hindi 'yon nangyari.

Because the more Jackie talked about him and the more she adored him, the more I was in pain.

But I can't do anything. I didn't want to lose Jackie, so I kept my mouth shut. I began to avoid Nexus even if it hurt, as long as it would make Jackie happy.

For her, I was ready to keep my silence.

AFTER quite some time, we finally stopped our tracks. We were in the same garden on campus where she would lately confront me or just rant about her day. So as of the moment, I had no idea which would be which, but if it was the former, I had to ready myself—

My eyes widened in shock when I suddenly felt Jackie slap me on the face. Agad din akong napahawak sa pisngi ko saka naguguluhan at gulat na gulat na tumingin sa kaniya. "What—"

"Masaya bang paglaruan ako? Did I look so stupid and desperate for your entertainment? Is that how much you despise me? Did I irritate you too much?"

"Jackie—"

"Don't act innocent, you, snake!" she screamed so loud that it made me flinch. I had no idea what she was saying but I'm more concerned with how she looked. Jackie was so mad and in pain that tears were streaming down her face. "So, tell me, Hadlee. Kailan mo pa ginusto si Nexus?"

Dahan-dahang lumaki ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin — kung anong uunahin kong sabihin. All I could think of was hell, so she found out. "I'm sorry," were the only words I could utter. "I'm really sorry, Jackie."

She laughed humorlessly. "So, it really is true." She laughed again. "It's true, and you didn't even tell me? For what? You wanted to watch me be that desperate?"

Nagsimula nang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. I had difficulty breathing and I felt and saw how my tears began to form. "Jack, hindi... Ayokong ipaalam sa 'yo kasi baka magalit ka—"

"Talagang magagalit ako, Had!" muli niya sigaw na siyang bahagyang nagpapikit sa akin. "You lied to me. How can I not be mad‽"

"Exactly, Jack!" bigla kong sigaw. "Ayokong magalit ka. Ayokong ma-misunderstood mo 'ko. Ayokong... ayokong ganito, okay? If I had told you before, then we wouldn't be friends, and I'm scared of that, Jack." I could feel my tears flowing heavily down my cheeks. "You're my only friend... you're my best friend... and I did not want to ruin that."

"But you did, Had. And I can't believe that you, of all the people in the world, the only person I could fully trust, would stab me behind my back." Jackie was crying as hard as I did and the pain I felt doubled. "You knew I liked him."

Naririnig ko ang sarili kong humahagulgol habang humihingi ng tawad kay Jackie. "I know. I know. I'm sorry. Pinigilan ko naman, eh. Sinubukan kong alisin yung nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya simula nung sinabi mong gusto mo siya." I looked at her despite all the tears spread on my face. "Jack, believe me, I tried. P-Pero hindi ko kinaya. I ended up falling for him instead. At ang hirap-hirap pigilin ng sarili kong hindi 'yon ipaalam sa kaniya."

I tried calming myself, but I couldn't, and instead, I just kept on heavily crying. Everything that I couldn't tell Jackie before, I was able to let them all out now.

"It's true. I've liked Nexus since eighth grade, and I began to fall for him slowly. I was planning to confess, Jack, I planned to tell him how much I like him, hoping he'll like me too. But the same day I planned to do so, you mentioned that he got your attention, and what was I meant to do, Jackie? Ikaw na ang nagsabi sa akin, what's yours is yours, and it was always applied to the guys you liked whether you're together or not." I humorlessly chuckled. "I wanted to tell you, 'no,' did you know that?" I laughed again, tears still streaming down my face. "Gustong-gusto kong sabihin na, 'Jack, andami-daming lalake sa mundo. 'Wag naman si Nexus. 'Wag naman yung taong gusto ko—'"

"Then why didn't you say so?"

"Because you're my best friend, Jackie!" I exclaimed. "And I cherish what we have. I did not want to hurt you in any way. I always want what's best for you and I chose to prioritize you over me, so if during that time, you think that Nexus was the one, then I don't have the heart to tell you, 'no.'" I tried to stop sobbing so hard, but I failed miserably. "I wanted him first," I said, which came out almost as a whisper. "I was only building up my courage... I would have wanted to tell him... But you..."

"Kaya nagpaligaw ka na lang sa kaniya without telling me," she said with full conviction. She was so sure of what she just said that it actually made my mind stop functioning.

What? My forehead furrowed, my eyebrows were almost clashing, and my eyes were filled with confusion. "Anong sinabi mo?"

Diretso at seryosong nakatingin sa akin si Jackie. "Ikaw yung nililigawan ni Nex, 'di ba? Aui told me about it—"

"Nililigawan? Ako? Ni Nexus?" Sa bawat tanong ko ay siyang paghirap ng pag-intindi ko sa sinasabi ni Jackie. "What the heck?"

"Magsisinungaling ka na naman—"

I cut her off fast. "The only thing I lied about was my feelings for Nexus," I said as I stared back at her. "Pero itong ligaw-ligaw, that's impossible."

She wiped her tears, let out a sigh, crossed her arms over her chest, and rolled her eyes. "That's not impossible, Had. Why do you think I have been too much to you and Nexus?"

"Because I'm a girl and we've been interacting lately, and so, I looked like a threat to you, which was still nonsense by the way," I answered as I wiped my tears as well.

Jackie grunted. "God! Are you that clueless?"

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "No, Jackie, this is me spilling facts."

She then matched my glare. "Facts, my ass. Ang tali-talino mo but you're dumb with this stuff," aniya na sa tonong ginamit niya eh parang ang tanga-tanga ko nga at malapit na siyang gumive-up. I looked at her as if I was saying, "Aren't you just the same?" and she instantly understood it. "Yes, but this is different."

"Pinagsasasabi mo?"

"What I'm saying is that Nexus likes you—"

"Drop dead, Jackie," I quickly reacted. "Alam kong galit ka sa akin sa pagsisinungaling ko, na gusto ko talaga si Nex, na baka gusto mong gumanti, but don't do that. That's too much—"

"Idiot," she mumbled but I heard it clearly. "I was mad — more specifically, hurt — but right now, slowly, as this conversation progresses, I'm just pissed." Jackie looked away. "But I could never hurt you that way."

"You just slapped me, Jackie," I told her with an as-a-matter-of-fact tone and a deadpan look. "And you called me a snake without letting me explain my side."

Nakita ko kung paano kumalat ang pagsisisi sa mukha niya. "I'm sorry," she whispered with her head down. "I'm sorry about that, Had. Mali ako. I'm really sorry." I could also hear faint sobs coming from her.

I let out a sigh and walked towards her, closing the gap between us, and wrapping my arms around her. "It's okay. You don't have to cry." Mas lalo pang lumakas ang pag-iyak niya. "Kung nagu-guilty ka, paganti na lang ako. Isang sampal lang," ani ko na siyang pagkalas niya sa yakap ko at pagtingin sa akin ng puno ng pagkalito sa mukha niya. Mahina naman akong natawa. "I'm just kidding. I think I somehow deserve the slap. I did hurt you still."

Umiling naman siya. "No, it was my fault."

"Sige, kasalanan na lang nating dalawa," I said to lighten up the atmosphere. Pareho kaming natawa. Once the laughter died down, small smiles were visible on our faces. "So, okay na tayo?" She nodded.

I know we're still far from being really okay with each other and this topic, this event, but even so, I knew both of us wanted to fix this. It may not be as quick as how we made each other laugh, how we joked around, but slowly... we'll be able to get through this moment.

I breathe out. Somehow, my chest felt lighter, and it made me smile genuinely. "Lumuwag na rin yung nasa dibdib ko. Ang tagal kong hindi nalabas 'yon ah," pabiro kong sabi.

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Had, I'm really sorry, but right from the start, you should've told me you liked Nexus."

Inungusan ko naman siya. "I did not expect that you would like him too."

"What's not to like about Nexy? For sure nga, it's not just the two of us that likes him eh." Okay, fair point. "But tell me," she eagerly looked at me as if she had not just yelled at me a couple of minutes ago, "when did Nexus start courting you—"

"Ang kulet naman," agad kong putol sa kaniya. "Hindi niya nga ako nililigawan. Imposible niya nga akong magustuhan eh—"

"And I'm telling you that you're an idiot for saying that's impossible," pananaray niya. "Obvious kaya kung paano ka tingnan ni Nexus. Also, whenever you're together, he has this serene expression, and it's not hard to miss. And after hearing from Aui that he's courting someone, I knew exactly that it was you."

Gustong-gusto kong batukan si Jackie sa mga pinagsasasabi niya. I know how stubborn this woman is. Ipipilit niya nang ipipilit ang punto niya about Nexus having feelings for me, but that's absurd. "Hindi ako ang nililigawan ni Nexus," I cleared out, with finality in my tone, as my shoulders fell. "But I know who he might be courting."

"Who?" curious na curious na tanong ni Jackie.

I looked at the pretty brown leaves falling from one of the trees. I watched how they somehow danced with the wind until they finally reached the ground.

As the seasons change, the wind faces the tree and helps it let its leaves go. It was as if the wind told the tree to prepare itself to start a new beginning. This tree will have to move on, and with the right amount of time, it can finally create new leaves.

I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. A sad smile formed on my lips, as a lone tear fell down my cheek.

The only confirmation I needed was finally laid down in front of me. So, the next step that I have to take is for me to finally let go of these feelings. I guess this is my last straw.

I'm finally letting you go, Nexus...

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