CHAPTER FIFTEEN

AFTER our talk, Jackie's and mine, I went to look for Clint, while Jackie went back to her preparations for the competition, she was part of — which actually turned out to be a dance competition and not a volleyball one. She even explained that it was because of her desire to pursue Nexus that made her join that department, but after our talk, she just wanted to compete not to have Nexus' attention, but because she actually enjoyed it.

But that day, it wasn't Clint that I saw first, but a vulnerable Nexus.

The person who was all bright and positive was trembling and breaking down right in front of my eyes. I did not know exactly what to do, but I felt my feet walk towards him, my mouth saying words such as "breathe", and my arms wrapping around him, hoping it would help him calm down.

So, when I thought it was helping, as I felt and heard him stop crying, I checked on him, only to see him lose consciousness. Nagpatulong pa ako no'n kela Kenny at Aui, mga kaibigan niyang naroroon din, para lang dalhin si Nexus sa clinic.

After making sure that he was okay with his friends, I went out of the room and continued searching for Clint. Alam ko namang hindi ako kailangan doon kaya ako na mismo ang umalis. But just after I left the room, Aui followed and asked me about Jackie.

Somehow, I was curious as to why she would ask about her, but I did not voice out my thoughts instead, I just told her where Jackie was and bid goodbye.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyari kay Nexus after that. Hindi ko na rin naman naramdamang kailangan kong alamin dahil baka magmukha pa akong chismosa. Plus, with the state in which Nexus was, I did not have the heart to bring it up to anyone, most especially to him. Kaya naman nag-rely na lang ako sa kung anong nakikita ko matapos ang intrams.

Speaking of intrams, that day, I told myself that I should start moving on — like seryoso na sana this time. But then, as much as I planned to move on, doing it in an instant really is tough. For example, itong sa biology class namin na project. Partner ko siya at most of the time, kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama. There were times in which nararamdaman kong humihigpit pa rin ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa kaniya at inaalalang may babaeng ginugusto at sineseryoso na siya.

Kaya naman naisip kong itong pagmo-move on ko, uumpisahan ko sa pagbabawas ng nararamdamang sakit at bigat ng pakiramdam kada titingnan ko siya. And it somehow worked, because slowly, the pain was indeed lessening. Lessening... but it's still there.

Kaya naman hindi ko pa rin tuluyang napipigilan ang sarili kong puso na kumabog habang nararamdaman ko siyang nakatitig sa akin ngayon. Pasimple ako huminga nang malalim at ibinuga iyon saka lumingon sa kan'ya at pinagsalubong ang mga kilay ko. "Yung totoo? Alin ba talaga ang dapat mong i-observe? Ako o 'yong makahiya?" I commend your bravery in saying those words, Had.

I was actually expecting to see Nexus laughing at my remark — since that's his usual and typical response, but I didn't. Instead, I saw him staring at me with those eyes. And I honestly did not want to assume, but those emotions playing in his eyes were making my heart pound so loud.

"Obvious kaya kung paano ka tingnan ni Nexus. Also, whenever you're together, he has this serene expression, and it's not hard to miss. And after hearing from Aui that he's courting someone, I knew exactly that it was you."

Jackie's words were playing inside my head like a broken record. Hindi sa ayokong paniwalaan ang sinabi niya pero imposible kasi. I mean you would never like me, right, Nexus?

"Hello? President Nexus?" Kumaway-kaway pa ako para lang makuha ang atensyon ni Nexus na tulala. Para hindi ko na makita ulit yung nakakalitong emosyon na 'yon. May nililigawan na siya, Had. 'Wag mo nang lokohin at paasahin ang sarili mo, Had. Masasaktan na naman tayo eh.

Nawala ang iniisip ko nang marinig ko siyang bumuntonghininga. "Ilang beses ko bang uulitin sa 'yo na pwede namang Nex na lang ang itawag mo sa 'kin? Ang formal masyado ng President Nexus eh! 'Di naman ako 'yong panggulo — este, pangulo — ng Pilipinas."

But that's how I want you to be pictured in my head: a classmate, the class president, and nothing more. Bahagya akong napangiti saka itinuloy ang pagiging mataray ko. "At ilang beses ko bang uulitin yung tanong ko sa 'yo?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. Adorable. "Anong tanong?"

Napahawak na lang ako sa noo. Cute nga, mukhang lutang naman. "Why are you being so stubborn? Ang sabi ko, kung may balak ka pa bang i-observe 'tong makahiya? Kasi kaunti na lang, baka ako na 'yong tumiklop sa tagal mong tumitig sa 'kin."

Wow, Had. Really? Seriously? Antapang ah. Ito na ba ang isa sa signs na kahit papaano ay nakaka-move on na ako?

Tinawanan niya lang naman ako nang tinawanan at pinanood ko lang siya. It was still a sight to see, but given the current situation, next time na lang ang admiration, acads muna Mukhang na-gets niya yung itsura ko kaya nagseryoso na siya sa pagtitig sa makahiya. "Oo na po. Ito na, ito na. Mag-o-observe na."

I hid a smile. "Good. Kasi kailangan nating maging attentive para precise 'yong pag-stop natin sa stopwatch para makuha yung time na—" Natigil ako sa pagsasalita nang makita kong bumubuka na naman ang makahiya. "No!"

"Bakit no?" rinig kong tanong ni Nex kaya automatic na humampas ang kamay ko sa kaniya. "Aray ko naman!"

"Ikaw kasi eh!" paninisi ko. "Ayan tuloy. 'Di ko naabutang bumubuka in action 'yong mga leaflet ng makahiya. Uulit tuloy tayo ng observation for this trial." Napabuntonghininga na lamang ako.

Naramdaman ko naman ang pagtapik niya sa balikat ko. "Relax, Had. No worries. We can just start over."

"But—"

"—Uhhpp!" He placed the tip of his finger on my lips, and I had to stop myself from blushing as I felt my heart beating fast and loud. "We have all day to do this, okay? No need to rush things. Here, watch."

As soon as his gaze went to the plant, I blinked a lot of times and tried to calm myself. I was still staring at him, not sure what to feel and what to do next. After taking deep breaths, I was finally able to collect myself and turn to the breathtaking view of our plant. I couldn't hide the amazement on my face as I watched its leaves fold, acting so shy with just a single, gentle touch.

"According to a literature I have read," I turned my head in his direction. Kung nakakapagsalita lang ang makahiya, baka nainis na siya kay Nexus dahil inagaw niya ang atensyon ko nang ganon kabilis, "nasa four to five seconds lang daw ang itinatagal ng makahiya para totally mag-fold 'yong leaflets nito. This rapid folding is achieved dahil daw sa change in turgor pressure sa cells ng plant—so, the phenomenon is characterized by the concept of turgidity and osmoregulatory effect."

He then faced me. It wasn't just his words that amazed me and caught my complete attention, but also the way he said it. Nexus looked so indulged with the topic as if he was talking about his favorite scene of his favorite novel. He looked so interested, genuine, and at peace that I could not stop myself from staring at him.

"Would you like me to explain more?" I let out a smile and nodded earnestly. "Very well. Bale, 'yong turgor pressure na reason ng pagtiklop ng dahon is actually 'yong water pressure do'n sa cells ng makahiya. This water pressure pushes up against the plant's cell wall, and when this pressure is high, nagiging mas rigid 'yong cell. Ngayon, kapag nakaramdam ng stimulus 'yong makahiya — for example: touch — magkakaroon ng change sa concentration gradient ng ions, specifically potassium and chloride ions, do'n sa cell ng makahiya. 'Yong water, na siyang tumutulak sa cell wall, ay magmu-move out of the cell through osmosis para maremedyohan, per se, 'yong change of ion gradient concentration. Kaya tumitiklop at nagiging flaccid 'yong leaflets ng makahiya kapag nahahawakan."

"That's..." I turned to the makahiya plant as I took in his words. "...amazing." It's just like us, humans.

I heard him chuckle. "I know, right? Parang tao lang din naman ang makahiya."

Agad napaangat ang kilay ko. Parang kasasabi ko lang nun ah. What a coincidence... thinking of the same thing.

Itinuloy naman ni Nex ang sinasabi niya. "Gaya ko, gaya mo. Gaya natin. Nagpapaka-rigid lang naman tayo dahil sa nararamdaman nating pressure sa buhay. We bloom in our finest fits every day, trying to look beautiful and pleasing, not knowing the pressure that pushes us which, ironically, also keeps us going." My heart began to change its rhythm, listening to the words leaving his mouth. "There's this concentration of desire in our being to continue pleasing others, a gradient that we want to satisfy the desires of other people as they thought of us. Pero, once na mahawakan tayo — and I mean, touch as in when someone empathizes with us, trying to ask how we've been doing through the course of our walks in life — we tend to... fold. We tend to shy away. Suddenly, this heavy pressure just... goes away, even for a little while. We become... more vulnerable."

My heart skipped a beat. Every word he's saying begins to seep deep into my soul. Words were like puzzle pieces falling down in their right places.

"You know, according to the same literature I have read, 'yong pagbubukas daw ulit ng leaflets ng makahiya can take anywhere from tens of seconds up to ten minutes. That feels like a lot of time." It really is. "Parang tayo lang din. It takes time for us to... open up — with all the pressure that has been building up on us."

Pressure... At that time, I felt pressured because of our differences. I did not want to confess because he was someone huge, while I was the opposite. People adore him, and I was just one of those people.

Then Jackie came into the picture, providing me with a lot more pressure. Pressure to not let me confess, to make myself hide my feelings for him.

But those same pressures made me want to burst even more. To actually let you know that I am here. I have fallen for you.

I blinked, erasing those thoughts in my head, but I ended up staring directly into his eyes. We were filled with silence — not the awkward one that I would most of the time feel towards other people but comforting. Not to mention the warmth enveloping both of us as we get drowned in our own thoughts. This... It feels so... captivating.

"Ang..." galing mo. Pinapaalala mo na naman sa akin kung bakit at paano ako nahulog sa 'yo, at nakakainis 'yon. I snickered at that thought. "You should write a book, Nex," I said instead of the ones in my thoughts, pairing it with a chuckle that he then matched.

"What? Anong pinagsasasabi mo?"

"Wala lang. Ang poetic ng mga sinabi mo. It is almost as if I was reading it from a novel I have finished long ago. Ang wisdom-ful—something that I would've annotated right away," I pointed out. I could feel how I loosened up with the flow of this conversation.

"Talaga?" Napangiti naman siya. "Oh sige nga, kung i-a-annotate mo 'yong mga sinabi ko, ano'ng ilalagay mo?"

I thought about it deeply, pulling my gaze back to the still-folded plant. There were a lot of things to consider, but since I wanted to say the right words, I felt challenged. "Siguro... ilalagay ko siya sa context ng pag-o-observe natin ngayon ng makahiyang 'to."

I noticed his movement which made me turn to him and see his adorable position. Nexus then nodded a little. "Go on."

"Sabi mo 'di ba, mabilis tumiklop ang makahiya?" I started. "Kapag nahahawakan, dahil sensitive nga, parang bigla na lang siyang... uhm..." It's at the tip of my tongue but I couldn't seem to grab a hold of it. "What's the word?"

"Parang bigla na lang kumukubli," he patiently answered. He looked so serious listening to me that it somehow made me nervous under his gaze.

"Yeah. I-I think that's it." My tongue clicked. "Anyways, alam mo naman 'yon. Nakikita natin, with our very own eyes—"

"—Our very own eyes talaga?" pag-eepal niya. "Pwede ba natin siya makita with the eyes of the others?" Sinabayan niya pa talaga ng tawa kaya tiningnan ko na lang siya. Nakita nang nagse-seryoso rito yung tao tapos gaganito pa. 'Di ko naman siya ginanito kanina nung nagdi-dialogue siya ah? Mukhang napansin niya ang itsura ko kaya natigil siya saka pasimpleng umubo. "S-Sorry. Sige, tuloy."

Napabuntonghininga naman ako saka tumuloy. "Nakikita natin... personally. Ayan. Ganiyan na lang." Ngumisi siya na s'yang nagpaikot ng mga mata ko. "Nakikita natin personally kung pa'no talaga siya natiklop. Pero 'di ba? Kung iisipin mo... Ang rare ng chances na makita natin siyang bumubuka. Kaya nga medyo challenging 'tong pag-o-observe natin eh," reklamo ko na ikinatawa namin pareho. "Pero... hindi naman imposibleng makita nating nag-o-open up ang makahiya, 'di ba? What we just need is... patience."

The last word almost left my mouth as a whisper. Sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan ay para bang ang bigat ng epekto sa akin ng salitang 'yon. Parang may isang side sa isip ko na may gustong i-push na idea pero at the same time, may pumipigil naman sa kaniya.

"Kagaya ng makahiya, kapag vulnerable ang isang person, it would really take time for them to open up in the presence of... another person. Siguro, halimbawa..." I can't believe I could muster up the courage to use this as an example. "Kapag may feelings ka para sa isang tao..." I simply took a breath in. "When the person you have feelings for touches your heart in ways you can't even imagine, you tend to... shy away. Tumitiklop ka. Nagtatago ka. And the only thing you would want them to do is... to wait for you to open up to them — in hopes na may gusto rin siya sa 'yo."

Could you understand these words I'm saying, Nex? Itong mga salitang hindi ko kailanman kakayaning sabihin sa'yo nang harap-harapan. Itong mga sitwasyong ginagawa kong halimbawa pero ang totoo ay gusto ko talagang mangyari.

"Pero, kung 'yong taong 'yon ay walang patience at lumingon kaagad sa iba, baka 'di niya madatnan kung pa'no ka mamukadkad, kung pa'no ka mag-open up. It would be too late for the both of you." We both looked at the plant who seemed to be intently listening to us. "Pero kapag 'yong taong 'yon ay naghintay at hindi inilihis ang tingin sa makahiya para sa iba..."

Slowly, the leaves of the makahiya began to spread, and I couldn't help but stare at it in awe as if it were one of the seven wonders of the world. Beautiful. The scene was so beautiful that I could not spare a second to blink.

With how this plant opened up carefully, I could not help but think as if I was it. When Nex began to touch my heart, I instantly shied away. I closed all my doors, not letting him reach me. And it took me a lot of time to slowly open up... so slow that it turned out to be way too late.

It made me think that maybe... if I was only a day earlier, a minute, or even a second, I wouldn't have felt regretful about this situation. That maybe... Nexus would have been able to see me. That maybe... he really would have liked me too.

This continuous flow of regrets, questions that might never be answered, was lurking in my head. Nevertheless, I know the ending to all of it, and that itself is heartbreaking for me.

"You'll never know when a person would open up to you unless you waited, kept patient, and put yourself up with them." Ah... This emotion feels heavy. I still can't handle it very well. Even though I did not want to think of it, there would still be small thoughts and somehow, in this situation, I actually wanted to say them out loud. So, I tilted my head to look at him, saying the words I once badly wanted to tell him before. "Kaya, Nex, sana nakaantabay ka." Ang daming sana pero ang pinakanangunguna ay ang... "Sana... kinaya ko ring mag-open up."

"H-Ha?"

I blinked at his reaction. Did I say that out loud? Agad kong naramdaman ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. Goodness! Did I really say that? I unconsciously bit my lip, chuckling at that realization. Mukha namang hindi niya rin narinig, kulit ng itsura eh. Nanggigigil akong napakurot sa tagiliran niya. "Ang sabi ko bantayan mo kasi 'yong makahiyang mag-open up!"

Tawa lang naman nang tawa si Nexus na may kasamang aray — deserve niya naman kaya tinuloy ko pa. "Aray!" isa pang reklamo niya. "Okay, okay. Tama na. Babantayan na nga po nang maigi."

Natawa na lamang ako saitsura niyang akala mo eh inapi. Umakto pa akong nananaray at inikutan siya ngmga mata, pero may ngiti pa rin sa mga labi. "Goody good." Our eyes then metagain, and a weird comforting silence and warmth once again filled the atmosphere.As much as I wanted this moment, this feeling, I knew I shouldn't get used toit, so I was the first one to pull my gaze away. "Tama na 'yang kalokohan! Nexttrial na!" This feeling... I know it'slimited... but for the time being... I'll just cherish it.

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