Hindi na maalala ni Zed ang huling beses na umuwi siyang hindi pagod. Dahil malapit na ring magsimula ang bagong season, ang huling season na maglalaro siya sa university league, halos wala na siyang pahinga.

Interviews, shoots, practices, meetings, and academics—these were his routine for the past few months since the class started. Magaan na ang load ng academics dahil nakuha na niya ang mahihirap na subject noong summer.

Bigla niyang naisip si Adi.

Dalawang linggo na rin simula nang huli silang magkita. Busy siya, busy ito. Ni hindi nga ito nagre-reply kapag nangangamusta siya at hinahayaan niya dahil alam niyang ayaw nitong kinukulit.

He would still send good morning messages, and Adi would reply, but that was the end of it.

And he missed the bond. He would never deny that. Kahit teammates niya, nagtatanong tungkol kay Adi simula noong concert. The video of the screen even went viral, and he felt guilty that Adi received some backlash because of it.

Sa ilang nabasa niya, mayroong mga nagsabi na professor na si Adi, dapat ay iniiangatan ang imahe. May ilan namang ipinagtanggol sila, sinabing nasa edad naman at walang nilalabag na kahit na ano.

But not everyone was as understanding.

Kinausap naman niya si Adi tungkol doon, humingi siya ng sorry sa pagiging impulsive at binigyan siya ng assurance na wala namang problema dahil hindi rin naman daw ito tumanggi sa ginawa niya.

Zed exhaled and paused the video game. He stared at the screen, thinking about Adi. He was playing with his console, but his mind was elsewhere. Nagugutom siya, pero wala siyang maisip na kainin kaya ginawa na rin muna niyang busy ang sarili niya.

Dahil kung hindi, malamang na aalis na naman siya. Pupunta sa isang lugar na alam niyang kalmado ang lahat, tahimik, at kumportable.

Wala siyang gagawin buong weekend at iniisip kung saan siya pupunta. Hindi puwedeng nasa bahay lang siya dahil nakakainip at alam niyang hindi siya makatatagal. Tinawagan naman niya ang parents niya na posible siyang umuwi sa probinsya, pero hindi pa sigurado.

His parents were comfortably living in a province, almost five hours away from him. Nakabili kasi roon ang papa niya ng malaking lupa at ginawang retirement home. Maraming puno ng mangga ang nakatanim sa paligid, ilang greenhouse, at pond para sa hipon. Iyon ang ginawang businesses ng mga magulang niya.

Maagang nag-retire sa basketball ang papa niya dahil na rin sa request ng mama niya para maiwasan ang injury. Nagpatuloy naman sa pagdodoktor ang mama niya na namamasukan sa isang private hospital.

Bumaba ang tingin ni Zed sa phone niya at nakita ang nakabukas na message kay Adi. Kinamusta lang naman niya ito, pero walang reply. Base na rin sa oras, halos walong oras na itong hindi nagbubukas ng messaging app.

"Too busy," bulong niya sa sarili at ibinalik ang tingin sa TV.

It was almost eleven in the evening and he planned to just go and eat outside after his last game. Hindi na rin niya maalala ang huling beses na kumain siya sa loob ng condo dahil masyadong malungkot kumain mag-isa. At least sa labas, marami siyang nakikita.

His unit was too big for him and he had been here since he turned 18. Two-bedroom condo unit facing the university, huge living area with a balcony, and a kitchen he doesn't use.

He wanted a smaller one, since he was alone... but couldn't give up the unit. Too many memories, too many what-ifs.

Zed was glued to the screen when he heard a knock, unsure if he was tripping or what. He brushed it off until he heard another. Two subtle knocks, but enough for him to hear.

Ibinaba niya ang controller sa sofa at naglakad papunta sa pinto. Sumilip siya sa peephole at ikinagulat na nasa labas ng pinto niya si Adi. Hindi ito nagpupunta nang hindi siya ang nag-aaya o nagsasabi man lang.

He gave himself enough seconds to process if what he was seeing was real until he heard Adi's voice.

"Zed?" Adi murmured, followed by a knock.

Kaagad niyang binuksan ang pinto at nang magtama ang tingin nila ni Adi, tipid itong ngumiti. "Puwede ba akong pumasok?" pabulong ang pagkakataong. "Or maybe just stay a couple of hours then I'll leave you alone? Just..."

Hindi na pinatapos ni Zed ang sasabihin ni Adi. Niluwagan niya ang pagkakabukas sa pinto at inaya itong makapasok. Sinundan niya ito ng tingin at ngumiti nang ayusin nito ang pagkakalagay ng sapatos sa shoe rack, katabi ang basketball shoes niyang medyo magulo dahil hindi pa niya naaasikaso.

Adi faced him, and he immediately noticed how droopy her eyes were, her hair was neat but tied in a tight ponytail, and her mouth parted a little. He knew something didn't sit right. Not because Adi said anything, but because she didn't. Hindi siya sinita tungkol sa shoe rack.

Zed exhaled and turned off the television, then faced Adi, who followed his movement with her eyes.

"Gusto mong maligo?" he asked. "Pasok ka na lang sa bathroom. Kuha lang ako ng bagong towel at damit."

Before Adi could protest, Zed left her in the living room, holding her bag. Yumuko siya at malalim na huminga. She didn't know where to go. Everything just felt so... heavy. Hindi na rin niya alam kung ano at saan ang pinanggagalingan ng nararamdaman niya, she just needed company.

And Zed was the only person she thought.

Iniwan niya ang bag sa sofa. Nakita niya roon ang controller ng console, malamang na naistorbo niya ito. Gustuhin man niyang umatras at umalis para maiwanan itong mag-isa, hindi naman niya gustong siya ang mag-isa.

Pumasok siya sa bathroom, tinanggal ang mahigpit na pagkakaipit ng buhok niya dahilan para gumaan ang pakiramdam niya. Humarap sa malaking salamin, tinitigan ang sarili, at kaagad na napansin ang lamlam ng mga mata niya.

"Adi?" Bumukas ang pinto ng bathroom. "Towel, clothes, and extra toothbrush."

"Thank you," bulong niya.

Zed gave her a nod before closing the door. She stared at the things Zed gave her and started stripping. Just this one night. Just one night to be this vulnerable and promised that tomorrow would be another day.

Pumasok siya sa loob ng shower at napatitig sa shampoo ni Zed. It was the same as hers. Same brand and same variant and color. Kahit naman kasi nagkakaroon sila ng session dito, hindi siya pumapasok sa shower area.

Kung tutuusin, dapat hindi na siya magulat. Naaamoy naman niya, eh. But seeing it was a confirmation that they were using the same shampoo.

Adi stood under the shower, the cold water hitting her shoulders, her back, her face. She didn't reach for the knob to make it warm. She let it sting. It kept her awake.

She closed her eyes and let the water flow, thinking what went wrong.

She loved teaching. She still did. She loved the quiet before class started, the way students listened when something finally made sense. She loved explaining things until the confusion softened. That part of her hadn't disappeared.

What disappeared was her energy.

Sobrang nakakapagod na halos pilitin na lang din niya ang sarili niya araw-araw para sa trabahong minsan niyang minahal. She even gave up something more important for this.

Adi used to like being around people. She used to stay after class, laugh in the faculty room, and say yes to small talk. But recently, everything felt exhausting. Murmurs after murmurs drained her. The day ends, and she just wanted to go home. She wanted silence. She wanted to be alone.

Something shifted after the last confrontation with a faculty member, telling her about being everyone's favorite. Hindi naman iyon ang gusto niya. Hindi naman niya iyon hiniling.

...pero hindi rin naman niya kayang baguhin kung ano ang nasa isip ng iba.

But lately, Adi felt like a visitor in her own job. Like she didn't belong in the halls she walked every day. She replayed conversations in her head, again and again, searching for the wrong tone, the wrong word.

Baka hindi siya gusto ng iba?

Baka kasi may nagawa siyang hindi naman dapat, pero hindi niya alam kung ano?

Baka may nagagawa siyang mali, pero bakit walang nagsasabi sa kaniya directly at nagagawang pag-usapan?

Nanikip ang dibdib niya dahil sa mga naisip.

Kinukuwestyon na rin niya ang sarili niya dahil wala namang dumiderekta sa kaniya, pinararamdam na lang. Ni hindi na siya masyadong nai-invite sa lunch dahil baka raw busy siya o may iba siyang plano.

Wala.

Wala naman, eh.

Wala naman siyang ginawang masama... or maybe she was just convincing herself that she didn't do anything wrong.

She stayed there a little longer, letting the water decide for her, until her thoughts finally grew quiet enough to breathe.

Isinuot niya ang oversized shirt at short na ibinigay ni Zed. Nothing underneath. It's not like he hadn't seen her naked. Hindi naman siya naiilang. Basa pa ang buhok niya, lumabas siya ng bathroom. Alam niyang natagalan siya. It was her intentions, too.

Lumingon si Zed paglabas niya. "Blower? Meron ako."

"Yes, please."

Sinundan niya ng tingin si Zed na pumasok sa loob ng isang kwarto at paglabas, hawak nito ang blower at suklay. Ito na rin mismo ang nagsaksak sam ay sofa at tinanong kung kailangan niya ng tulong.

Natawa siya sa tanong nito, pero tumanggi siya.

"Sorry for coming unannounced and—"

"Ba't ka nagso-sorry?" Nakatayo si Zed sa tabi ng TV. "You can stay here anytime you want. Kung ayaw mong may kasama, pero trip mo rito... puwede naman akong umalis saglit."

Nakatitig siya kay Zed. Suot nito ang simpleng puting t-shirt na mayroong maliit na brand logo sa kaliwang dibdib at itim na shorts. Naka-slides at medyo magulo ang buhok.

"This unit is too big for me and you can stay if you wa—" Tumigil ito sa pagsasalita nang marinig ang katok mula sa main door. "Dumating na 'yong order kong dinner. Hindi pa rin ako kumakain, eh."

Adi looked down and smiled. She started drying her hair while staring at the television and could see her reflection. Dumating si Zed bitbit ang isang malaking paper bag at plastic mula sa convenience store.

Hindi na ito kumibo at isinalansan ang mga pagkain sa coffee table. Naamoy niya ang miso soup dahilan para kumalam ang sikmura niya. Sunod na inilabas ang dalawang bowl ng ramen, iba't ibang klase ng sushi at sashimi, kaarage, at matcha ice cream. Mula sa convenience store naman ay coke zero, isang malaking pack ng gummy bear, Lay's na classic, at isang box ng condoms.

"Just in case..."

Imbes na mainis, mabastusan, o ano... malakas na natawa si Adi habang nakatingin kay Zed na nakaluhod sa carpeted floor. Malapad itong nakangiti, nakagat ang ibabang labi, at hindi inaalis ang titig sa kaniya.

"Destress ba," anito bago tumayo at isa-isang inasikaso ang basura.

Her smile faltered when she realized that they were together whenever she needed to destress. She would contact him if he was free, ask if they could, and wouldn't spend much time except during the study session.

Zed automatically knew what she needed from the bath, to the food in front of her, and sex.

"S-Sorry," Adi looked down out of shame.

"Saan?" Zed split the chopsticks apart and gave it to her.

She exhaled. "Na nandito lang ako o nagkikita lang tayo kapag—"

"Don't think much about it," Zed stopped her. "I like that you're here."

Adi stared at Zed longer than she meant. Zed said it simply, like it was an obvious thing.

"I like that you're here," he told her. Again. "Kahit na manood lang tayo, okay na."

And that was when it hit her.

The heaviness she'd been carrying all day softened whenever Zed was near. The noise in her head lowered its voice. She didn't have to smile or be the best version of herself. She didn't have to explain why she was tired or why she couldn't even say a word. With Zed, she could just exist.

Adi let out a small breath, half a laugh, half a surrender.

Zed, on the other hand, stayed close. As much as he wanted to know more, he kept the words to himself. He held back, knowing that pushing Adi would only pull them apart.

And after months of spending time, he didn't want to stop what was starting. He wanted to take things slow now, not fast... even if it meant taking breaks despite wanting to be with her.

"Kain ka na," Zed gave Adi a sushi. "Sleep here. Please?"

Adi gazed at him. "Okay lang?"

"Sobra."

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T H E X W H Y S
www.thexwhys.com