taehyung woke up the next morning next to jungkook.

the bed was certainly a little bit too small for the two of them to share, but neither boy seemed to mind. jungkook stirred awake not long after taehyung awoke.

"good morning," he said.

"did you sleep well?" taehyung gently pulled away the covers, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

"as well i ever do."

jimin's bed was empty and already made. they must have overslept.

they went to the kitchen together to find everyone seated and already half way done eating. "you guys overslept," hoseok said. "cuddled together until you fell asleep, huh?"

both boys scoffed and sat down.

"jungkook needed a hug, okay?" taehyung said.

"um, no," jungkook retorted. "taehyung needed a hug first. the reason why i even decided to talk to you was because you looked so utterly miserable."

seokjin watched in amusement. "we get it. you both needed a hug so you cuddled. nothing wrong with teenage love, we get it."

"i guarantee you that it's purely platonic," taehyung muttered.

"no. it's love-hate," jungkook said.

he put a few pancakes onto his plate as taehyung only eyed the food on the table.

jungkook noticed but didn't comment.

namjoon did, however.

"you need to eat, tae. just try a little."

taehyung startled, glancing up at namjoon. "i'm not hungry."

he knew what everyone else was thinking. bullshit. you're hungry, you just don't want to eat.

"i'll be in my room," taehyung said. his voice was soft, vulnerable. "i'm not coming down for lunch later. i just... i can't."

he left.

* * *

dinner time came around and taehyung dragged himself back to the table.

he saw an array of food, along with a bowl of salad and a few apples along the table. those were for him to eat, because he needed to eat something to get better and fruits and vegetables were the easiest.

he sat down and slowly got himself a bit of the salad. there was a little bit of dressing on it, but taehyung decided it was his best bet to ignore it and just eat as little as possible.

usual conversations continued at the table, and taehyung only looked at the food on his plate, trying to decide whether or not he should eat. he was rather hungry, but eating just didn't seem necessary. he could skip one more meal, right?

no. he wanted to get better. for himself, for everyone else at the treatment home with him, he wanted to recover. he felt his hands get clammy, and he slowly, shakily picked up his fork.

he ate a piece of lettuce.

and then a grape tomato.

he chewed slowly, feeling his stomach churn at the dressing.

he swallowed, took a sip of water, and immediately realized how bad of an idea it was for him to eat.

taehyung stood abruptly, drawing in the attention of the five other boys at the table. he started to go to the bathroom.

needless to say, he didn't make it, and he fell to his knees and threw up all over the living room floor.

hot tears streamed down his cheeks, embarrassment filling his every being as he realized that namjoon was crouched down beside him and patting his back as jimin and jungkook rushed over with paper towels. seokjin and hoseok were also there, murmuring soft reassurances as taehyung cried over the mess he had made.

"i'm sorry," he said. "god, it smells like shit and the floor's disgusting, i'm sorry."

"don't worry about it," seokjin said. "worry about yourself. the floor doesn't matter one bit."

taehyung was hyperventilating, something vaguely like panic filling up every inch of his conscience as he spilled out teary apologies from his lips.

by the time the mess was cleaned up, taehyung had been ushered to the couch by the other boys and bogum had now come to get things back under control. taehyung didn't speak and sat staring at the floor with a dazed look in his eyes. eventually, bogum tucked him under a gray fleece blanket and left the room.

the others did the same, going to their rooms.

the last to leave was seokjin.

he sat by taehyung on the couch.

"taehyung, it's not your fault."

"yes it is," taehyung said. "i'm sorry."

"no, don't be sorry," seokjin insisted. "you did nothing wrong. recovery is tough, and you're trying; you're trying so hard. that's all you can do."

taehyung felt a fresh layer of tears surface in his eyes. his face was still puffy from having thrown up and cried. he didn't reply, afraid that he would start crying again if he were to speak.

"do you want to go to bed?" seokjin asked. "or do you want to stay here for a bit more?"

"i think i'll just stay here. you can go."

"are you sure?"

taehyung nodded and smiled a not-so-reassuring smile. seokjin got up, said good night and left silently.

* * *

taehyung woke up the next morning in his bedroom, which was weird since he could only recall falling asleep on the couch.

he sat up and stretched, feeling a low ache in his muscles. looking around the room, he found that jimin's and jungkook's beds were empty, blankets shed over the side messily. figuring he needed to go sit down for breakfast, he got up and left the room.

everyone sat at the table talking pleasantly. taehyung awkwardly slid into a chair by the corner, keeping his eyes downward.

"you feeling okay?" hoseok asked.

"yeah. i'm fine," taehyung said. "did someone take me to my room last night? i thought i fell asleep on the couch."

"namjoon took you upstairs," came jimin's reply.

"my insomnia kicked in last night so i had to get my pills."

"shouldn't have done that," taehyung murmured. i'm too heavy.

"it's fine; you barely weigh anything anyways."

bullshit, taehyung wanted to say. it was all bullshit.

the stupid lies people told him, the unfathomable idea of complete recovery, the painful mirage of happiness that he always got so close to but never managed to touch - it was all bullshit. where had this bullshit taken yoongi? to the fucking hospital after he slit his wrists. where had it taken taehyung? back to square one, throwing up involuntarily just because his body couldn't take food anymore.

taehyung stood.

"i'll be upstairs," he said, leaving before anyone could protest.

he felt his body slump into his bed as soon as he reached it. hunger clawed at his insides but he figured he would probably end up throwing up anyways if he ate. there was group therapy scheduled for the next day, and taehyung was supposed to go meet with doctor kim later that week; he really didn't want to do any of that, but that was how he was going to get better apparently.

recovery. it sounded so fake.

taehyung couldn't imagine himself at 60 kilograms, glowing and happy and eating healthily enough to keep himself sustained. he couldn't imagine calories becoming nothing but a stupid label on a box of food, nor could he imagine himself eating carelessly without thinking about those goddamned calories.

he vaguely remembered hearing from someone that after three years with an eating disorder, recovery was out the window and that the person would only be able to learn how to cope with it. would that be taehyung? would he learn to cope?

even that seemed unimaginable.

fake.

a/n:

this chapter was a mess anD iT litErALLy didn't even flow lol sorry. i couldn't come up with anything relevant so here we are.

i took four tests and wrote two essays this week but it's break now (for a week) so i should be able to update again soon.

thanks for reading!