SYNOPSIS:

The Lupus race has continuously struggled between humanity and the animalistic traits held by those who can shift. The New Law came about after Pack Law was abolished. People no longer felt the need to live so isolated from one another so boundary lines was removed and pack heritage slowly faded out. Kennedy and Jackie are twin sisters both living in the new world. Both have dormant wolf genes and identical in looks. Despite their similarities, the two girls were different in many ways. Kennedy loves to challenge authority when an opportunity presents itself. She doesn't roll over and play dead at the first signs of conflict. She's stubborn and will stand for what she thinks is right. Henry can shift. He's powerful and could make anyone's life hell. It's in his genes and heritage. People make sure he remembers that. Follow the twins and Henry through the new world which is about to change...

GENRE: WEREWOLF

Author: randomsweetstuff

Title: 4/5 - It doesn't sound like a werewolf book (which I kind of like, hence the rating) but at the same time, I have a few ideas about what it could be about. 

Cover: 4/5 - I love the cover. It has a claw mark that I instantly link to the werewolf genre. The cover itself is quite plain, but at the same time makes a statement. I like the placement of the text and the color used. Overall, a well created cover. 

Synopsis: 4/5 - You have an interesting blurb. I am immediately intrigued and I want to more about these characters and the world they live in. 

-I think it should be 'the girls are different in many ways.'

-Eh? Who the hell is Henry? This is the first time we hear about him. Maybe a little more info on who he is before you start to describe what he is like. 

-I was half expecting you to continue with the characteristic thing you were doing for Kennedy but then you jumped to this Henry dude.

Maybe you could do Jackie, too. Then go to Henry (whoever he is.)

Plot: 3/5 - I'm a tad confused. Why is Kennedy going back to Redford Academy if she just got kicked out of it? Unless this is a new/ different school. In which case, I suggest you tell us the name of 'the last school' and say than Kennedy had to go to Redford Academy. Because realistically, no school is going to take back a student they had previously kicked out.

-One second Henry is talking to the twins (who, like you mentioned before, are already seated in the chairs) and the next, he's walking through the hallway to the room as though the conversation with the twins never happened. This needs to be fixed up as there is a huge gap. 

-You need to introduce the werewolf thing slowly and not make it sound like an info dump.

It all feels a little rushed. Good/ more descriptions will definitely help with the pacing. 

Characters: 2/5 - I don't think third person narrative was the right choice for this. I feel like instead of focusing on one person and describing things in terms of what they see, you've just gone with the general. This chapter doesn't feel finished and that is mainly down to the characters. They feel flat. I have not connection to any of them. They aren't witty, funny or even interesting. I suggest you add more descriptions to give us more of an idea of what type of people they are and how they act.

You jump heads a lot. That confuses readers and usually it's not done like this. I suggest you try reading a few books that use the third person narrative and see how they do it. Maybe you could learn a few thing from them. Personally, I would suggest you go for published books than the ones on this site -while you could find a good book here, it is much better to be sure that the grammar and such are perfect before you use it as a template. 

SPG: 1/5 - The stuff in bold is where I have changed things or added the right/ missing punctuation.

-'she couldn't STAND TO SEE THE...' not 'couldn't standing the teacher...'

-'There had been ONE too many...away with it, even though she only...'

-'Her aunt' this needs to be lower case unless you give us a name. In which case 'Her Aunt Lillian blah blah blah.'

-You use pictures instead of describing things. This is a big no-no. It's supposed to be a book for literate young adults/ adults, not a children's book with pictures to describe scenes/ bags/ clothing choices.

-Your lack of punctuation after speech needs to be rectified. I see that someone has already pointed that out for you but I'll do it again anyway as it doesn't seem to me that you've followed what they said.

Okay, let's take the first one. 

"Girls you need to go" Aunt Lillian told them.

Firstly, we need a comma after 'girls' 

"Girls, you need to go" Aunt Lillian told them.  

Now, we add some punctuation. In this case, a comma.

"Girls you need to go," Aunt Lillian told them.  

Finally, to make this sound better, we add some description. 

Aunt Lillian braced her hands on her round hips and leveled a glare at the twins. "Girls you need to go," she told them. 

See how that flows better? So we look under that and see:

"No" they both sang.

Again, we need a comma.

"No," they both sang.  

After that, we need more description. What are the twins doing? Do they look up? Roll their eyes at their nagging aunt?

I'll leave that up to you. Do a similar thing throughout your chapters, changing it up every now and then and you're good. 

-'feel less than YOU'RE worth' you put 'your' but what you need is the 'you are' one.

-Expand your vocab, don't keep using 'told them' all the time. Switch it up. Use said. Or go check out synonyms.

-Remove the 'and replied' after 'Kennedy sighed' and put the whole thing on a new line. Also, fix up the missing punctuation.

Come on Kennedy, lets go," said Jackie.

Kennedy sighed and followed her sister. "At least I don't have to do this alone," she muttered. 

Another thing I wanted to point out, this doesn't link to what Jackie said, even though Kennedy is replying to her. So I changed it a little. 

-'The perks of being twins, one might say.'

-'smelt' the act of extracting a metal from an ore. What you're looking for is 'smelled'

-Please google the difference between:

they, there, their

your, you're

You make frequent mistakes when choosing the correct one. 

OVERALL: I did like the ending where Henry has decided that one of the girls could potentially be his mate. I also liked how it's not a cliched werewolf story as this is all about dormant genes and all. Never read a story like that, so props to you.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES (BUT IT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR PERFECT)

TOTAL RATING: 21/30