I heard footsteps coming towards my direction.  The forest around me was humming its dangerous notes as I sat there alone. The darkness of the evening was creeping through the trees which were standing around me like prison bars. The air could hardly travel though my lungs and I struggled to let it in…and out.

Peter emerged from between the trees and sighed as he walked over and sat down. I took in deep, calming breaths.

“You also needed to be alone, huh?”

“Mmm…” I shrugged.

“Well to be honest, right now, you look like you just want to run away from all of us. From this whole thing, from everything. From life even."

“Well you're not wrong. But who doesn't? The thing is, I'm too scared and confused to even figure out where the hell I want to go or am supposed to go. I don't really know what I want to do with myself.”

He shifted on his spot a few feet away from me.

“Well I don't know if you'd want my advice. But I just think you should think about- just imagine you were out of this forest, okay? Back in the normal world. What would bring you peace if you had it at this present moment? The life that would make you happy just thinking about it?"

“Happy…” I mused. “What is even happiness? Is happiness possible? Is it needed? Or is it–”

“I know that it's easier said than done and that humans don't usually do it successfully most of the time but truthfully, happiness is just a state of mind you create for yourself, Larry. It doesn't matter what's going on around you. I mean, it will, if you let it. But…no matter what happens, if you can like create this mindset for yourself–”

“So like, being delusional?”

He chuckled.

“No…well sort of.” I raised a brow at him. “What I mean is, if you're always depending on outside sources to make you feel happy then you might possibly never be happy.”

I picked up a small stone and started to play with it absentmindedly.

“But I was happy before. Before everything, the outside sources made me happy. I liked how things were.”

“Yes and when things start to go wrong, that's when you realize that it's the only way–”

“But that doesn't make sense! Why after things go wrong?”

“Because that's just how it is Larry. The thing is, whether before or after, we're supposed to learn how to be happy from the inside. And when you do that, everything from the outside sources becomes great, it becomes okay. And...you don't really have a choice. Except you want to stay unhappy forever.”

“You could just kill yourself.”

Peters face made a very funny expression that I couldn't help but laugh at.

“What?”

“You know that doesn't just solve all your problems right?”

“It kinda does.”

He narrowed his eyes at me.

“Have you ever…?”

I looked away. I had. But only one or twice. I'd never actually been really serious about it. But it was just then at that moment that I realized that I'd actually ever considered it. And I also realized that Peter didn't know I self harmed.

“You won't get it Peter. It's just not easy to try and become Mr Happy and Sunshine whether or not your whole world is crumbling around you. It's just not…”

“Lars, I know. I won't get it in a million years. And honestly I don't want to know how it feels but the thing is, every one of us humans have felt sadness. Yes of course, some people have experienced it more than the others but what matters is that if we let it take over us all the time, we'd just be slaves to our emotions.”

I sighed and reclined on a tree trunk.

“Okay, so how do I do it?”

“Well, there are many things. Gratitude for one. You have to be grateful because when you take the time to sit back and take note of all the things you have and enjoy, which are a lot, you won't even have time to think about the ones you don't have. Like for example, you're not disabled, you don't have cancer, you're alive. Although I know that these days that's not something people see as a good thing. But anyway.

“You need to surround yourself with positive people you love. People that make you forget. People that make life worth living because even if your happiness is caused by what's within, it helps if there are positive people like that around you. It makes it easier."

“What if I can't find them?”

“You can. You just have to try.”

“What if they don't want me?”

Peter sighed heavily.

“Okay, then you focus on things you love. Hobbies, your dreams and goals–”

“The only hobby I love is soccer and it's the only thing I see myself doing in the future but I can't fucking do that because if I go back my stupid ass parents are gonna force me to study medicine!”

“Okay. Then focus on the present. I know a quote that says, ‘living in the past is depression and living in the future is anxiety’ there's really no better, no safer place than the present."

His words sounded so helpful. Just like the therapists'. Just like the damn foster parents. And I'd tried. But it was not easy. It had never been. But maybe…I wasn't trying hard enough.

I knew the things he'd said were right. I understood it. I'd felt the short moment of happiness when I was laughing and goofing off with Peter and also with Tanya before. Talking with him and joking around made me feel normal again for while. I knew it helped. But for how long? If we left this forest, we won't talk again. I'd probably be found and put back into a foster home. I'll go back to square one. It was all temporary.

“But it's all temporary.”

It had been quiet for a while and Peter was lost in his own thoughts so it startled him a bit when I spoke.

“What?” he said blinking.

“Everything. Happiness. Emotions. Life. This clue hunt probably. Our stay here. Everything.”

He laughed quietly at me.
“Yes Larry. That's another thing. Change also stops us from being happy. No, not handling it well rather. Things would keep changing. And just like the next guy, the thought terrifies me as well. But you have to focus on the good side.”

“What if there's no good side to the change? Like your family member or loved one dying?”

He sighed. “I don't want to give an example because of course, I don't know how that feels but come on. It's not easy to be positive. Actually it's pretty fucking hard. But if we try it, a lot would change.”

I looked up and took a deep breath. I was ready to do all of this. I was ready to do anything I'd find in a corny self help book. Anything my therapists said. At least I wanted to be. But I just took a look at my life and realized that it's going to be fucking hard. Harder than normal. And normal was hard enough.

“Okay, so I'll try to be more outgoing. I'd talk to people, find these positive people I love. I'd put myself out there, focus on my goals and dreams I'd start being more grateful about things, become positive, what else?”

“That's already enough.”

“No, you don't get it. If I go back, I will be forced to go to my foster home or another one and then what? Let's focus on reality for a moment!"

“Is that the problem? The foster homes?”

“It's not just that but...I know. It's stupid.” My jaw clenched.

“It’s not. But…” Suddenly his eyes lit up as if he'd just found the next clue.

“Hey you know you could come live with us."

“What?” My brain whirled at this information.

“Yeah. You don't have to be adopted. You could just stay with us until you're old enough to live on your own. Tanya's parents would totally support you in your soccer ambitions the best they can. You could finish high school with us. Try to live a little, away from all that foster nonsense. It would feel like starting afresh.”

Tears had already welled up in my eyes and I was trying furiously to blink then away but more came. And then I let them spill down my cheeks.

“You'd actually…they'd actually do that?”

“Tanya's parents are really nice. They could do that. They've thought of adopting once but then couldn't do it. But just taking you in, feeding you, giving you a roof over your head and all that, they could do that. You could even get a job. Now I think of it, why didn't you get a job in your former–”

“They wouldn't let me.”

“Oh…those guys were really wonderful weren't they?”

I tried to laugh at his sarcasm but it came out as a scoff.

“If what you said is really true, I'd be so grateful, you know?”

He smiled and walked over to pat me on the shoulder.

“It's nothing. And hey let's keep this aside for now and go and look for the next clue. I'm thinking this one's gonna be more interesting than usual.”

“Ha, right,” I said getting up and cleaning my tears. Before we left, I gave him a proper hug. And I felt happy. I liked Peter. He was cool. A cosy flame burned in my chest as I thought of all he'd done to help me emotionally. If we'd ever left this forest, I hoped he'd become my best friend. At that moment I couldn't imagine a life without him. And then I began to understand what he meant by finding people who would make life worth living.

+_+_+
A/N

Do you find Peter's words helpful?