***Trigger warnings for drug cravings, thoughts of relapse, mentions of domestic violence, and implied sexual activity (no smut).***

Start the song. It's Survivor's Guilt by Coma Cinema.

The more updates about his family Josh received, the stronger his cravings became. He wanted to protect his little siblings, sure, but he also wanted all of this stress and anxiety to go away. That wasn't an option though, and that was incredibly overwhelming. Josh started smoking more to compensate for the lack of a more desirable drug to destroy his body with. He stopped eating unless he was forced to. He avoided talking to either of his girlfriends about it as much as possible. All he wanted to do was to pretend that none of this pain existed.

When Josh finally admitted that to Ashley one day as he was helping her clean up her tattooing station after her last client of the day had left, she seemed sympathetic enough. Debby would be home in half an hour, and he knew she'd try to help him too. She'd make him repeat a bunch of stupid sayings and talk about his feelings though, and that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted something quicker than that.

"I'm not giving you drugs, Josh," Ashley told him without looking up from the rubbing alcohol she was spraying across the counter and wiping away with a paper towel.

"I don't want drugs," Josh lied, making Ashley roll her eyes. "I just need a distraction. I need something to make me stop thinking about how much I want to shoot up."

"A distraction?" Ashley asked doubtfully. "And by that, you mean that you want me to find you something to watch on Netflix while you shoot up in the bathroom and think of an excuse to tell Debby about why you did it."

Josh was quiet for a moment, steeling himself to keep from giving into the part of him that immediately wanted to tear the bathroom apart in case Ashley's dope was hidden in there. She hummed disappointedly as if she saw the thought run through his head.

"What if I did something that wasn't dope or crack," Josh bargained.

Ashley laughed humourlessly. "Like what, Josh? What would you do that wouldn't just open the door for you to use something else?"

Even though Josh knew it was a loaded question and that he wasn't being logical, he still blurted out, "Klonopin."

"No," Ashley replied without missing a second.

"Why not? I'm not addicted to Klonopin," Josh insisted as he followed Ashley around their diminutive kitchen.

"No," Ashley repeated without any further consideration. She carried her tattooing equipment to the tiny hall closet and tucked them away. "You aren't using anything. That's just going to lead to another relapse, and we both know it."

"But-" Josh started to argue.

Ashley ignored him, closing the closet before grabbing his hand and leading him to the living room. She pushed him down onto his back on the couch before turning on the television. He watched a bit helplessly as she started some show that he didn't care enough to even read the title of. He just kept pouting at her, knowing full well that Ashley was the last person who would ever give in to something she didn't want to do.

Josh was just opening his mouth to plead and complain some more when she pulled her leggings off, her underwear coming down with them. She stepped out of them before climbed up to sit on his bare chest. He watched in surprise as she felt his cheeks, making a slightly distasteful face as she did so.

"I hate when you do this with a fucking beard, but go ahead and distract yourself, I guess," she grumbled out.

Josh raised an eyebrow. "Dude. You're so fucking furry down there. How the hell can you even tell when I have a beard?"

"Lesbian magic," she replied simply. "Do you want this distraction or not?"

"Yeah, I'm in," he decided easily, already shifting her off of his chest and onto his face.

---

Although Josh was pretty sure Ashley was doing her very best to pretend she was more interested in her stupid show than in what Josh was doing between her legs, he made her cum three times before Debby came home. Josh heard the door open and close, followed by Debby's laughter although Ashley's thighs were squeezing his ears pretty tight.

"Oh, thank god," Ashley said breathlessly, climbing off of Josh's face and off of the couch as soon as Debby came in through the front door. "I can't distract him anymore. His tongue is magic, but my cunt's gonna fall off if he touches me with it again today."

Debby laughed as she gave their girlfriend a sympathetic smile. "Welcome to my life," she told Ashley amusedly.

"Next," Josh requested, reaching out to Debby without moving off of the couch.

"Gross," Debby commented amusedly. "Why is Ashley distracting you by sitting on your face exactly? Wow, and she's doing it while you have a beard? Must be serious."

"He was trying to rationalise using drugs that he's technically not addicted to, so I sat on his face instead," Ashley told her from where she was still lying in the floor with her arms folded and draped across her face.

"Oh," Debby commented worriedly, no longer laughing. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Josh groaned. "No. I don't want to talk about it. I need distractions. I need to focus on something that isn't a drug, and to keep my mind there for a while."

"Okay, well, it takes a lot to destroy Ashley like that, so I'm pretty sure you'll get lockjaw if I sit on your face at this point," Debby pointed out to him, making him groan frustratedly again despite how much his jaw really did ache. "But I think you should go for a run. You used to run all the time when you were getting sober last time, and it was really helpful."

"How do I know I won't run to your dad's house and get high?" Josh challenged.

His girlfriend hesitated before saying, "I'll run with you. I'll help you stay accountable. If you're going to distract yourself, do it by doing something that's good for you. I'm sure developing a sex addiction to replace all of the other shit you've got going on sounds like a good idea right now, but it's a better idea to not do that."

"You used to run?" Ashley asked from the floor. Josh shrugged on the couch, and she hummed contentedly. "That's kind of hot, to be honest."

Josh laughed at how annoyed Ashley looked with herself when she dropped her arms down at her sides, and Debby rolled her eyes although she was smiling. Josh looked at Ashley and informed her, "I used to do a lot of shit when I was getting sober. I boxed too. That was fun. I should do that again."

"Yes," his girlfriends both agreed without hesitation.

He raised an eyebrow, smirking slightly. Debby looked to Ashley though. "Josh is so hot when he boxes. You have no idea."

"I hate myself for being turn on by the idea, but I'm also totally willing to buy him a gym membership if it means I get to watch him punch shit," Ashley replied regretfully.

"You're sounding straighter with every passing second," Josh teased Ashley with a smirk.

"Fuck. You're so right," Ashley responded, looking horrified. She looked up at their girlfriend. "Princess, you need to sit on my face right now before this gets any worse. I will drive him to the fucking gym the second you finish as long as you sit on my face for a minute."

"Deal," Debby agreed, already pulling her panties down her legs beneath her skirt as she stepped out of her heels and walked over to her girlfriend. Josh whined since she'd refused to sit on his face, but shut up quickly when Debby pointed out, "Come on, baby boy. You can distract yourself by watching."

Josh huffed. "Fine."

Debby laughed as she unzipped her skirt and slid it down her legs. Both Josh and Ashley were watching her with equal interest. They made eye contact after a moment, and Josh knew he and Ashley were on the same page. His theory was proved correct when Ashley pulled Debby into her lap and helped her out of her shirt and bra, leaving her completely naked.

"This seems unfair," Debby pointed out. "I'm the only naked one."

"Ashley's naked from the waist down," Josh pointed out.

"Josh hasn't worn a shirt in three days," Ashley provided.

Debby shrugged. "Fair enough." She giggled when Ashley laid her down on the carpet before crawling down between her legs. "Promise you'll take him to the gym after?" Debby asked Ashley seriously.

"I swear on my life," Ashley replied distractedly.

The rest of the conversation died out rather quickly when Ashley's face disappeared between Debby's thighs. True to her word though, she had Josh to the gym within twenty minutes of re-emerging. Debby came along, and as much as Josh's body was still killing him, it felt nice to be able to run again. It felt nice to be able to box. It felt nice to sweat for reasons unrelated to detoxing.

---

They all showered together when they got home. The endorphins running through Josh's body were muted, but they still made everything feel so much better. Debby was just as energized from working out, and Josh was pretty sure Ashley had shot up since they got home despite not having seen her do it. They were all in good moods tonight, singing Bad Company songs loudly into soap bottle microphones.

Even when they collapsed into bed, they were still laughing and enjoying how much easier their relationship felt this time around. Josh finally felt like he could actually learn how to be a good boyfriend now that he wasn't wavering in and out of consciousness all the time. This all felt like a fresh start, and he was obsessed with that feeling.

However, his optimism fizzled out when his girlfriends fell asleep. He stared at the ceiling as familiar cravings and urges washed over him. After about twenty minutes of that, he slipped out of bed, grabbing Debby's phone off of the dresser as he left the bedroom and went out into the living room.

He unlocked her phone as he sat down on the couch, shifting to lie down as he started to type in his mom's number. A crinkling sound emitted from somewhere beneath him, so he sat up and shifted the pillows to find whatever food Ashley was going to get in trouble for leaving on the couch. He stopped though when he saw a paper bag tucked covertly between the couch cushions. He pulled it out shakily, already knowing full well what he'd just discovered. Still, he looked inside of it as if he wasn't sure, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw the little plastic bag of brown powder, scorched spoon, syringe, and lighter.

Josh looked over his shoulder at the closed bedroom door, feeling his heart start to thunder in his chest. He knew he had two options here. He could either put it back where he found it and go back to sleep, or he could do what he wanted to do more than anything else in the whole world. His hands were shaking as he stared at the contents of the bag for so long that the sweat from his palms made the paper damp.

He squeezed his eyes shut, preparing himself for just a second before standing from the couch, carrying the bag with him back to the bedroom. Knowing he wouldn't be able to hold out from relapsing much longer when he was holding the ingredients for liquid heaven in his hands, he shook awake the first girl his hand touched. Debby blinked tiredly, starting to complain when he dropped the bag down in front of her.

"I found this in the couch. I need you to hide it from me," Josh told her in a strangled voice.

Debby sat up then, suddenly seeming to be fully awake as she looked inside of the bag. Every muscle in Josh's body was tense when she looked back up at him. "Lay down. I'll take care of it. Thanks for telling me. I'm so proud of you, baby boy," Debby whispered to him sincerely as she climbed out of bed.

Josh nodded stiffly, climbing back under the covers as he watched her leave the room. He wrapped his arms around Ashley's sleeping form and drew her in closer as he squeezed his tear-filled eyes shut.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," he muttered earnestly into thin air. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." He repeated it over and over again until he felt Debby climb back into bed behind him, making him the little spoon as she pressed a gentle kiss to the back of his neck.

"Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start looking for somewhere for Ashley and me to move," Debby whispered, making Josh's muscles tense even more. "We're going to get out of your space, and we're going to take all of the things that could trigger you to relapse with us. We love you, Josh, but this isn't what you need. You're doing so well, and I don't want us to jeopardize that with our own problems."

"Debby-" Josh began fearfully, but she didn't let him finish.

"You won't have to be alone. I won't leave you here by yourself. I think you should have your mom and siblings come stay here with you so they're somewhere safe when your dad gets out. I think you should all have a fresh start," Debby reassured him gently. "You deserve one, Josh, and they do too."

Josh held his breath as he processed that. It didn't hurt as much as it should have. He knew she was right. He knew this relationship could only end poorly. He'd been strong enough to withstand relapsing tonight, but only barely. He didn't know if he'd be able to do that again if he needed to.

"I love you," Josh told Debby honestly.

She hugged him tighter. "I know. I love you too."

Josh swallowed hard before whispering, "Thank you for letting me get better."

He closed his eyes when he felt her soft lips press against the back of his neck. "I'm just returning the favour," she replied quietly. "Get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay," Josh agreed quietly although he knew he would likely still be awake and thinking about all of this for hours to come. He wanted to know where that bag was and how hard it would be to get it if he needed it. He wanted to not need it.