A/N: Hey all! So I figured it's reading week, I'm all caught up, I'll stockpile some chapters! And then I got the flu. So while my minds been a mushy mess for the past week, I hope you enjoy this chapter all the same :)

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"And the panic attacks seem to not have a trigger?" Maia asks me. She's blunt but kind and has a good personality. We're halfway through my appointment and as the time wears on, I'm finding it easier to talk to her.

"Well, not something concrete. It happens when I'm alone, though." I offer, taking a sip of the water she offered me. She nods, twisting a curl of her hair around her pencil before letting it bounce back into place.

"Do you fear being alone?" Maia suggests, leaning back into the cushion of her brown leather chair, crossing her long legs in front of her. She's clad in black jeans and white heels, a white blouse underneath a leather jacket. If anything, she looks so casual I'd never expect her to be a therapist. But she's damn good.

"Maybe. I've been feeling... off about my identity lately." I confess, shrugging.

"What about your identity?" I watch as she taps the end of her pencil against the armrest.

"Well, I've identified as bisexual for as long as I can remember. And it's never bothered me. But lately, the past few months, it's become obvious that it bothers others. I don't know if you've seen me in the news..." I trail off, glancing up at her. Nodding, she leans forward.

"I have. You and your boyfriend have had a rough time lately. I'm sorry about all the media, they can suck." I chuckle mildly and nod in agreement.

"You've got that right. And between them and some personal altercations, I just can't get over what I am. I know it shouldn't bother me- it never used to. I just don't know how to get over it." It's frustrating and I feel the tension in my chest. Sighing to calm myself, I look up at her.

"That makes a lot of sense. I want you to follow these exercises when the anxiety hits- let me know next week how it goes. I think you just need some time to come to terms with everything. And that's alright, Magnus. Time is an amazing thing."

***
"Do you have your passport?" I remind Alexander for the last time before we leave for the airport.

"Yes. And I have my phone and chargers." He assures me, pulling out the handle on his suitcase.

"Good. Now let's go, you and Mel have a plane to catch." Smiling, I grab his other bag, tossing it over my shoulder and leading him out of the apartment. He locks the door behind us and we make our way out to the car.

It's been two days since my appointment and it's been spent busily packing Alec's things. It's Monday now and he's all ready to go on his short tour to boost his career back into shape.

The drive isn't too far, and I reach over the console for his hand.

"Two and a half weeks isn't long," Alec says softly, his voice barely above the sound of the radio.

"No, it isn't," I assure, knowing he's panicking more than I am. For the first time in awhile, I'm back to being the confident one. It's a relieving feeling, to have some sort of control.

"And in two weeks you'll meet me in Berlin for my final shows." I nod and grin, keeping my eyes on the road, but I squeeze his hand twice. His fingers squeeze mine back and I relax even more.

Helping him with his bags, we make our way to security. Mel's waiting there with a smile, his long hair tied up in a bun on top of his head. I wave to him and set Alec's bag down beside me.

"Call me when you get in," I tell him. Nodding, he leans forward, kissing me gently. I can hear the faint clicking of cameras and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Figures, of course they'd be here. He announced his tour last week when we settled everything. Already he's nearly sold out every location. Ridiculous.

I'll admit it, though. When I was getting ready this morning, I spent a little extra time on my hair and outfit. I was sure there'd be someone snapping photos, and I'll be damned if I don't look my best. Alec is effortlessly gorgeous- highly unfair, might I add- and in his black beanie, black jeans and grey t-shirt, he looks as flawless as ever.

"I'll call you the second I land. Now shoo, you have to get to work too handsome." I laugh and kiss him once more before turning around. Glancing over my shoulder, I catch one more look at him as I walk away.

"I love you!" I call, watching the blush flood his cheeks as he breaks out into a smile.

"Love you too!"

Once I'm back outside, I can't keep the grin off my face. Everything feels normal again, sending him off, the cameras flashing, the summer sunlight beaming down on me as I slide into the car. I feel warm and content, and it's the best I've felt in awhile.

Once I arrive at work, I sit at my desk and pull out my sketch pad. It's been ages since I've designed. It took nearly a year to get all of my designs together for my Efflorescence line, and now that it's selling like wildfire, I need to get the ball rolling. If I can create another line for the fall, I'd be set, but if not, a spring line would do just fine.

Leaning back and tapping my pencil on the edge of the book, I let my mind wander.

Soon enough, I'm sketching out a design for fabric, imagining the colours mirroring those of Alec's eyes and the creamy soft colour of his skin. The ideas flow like warm butter and I smile a little to myself. Creativity has always been my thing, and lately, its been missing. Seeing my thoughts scratched out onto paper again feels like a small success that I'll gladly take.

***

It's been a week since Alexander went on tour. Between phone calls and text messages, we've managed to keep in touch. I've been busy laying out designs for the new line and filling orders on the current line that I haven't had time to dwell on being alone all that much.

Taking a long sip of coffee, I lean back in my desk chair and sigh softly, glancing at my paperwork in front of me. It's nearly all finished, and then I think I'll take a half day. I've been living off takeout since Alec's been gone, it's about time I go to the store, actually buy things to make a proper meal at least once.

As I reach for my pen, my cell phone rings beside my hand. Furrowing my brows, I see Alec's name on the screen. Funny, he should be having dinner right now before a show. It's nearly 6 in Marseille, where he is, a 6-hour difference from Brooklyn. Sliding to accept the call, I hold the phone up to my ear.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask, spinning my chair around and staring out at the city skyline. Alec hiccups into the phone and I can hear the strangled sobs in the back of his throat. Freezing, my hand tightens around the phone. "Alexander what's wrong," I demand, standing up and tensing.

"It's Max. Oh, God, Magnus. I need to come home." I don't understand what's going on, but I know that I need to get him a flight right now.

"Okay, okay, let's get you to New York. Has Meliorn looked into flights?" I ask, sitting in front of my computer and propping the phone against my shoulder as I type rapidly.

"No, he's packing everything, Magnus, there was an accident," his voice keeps breaking, his breathing shuddering and uneven and I wish I could hold him right now and make everything okay. Instead, I book him and Meliorn the fastest flight to JFK airport.

"Your flights are booked, the email will go to Meliorn any second. What accident, Love, tell me," I grip the armrest with my free hand as I hold the phone properly again in my right.

"He was in a friends car- they got hit, oh my god, I don't know if he's going to be okay," I try and calm him through the phone but I feel useless. The distance is aching right now.

"Love, I need you to calm down and head to the airport. Your flight leaves in an hour and a half, so you and Mel need to go now. I'm going to NYC now and I'll keep you updated. I love you. So much." I remind him as I gather my things. It's not much, but it's all I have right now, those three words. It's all I can offer.

"Okay. I love you." He barely manages to reply. We hang up not long after, and I'm overwhelmingly glad that Meliorn is with him. He's as calm, logical, and levelheaded as people come. I know he'll keep Alexander in check.

The elevator dings as I step out. Catarina looks up from her customer and gives me a confused look.

"I have to head to NYC. Alec's brother had an accident. He's flying back now, but I'm going to see what's going on." I explain quickly. Cat nods, worry filling her sharp features but I don't waste any more time as I speed-walk to the car.

Once I'm settled, I connect my phone to Bluetooth and call Izzy. As I start driving, she picks up on the fourth ring.

"Magnus, I'm so glad you called. Alec got a hold of you?" She sounds worn down, her voice rough around the edges as if she's been crying.

"Yes, but he didn't tell me much. I'm on my way to you now." I tell her, trying to take the best route to exit Brooklyn.

"Thank you. Max and his friend were in his friend's fathers car. They were heading to a soccer game. Someone ran a red light and-" her voice gets lost behind a sob and I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood. "They hit the side of the car. Max's side." I feel sick, as if I'm about to throw up, but I swallow it back and tighten my hands on the wheel.

"And Max? How is he?" I'm unsure if I'm prepared for the answer, but I need to know what I'm heading into.

"He's in surgery. Everything on the left side of his body is crushed," she pauses and I hear her take a steadying breath, become all business, much like her mother. "There's injury to his head, as well, but they don't know the extent yet. We're just...waiting."

"I'll meet you at the hospital. I won't be long." After hanging up, I take a deep breath and try to remain calm. Everything in me is panicking, but I need to be strong, for everyone. The drive feels short and long all at once as I pull into the hospital lot. Parking and paying for my permit, I take a moment to prepare myself.

As I walk into the hospital, I notice that the Lightwoods are nowhere to be seen.

"Excuse me, miss?" I ask a nurse at the round nursing station in front of me.

"How can I help you?" She looks up at me with warm brown eyes, soft blonde hair framing her face.

"I'm looking for the Lightwood family. They're waiting on Max Lightwood whose in surgery." Typing into her computer, she nods.

"Private waiting room. Down that hall, room A156." I thank her and head down the hall. It smells like antiseptic and stale peppermint but I ignore it, making my way to the waiting room. Through the glass window, I can see Maryse tucked against Roberts side. Izzy and Jace are sitting on uncomfortable looking chairs against the wall, staring at their hands, bracing for news.

I walk in, watching as Izzy lifts her head to acknowledge me. I offer her a pathetic, sad little smile as I walk over, engulfing her in my arms.

In this moment, everything else falls away, every fear and insecurity replaced with a different kind of terror. It clutches my heart and sucks the life out of the room, but it's more real than anything I've felt in a long time.

Taking my seat beside her, I wait. Wait for whatever comes next, just like everyone else. About an hour later, my phone rings. 

"Hey, love," I answer. Alec sniffles into the phone. 

"Any news?" He manages, though his voice is raw. 

"Just waiting, darling. Are you on your flight?" I keep my voice low, but I don't know why. I guess it's what you do in hospitals. Stay quiet. 

"Yeah, we're just taking off. I'll call you when we land." It's a 9-hour flight, which I hate. I want him here now, for both of our sakes. The familiar panic itches just beneath my skin and it takes everything in me to ignore it. 

"Okay, I love you," he replies and I hang up. This waiting, this silence, this nothing is enough to drive me crazy, but it's all we can do. So we wait.