surprise! i updated and phan is real, who knows what else will happen before I actually finish this book!!

♡

Snap.

It's almost comical to Phil, how easily the lock on the journal gives way. Everything up until now had always seemed so hard, costed far too much of the already dwindling amount of energy he still had. And yet, he barely had to squeeze the pliers before the metal sliced in half, almost as if it were a sign for him.

Carefully, he pries the broken lock out of its home. The metal feels cold against his fingertips, but the biting of the jagged edge of the lock's clasp almost feels warm against the numbness of his mind. The sensation makes him want to hold it tighter, just to see if some other feeling besides emptiness will surface.

He doesn't even realise he in fact has clutched the metal tighter until he sees a small drop of red fall onto the cover of the journal. Swearing softly, he switches the lock out for a tissue and blots up the blood from the book. He hesitates, uninjured hand already grasping the front cover, the action to open it half already in progress.

I shouldn't, Phil thinks to himself, it's wrong, it's not mine, it's personal. If I cross this line, he'll never trust me again.

It's almost enough to turn Phil away, but then the harsh words Dan spat at him flitter back to the front of his mind and a bitter taste fills his mouth. He shouldn't be worried about what Dan will think, he's not planning to be around long enough to even face the potential aftermath. He should feel indifferent, if anything, this is what is deserved. This is just him seeking justice, before he dies that is.

With a small movement and a light flutter, the book flips open, the well-worn pages settling under Phil's hand. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but opening the book felt anticlimactic. He was half expecting some sort of curse to pour out, or to be sucked into a vortex contained inside the covers, but it's ultimately just a book. His eyes travel down the the words which rest under his fingers and his brow creases slightly in concentration.

Like the opening of the book, it's not what he was expecting. Not at all.

Instead of some heartfelt stories, personal scrawlings, drawings, or even poems, there's just scattered sentences. They almost appear like quotes, but some are sentences, and others just a few words. Some have names, others just vague descriptions of someone, but in most cases, there's just some question marks. There's no fluency in the words, no structure followed, it's just the scribbles of a madman. That is, until he looks closer.

Hates her wife.
- ?

Lied about her qualifications.
- blonde lady at the bank

Cheating on their partner with their co-worker for the last 5 years.*
- Tom (bakery)

Then, further down the page.

*Has a child with co-worker.

And that's when Phil realises that he knows that name. Tom, from the bakery in town. A smiling, middle-aged man who marks his bread with a small leaf shape. And then he think of the other lady that works there, whose name he can't quote recall, but he knows she decorates the cakes he sometimes stops to stare at. And he knows she's not Tom's wife.

With trembling fingers, Phil flips through more of the pages, brain barely able to keep up with the rate his eyes are flying across the words, scanning for traces of familiarity amongst the fragments of gossip. There's so many people. So many secrets. Some are mundane, but others are enough to shatter people's lives, even potentially contact the authorities about. The more he turns through the pages, the worse he feels, but it's addicting and he can't stop, no matter how disgusted the feels at himself.

Phil pauses after he gets to a page containing many names of fellow students, and he wonders if these are even real, or if Dan is maybe deranged and has hallucinated a different reality for all these people. But if it is real, how has he even found all this information out? Did he bug people's homes? Install cameras? Stalk them? Are they in danger? Is he in danger now? His family?

Phil flips through the pages faster, more desperately, not bothered to pause at any names he recognises anymore. He's searching now, raking the words until he finds it, nestled in one of the most recent pages.

On the edge of suicide.
- Phil Lester

How the fuck did he know? Phil thinks desperately, hands beginning to shake and he takes his fingers off the page just to curl them into fists, nails forming half-moons in his palms. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't give off any signs - did I? Surely not. I smiled. I was the same. I was friendly. I'd barely spoken to Dan when...

When he'd stopped him.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

"Phil!"

It's Dan's voice, and Phil jolts up, head swiveling to the source of the sound. The knocks get more desperate, fading into a sort of dull, persistent thud repeating over and over and over. His eyes flicker to the broken lock, brain still swimming with all the muddled thoughts and confusion. He doesn't know what to do. Should he open the door? Ignore it until it goes away?

Phil's hesitation turns into minutes, and he eventually closes the book and abandons it on his desk before tugging open his front door. Dan is there, eyes red and cheeks stained with the tracks of tears which are still falling freely down his face. His hands are shaking, smudges of red where the skin has split open from the constant thudding against the door. He falls in slightly, as his arm swung forward with the momentum expected to be stopped by a wooden door, not to continue through thin air right into Phil's chest. Phil tries to ignore the splotches if Dan's blood left behind on his shirt as he catches his wrist and holds it tightly.

Dan looks up at Phil, eyes widening and emotions Phil can't quite unravel flooding his features. His hair looks so soft, and Phil's fingers twitch with the desire to wipe Dan's tears away. He briefly wonders if his skin would feel as soft as it looks, and if his flushed cheeks would warm his icy hands.

"Phil, I-" Dan's wavering, hoarse voice shakes Phil from his thoughts and he drops Dan's wrist, flushing slightly.

"Dan, look, now's not a very good time," Phil says, trying to sound dismissive.

He starts to close the door again, he just needs to get Dan away from him so he can think clearly, process and rationalise whatever the fuck is going on. He's stopped in his tracks when Dan lunges forward again, hand curling around the door so it's impossible for Phil to slam closed without hurting him. Dan's fingers are turning white from how hard he's gripping the door, making the red skin on his knuckles stand out more.

"No, Phil, just let me explain, please," Dan sounds desperate, the words almost blending together from how quickly he's speaking, "don't close it, just listen to me, please. I'm so sorry, for what I said."

"Yeah I- we can talk about that later okay? I need to you go now, let go of the door," Phil says, moving to try to pry Dan's fingers away gently.

When their hands touch, it seems to stir Dan out of his clouded state of deserpation and he actually looks up at Phil for the first time, brown eyes still glossy from the recent tears and Phil tries to ignore the way his heart seems to jump. He has to consciously swallow the lump in his throat and pulls his hand back away, but he has to catch himself from tipping forward when he realises Dan has let go of the door he was so desperate to keep open.

Just moments ago, Dan seemed so intent on reaching him, but his whole demeanor has shifted. The air feels cold and, although less than a meter away, Dan feels so distant all of a sudden, and it only increases when he steps back.

"I'll get out of your way then."

Dan's voice is robotic, his movements equally so as he turns and is out of sight before Phil even fully registers what happened. The door clicks shut and he just stares at the slab of wood for a few moments, searching for any answer on what just happened, and why Dan changed so quickly.

He's so confused, the million thoughts and questions he had earlier only serving to decrease his ability to comprehend the situation. He doesn't even think about chasing Dan, after all, he doesn't know why he suddenly took off.

Phil didn't notice the brief moment earlier, when Dan's eyes focused on words above his head which only exist for him. Where his betrayal lies, broadcast to the one person he needed to keep it from.

He doesn't know that Dan knows what he's done.

***

if you're still here, I applaud you and I'm sorry if my writing has gone to shit, the last time I wrote was when I updated this book years ago :")