His room is an absolute mess, his belongings strewn about everywhere to the point that his grey carpet isn't even visible.

Dan throws aside yet another sweater in his search and groans in frustration; fingers tugging at hair and huffs of anger escaping lips. He's lost his black journal - the one full of secrets.

Despite the fact that it's locked, Dan knows it wouldn't take more than a little snap to gain access to pages and pages of secrets. Why was he stupid enough to write it down, and then carry it around with him? It was basically asking for trouble.

Idiot.

He even fucking wrote his own secret in it - so whoever reads it can know it's his.

He knows it's stupid that he did that, but at the time, he thought it unfair that everyone else's secrets be recorded without his own amongst them. He's never regretted a moral decision more.

Dan sighs and swings his bag up over his shoulder before making his way out his front door. This is it, whoever has taken or found his book is going to expose him. He's going to be completely done for.

On the walk to school, Dan's mind is alive and pondering all the possible things that could go wrong if his journal was to be found and read. By the time he's halfway, he's so anxious he's unsure how he's physically still moving. He's not just worried for himself, but for every single person who's privacy he has unwillingly violated.

To distract himself, Dan watches every step he takes with eyes locked onto the ground, counting every thud of his foot inside his head. The dirty, weather worn concrete path isn't very interesting to watch but it's something, he just needs anything. Still counting steps as he goes, Dan moves onwards all whilst attempting to not have a complete mental breakdown because holy fuck his brain hates him.

HE WROTE HIS SECRET IN THE BOOK. 

Once he arrives at school, Dan nervously grips one of his bag straps, looking around. No one seems to be looking at him differently or talking about him, which is a positive. However, an overwhelmingly large negative is that somewhere in this small town is almost everyone's secrets condensed into a few pages, protected by a minuscule lock.

Dan spots Phil, sitting with his legs against his chest on an isolated bench. He looks lost inside himself and this is the first time that Dan has seen Phil look completely empty in school. Usually, he's full of light and spreading smiles, but now as he looks so tired and sad, those who would usually feed and thrive off his joy are simply walking past. Dan looks at the words above Phil.

torn between staying and dying.

Dan looks away sadly, wishing he couldn't see the words - they're more a burden now then they ever have been. It seems he has Phil's life in his hands.

Dan walks over and sits beside Phil, who doesn't even look over as he does. Dan moves closer, his left side is pressed against Phil's right. He nudges his arm and Phil's body rocks slightly in response, causing the bubble of thought to abruptly be cut short and Phil turns to face Dan.

"Oh hey," he says, his voice tired and still lost, distant despite their close proximity.

"Hey, are you okay?" Dan asks, frowning with concern, "you seem sad."

"I am," Phil says quietly, looking down as if it's something to be ashamed of, "I'm so tired Dan and I'm not even sure why. I'm so scared, I'm scared of myself. I don't know what to do."

"I-I'm sorry you feel like this," Dan replies, unsure as of what else to say to him other than sorry.

He's apologising on behalf of the universe, for even existing inside something that could crush such an innocent, pure human being. He wishes he could tell Phil how he wants to take away the pain from him, how he wishes it was him on that cliff not Phil, how he wishes the pain of the world would just stop. But he doesn't say anything.

Instead, Dan puts an arm around Phil's shoulder and pulls Phil into him, the other boy's head resting on his shoulder. Dan sighs deeply, holding Phil so tightly as if his arms alone could protect him from whatever it is that's so insistent in tearing apart such a beautiful human being.

"Do you need to talk about it?" Dan asks, gently, quietly.

Phil shakes his head in response, only wrapping his own arms around Dan and clinging onto him tightly. No one really looks their way, even as Phil begins to sob violently. Dan doesn't do anything, he just simply holds Phil in his arms as he cries, a silent gesture of support that means the world to Phil.

And it's inside the arms of Dan Howell that the black hole inside of Phil shrinks a tiny bit.

*

happy new year, have some fluff to start the oncoming year off right