I awoke from my first nightmare in a long time. I couldn't remember completely what happened but that didn't stop the chills running down my spine. I was covered in sweat, so much that my hair was sticking to my forehead. I ruffled it out and turned over to see the time. '6:00' showed brightly on my clock and I decided to get up after realising I wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon. 

I hopped in the shower, hoping to wash off the nightmare - at the very least I would wash away the sweat it had induced. I was in the shower for so long. I let the water hit my skin, so hot. Scorching even. Steam filled the room as I stayed in the shower, feeling each drop like a pin pricking my skin. I finally turned the tap so more cold intertwined with the hot and I let out a sigh as it cooled down the burning sensation that had suddenly become too real. Like my brain had switched on and was suddenly yelling at me. Luckily, my brain had woken up to the situation quick enough as to not let me have red raw skin when I stepped out. That's happened more times than I'd like to admit.
That was old me... time to make new me. New Dan. A fresh start, that's what I can do. It's not too late, right? But I don't know how to make a new Dan without using my old habits. I looked at myself in the mirror for the longest time. Staring at all my flaws. The freckles that covered my face, the spot that never seemed to leave, my curly hair that never fell the right way, the chub on my stomach. Suddenly it became obvious why Peej, the biggest player I'd ever known, had never seriously flirted with me. There was so much flawed with me, so much I needed to fix. Not just for PJ but for me, of course for me too and everyone else that has to be around me. Peej just helped me realise that no one would love me like this... he'd never admit it but he cared more for me when I was skinner, he said he would never let me go and held me so tight through the night. It was platonic then, I still hadn't been pretty enough. 

I began planning the day in my head, just like I used to. Skip lunch, I don't need it. Stomach as empty as I feel. No sleep so you'll find it hard to stay awake in lessons, get ready for caffeine and lots of it. I was ready for my stomach to ache from the lack of food but I knew the physical pain could never take away the emotional, not completely. It just masked it. Divert my attention from the real issue. I knew I'd be having tea tonight because it was the one time my family would be all together and I couldn't ruin that, not tonight. 

"I'm going to be a pretty boy," I watched my lips move in the mirror and form the words. 
A contract sealed within my own imperfections. 

AN: 
This is just a little update. More soon! 
Also, you're all pretty okay! I love chub on tummies and freckles and all the flaws that I mentioned on Dan, they're actually super cute <3 Don't think you have to change yourself 
~ Ray x