I ambled quietly and opened the gates. It's almost four a.m. Umuwi na si Angelo after niya akong ihatid dito sa bahay.

Grabe. Ang sakit pa rin. I was barely holding on and keeping my emotions at bay. Parang namanhid yata ang buong sistema ko. Wala na akong luhang maiiyak. I was still in shock. In denial. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Hindi ko matanggap.

Paikot-ikot lang ang mga tanong sa isip ko. How could he do that to me? When I loved him so much. Akala ko, mahal niya rin ako. Was I wrong? Was I alone in thinking this was special? Wala lang ba ang lahat?

Tama ba sina Kuya? He just used me?

Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit sa tuwing naiisip ko ang nakita ko. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. May kung anong init ang tumutusok at pumapaso dito. But I couldn't cry anymore. Naubos na ang lahat kanina.

"Javee!"

I raised my gaze. My brothers were in the living room, all waiting for me. Tumayo sina Kuya Andrei at Kuya Chris nang makita ako at kitang kita ko ang pag-aalala at takot sa mga mata nila. Si Kuya Travis, agad na dumalo sa 'kin. He was checking me for any signs of injuries.

But I wasn't looking at any of them.

My attention was only on one person. Hindi ko maalis ang paningin ko sa kapatid kong nag-angat ng tingin nang marinig ang pangalan ko.

Kuya Jacob stood up when our eyes made contact. I cast my gaze down. Nanginig ang labi ko. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko siya matignan. Not now. Not after what happened. Nilalamon ako ng kahihiyan.

"Javee. What the fuck happened to you? Kanina pa kami naghihintay," sabi ni Kuya Chris sa frustrated na boses. "Buti na lang sinabihan kami ni Angelo na pauwi na kayo. Dammit, we looked everywhere for you."

"Next time, tell us if you're going to be late. We tried calling but you wouldn't pick up. Nag-aalala kami nang sobra sa 'yo. Where have you been?" Kuya Travis added, much calmer than Kuya Chris pero nahimigan ko ang concern niya. God. I didn't even know they were home kaya nakalimutan kong magsabi.

"This isn't like you. We thought something bad happened. And why do you look like that? What happened?" tanong pa ni Kuya Andrei.

Hindi ako sumagot. Umusbong ulit ang mga luhang akala ko naubos na. Now that I was in their presence, all the shield I put around myself slowly crumbled.

There were footfalls. I heard someone approaching in a slow pace. Pag-angat ko ng tingin, nakita kong lumapit ang seryosong si Kuya Jacob. He stopped a distance far from me, but remained still close enough to study my face. Walang bahid ng kahit anong emosyon sa mukha niya. Just pure blank eyes. He didn't say anything, just waiting.

Hindi ko napigilan. Bumuhos ang luha ko. Nanginginig at dahan dahan akong lumapit sa kanya.

"Kuya. Wala na. Tama ka. It's over now. You were right," I said, my voice breaking, while my tears overflowed again.

My brother didn't say anything. His face remained unreadable. Without any words, Kuya Jacob walked closer and gathered me into the familiar warmth of his embrace. I met a solid wall of muscles. Inangat ko ang mga braso ko at niyakap siya.

I closed my eyes and cried my heart out.

Doon ko nilabas ang lahat ng hinanakit at sakit. Lahat ng akala kong hindi ko na kayang ilabas. Now I was safe. I was finally in the arms of my brother where I belong. I was safe now.

Too long. It's been too long. Parang ang tagal na nung huli ko siyang mayakap. His once familiar arms felt foreign to me now. But I missed it. I missed every inch of him so much. Hindi ako makapaniwala na muntik na siyang mawala sa 'kin dahil lang nagmahal ako.

Loved a guy who ended up not deserving every ounce of it. Loved a guy who turned out exactly what they said he would be.

I was so so so stupid.

"I'm sorry, Kuya," iyak ko. "I was very very wrong. I'm so so so so sorry. Ang tanga tanga ko."

"Shh," Kuya murmured soothingly, placing his comforting hand on my head.

Parang nagulat, nanahimik ang ibang mga kapatid ko. I knew they were watching me but none of them said a word. Ang tanging bumasag lang sa katahimikan ay ang mga hikbi ko at ang paalam ni Kuya Travis para sagutin ang tawag siguro nina Dad.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

'Yon lang ang paulit ulit kong sinabi. I couldn't say anything else. I was sorry. I was sorry to my brother. I was sorry for hurting them. For disobeying them. For straying when they were just protecting me. I was sorry for everything. For disappointing. For loving.

"Shh. It's okay now. You'll be okay." He tightened his embrace and let me lean into his chest.

Bumabalik ako sa mga panahon na ginagawa niya ito sa tuwing madadapa ako. Back when we were kids. Back when everything was easy, lunch boxes and bandaids lang. Before life became complicated.

Not once did he tell me off. My strong Kuya Jacob never said I told you so, and he didn't say it now. I was grateful that he just held me there, consoling me just like how a big brother would.

My big brother. Ang kuya ko.

He truly is my sanctuary. My safest place.

And I was so stupid for ever fighting with him. So so stupid. Ngayon, alam na alam ko na. Sa kabila ng lahat, pamilya lang talaga ang uuwian mo. 'Yon at 'yon lang ang meron ka hanggang sa huli. I knew it now.

I was so so sorry.

#

Hours after, I stayed holed up in my room. Hindi ako nakatulog. I was tired and hurting but I couldn't even shut my eyes to get some rest. Kahit kasi namamanhid ang sistema ko, buhay na buhay naman ang isip ko.

Iniisa-isa ko ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin. Iniisa-isa ko kung ano ang totoo sa kasinungalingan. Kung saan at kailan pa nagsimula. Kung gaano ako katanga at ka-ignorante sa mga signs na dapat matagal ko nang pinansin.

Sa labas ng kwarto, naririnig ko ang mga boses ng kapatid ko. I could imagine them hovering behind my door, pushing each other and deciding who would go inside to check on me. I could even hear them pestering Kuya Jacob about me. "Anong sabi?" they kept on saying.

Kanina kasi nang hinatid ako ni Kuya Jacob para matulog, sinabihan niya lang ako na magpahinga. Wala siyang tinanong sa 'kin na kahit ano.

He just said, "Kuya will be here. Just like old times. Get some rest."

'Yon lang at umalis na rin siya para bigyan ako ng space. I guess he had changed too. Kung siya kasi ang dati kong kapatid, he would no doubt ask me for details. At sigurado, before I could even finish relaying the story, iinit na ang ulo no'n at susugurin kung sino man ang nanakit sa 'kin. Now, he was being patient and it made him look like a stranger to me. When had my brother changed and how come I hadn't noticed it?

Emotionally drained, I soon drifted off to sleep.

There was a knock on my door the next morning.

I got up and opened it.

Kuya Jacob was outside, grinning at me. "Mag-ayos ka. Skate tayo."

Now that he mentioned it, I noticed he was holding a skateboard.

I frowned in confusion. "You don't like skateboarding," I pointed out.

"'Yon ang akala mo. C'mon, mag-ayos ka na." To make a point, tinulak niya pa ako papasok ng bathroom as if urging me to wash up.

My brows furrowed at his childish demeanor but still did what he told me to do. I did my morning rituals. Para akong robot dahil mechanical ang bawat kilos ko. Parang lahat ng sigla, nakuha na sa 'kin.

Sariwa pa rin ang sakit. I cried all night about it. Mahapdi at pasong paso ako. But I was a little better than yesterday. Not less hurt, but managing.

Siguro sinisigurado lang ni Kuya na hindi ako magmumukmok kaya niya ginagawa ito. He knew I loved skateboarding. Alam kong ayaw na ayaw niya doon but he was willing to do it just to cheer me up. It was really sweet.

Kaya kahit na wala akong lakas, nag-ayos na ako at pinuntahan siya sa baba. Dala ko ang red skateboard ko na niregalo pa ni Mathev no'ng nakaraang birthday ko. Kumain lang kami ng breakfast then we went out to play a bit.

"You think Mathev's the only one good at this? In his dreams," nakangising sinabi ni Kuya sa 'kin. He was playing with his board, demonstrating his routines.

Napatawa ako when he did an ollie. Totoo nga. Marunong nga siya. Not that expert like Mathev and Gian, pero marunong nga siya.

Sumampa rin ako sa board at pinaandar ito, sinasabayan siya sa pag-cruise. "I thought ayaw mo dito?"

"For you," he told me habang nakatingin pa rin sa daan. "Panlalaki 'to e. Baka magasgasan ka lang. Hindi maganda sa 'yo."

"Sexist." Ngumuso ako at hinabol ang speed niya. "Girls can skateboard, too."

"Yes but pwede naman na hindi ikaw." Sumulyap siya sa 'kin. "You can skate in the rink. Pwede mo nang palampasin 'to?"

Napangisi ako. "Tss. Sa bike din naman noon, lagi akong nagagasgasan."

He shrugged coolly. "That's different. Dad was teaching you. Wala akong tiwala kay Mathev. Lalo na sa gunggong na si Gian."

Napatawa ako. "Hard."

"Sige nga. Show me what that ass taught you."

Isang oras din yata kaming naglaro doon sa skating ramp. Buti na lang merong ganito ang village namin. Isang rason para dito bumili ng bahay si Dad. Great place kasi, awesome avenue for sports pa.

At around nine, I called for a break. Bumalik kami sa bahay ni Kuya. Tulog pa ang iba kong mga kapatid. I think they stayed up worrying about me. Kung tutuusin, baka nga hindi natulog 'tong si Kuya Jacob. Siya pa naman 'tong laging late magising kaya imposible na gising na siya ng ganitong kaaga unless he really planned for it or he didn't sleep at all.

Kumuha ako ng dalawang tubig at sinamahan siya sa labas. Umupo ako sa lapag, sa tabi niya.

Inabot ko ang tubig niya at uminom na rin.

Napangiti ako kapag naaalala ko ang mga ginawa namin kanina. He had some bad flips but it was fun. Ako rin naman. Never thought makakapag-bond kami over skateboarding.

"Next time sa Taguig tayo," sabi niya. "Mas maganda ang ramps do'n."

"Saka na. 'Pag magaling ka na."

He barked a laugh. "You'll see."

He drank his water in one gulp. Naging abala siya sa pagpupunas ng pawis sa mukha niya.

Pinagmasdan ko siya habang ginagawa niya 'yon. I was really grateful for today. I appreciated his gesture so damn much.

Maybe it was time to open up to him again?

"Kuya," I called in a small voice. "Hindi ka ba magtatanong?"

Hinubad niya ang t-shirt niya. Hinatak niya 'yon mula sa batok.

He turned to me, brows raised. His eyes were full of gentle understanding. "Ready ka na ba? Ikaw lang naman hinihintay ko, e."

I bit my lip. Walang halong inis o panunuya sa mga mata niya. Just plain patience.

I love this man so much. I'm ever so thankful he's my brother.

He looked away, adding as he threw a pebble, "I don't want to suffocate you anymore. I'm willing to wait."

Nilayo ko ang tingin ko at nagbato na rin ng pebble sa kalsada. Hinilig ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya at huminga nang malalim.

"Do you remember? We used to tell each other everything before. No secrets."

"It can still be that way. I'm still that brother, Javee," seryoso niyang sinabi.

"I know." Pumikit ako at huminga ulit nang malalim. Looking back now, I realized I was at fault here. For keeping secrets. For not trying hard enough. For not asking him to understand. Natakot ako at nagtago. I hid it in the disguise na naghihintay ako. But no. In all truth, I was just scared.

Tama si Racel. I should've told everything. My brother may not forgive him but he would've understood kung sa maaga pa lang pinaintindi ko na.

Pero para saan pa? Nasaktan na ako. Racel was the man they said he was. Kahit anong anggulo at hantungan, sa dulo masasaktan pa rin talaga ako. One thing that could've been avoided if I just listened to my brothers.

But did I regret it? Did I regret choosing?

No. No, I didn't. I still don't. Kahapon, sumagi na rin sa isip ko to pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko magawang magsisi na nagmahal ako.

Kasi may natutunan ako. Kasi ngayon alam ko na, na kahit anong mangyari, kapakanan mo lang ang iniisip ng mga kapatid mo. Natuto akong mas maging honest sa kanila.

I loved, got hurt and learned a vital lesson. In short, I grew up and became stronger. Nakita ko ang mundo sa labas ng mga kapatid ko and now I realized, the world I want was the one where they are all along.

Racel was a lesson. I knew that now.

I opened my eyes, sighing. "Mahal ko siya, Kuya."

"I know."

"Sobra. Sobra sobra." Tears sprang in my eyes. "Even now, I still can't believe he did that. . . " I trailed off, still reluctant to say that I was cheated on kasi nahihiya ako. "Nalilito ako kung ano ba talaga. If he ever loved me. If he just used me to get back at you. I don't know."

Kumunot ang noo niya habang nakikinig sa 'kin. Nakita ko ang pagkuyom ng mga kamay niya.

"Dapat nakinig ako. Dapat 'di ko kayo sinaktan. But I can't even regret choosing him. I love him that much."

Tumulo ang luha ko. I let them be.

Kuya Jacob took a deep breath but said nothing else.

"Alam mo? Sobrang nahirapan ako. I avoided him to the best of my ability. Pero iba, e. As if this world was bringing me to him. Before I knew it, I was falling. Hindi ko na napigilan. I'm sorry."

Hinarap niya ako sa kanya. Pinunasan niya ang mga luha ko.

"I don't like that Gutierez, baby sis. In my eyes, he'll always be that asshole who didn't stop that tragedy when he could. Hindi ko siya gusto pero kilala ko siya. All those years that I knew him, wala akong narinig na masama sa kanya. One thing I know, he's a jerk but he's not like me. He's not a player. So I thought maybe it was real. Maybe it could be different. The same way I liked his cousin, maybe he accidentally liked you, too. I'm so sorry for letting you get hurt like this. I'm sorry for ignoring you and not understanding. It's probably my fault why you ended up this way." He kissed my forehead. "But I hoped, you know, hoped to God na sana hindi tama ang hinala ko. For a time, I thought I was mistaken. It wasn't like him but I wouldn't put it past him. Now it's too late but I swear it'll be okay again."

I bit my lip, gripping his arm.

"Kuya. Please promise me. Please don't confront him." Hinagilap ko ang mga mata niya. "Nakikiusap ako, Kuya. Wag n'yo siyang sasaktan."

His jaw clenched. "You're still protecting him?"

"Please. Nasaktan ako, alam ko. But I still love him and no amount of pain will change that. Let it end here. Your feud. Your misgivings. You're even naman na. Let me be the last, please."

Dumaan ang ilang segundo. Halata na nagdadalawang isip si Kuya. But in the end, he sighed and conceded.

He kissed my head again. "Alright. Kung 'yan ang gusto mo."

I smiled and embraced him, burying my face into the crook of his neck.

"You know I love you right? You're the best."

I meant every word of it.

He placed a hand on my back. "And I love you, too. Always."

#

Kumain ako ng lunch kasama ang mga kapatid ko. Nakangiti sila nang sinabayan ko sila sa hapag. Nobody was asking about last night. I knew they were itching to ask but my brothers were sensible enough not to. Mas importante sa kanila ang mapasaya ako.

"Saan mo gustong pumunta? Gala tayo," anyaya ni Kuya Chris.

Kuya Travis drank his coffee and nodded. "My schedule is free. We can go anywhere."

Nilingon ko si Kuya Andrei na kasalukuyang may tinitipa sa cellphone niya. "I thought you'll go to Bohol with your friends?"

He stopped texting and turned to me, his face softening with a smile. "Hindi na ako sasama."

My brows arched. Tungkol siguro doon ang tinetext niya.

"Why not?" Ngumuso ako. "You don't have to do that just for me."

Umiling si Kuya Andrei, nakangiti pa rin. "Pack one, pack all. Have you forgotten?"

I blinked, stunned. Hoshet. Oo nga pala. It's been a while since I last heard that.

I smiled at all of them. I was already an adult who simply got her heart broken. But here were my four brothers treating me as if I were a kindergarten student who lost her favorite doll.

"Oh? Sina Geon ba 'yan? E 'di tayo na lang ang magpunta," sabi ni Kuya Jacob, sabay tingin kay Kuya Travis. "Tell Dad, Kuya."

Ngumiti si Kuya. "Nakausap ko na kanina si Dad. They want to go home but I said baka umalis na lang tayo." He turned to me. "You decide. Where do you want to go? Singapore? Bolivia? Korea? I know you want Korea."

"'Wag na tayong lumayo masyado." I looked at Kuya Andrei. "Tara sa Bohol?"

He nodded. "Sige. Sasabihan ko si Geon na susunod tayo."

Pagkatapos naming mag-usap, pumanhik na ako sa kwarto para makapagpalit ng damit. Kinuha ko ang ipit ko sa drawer at pinusod ang buhok. Matapos kong makapagpalit, napansin ko ang phone ko na nakapatong sa table. Ever since last night, hindi ko pa ito tinitinginan.

I turned it on.

Floods of texts and missed calls from different people came in. Mostly kina Ahron at Lhyle.

Ahron:
Where are you?
Your brothers called me. Wala ka daw?
Babe. Answer the phone. I'm worried.

Anjo:
Tangina, Jan. Nasan ka? Nababaliw na kami dito
Huy!!!

Maxxie:
Babe?
Where are you? Everything ok?
One reply would be a little nice
Fuck shit. Magpapapolice na ba kami?

Bes:
Javee where are you?
Andrei chatted me earlier. Nasan ka ba?
I'm getting insane here trying to contact you
Isa na lang. Take the call or I'll kill that asshole
Did he kidnap u or something?
Javee!
Putangina. Tumawag si Andrei. Wala ka pa rin?
It's 3 am there, baby. We've been trying to reach you for hours now. I'm getting nervous, where are you?

Kuya Onyx:
Princess. Where are you? Heard ure missing
Javee? Are u going home? Ur bro called me. Wala ka pa daw. Theyre worried. Text them?
Called your friends. Wala ka naman daw do'n. San ka?

Kuya Paul:
What's going on? Where are you?
Did you lose your phone or what?
You're not with Gutierez either. Where tf are you?

Mathev:
Are you trying to kill us? This isn't funny

Gian:
Putragis! Dad wants to call the police. Where are you, dude? Why aren't you home yet?

Kuya Nick:
Nandyan ka na daw? Don't do that again! Next time you pull that stunt, not even Jacob can save you from my earlash.

I winced at the onslaught of messages that came in. Nag-reply ako isa-isa sa mga 'yon. None of them knew what just happened kaya nag-sorry na lang ako at pinag-alala ko sila. I'd tell them another time kapag maayos na rin ako. I need to sort out my thoughts first before I could explain to others what the fuck happened kasi sa totoo lang, ako mismo hindi ko pa naiintindihan. Nandoon na rin na nahihiya akong aminin na for the third time around, I failed in my relationship. Matapos kong ipagtanggol at ipagmalaki, wala lang pala? Nahihiya ako sa sasabihin ng mga pinsan ko.

Ayoko rin ng gulo kaya sa susunod na lang ako magpapaliwanag.

As I scrolled up, I came across Racel's text messages.

Baby. Let's talk please.

Javee, please let's talk

Where are you?

Baby. Answer the phone.

Galing dito si Paul. I'm sorry. Where are you? Let's talk please.

I'm really sorry. Let me explain.

You're scaring me. Your friends called me. They can't find you. Please be alright. Where are you?

I looked everywhere. Nasan ka? Please answer my calls

67 missed calls

Kumirot na naman ang dibdib ko sa mga nababasa ko. Bumabalik na naman ang mga sakit at galit. Ang galing. Ang galing niya talagang magpaikot dahil heto na naman ako, parang gustong bumigay na naman pero hindi.

Hindi na ako magpapaloko. I refused to be that dumb girl who'll blindly follow him out of love.

So I blocked his contact number, unfriended him on Facebook, and basically removed him from my life in all ways that I could.