So close

so far

A maybe

Those sunlit oceans

He dares to call eyes

Looked into mine

All the time

Or perhaps because there wasn't a day we didn't talk

Even if there wasn't anything to say

For me, there was always so much

Or when we didn't we hated each other

Or that the notion that i hated myself was so fucking unfathomable

Or the teasing

And the incessant laughter

Or when he was so close

If i breathed the wrong way i could've kissed him

And if i close my eyes a little too long

It happens all the time

Or how he never forgot anything i told him

Or how it was impossible to not smile

Even during that time

But it was probably because I wanted him to be mine

So bloody badly

When he was married

And she was pregnant

And none of those things mattered

Because every fucking time i was with him

I felt like i was on drugs

The sun shone brighter

And life was better

Even though alone I was trying to find the quickest way to die

I love him

I can't look at anything from that time the same anymore

Even though we met eight years ago

And i haven't seen him in four

But there wasn't a day where i didn't think i might

At the mall

On the street

In the shops

In his city where he doesn't even fucking live in anymore

When i'm walking

When i'm running

Dear god when will i be free

It's an almost

I'm so close

I can't feel the same for anyone else

But at least i don't think about him everyday

I'll never be the person i was

But at least i'm not sobbing on the floor

Screaming in pain because he isn't mine

I'm almost there