>>Pairing[s]:
-Grian x Mumbo

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>>Content/Trigger Warnings:
- Overthinking
- Panic Attack
- Suicidal Thoughts
- Self Hatred
- Hurt/Comfort
- Suicide Attempt

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>>Word Count: 2043

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>>Other Information:

-This lovely little thing is a collab between IAmRedXD and I! Thanks for writing this with me Red <3

-I've split of what Red has written with • and whenever it's my writing again there is a ~ to symbolize it

-Anyways. Grian's been killed in his videos for his head with zero hesitation, so Red and I went "Huh..angst."

-Grian overthinks and breaks down, Mumbo tries to help

-Killing yourself doesn't give you your head. You fool.

-This is only unfinished because I've fallen out of Hermitcraft for now </3

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~
Grian needed his head.

Sure, he wasn't too bugged by the process of getting them. He just had to find someone who would kill him over and over and later give back his heads. It was simple and easy; even if he did feel somewhat sick in the afterward process.

Respawning always had a negative effect on a player's physical state. They were tired out once respawned and a fresh scar laid where the injury that killed them was. Dying over and over with no break in-between would result in the hermit respawning hours later.

This never bugged Grian, though. It was only his second season; and he wanted to make sure it would last.

Although; The lack of hesitation from hermits was starting to get to him.

It started with Mumbo, his boyfriend. Grian had set up almost everything he needed for his first set of invitations for 'The Upside-Down'

All he needed was his head.

The strawberry blonde had asked Mumbo to kill him, and there was a large amount of surprise and adrenaline that ran through Grian when Mumbo hadn't even hesitated, in the blink of an eye a sword was through his chest, a semi relieving look across the taller male's face.
•
Something about watching the love of your life pull out a weapon and kill you, no questions asked, is strangely unsettling.
~
There was no questions asked and before he knew it, Grian had a headache, blurred vision—

And nine of his heads.

He didn't allow himself to think more about the lack of any confusion or hesitation and instead went to place all his invitations out.

Then he needed more; no one had shown up and he was honestly getting somewhat lonely. Mumbo wasn't online this time.

So he next asked Zedaph.
•
His things secured and spawn point set, he slowly got Zedaph closer and closer. The british blonde looked curious, but the second Grian asked Zedaph to kill him, that curious confusion turned to an unreadable smile.

Every part of him blurred and ached. He had enough heads, but Zedaph seemed intent to continue and Grian struggled to get him to stop.

For a second time, there was no hesitation and almost some sense of joy or fun from it.

Zedaph grinned, handing him his own heads with a sense of calm to him.

Grian doesn't know what to think about Zedaph relaxing when he spam-kills him.

Now Grian stares at a leftover head from earlier with Zedaph and nothing but a sickening, hurt feeling fills him.

The feeling in his stomach tears apart his chest, ripping everything to shreds. His heart is the last thing it reaches. He feels the ravenous claws grab chunks and tear them into smaller thin strips.

He's glad that Bdubs finally joined the upside down. His invitations are actually starting to work.

But it doesn't change the echoing, dark voice in his head telling him that it isn't normal for hermits to kill another like that without so much as a care unless it's for PVP.
~
He can barely keep the tears blurring his vision from falling as he listens to Bdubs explain how the small house that had been blown up in the bed prank was just a starter.

Grian hastily wipes his eyes as Bdubs turns away to finish placing down a few blocks and forces himself to smile as he steps back to the door.

"Anyway, I'm gonna continue with my-my stuff so uh, I'll catch you later and I'm excited to see what you do in the upside down." He stumbles out, blocking out what Bdubs replies with as he activates his elytra and flies off.

The paranoia clawed at his mind and Grian did his best to ignore it, telling himself over and over that the two counts of his head removal with a lack of hesitation was just a coincidence; And for a bit, Grian believed it.

Until he needed a few more heads and turned to Scar for them.

Spawn point set in a bed nearby and the items in his inventory placed in a shut shulker off to the side, he asked Scar to kill him.

No questions, no confused looks. Hell, Scar laughed when he first killed Grian. That same happy smile doesn't leave with each kill.

The winged male hadn't even expected it, and Scar didn't stop. Grian lacked the energy to tell Scar when he could and had just let the terraformer go until he thought enough was enough.

By the end of it, Grian had seventeen of his own head, and a completely shattered mind.
•
Throughout the next few weeks, he can't shake the demons hovering over his head.

Each one mocks him and reminds him that the hermits like seeing him die.

It's impossibly hard to think of it as a coincidence anymore. Not now.

A specific thought keeps bothering him and it's helped him notice some things recently. The thought is painted black with rotten spots around the face.

Have I been so bad they want me dead rather than alive?

Observation has never been his best talent... until now.

When he passes Beef in the shopping district, he sees Beef running a hand down his face as he mumbles about prices.

Oh he's trying to sell item frames and maps...

His barge is probably making it difficult for Beef.

Then there's his pranks, Mumbo tiredly sighs when he sees Grian at his base. Apparently he found the hidden blocks in his base and had to go back and forth to fix it.

Grian tries to speak, but Mumbo just shakes his head and says he can't deal with him at the moment.

That his base is enough of a 'needy child.'

The thought repeats and repeats.

Grian wonders if Mumbo is right. Maybe he's just an annoying child that infuriates people to the point that killing him is some sort of relaxation.

His name in the chat catches his attention and he glances at his communicator, looking through the messages.

Docm77: Grian are you responsible for the stuff at my base?

The idea doesn't make him recall anything. He didn't do anything to Doc. He says so in the chat, but suddenly Iskall says Grian's message is a lie. That he's joking and it was definitely him.

The chat turns to blades and with each new sent message, a knife stabs into his chest. Invisible blood pours and he almost wishes it was real.
~
It was enough to have him forgetting that he was still at Mumbo's base, eyes locked onto his communicator as his body began to shake. All he was to everyone was just the annoying prankster, if it happened, it had to have come from him.

The voices ticking in the back of his mind, almost instantly adding salt to the wound as the grip on his communicator tightened, a small crack beginning to grow across the screen.

He didn't process Mumbo's distant voice asking why he was still at his base, nor did he register the worry in his boyfriend's tone as he established the look on Grian's face.

All he knew was that to every other hermit; he was just a nuisance. The demons and insecurities clawed at his mind and mocked him, whispering everything he didn't need to hear to him

Maybe it would be better if you were just dead.

All you do is bug everybody.

When was the last time Mumbo actually seemed happy with your presence

When was the last time ANYBODY was happy with your presence.

Just leave it behind, like you did with Evo.

Grian snapped back to reality as a set of hands were firmly placed on his shoulders, he blinked a bit, clearing his eyes of the tears he hadn't even known were there.

The tears continued to roll down his cheeks steadily as he shakily looked up, eyes locking onto the troubled ones of Mumbo.

"Gri, babe, are you alright?" The black haired male asked, keeping his voice gentle; even though it was lined with worry.

Grian's expression morphed into an unreadable emotion, or one Mumbo had never seen spread across the other's face as Grian hiccuped, letting his communicator drop to the ground and crack before pulling himself out of Mumbo's grip.

He didn't try doing his usual, messy attempt at assuring Mumbo that he was alright. Instead, broken, heart wrenching sobs slipped from him as he backed away from Mumbo. Squeezing his eyes shut as his mind continued to berate him.
•
Ask him to kill you again. I'm sure he wants to.

You're annoying him again.

You just had to stay at his base and make him have an obligation to worry about you.

Grian, the trainwreck.

Mumbo's eyebrows furrow in worry as he tries to come closer, but Grian inches away. A cycle of closer and farther as Grian sobs, hugging himself.

"Gri-"
•
I'm nothing but a short annoying pest. A fly. No wonder people want to kill me.

Black dots attack his sight until he can barely see through the blurry mess.

I hate myself... but they hate me more.

Breathing becomes a challenge, as if he has to climb uphill a mountain with each shaky inhale. He rolls back and forth, trying to keep feeling something, but he feels his body slowly grow number and number.

Uncontrollable sobbing and hysteria explode from Grian, he can't seem to calm down.

They enjoyed killing you.

Stop it.

You're just an annoying waste of space.

Stop it.

Why are you even still here?

Stop it stop it stop it... it's not true they're my friends... they're... right?
~
They don't care about you.

They do care.. they have to-

They don't.

Grian yanked at his hair as he continued to shakily step back from Mumbo, any sign of Mumbo's voice that he could hear was quickly drowning out with a painful ringing.

Stop stop stop please make it stop- I can't-

The numbing effect overwhelming his body kept him from acknowledging as he unconsciously yanked out his netherite sword and turned it around in his hand.

Do it.

You deserve to die.

He didn't hear the distressed yell of Mumbo as he raised the sword up and swiftly bought it down at his abdomen.

The sword clanked to the ground as Grian found his hand being gripped tightly by Mumbo. The taller male's eyes were wide in fright as he clinged to Grian's arm, pulling it away from where the sword lay on the ground.

The lack of a negative reaction to his touch gave Mumbo the all clear and he pulled the shorter male into a hug, frown on his face growing as he listened to Grian sob and gasp for air.

It completely broke Mumbo's heart to see Grian so broken, especially considering he didn't even know where this had come from; and in result prevented him from comforting the other.

Nothing came to mind for what he could say and in result he stayed silent, just hugging Grian close and rubbing small, comforting circles into the others back.
•
Eventually Grian calms enough to mutter out a broken, "I-I'm sorry."

Mumbo purses his lips, rubbing his thumb over Grian's back, "Sorry? Why are you sorry?"

—————- Cut Off —————-
This was really fun to write while Red and I were working on it, and I'd totally get around to doing something like that with them again
If this ever ends up finished, maybe I'll edit this chapter and add what's added.