Madeline

The taxi ride was quiet.

Nikkos and Caspian were understandably pleased with the results of the night, whatever their meeting entailed, but even they must have been tired because they were both content to sit and relax for the ride. Their conversations were brief but celebratory as our driver took us down the road where I could watch the ocean on our way. The city passed by out the window, I held my bag in my lap and wondered if I should have changed before trying to ride in a crowded cab all the way home.

The pull of the ocean. It was real. The sway was real too. It was all real.

I mean, of course, I believed Caspian eventually, but the feel of the sway was becoming stronger and now there was no denying it. Something was going on with my voice, and it kind of freaked me out.

But it also answered so many questions. Guys would claim I was a tease despite not saying anything suggestive to them. Was it my voice? Then there were the asshole customers at the gym. An asshole boss or two as well. They all assumed I would be an easy lay and then got mad when I wasn't. Not that I have anything against sex. I really like sex. Sex is natural, sex is healthy. But not for the reasons they always thought. I never tried to seduce anyone, but maybe I was doing it by accident...

I blushed, lowering my head until I was practically laying against the window. Fuck, what a disaster. If I'd known this trick before, if I'd been in control to use it, or rather not use it, would I have ever ended up with Trent? Would I have still been called a slut all throughout high school? What was wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this?

And then I gasped, sitting upright. Caspian. Anything I felt toward him might be leaking into my voice as well. Was I influencing him too?

Shit, I hope not. I never, ever, want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me of their own accord.

Sheepishly I glanced over to him. He was smiling, reading over something on his phone while Nikkos was rambling something in their native language to him.

Caspian, was our kiss even real?

My heart tightened in my chest and I pressed a hand over it. Learning to control this was the best and possibly worst thing to ever happen to me. Now I wouldn't be able to use it on people when I didn't want to, but now I would question every relationship I'd ever have going forward.

"Here's stop number one," the driver announced.

We slowed and pulled over on the street that ran in front of my apartment. It was just around a corner now, facing an alley the taxi couldn't access, but as close as he could get to it.

I turned to face Caspian and Nikkos long enough to give them a smile. "Thank you again for dinner," I said.

"The pleasure was ours, Madeline," Nikkos answered, still grinning from ear to ear. "I hope we can see you again before we go."

My heart hit my ribs like it was trying to punch its way out. I swallowed, stopping my throat from tightening.

"Me too. Good night, guys." I turned to open the door and get out before either of them could see I was in my own head and about to lose it.

"Goodnight, Madeline," Caspian called after me. "I'll message you later."

"Okay," I answered without turning around, closing the door. The car pulled out into the street again, re-joining traffic and carrying Nikkos and Caspian toward the beach.

My bottom lip quivered and I clutched my bag tight to my chest.

Get it together, Maddie. Sort it out tomorrow.

I let out a slow breath and began to walk.

The street lights illuminated the area well. I had plenty of light to dig around the bag and get my keys from my shorts pocket so I could get inside quickly and take off the dress. A dress I'd try to return or at least sell. Maybe a pawn shop? Or a second-hand clothing store? Whatever I could get out of it would have to be enough for another month so I could find more work, and I fucking hated that I was in this situation at all.

I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my surroundings while I was digging for my keys, so when a loud sound made me jump I looked up to see a dude in my doorway.

"Hey!" I shouted and stopped moving toward the building, making sure I was in the street light and anyone looking out at my yelling would see me. "What are you doing in my apartment?"

The door was open behind him and when he turned and came out to face me he was holding one of my packed boxes.

"Hey!" I screamed, hoping one of my neighbors would hear. "That's my stuff, thief!"

"Calm down, lady," the guy yelled back down to me from the second floor. "I'm putting it on the lawn and changing the lock. The landlord hired me, you're being evicted."

My heart stopped. "It's not Friday yet! I have until tomorrow!"

The guy looked down at his watch and I thought he was going to drop my box. "Friday is in half an hour. You got your rent?"

"Yes! I mean, not with me. Just give me a couple hours, I'm sure I can find a pawnshop that's still open. Or... or..."

"Nah, sorry lady. I've got another job after this one. Best of luck." The guy came out of the apartment and went down the stairs where he set the box down on a big pile of stuff I hadn't seen in the dark before.

"My stuff!" I yelled and ran over.

By the time I ran over the guy was leaving, getting in a big black truck and starting the engine. He had left me behind with the exact thing I had been afraid of.

The little furniture I had was in a part of the yard that was always shaded and the grass had a hard time growing. Meaning the rain from earlier in the day made it a muddy mess, seeping into my boxes and sofa.

I ran up to my apartment and tried the key. Just as the man had said, the locks had been changed. I took a moment to lean my forehead against the door, taking deep breaths. Then I headed back down to assess the damage.

I dropped my bag on the sofa and pulled off the nice shoes Caspian bought me before pulling open the random boxes. Clothes, the one picture album I had, shoes, random junk I didn't need like candles or old flower vases. Even my bed frame and mattress had been propped on their side against a corner of the building.

As I stood there in the nicest dress I'd ever owned, rummaging through my whole life's efforts in a dirty yard, the tears started. Blurring my vision then running down my face and dripping off my chin in an endless brook of sorrow and frustration.

I picked up one of the boxes to move it over and the bottom of it fell open. Into the mud fell my bathroom box. Makeup, shower gel, hair accessories, and my box of cheap jewelry fell into the mud with a splash that scattered across my feet.

I reached out and held onto the arm of the sofa so I wouldn't just break down on my knees into the mud.

"Why?" I screamed and cried. I kicked, I threw the empty cardboard as far as it would go. The wind caught it, stopping it in its tracks and making it fall short with an unsatisfying smack on the grass. My shoulders shook, my throat stung with grief and effort.

Why? Why me? Why was it always me? Why couldn't I pull myself out of this hellish spiral and onto solid ground for once? What kid deserves to go into the foster system and never find a family? What girl deserves to be the school slut, despite never having slept with a guy at the time? What human deserves to escape an abusive relationship into a shitty apartment with a shady landlady only to be evicted in the middle of the night after one bad month?

The tears flowed freely. I sat there, curled up on my old sofa as it sank into the mud, sobbing my heart out. I cried so hard I nearly threw up. After a while, when I was finally out of tears and my stomach hurt from the emotional outburst that just wrecked my body, I stood up.

"Fuck," I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

Alright, okay, I can make it through this. Step one to any workout is to make a plan and warm up.

My eyes darted around the boxes. Make a plan. Okay. My plan for the immediate future should be somewhere to sleep, and somewhere to keep my things. Right? Yes. So, if I put the essentials and anything that I really wanted to keep in my car, that would work for now. It's not ideal, but it's a dry place with locks.

I walked over and began sorting. I didn't have a lot of stuff but I still wasn't sure it would all fit. The furniture certainly wouldn't, but I wasn't attached to it anyway. But my bed had a quilt on it from some church donation one Christmas, and it was one of the better things I'd ever owned or at least something nice enough to last with me since I was little. There wasn't a lot of that to go around.

Pulling the quilt free of the mattress and grabbing a pillow while I was there, I walked around to the parking lot where my car sat under a tree. Pillow, blanket, check. I could sleep and be warm.

Next, I pulled open another box where I had found my old backpack. It was my gym bag but when I was going to see the inside of a gym again was beyond me. I emptied it of workout shirts and instead began pulling things from the mud that had fallen from my bathroom box. Hygiene products, a towel, my makeup bag. Any remaining space was taken up by my laptop and charge cords. That went into the car too.

I eyed my jewelry box, but there wasn't much in there beyond trinkets from old boyfriends that I just didn't have the heart to care about anymore. Losing my apartment put a lot of things in perspective, and the reality was that I just didn't care about a lot of my possessions as much as I thought I did.

The rest of it was clothes and stupid decorations that I thought would make my life feel better. Cheap rugs, thrift store art, and throw pillows. Things I had scavenged where I could find it. I sifted through my clothes for my favorite things to wear and put them in the car. The rest could go to the next scavengers who needed it.

My coat, some clothes, and my photo album helped fill up my trunk while the back seat contained my new bedroom. I took my old shower curtain, tossing the plastic layer and using the pink floral side to cover the things I owned so you couldn't look into my car and see my whole life laid out for the taking.

Once I had gone through everything, I looked at the mess that was left and flipped it off. Then I turned to my car, forcing my eyes to stay dry as I looked over what I'd done. It was a small car, for sure, but it didn't look half bad. I even thought I could get a good night's sleep in it. Just, not here.

Still in my expensive dress and fancy shoes, I got in the car and drove off. Somewhere. Anywhere. Something familiar that could give me whatever comfort I could take from my surroundings.

I drove down the coast. The ocean at night was stunning. If anything was going to comfort me tonight it was going to be the stars over the dark water as it lapped at the sand.

Only a short distance from the apartment building was a favorite stop. I was familiar with it, and it had a gentle downhill view of the ocean and whatever we could see of the stars here in the city. The coffee shop was dark when I pulled up to the sidewalk across from it, but I knew in a few hours the early bird baristas would be coming in to get ready to open.

That was a comfort. Comfort enough that I parked the car, pulled my front seats up all the way, and settled in the back seats. I even sucked it up and found an alley with hopefully no observers where I could pee behind a dumpster. It was probably the most humiliating thing I've had to resort to so far, and I felt like I would have a lot worse ahead of me if I couldn't fix my situation soon.

I wiggled my way out of the dress and shoes. It wasn't easy and it took some time, but eventually I was able to lay it in the front seats and pull on an old gym shirt and pair of shorts. With my quilt and pillow, I got somewhat comfortable in the seats where I could look out the back window and see a sliver of the sky.

Now, laying still in the back of an old beat-up car and pretending I was okay, the tears started up again silently.

Step one was out of the way, but what was step two? The car was only so safe to stay in, and without an address of my own finding work just got ten times harder. I've never been homeless before. I had come close, but never quite landed there. Where do I start? What do I do? Where do I pee, or shower, or eat?

What good was my voice if it still landed me in this situation?

Asking myself the same questions over and over, I curled up tighter in my quilt. What now? How to fix it? The sounds of the nighttime traffic lulling me to a miserable and restless night in the back of my car, and once again I was alone in the world. This time, I didn't even have hope.