Proclivity

/,prəˈklivədē/

noun

a tendency to choose or do something regularly; an inclination or predisposition toward a particular thing

Two weeks after meeting Moira, I found myself within another pitfall of crippling anxiety concerning Luke and my relationship. While I yelled at myself several times a day for even worrying about our relationship due to the talk we had over a month before, I couldn't shake the fact that he was growing away from me.

After that fight a month before, I never thought he was cheating, reminding myself that Luke was devoted to me, but then I started thinking that maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Maybe this 'motherhood' had deemed me to be untenable in his eyes as had happened in multiple relationships before the government took over.

It was questions like these that filled my mind as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror that night, trying to tell myself that Luke would never react like that about me being a female adult figure in Riley's life. Nevertheless, I felt tears stream down my eyes as I tried to control my overbearing emotions.

'You need to pull yourself together,' I told myself sternly, looking in the mirror with bags hanging low under my eyes and the blue vanishing with my orbs as the gray color I had become accustomed to settled in. Rolling my eyes, I splashed a bit more water into my face before moving away from the mirror to lie in the bed Luke and I shared still.

Suddenly, the sound of the door opening filled the silence that I had created for myself and my natural perception knew instantaneously that it was Luke walking into our room. His lanky frame bumped against the door to our closet as he changed his clothes and then slammed against the door to our bathroom when he attempted to enter there to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.

I huffed, sitting up in bed and turning on the light in our room in order to illuminate his figure in the darkness. As he noticed the light shining, he turned to find my frame sitting up in bed, lip taken in between my teeth in order to hide my anger; however, it didn't help much as he let out a sigh of aggravation before pacing the room lightly and coming to sit beside me.

"I don't know what you want, Lissa," he stated brokenly, his hand coming up and touching my leg gently. His eyes didn't meet mine at first, but when they did, I could see the pain instilled into their lids. My emotions flooded over as I moved closer to him, letting go of my anger instantaneously as I saw that he didn't mean to make these feelings consume me.

He didn't mean for me to feel alone in this moment. I knew that he didn't mean for any of his actions to come across that way, but my stupid mind had been so used to him constantly being around that I had no way of knowing how to control myself without his strong willed mind beside me.

"I want you," I said into his shoulder, arms wrapping around his torso as a sigh came from his lips. My mind kept screaming at me to see how much pain I caused him and to walk away, but I knew that was only my self consciousness talking and that leaving would cause more problems than it would solve. "I just want you," I said softly.

"You have me though," he reassured me, his body turning to face mine as I found my solace in his blue eyes staring into mine. Something within me lit up at the sight of the blonde haired man lying in front of me, his body moved between my legs as I tried to control my entire being from ruining this meaningful moment.

I relished in the feeling of having a person as perfect as Luke in front of me, wanting to work through all of my commitment issues and his own in order to make me happy. Never before in my life had I felt the love that Luke was willing to shed over me and it felt extraordinary. There was really no way to explain it.

Even though most people could explain the love they had for a person by comparing it to the love they held for their parents on some level, I never experienced that. I never had a parent to help me up from the ground when I scraped my knee. My only experience with my parents had been those six months of torture, which I preferred to keep as secret from Luke as possible.

There I was, trying to distinguish the feelings I had for Luke to their full extent as I felt his lips encompass mine in a gentle kiss. This kiss was not like our other kisses that were filled with lust. Those were the type of kisses that brought long evenings and happily accepted mornings spent in bed exploring each other.

This kiss that was taking place was one of love, not lust or passion. We were connected in a way beyond any way I had ever experienced because of our ability to take one another's burdens and bury them upon ourselves. The thought of allowing each other to bear our heavy burdens sounded as though our relationship was toxic, but it was anything except that.

Luke and I were a special type of love. We were the type of love that could easily survive an air raid but struggled with the concept of moving in together. Our love was able to survive the tedious struggles of post traumatic stress from both parties but still faltered when one of us mentioned the thought of marriage. Although we were so in love, our lives had made it practically impossible for us to recognize it.

I loved him, that I knew for sure, but I wasn't sure why the idea of love also came with the pain invading my chest as I looked at his crying face when we fought. The feeling of his hands drifting down my waist caught me off guard, but I found myself relaxing into the gentle touch as I tried my best to decipher the thoughts invading every inch of my mind.

I loved him to a point that I would die for him; however, was that right?

His lips touched my neck in a feather-like motion, causing a rubble to echo from my throat as his arms wrapped around my body, holding my body closely to his. All of a sudden, one of his hands moved, entangling themselves into my own as his lips found their way down my neck to my shoulder.

"Lis," he whispered breathily into my neck while I felt his fiery touch all over my body. His slow actions personified every emotion I was considering within my head: the love, the confusion as to what this was, the commitment, the fear that this was everything we thought it was.

His blue eyes were glowing within the shining lamp as the tension increased in the room and the air within my lungs was knocked out. I took short breaths as he stared down at me with his breath trickling down my face. We were connecting as our bodies reacted the same in that humid and tense room.

"I love you," he spoke solidly, the air of the room switching within a milisecond. Although we had spoken the words before and they had somehow become numb to us for a time, the way he spoke them in that moment made all of the air in my lungs evaporate. He was not just speaking them in a way that was trying to convince me that he was committed to me.

The blonde boy who had been immensely scared of commitment only months ago, was saying this because he felt the same suffocating feeling filling the room. It was slow, his way of kissing me from then on out, but I assumed that it was because he was showing me this love.

He deepened the kiss quickly though, traveling up my thigh before resting in between my legs tentatively. Only sighs and pants could be heard as he gently removed my shorts and panties with one quick motion, his slow kisses never stopping as they traveled down my neck when I was unable to respond to the mouth based ones.

My arms wrapped around his neck as his thumb slipped beneath my shirt, rubbing circles upon the heated and bare skin underneath. With one smooth motion, he pulled the last article of clothing over my head and continued along his war path, reaching for my breath as he gently allowed his thumb to tickle the bud lightly before I stopped him.

His boxers were quickly ripped from his body as I let out a quiet groan from the tedious shift of his hips. My arms slowly began to unwind from his neck while he continued to shift his hips effortlessly, his lips never missing a moment of being attached to my neck. Hands traveling down his body, I found myself in awe of the simplistic way we were communicating.

Although no words passed from either of our mouths, we knew what to do next. His weight was pressing against me as I raked my fingers back up his sides, finding every crevice of him and allowing my fingers to trace amongst it. My legs bent and thighs tightened around him, showing how the little connection of us was affecting me.

With one last roll of his hips, I found myself gasping for more, which caused the blonde to chuckle in my ear before his entirety was placed inside of me. The feeling was already different from all of our other times, the way his chest expanded as though he was overwhelmed by the feeling of us being together. His hips moved slowly, shifting back before driving himself slowly back into me.

"I love you," he stated once again as I opened my mouth to respond, only hearing moans and sounds of pleasure escape. As opposed to not telling him how I felt, I wound my legs around his back, sending him into another frenzy as he whispered curses and mumbles of how good it felt.

Meanwhile, I struggled to draw a large enough breath to sustain me through each of his languid hip rolls. My nails raked down his back, sure to be a sign of what we were doing in the morning as I felt my body tumble toward the edge quickly due to his devastatingly slow pace and hot breath fanning my face.

His fingers trailed down my body as I felt him uncover every hidden part of me to a new extent that he had before. My mouth opened again, this time a confession of love managing to come from between my lips before I fell into another state of pleasure induced silence except for my moans.

"Luke, I love you," I managed to mumble out, breaths being taken every moment between each word as he dipped his body in order to maneuver his hips into me before his chest carried out the roll. Gasps escaped my mouth once again as his back muscles flexed while he continued the earth shattering hip rolls into my body.

Pressure built within my stomach as I pulled his body even closer to mine by tightening my legs around his waist. Hands roaming his back as I fought my end caused him to whisper into my ear, telling me to let go. I was in a downward spiral as my body rose to meet his while he was driving into me.

My eyes squeezed shut as I took in his deliberately slow movements. His intrusion took all of my strength, making my hands shake as I held onto him with every bit of strength I still possessed. Warmth filled my veins as I felt my being relax into his shortly before he did as well, the fire filling both of our veins causing us to both become consumed with pleasure.

His lips covered mine as he kept moving within me through our orgasms, molding into my lips in a lazy way to indicate our tiredness. Although there was little effort put into our interaction, it was perfect, causing my body to rebirth from the closeness of our bodies.

All too soon, we were separated and lying beside each other in a cuddling position, Luke's arms wrapped protectively around my waist while I played with his curly hair absentmindedly. Silence still overcame the room as the tension between us seemed to dissolve due to our previously close state.

"Why did you think that I wouldn't want you?" he asked me, his eyes searching mine as I tried to avoid his stare; however, it was not as easy as I thought it would be. His eyes bore into mine as I swallowed a heavy lump in my throat.

"I just thought that you wouldn't," I stated uneasily, finding the conversation intimidating as he stared at me with an incredulous look covering his features. I knew that I was talking like a crazy woman, but truthfully, I just wanted to bask in Luke's presence and not bother with the past and my fears at that moment.

"I love you," he stated again, the same fire as before exploding in my veins as I took his face in my hands and brought my lips to his.

"I know," I stated with a smirk, observing his shocked reaction before I repeated the meaningful words that I had said just moments before while we were one.

"I love you."