CHAPTER 6

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER pain. Berry woke up feeling nothing. Wala namang bago do'n. It's not the first time that she wanted to end her existence. This wasn't the first time that she thought of death early in the morning.

In two years that she'd been out from that basement, the thought about being dead never left her mind. Hours and days may passed, but the thought of ending her life never changed.

It was the only thing that made her sane. That, and pain. Lots and lots of pain to survive a day. Minsan, tinatanong niya ang sarili kung masokista ba siya at tulad ng mga nauna niyang tanong sa sarili, wala iyong naging kasagutan.

Sanay siyang nasasaktan. Sanay siyang iyon palagi ang nararamdaman. Pain has always been with her since she was four years old. Pain and tears, her companion in her everyday hellish life.

Her void existence always made her question herself again and again. Why am I still alive?As usual. No answer. Just silence. Long and painful silence.

The idea of dying has never been this inviting. She can already feel death as she stared at the ceiling. Gustong-gusto na niyang mamatay, pero sa tuwing sinasaktan niya ang sarili niya, hindi siya nagtatagumpay. She doesn't know why, but she can't seem to kill herself.

Hindi gumalaw si Berry sa kinahihigaan kahit nang pumasok si Clara sa kwarto para linisin ang sugat niya. Clara's hands are callous and uncaring, but she doesn't mind. She likes the pain. It comforted her. It calmed her somehow.

Habang nakahiga, bumaling ang ulo niya paharap kay Clara. "Pwede ko bang hiramin ang gunting mo?" she asked politely with a low voice.

Tumango si Clara saka iniwan ang gunting sa ibabaw ng kama niya at lumabas na ito ng kwarto niya.

Walang buhay siyang bumangon sa kama at pumasok sa banyo habang dala-dala ang gunting na hiniram kay Clara. Sigurado ang bawat galaw niya. Lumapit siya sa bathtub saka umupo siya doon habang unti-unti iyong napupuno ng malamig na tubig.

When the water filled the tub, it was overflowing, but she didn't make a move to stop the water from spreading into the tile floor. She just submerged herself and remained underwater until she couldn't breathe anymore and until her strength was fading away because of the lack of oxygen.

Habol ni Berry ang sariling hininga ng umahon at isinandal ang katawan sa gilid ng bathtub. She was gasping for air and she liked the pain in her chest and lungs. It calmed her.

Ilang beses siyang huminga ng malalim bago bumalik sa normal ang paghinga niya.

Kapagkuwan ay pinagmasdan niya ang gunting na hawak bago iyon ibinuka at ibinaon ang dulo niyon, ang pinakamatalim na bahagi sa braso niya.

Napasinghap siya saka napapikit at kaagad na kumalma nang maramdaman niya ang sakit at pamamanhid sa braso niya. Mas lalo pa niyang ibinaon ang dulo ng gunting hanggang sa mabitawan niya iyon dahil sa panghihina.

The pain and the blood comforted her and she was addicted to the feeling of tranquility it gave her. It was peaceful. It was quiet. She liked it.

Then she heard a voice of a little angel.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

Kaagad siyang bumalik sa kasalukuyan at napabaling sa nakabukas na pinto ng banyo at bumalik ang tingin sa bathtub na nagkulay pula na ang tubig dahil sa dugo niya.

No...that little kid can't see her like this. She doesn't want to corrupt her innocence like what those people did to her!

Kahit nanghihina, pinilit niyang umalis ng bathtub habang gumigewang na naglakad patungo sa pinto ng banyo at mabilis na isinara iyon at ini-lock saka napaatras hanggang sa tumama ang likod niya sa lababo.

"Mommy? Mommy! Open the door, Mommy! Mommy!" Snow kept calling her from outside of the bathroom, but she didn't reply. She remained silent as she held her wounded arm.

Berry struggled to pull herself up to sit on the sink and leaned on the cold bathroom tile.

Dumadaloy pa rin ang dugo mula sa sugat niya pero wala siyang ginawa para patigilin iyon.

She just let the blood flow and even pressed her fingers on her wound to feel the pain even more.

Pain. Too much pain and she felt alive.

Berry consciousness was slipping away when she heard the familiar voice of Cadmus.

Cadmus. The man who told her he was worried of her. The man who made her felt good. The only man who stayed with her and didn't abused her. The only man who got close to her, but didn't hurt her. For the first time in a very long time. That felt good.

Isinandal niya ang ulo sa malamig na pader na gawa sa tile saka papikit-pikit ang mga mata na nakatitig sa pinto ng banyo.

"I'm coming in," anang boses ni Cadmus. "Don't be afraid." Bilin nito bago pa pumasok. "Hindi kita sasaktan."

Liar. Her mind screamed. You will hurt me too. Just like them. You will kill me too.

The door of the bathroom opened and Cadmus entered. Then, he closed the door behind him before looking at her.

"...the hell..."

Berry saw how worry filled Cadmus' eyes when he looked at her.

"H-hey..." mahina ang boses na sabi niya.

"What the hell did you do?" Cadmus immediately grabbed her hand, opened the faucet on the sink and cleaned her wound with cold water.

Pilit niyang inaagaw ang kamay niya mula rito pero nanghihina siya. Her hand just trembled.

Berry hated being like this. The feeling of weakness, being afraid and pathetic all the time. But she cannot control her mind and her body. She had been through too much already to be able to recover from the hell she'd been through and all she could do was to cry when she was frightened of what she had become because of those monsters.

"Ano ba ang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo, ha?" Galit na singhal ni Cadmus sa kanya na nagpagising sa kanya sa kasalukuyan. "Bakit mo ba 'to ginagawa? You're making me worried again, damn it!"

Berry felt so weak and lonely and she knew she was breaking down again. Hindi niya mapigilan ang sarili na ilabas ang tunay na nararamdaman. Umaasa siyang sa pagkakataong ito, may makikinig sa kanya. Umaasa siya na pakikinggan siya. Kahit sino. Basta pakinggan lang siya.

Because God knows, all her life, no one listened to her and that's what she needed the most. Someone who'll listen to her. Someone who will save her. Pero ilang beses na siyang humingi ng tulong pero walang dumating para tulungan siya. All her life, from her father, to her aunt until to her uncle, not a single soul heard her. Even if she screamed from top of her lungs, no one would care.

She already lost hope. She already let go. She already gave up trying. She welcome death. That's her only option. Death will make things go away. Death will save her. Death will make everything okay. Death will make her forget the hell that she'd been through. She craved death. She wanted it so bad. No one would care, no one will even miss her.

But Cadmus...why was he worried about her? Does he still think that she was his wife? Kaya ba mabait ito sa kanya? Kaya ba gano'n ito kung tratuhin siya? Even though Cadmus was just nice to her because of the thought that she was his wife, she kinda liked it.

Because for the first time, someone told her he was worried about her. It may not be for her, but he was looking at her when he said it and that felt good. At least, alam na niya ang pakiramdam na 'yon.

It might be too late for her, but now she knew what does 'it feels good' mean.

Mapait siyang ngumiti habang nanunubig ang mga matang nakatitig kay Cadmus. "S-sana nakilala kita b-bago pa nila ako nawasak ng buong-buo. Those m-monsters... those monsters..." mahina siyang napahikbi habang hinihila pa rin ang kamay niya palayo kay Cadmus. "S-siguro, m-may natira p-pa sana akong p-pagpapahalaga sa s-sarili ko." She sobbed silently. "I-I'm s-scared, C-Cadmus. I'm s-scared."

Cadmus looked at her, his eyes bored into hers. "If you're scared, then let me hold your hand. Don't pull away. Hayaan mo akong hawakan ang kamay mo. I swear, I will not do anything, but hold your hand."

Her lips quivered. "J-just my hand? P-promise you will not t-touch me anywhere e-else?"

Tumango si Cadmus, ang mga mata nito ay nakatigin pa rin sa kanya. "I promise."

She nodded. "O-okay. I c-can tolerate t-that much p-physical contact. J-just my hand...okay?"

"Okay."

Cadmus held her wounded hand. Firmly. Pagkatapos ay binuksan ng isa nitong kamay ang kabinet sa taas ng salamin saka kinuha doon ang first aide kit.

With utmost patience, he cleaned her wound with antiseptic and covered it with bandage. Pero kahit natapos na nitong gamutin ang sugat niya ay hindi pa rin nito binitiwan ang kamay niya.

Cadmus sighed heavily and looked at her. "Hindi ba sinabi ko na sa 'yo? If you want to cut yourself, call me so I can talk you out of it?"

Nanatili siyang nakahilig sa malamig na tile ng banyo. "W-why would—I, ahm—c-call you? I-I'm not used to people. I have a-always been a-alone."

Bumuga ito ng malalim na hininga. "Just try. Call me. Okay?"

Umiling siya. "N-no use. You'll never h-hear me. Mula ng bata pa ako, wala nang nakakarinig sa pagmamakaawa ko. Even if I s-scream on the top of my lungs, no one would listen. I beg and b-beg a-and b-beg, but n-nothing. N-no one came. No one."

Berry wanted to shrink away from Cadmus when he raised his hand. Pero hindi sumayad ang kamay nito sa pisngi niya. Nanatili iyong may distansiya sa kanya.

"May I dry your tears?" He was asking for permission.

Umiling siya.

"Please?" Nangungusap ang mga mata nito. "Ayoko nang nakakakita ng babaeng umiiyak, lalo na kung ikaw 'yon."

"B-because you think I'm your wife?"

Nawalan ng imik si Cadmus pero nanatili itong matiim na nakatitig sa kanya.

"Can you walk?" Kapagkuwa'y tanong ni Cadmus pagkatapos ng mahabang katahimikan.

She nodded, but didn't move a muscle.

"Can I carry you then?" he asked.

Berry shook her head as she shrunk away from Cadmus.

"Bubuhatin lang kita. Wala akong gagawing masama sa 'yo," anito.

Umiling siya saka kusa siyang bumaba mula sa pagkakaupo sa lababo pero nang umapak ang paa niya sa sahig, muntik na siyang mabuwal sa pagkakatayo kung hindi lang siya naalalayan kaagad ni Cadmus.

Their closeness made it hard for her to breath. She can take him holding her hand, but not like this, not this close.

Her brain was alarmed. It made her heart pumped crazily, giving her anxiety. She was having a panic attack as he carried her to her bed. She was gasping for air as tears fell harder from her eyes. Her body was cold and trembling. She was terrified, but Cadmus manage to put her in bed and covered her with duvet.

Nang magkaroon ng distansiya ang katawan nila ni Cadmus, saka lang siya nakahinga nang maayos.

And just like the other day, he silently sat on the floor, his back leaning on her bed and he stayed.

Napatitig siya sa likod ng lalaki, tinatanong ang sarili kung bakit mabait ito sa kanya. Dahil ba sa tingin nito siya ang asawa nito?

What does he want from her? Why was he being nice to me? She doesn't have anything to give to him.

She was already empty. Inside and out. Empty. Like a valueless vessel.

"Nagugutom ka ba?" Basag nito sa katahimikan.

"H-Hindi." mahina ang boses na sagot niya.

"Inaantok ka?"

"H-Hindi masyado."

"Masakit ba ang sugat mo?"

"Pain c-comforts me," she answered honestly. "I—I like the feeling of pain."

"Why?"

"It makes me sleep and b-because that's the only thing I could feel. That's the only thing I know. Pain. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon. 'Yon lang."

Umikot paharap sa kanya si Cadmus saka ipinatong ang mga braso sa gilid ng kama niya habang nakatitig sa kanya. "I don't mean to pry or offend you, but have you tried seeking medical help?"

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kumot. "Ask for help? P-para ano? P-para pagpasa-pasahan n-nila ako hanggang sa ma-mental ako?" Umiling siya. "I-I already know what they're going to say. That I have a major depression and I should take some m-medication to make my life better. As if a piece of medicine can make me forget everything."

Matiim siyang tinitigan ni Cadmus bago nagsalita. "I'm no doctor, but I disagree with them."

That's a first. "B-bakit naman?"

Cadmus took a deep breath. "You're not really depress, well not at first. You were first... broken. I think. Broken from the inside and out and being broken comes depression and suicidal thoughts."

"It's depression. That's what the doctor said," aniya saka humugot ng malalim na hininga. She was starting to calm down. The pain in her arm was doing its work of calming her. "But yeah, I'm broken as well."

Cadmus nodded and stared at her for a minute before speaking softly. "I just want to say I'm sorry."

She frowned. It was the first time she heard that from someone sounding so sincere. "F-for?"

"For shouting at you, for pushing you and ahm ... for everything."

Berry didn't say a word. She just stared at his face.

Cadmus took a deep breath. "If, you ahm, want to harm yourself again. Remember this ... you're strong. Very strong. I know you are. Because if you're not, you wouldn't be alive right now."

Ilang segundo siyang natahimik bago sumagot. "I'm just lucky... that I'm still alive."

Umiling si Cadmus. "No. You're strong, not lucky. Gustuhin mo mang tapusin ang buhay mo, I know, deep down, you wanted to fight it. You wanted to live that's why you're still alive. Suicide is not the answer to every problem in the world. No one should take their own life, because life is precious, life is a gift and you, you are blessed because you're alive. Ang daming tao na ginagawa ang lahat mabuhay lang.

"They would let doctors cut them open so they could have a chance to live longer. And you, you're young, you may have suffered a great amount of cruelty, but you can get through that. You can conquer your fear, you can fight those demons and prevail. Would you let those monsters who made you like this win? Would you let them see you weep and take your own life like what they wanted you to do? Because if you did, if you kill your self, they will be very happy that they destroyed you, completely. Death will not solve anything. Death will not make you feel okay. You want to get back at those monsters? You want revenge? Then stand up, pull your self together and live. That how you take your revenge. That's how you fight back."

Sa unang pagkakataon, gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi niya. She smiled. Not because she was with an innocent child, but because she was with a man who made her feel good.

"Thank you," she whispered. "But ... I don't want to fight back. I just want to die."

Cadmus tried to talk back but she closed her eyes and ears at him. Pero kahit ginawa niya 'yon, nanatili pa rin ito sa kwarto niya.

He stayed with her and his presence somehow calms her and that scared her. Men scared her, but with Cadmus, she was slowly adopting and her fear of him is slowly receding. Hindi siya pwedeng masanay sa presensiya nito. She was not his wife. She was not Snow's mother. She was not part of this family. She was an outsider, a broken valueless vessel. She have to leave this house, soon.

I can't stay here.

CECELIB | C.C.