[Review originally published in Italian. English translation made by Lowkey_Loki, with the revision of JoSeBach, ShadeOwl90 and me, Evgenij.]

[T. N. (Translators' Note): In the years that passed between the publication of this review in Italian and its translation into English it seems that the original Danger fanfiction has been edited by its author. As a result, some of the comments and criticisms made by feartearcrybabymidea in its slating no longer makes sense, and will therefore be removed in this translation. When necessary, translators will intervene with alternative comments in bold.]

Hello everyone from your beloved FearTear!

Without further ado... ladies and gentlemen, here's "Danger".

The sleazy fanfiction that inspired hundreds of other dreadful works.

One of the reasons why Evgenij, fanwriter91 and mattheus93 banded together.

"Danger" is for Demons of Wattpad what the Wayne's murderer was for Batman, the radioactive spider for Spiderman, the prophecy for Harry Potter, the First One for Buffy, the Black Zetsu for Naruto, the heart virus that attacked Goku's heart for the future Trunks: I could go on forever, but I won't.

Long story short, "Danger" is the most famous seedy fanfiction about Justin Bieber, which started a series of proselytes and copies: indeed, while reading it, you'll find a lot of similarities with a lot of other fanfictions we've already talked about here. [T. N. : Such fanfictions were written in Italian, and so their reviews on this blog are in Italian as well: therefore some context will be added in this translation.]

Created by the mind of the American author Adriana v. (yes, with no capital v), this story, made of sixty-three chapters, is so popular that it was translated in various languages, including Italian.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/22786628-danger-under-revision-%E2%9C%93

Before we start, here's a premise.

Despite what its popularity might make you think, "Danger" it's objectively badly written. It's not because of grammar errors, but more because of how things are said.

Except for some rare occasions, the story is mostly written in first person. And it wouldn't be a bad thing, if it wasn't for what the two protagonists think and say, which are often about things they shouldn't care less about.

For example, every hecking time someone gets in or out of a car, or in/out of a room, we're always, ALWAYS told that someone closes the door behind them after opening it.

Or, every time someone goes to take an object or walks away from a place, the character narrating almost always tells us "they walk to reach the place where there's the thing they want to get".

Also, basically once every chapter, the characters do at least three of these actions:

- roll their eyes;

- bite their lips;

- chew the inside of their cheeks (this is a habit that you absolutely shouldn't indulge to, I had it for some time and I got potentially infectious cuts in my mouth);

- hiss;

- snicker;

- smile (at times specifying that the smile is on their mouth and/or face);

- raise their eyebrows;

- lick their lips;

- press their lips together, creating a thin/firm/straight line;

- nod;

- do a shake of their head.

Hence, the author often indulges in describing what the characters do with lots of details, like she's affected by some sort of OCD that gives her the need to explain every single movement, that would be obvious for others.

The peak of this disorder can be seen in chapter 22, where, instead of saying something like "at the end of lunchtime I went to the restroom and I washed my hands", the female protagonist says in one go a poem that not even someone like Nathaniel Hawthorne could have done.

Once I finished scarping down my lunch, I wiped my lips on a napkin before standing up and walking into the bathroom. I made my way over to the sink, holding my hand under the automatic soap dispenser before rubbing my hands together once a pink liquid squirted down onto the palm of my hand. Pulling the sink tabs towards me, I ran my hands under the running water before pushing the tabs shut and turning over to my side where I pulled the handle on the black box that began pouring out layers of napkins. Once I dried my hands and threw the napkins out, I checked my reflection in the mirror.

To quote the review of Bryan di Boscoquieto by Federico Ghirardi (a not-so-talented Italian fantasy author), in the Italian blog Gamberi Fantasy: "this is a piece of everyday life that anyone can imagine without reading it and that has no relevance in the story. As said before, there are dozens of pages of "everyday life" written like this: so incredibly boring."

You can't even imagine the anxiety that got me while reading paragraphs like this one. A real challenge for my patience.

And I still have to talk about the plot!

We are in Stratford, Canada.

We meet the classic Hope-type main character, who in this story is called Kelsey Anne Marie Jones Anderson McAdams (every twenty chapters her mum will call her with a different last name).

Lady R: - Is it a tribute to Daenerys, to Picasso or to Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya De La Rosa Ramirez?-

It's Friday night. Like every Hope, Kelsey is bored and would love to go out and have fun for once in her life, but her parents don't let her.

I could kick and scream and throw a tantrum, but it wouldn't change anything. I was born and raised a Christian, how to respect my body and my morals, and that God is watching everything I do, and there was nothing I could do about it. [...] If my parents ever found out that their daughter was out partying, I'd never hear the last of it. I might as well puncture my eardrums just to save myself the headache, so I'd rather mourn for the rest of my life then have to deal with the outcome of such a thing.

Let's get one thing straight: in the whole fanfiction Kelsey will NEVER behave like a true Christian, even disobeying repetitively to many of the Ten Commandments.

Evgenij:- This wouldn't be that bad, it could mean the protagonist doesn't believe in what her parents taught her and is trying to sort out things by herself. Also, the fact that she seems to be interested just in material things and leisure is not negative: she's a teenager, so, considering that at this age kids are "fed" with pop culture, this is completely natural. Hence, it would be good if, starting from this uninterested beginning, the protagonist could develop her own vision of the world, maybe even being indifferent to the great abstract and metaphysical matters: it would be a character development anyways even if she stayed a shallow person and was shown as such. But I really doubt something like this will happen.-

[T. N. : In the previous version of this chapter, Kelsey used to rant at length against her Christian upbringing, saying, for instance, that her life was "abnormal". This is why Fear Tear pointed out that she was never going to follow her religion, just to underline the imbalance of the narration, which described Christianity as unbearably oppressive (and certainly it could be so, in fundamentalist and integralist communities), while subsequently found any sort of apologies for the future criminal life of the main characters. In any case, this issue was certainly one of the least problematic of the entire fanfiction, and having removed it does not fix the whole fanfiction.]

As if my mental cries of help were heard , my phone immediately began to vibrate; the screen illuminated with various messages - surprising, I know, but I do have friends believe it or not - each saying the same thing.

Block Party, tonight. Midnight at Richmond. Everyone's invited.

Kelsey doesn't even think about it for a second and, after getting dressed and wearing her makeup, she sneaks out of the house and goes to the party. Here she meets Carly, her best friend, and she drinks her first glass of beer all at once without even staggering a bit. Congratulations, when I drank my first beer I was wasted way before I could even finish the glass.

Evgenij:- So was I!-

Kelsey's stunt attracts the attention of one of the guests at the party, that greets her with the usual

"Nice going, shawty"

before going away followed by his henchmen.

Lady R:- NO! NOT THE "SHAWTY"!-

Carly informs Kelsey that the guy is none other than "Danger", the leader of a gang called The Kings.

Kelsey would like to know more, but Carly has nothing else to add except for

"He's the most talked about guy in all of Stratford. He's done things you wouldn't even think of. They basically call him an untouchable because anyone who tried to take him down never succeeded."

HacchanADL:- Danger, Crash Bandicoot's dumb and rejected brother. Seriously, this nickname really sounds like it's from a 90's videogame.-

Kelsey doesn't believe her friend's words (what a great best friend!) and starts defending Danger, stating that until rumors are confirmed, one shouldn't believe everything people say. Little spoiler and big plot hole: much later we will discover that those "rumors" are actually suspicions of the local police, that have been investigating Danger for months, hoping to catch him red-handed. But Carly doesn't say this immediately, because... because...

After this dialogue, the two best friends run to the dance floor to have fun, but Kelsey doesn't have time to even drink another beer that she loses sight of Carly. So, half tipsy, she starts looking for her, walking "past all the people dancing with each other and the people huddled around jocks turned upside down drinking from a gallon".

I'm pretty sure that block parties don't plan activities like these ones. But this exaggerated perspective makes sense in the POV of a girl like her, who's been living in a closed-minded and churchy environment.

Still walking, Kelsey gets lost in a "huge valley of trees", where she comes across Danger and the whole gang, intent on hurting a poor guy who's begging for mercy. Seems like this guy owns the gang some money, but he's never been able to give them back.

So, mercilessly, Danger kills him, shooting him on the forehead.

While the rest of the gang is busy hiding the corpse, Danger notices Kelsey. She's a dangerous eyewitness, so the young criminal is forced to shoot her too... no, I'm sorry: HE KIDNAPS HER.

Kelsey is frozen because of the confusion (in fact, rather than being terrified, she's still wondering what is going on), so Danger can easily put her on his shoulder and carefully let her sit on the passenger's seat of the car, then start the engine and drive away in the night.

You better hold on to something, because from now on logic will disappear, never to come back ever again. It all starts with Kelsey that begs for her life... in a very peculiar way, let's say:

"Where are you taking me? Are you going to kill me? Oh god, I don't want to die. . . [...] Are you going to kill me? [...] I really need to get home. It's late as it is, and when my parents find out I snuck out, I will die. Literally."

[T.N. : In the previous version of the story, she did not even mention the possibility that Danger could kill her. Now it is somewhat more realistic, even though she still seems to think that her parents' detention would be worse than being shot by a literal murderer.]

Then the two of them argue briefly. Danger asks her if she's ever heard of him and if she believes the rumors about him, Kelsey replies that she's heard them, but she doesn't think they're true even though, deep down, she starts having some suspicions... Wait, WHAT?

"I'm guessing you heard about me then?"

"Yeah, more than I wanted to. Believe me."

"And you believe them?"

"No. . ." I flashed back to the argument I had with Carly back at the party and then my memory served what just happened moments ago.

From these few words of inner dialogue it's becoming more evident that Kelsey's character is simply impossible to deal with.

Evgenij:- I'd rather say she's brain-dead.-

Not only she didn't react at all witnessing a homicide with her own eyes (except from an initial shock), but seeing this Danger committing a crime is only making her DOUBT of his innocence!

Danger reassures Kelsey: he has no intention to kill her. Kelsey is not sure, so the dialogue takes a surreal turn.

"Take it down a notch shawty, I ain't gonna kill you."

Lady R:- "But I'll call you "shawty" and maybe death is preferable."-

"How would I know? I'm in a car with a murderer," I rolled my eyes, my arms crossing just about my chest.

"Are you going to throw that in my face every single time I open my mouth about something?" He growled lowly, his voice deep and his eyes dark.

"No... Sorry. . ."

"Good because I'm in no mood to hear you [...] Or you're annoying pleas about me."

From this brief exchange of words, Kelsey comes to a conclusion.

Either this kid is either A, mental. B, crazy or C, bipolar.

So far I'm leaning towards the bipolar side.

With a lot of mental gymnastics we could think our Kelsey, still young and ignorant, doesn't really know the concept of being bipolar and so is using it inappropriately.

And it could be done, considering the character and context. The problem arises when, throughout the whole fanfiction, every time Danger gets angry while a couple of seconds before he was perfectly calm (and it happens quite often), Kelsey will blame bipolarity for his behavior. In a couple of occasions she will reproach him, even saying something like

"You really need to stop being bipolar."

And this is twice as wrong!

First of all, because almost always it will be Kelsey the reason of Danger's anger (not that it justifies him).

Second, and most important thing...

Bipolarity is not a vice, but a real disorder that causes the person affected by it to not being able to control their emotional state no matter how hard they try. A bipolar person can go from a period of great excitement to one of deep depression like nothing. Things like love and friendship are not enough to limit their suffering; they can help, but first and foremost they have to go to therapy.

Lady R:- THANK YOU!-

Evgenij:- Also, it's unacceptable to try and justify a murderer since the very beginning thanks to a bogus psychological diagnosis.

Let's move on. There's another exchange of sarcastic sentences, then silence. Bored by the landscape (while she should actually pay attention to the street they're going because, you know, she has been kidnapped and knowing where she is could come in handy), Kelsey turns her head and looks at Danger, realizing in that very moment how sexy he is.

Hooray, the cliche of the appearance as a sugarcoating strikes again!

I'll say it without any fear of objections: the sparkled love between Kelsey and Danger (from now on let's just call him Justin, we all figured it out already) clicked only because they're both good looking.

If they both had been ugly, stay assured that Kelsey would have immediately described him as an irredeemable bad guy and Justin would have killed Kelsey and would have hidden her corpse.

The dialogue goes on. Justin repeats that he's not going to kill her and he will let her go, but first he needs to "figure a few things out".

HacchanADL:- The story would have taken a charmingly fun turn if the thing Justin had to understand was Kelsey's IQ.-

Kelsey is relieved, but she doesn't really know how to feel, so she starts making weird sounds from her stomach. Justin notices it and jokes about it, Kelsey replies, Justin starts laughing and... even Kelsey giggles, also feeling relaxed!

It's just like if Belle had started singing "Something There" right after the Beast had imprisoned her!

Evgenij:- It's even worse, considering the Beast never killed anyone!-

After that, Justin informs his new almost-friend that he's taking her to his lair and Kelsey starts panicking again at that thought. Let's specify: she's scared at the thought of entering a murderer's house, because sitting in the car right next to the killer in question didn't upset her at all.

Another example of how desperately Kelsey needs to sort out her priorities...

I'd lie if I said I wasn't letting my nerves get to me.

I'd also lie if I said I didn't get embarrassed when my butt rubbed against the leather of the seat and made a farting sound.

... so the journey (that lasted two boring chapters) ends and the two get in the house where Justin and his gang live. A "pretty good looking" house, as Kelsey says. The unfortunate girl is led to what is going to be her cage for that night, which is Justin's bedroom, that is wide like of an imperial suite, complete with a king-size bed.

Fanwriter91:- The typical welcome mobsters give to witnesses.-

After locking her in there, Justin goes downstairs and reunites with the other members of the gang, made of Bruce (Justin's vice, homonym of various other Bruce from other fanfictions), Mike, Marco and Dean.

Technically there's also a certain John, but he will appear later jumping out from a plot hole.

Like in the best tradition of second-rate bad guys, the five idiots start to re-elaborate the homicide in the park, as if they're reminiscing something that happened ten years before.

"The bum was begging for his life when Justin had him on his knees, a silver pointed to his head. Hilarious shit," Mike piped in as he dropped his weight onto the couch a few feet from Bruce.

"That shit was hilarious." Marco added with a grin. "He thought he could get away with not being able to pay the money. The jackass is so fucked he actually thought he had a chance to live--"

"Too bad Justin put a bullet to his head." Dean added in while opening a can of beer and plopping himself down on the arm chair.

Justin nodded his head, smiling. He loved when he was praised and the son of a bitch he killed was shitted on. "It was a pleasure working with him," Justin smirked as the crowd hollered in laughter.

These are our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

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