Taehyung

The call is, in fact, from Maya, and I end the call with a text message that I'll call back later, and I divert my gaze back to the woman in the room. She is deceived, hurt, angry, disappointed, and I have nothing in my capacity to help ease the situation.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a brief while and reflect upon why I resorted to seeking Maya's company and warmth, and my mind replays at full speed every moment in these few months where she held me, comforted me, reassured me and gave me strength and confidence.

The answers to all the questions in my mind and Jang-Mi's mind are dancing at the tip of my tongue, but spilling them out might put us in a place from where there is no return to our original lives.

Am I ready for it? What about our daughter?

Taehyung, you can't undo anything now.

I don't think much before I exhale deeply and open my eyes to look at Jang-Mi.

"I've been with Maya for a while now, and I have feelings for her," I confess, my voice coming out much lower than usual. "But if you think that it's only for sex, then it isn't true. Sex was the last thing that I wanted from her," the calmness of my tone agitates Jang-Mi as I observe from how she clenches her fist and how her jaw tightens before she quickly composes herself, and then her shoulders relax.

"So if it isn't for sex, then what is it for?" Her question hangs in the air for a while, followed by a few seconds of deafening silence.

"She was there for me when I needed her. Maya listened to me, consoled me, helped me relax and believe in myself. She encouraged me, made me feel important and loved, and she didn't belittle me and my efforts," my answers fly out without hesitation, clueless about where this confrontation is headed to, and my heart begins racing with each word I say; my voice sounds extremely nervous, my hands turning clammy and shaky.

Jang-Mi furrows her brows and tilts her head to one side casting me a judgemental look, and I exhale before I continue speaking.

"It was an emotional need more than anything else...something that I couldn't get from anyone else," my eyes drop to the floor before I comb my hair with my fingers and raise my head back to look at her.

"So, did you really think that among the two of us, only you had emotional needs?" She nods a few times looking down at her clasped fingers.
"I haven't been the kind of wife you expected me to be, and I know that. But neither have you been the kind of husband that I wanted you to be," her eyes lift to look at me standing rooted on the spot and nervously chewing the corners of my lips.

Before I could ask her for an explanation about why I haven't been a good husband in her perspective, she cuts in with a question.
"How serious are you about her? And this thing between the two of you? Whatever you decide to call it..." she asks with a straight face.

"Very serious," is all that manages to come out of me—however, it is the truth.

"So, leaving her is out of the question then, yeah?" I'm totally surprised by the sudden calmness and steadiness in her voice which is greatly confusing me at this point.

I nod my head, feeling a swirling of various emotions within my chest, my stomach wrenching and making me want to throw up.

"I'm leaving today with Areum. After this, we really can't reverse things between us," she states even more calmly, trying to leave things hanging and walk past me, but I grab her wrist and stop her in her tracks.

"What do you mean you're leaving? Jang-Mi, where will you go and why would you take Areum with you?" I turn around to look at her, still firmly holding her wrist, making her eyes land on mine.

"I'm going to live with my parents, it's the best for me," Jang-Mi uses her other hand to remove my hand from her wrist. "For us, and for everyone concerning us," she holds our gazes for a few seconds before walking away inside the bedroom, and my shoulders fall in defeat.

I really don't know how to feel or react to this, and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, and what I was even expecting her to say and react in this situation.

I was totally unprepared for any of this.

Quickly following her into the bedroom, I watch her as she pulls out her travel bag and begins to take out her clothes from inside the wardrobe.

"Jang-Mi, don't make any decisions when you're angry. This isn't right, you can't just leave with Areum. I can't stay away from her," the tone of my voice is stern despite the whirlwind of heavy emotions clouding my thoughts.

Jang-Mi pauses what she's doing and looks up at me.

"So what am I supposed to do then? Stay here and live my life as your wife for the namesake and raise Areum while you sleep around with another woman?" Her words sting my skin like poison darts.

My eyes widen, my jaw drops open, and my skin tingles at what she just said.

"I'm not just sleeping around with her, and I can't let you take Areum away from me. How do you think you can support her?" I don't hesitate to point out the reality of the situation, and pure anger is what I'm starting to feel at this point.

"So it has always been about the money, isn't it? Why am I surprised?" She chuckles sarcastically, shaking her head a little. "And if you're not just sleeping around with her, then what exactly are you doing? Is this about the money that I'm not making? Or is this about the money that she's paying you to warm her bed?" Jang-Mi spits venom and scowls through gritted teeth, clenching her jaw in disgust.

My fists ball up in rage, and the way my heart hammers upon hearing her words feels as though my heart might literally jump out of my chest any second now.

"What the fuck, Jang-Mi? What do you think I am? You think I go around selling myself for money? Fuck you! You give a damn about what and how I feel. You never cared, did you?" I let out a heavy breath that was choking my throat.

"Have you ever cared though?" She scoffs, rolling her eyes, again in an extremely sarcastic manner.

"You," I angrily point my fingers at her. "You noticed how I sneaked in at night and how my clothes smelled of perfume, but did you ever notice how I've been sleepless for so many years? Have you ever noticed how I've been struggling to keep myself together and gave up every little indulgence that I deserved just so I could support our family? Have you ever at least wanted to make me not feel guilty about not spending enough time at home just because I was running around making money to survive us? Just so we could raise our daughter in a decent manner? Just so I could be the responsible family man that everyone expects me to be? Huh?" I roar in rage, the decibel level of my words rising exponentially, my voice trembling a bit, and my tears threatening to fall, and I'm fighting hard not to let them fall and make me appear like the weaker one in this situation.

"Wow! So have you noticed how I've been sleepless and so tired of everything all these years? And have you really forgotten the way you ridiculed me and blamed me and made me feel so useless and guilty when I quit my job? Those are all still here, Taehyung," she points to her heart with her trembling hands, and continues speaking.

"And all of this what you just told you're doing, well, that's what every family man ever does, Taehyung. Does that serve as the reason for you to cheat on your wife? If every married man and woman with a family starts complaining about these things, then no family would ever survive. Everyone's going to go seeking company outside and cheating behind the back of their partner," Jang-Mi shoots out her frustration like bullets, flailing her arms in the air.

"So you're telling me that no matter how much you belittle me, dismiss my efforts and trample over my feelings and leave my emotional and physical needs unattended, I should still keep myself together and pull along just because I'm a married adult. Is that it, Jang-Mi? Should I just survive? Do I not deserve to live?" I raise my volume, planting my hands on my hips and arguing with all my might.

I can't believe that she just invalidated all my needs and dismissed everything as mere dust.

"We're all just barely surviving, aren't we, Taehyung? Everyone has unfulfilled emotional needs and physical needs and so many other strange needs, and if there's someone else out there who can give it to you, then what is even the point of marriage and family? Did you get married to just kill your loneliness? For the thrill of it? For the money I was making? Just so you can have someone you can take to bed whenever you need? What's the point of marriage for a man like you? I'm ashamed and disappointed, Taehyung," she slams a bunch of clothes on the bed and shouts out in anger.

That snaps me.

"Take to bed whenever I need? Please!" I laugh sarcastically. "Do you remember when was the last time we had sex? Two years ago? And fuck it! You bloody handcuffed me to talk to me the other day, and you still expect me to brush off all that as nothing and pull along shamelessly?" I peer down at her eyes and blow up all the frustration that was building within my chest.

Jang-Mi clenches her jaw in anger, her eyes glued to mine, and she speaks through gritted teeth,
"And the last few times we had sex, think about it, didn't you practically blackmail me into lying down for you?"  Her words slap me on the face, but I'm quick to fight back.

"Do you know what, Jang-Mi?" My tone is grave with disappointment and anger. "This marriage is the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it. I regret getting married to you, I regret wasting seven long years of my life with you...with someone who is so blind to the struggles and feelings of her husband," I fight back, taking a step closer.

"I regret it too. I regret everything. You are the worst thing to happen in my life," her tears fall, her voice cracks as she breaks down and begins crying miserably, but I don't feel a single ounce of sympathy for her. "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I DON'T EVER WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU," she screams out, crying as she buries her face in her hands and collapses on the bed.

"LEAVE THEN!" I scream right back. "LEAVE JANG-MI, LEAVE ME ALONE. IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE. GO LIVE HAPPILY, GO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO DO! JUST GO!" I yell at the top of my lungs before I storm out of the room and leave the house, grabbing my phone on the way and slamming the front door behind me with full force—the noise, sure to have sounded across the street.

Dashing back to my car while fighting my tears, I throw open the door and sit inside, trying to calm down, which seems nearly impossible right now. My tears burst out as I begin crying, my shoulders shaking and chest vibrating with my whimpers as I clench the steering wheel tightly and press my forehead on it.

I was fearing this moment, and I knew from my gut instincts that this was impending some day soon, but the way it unfolded and the words we threw at each other were not exactly how I thought it would be. To be fully honest, I didn't know how it would have been otherwise.

Am I guilty of cheating? Am I really such a bad person as she paints me to be?

But why would I even care about what she thinks and feels about me?

Well, I know why. She is still my wife of seven years, the mother of my daughter, and even though the spark in our relationship died a slow death, waking up next to her and surviving under the same roof with her are things that have become a part of my life.

Do I want to let go of her?

Letting go isn't so easy, not after I've been with her for eight years now.

But I also don't want to force myself to be in a relationship that is suffocating me and not making me feel worthy. I don't want to struggle and survive in a relationship for any reason other than my own happiness. It isn't worth it at all. My heart isn't here anymore, and that's the only thing that I'm certain about right now.

Shit!

More tears fall, the pain within my chest rising to my throat and strangling me, making it hard for me to breathe. My mind is a wreck, and so is my life.

Who would I come back home to? This place wouldn't even be home without my daughter. How will I survive without Areum? Will she really take my daughter away from me?

I throw my head back against the headrest and slap my palm against my forehead while trying in vain to stop my tears that seem endless now.

My phone begins ringing loudly, dragging me out of my grieving process, and it is a call from my subordinate—a call that I'm in no mood to answer right now. I click my tongue in frustration and wipe away my tears before I clear my throat and answer the call even though I feel like smashing my phone against a wall right now.

"Yeah, Miss. Kang?" I sniff back the last few tears and grab a tissue to wipe the tears flowing down my nose, speaking in the best voice I could manage amidst the mess that I am in.

"Mr. Kim, the meeting with the officials from Aura and Co. is in twenty minutes. We are yet to review the agenda. I called to know when you would be arriving, and in case you would be late, cou-"

"I'll be there in thirty minutes, and, postpone the meeting by an hour. Please send out a delay e-mail right away with an apology. I'm sorry for being late, I had something to attend to. I'll review the agenda once I get there," I end the call without waiting for an acknowledgment from her.

I have no idea what comes next, and as much as my mind is telling me to try and stop Jang-Mi from leaving, my heart wins the argument since it already knows who truly resides inside.

Let's hear your thoughts now.
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Published on : 05/20/2022