Đọc truyện Dear Boo - 😪I Need Help😪

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😪I Need Help😪

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Dear Boo,

Hey Boo it’s Grace* again❤️

I felt the need to write again because my life has become utter chaos and I’m having a heap of trouble dealing with it.

I’ve been working on trying to tell mum about my feelings and self-harm. It’s hard but I’ll get there.
Problem with the cutting: I’m obsessed. I can’t go half a day without seeing myself cutting or wanting to claw my own face off. I’m obsessed with blades, wanting to buy box cutters simply for the purpose of cutting myself, and I need to stop. I’m fascinated with cutting deeper and it’s scary because I’m 13, I’m just a kid. I’m not supposed to feel like this and I’m terrified. Like when did I go from a happy 12-year-old to this? And everyone thinks I’m so happy.

Off the topic of cutting, I have problems that are maybe even bigger. My abuser, as expected, denied that he sexually abused me. He denied it and that hurts a lot. I feel invalid and like no one believes me, and I know I was never raped so it makes it so much worse. Like I am so thankful I wasn’t, but I feel like what happened to me was minor so it doesn’t matter. And to add on to that, my two youngest brothers have to see my abuser(their dad) once a month supervised for 12 months till something else is decided. It’s not as bad as it could be yeah I know. But the person deciding everything is so under his spell and I can see it. She doesn’t believe me, I know that it’s obvious. I just want to hit something, scream, but I can’t because then mum will get worried and it’s all too much. I’m really hurting, and even though everyone says it will, it’s not getting better. It’s all going downhill. I can’t cope at all, I’m just stuck.

Sometimes I’m certain I’m depressed, other times I think of the symptoms I don’t have and tell myself I’m just being stupid and weak. On top of that, I think I’m developing an eating disorder and I know that’s really bad, I’ve seen it first hand when my mum had anorexia. I’m having problems with body image, and all I want to do is starve or throw up all my food. I’m scared to tell mum because I don’t want to add to her stress. And I don’t really want to stop, even if there’s part of my brain saying “hey this is bad for you. You want a future don’t you?” I’m clinging to the bad feelings because they are all I know now, I want the self-harm because I feel I need it, and well, the ED thing, I feel fat and I don’t want to be. And maybe if I lose weight everything will get better.

It sounds stupid as hell but I can’t help it.
I’m scared.

Thanks if you reply to this, it means a lot❤️❤️❤️

*Grace🙃🙃

🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄

Dear Grace*,

Hey, doll, thanks for writing to me again. I really appreciate all the massive amount of support you give me. I'm sorry your letter is late, I've had a lot going on and things just became overwhelming. I'm really glad you wrote to me, I like that you know I'm always here for you.

The problem with getting is that it can become an addiction. When you cut your mind releases endorphins, so you're so used to that feeling it becomes a *need*. When you want to cut try to make yourself wait one hour. When the hour is up tell your mind, "I waited one hour, so what's one more hour?"! Try to challenge yourself to see how long you can go without cutting.

I think you pay attention to blades now because you use them. Once something becomes a part of your life you tend to notice it more. Like, if you want a certain pair of shoes, but you can't buy them, you will notice more people wearing them. We notice thing we want and need more than things we don't want.

You asked when did you go from a happy twelve-year-old to this, well, you tell me! What happened the first time you cut? What made you feel if that was the only choice? Many people don't realize the true identity of people. A lot of people wear this fake happy mask to appear happy or okay in front of their friends. Saying "I'm happy" is easier than explaining what's wrong. Trust me, I understand this on a personal level, especially right now.

Of course, your abuser denied what he did, they rarely own up to the terrible things that happened. No matter what, you *are* valid! What happened to you *was* real and *important*! It *does* matter! Just because you weren't fully raped, doesn't take away how serious this is. You were still sexually abused in a very bad way, this is still a major crime and extremely hurtful. Did you ever tell anyone of authority what happened? If not, you definitely should!

I'm sorry that your brothers have to see your abuser. The only good thing is that the visits are supervised. That means someone with CPS will be in the room at all times during the visit. I know it's hard, but when you're ready, speak up! Be that voice I know you can be! Let everyone know what kind of sick monster this man is.

I agree that you have symptoms of clinical depression. If not managed it's something that can, and will, become worse over time.

I know you don't want to stress your Mom, but if you're developing an eating disorder the effects of that will be much worse on her and you if you wait to tell her. Let her know and take control before it becomes worse and you can't stop it. What about your body don't you like? Now, write down everything you love about yourself! Remind yourself of this every day. Embrace everything you love about yourself, tell yourself how beautiful you are, and how much you love yourself daily.

Weight doesn't guarantee things will be better. Many people have issues no matter if they're skinny, average, thick, chunky.. anything! Depression doesn't pick only chunky people to attack.

It doesn't sound stupid, Grace*. You have real problems with real feelings. You're not alone, dear. Knowing the wonderful readers as I do, they will comment some helpful tips on this, these people really care. Please take care of yourself and know when to ask for help. If there is anything I can help with, please let me know.

Love Always,
Boo