Saturday, February 8th, 2020

The day goes by smoothly after I apologise to mum about what I had said to her last night. She waves it off, like flicking a pesky fly away. She doesn't bring it up again, so I don't either. We move on.

I also agree to take the car to school, which makes her smile. I knew she was just trying to replace the memory of who used to drive it but either way, I just wanted to make it up to her. I didn't know how I'd go, but if worst came to worst, I'd just walk.

It's a rather boring Saturday until Kennedy texts me. Cooper was right about her being persistent. I hadn't wanted to give my number out to her, but she practically wrangled my phone from my hand.

Can I call you? :)

I almost smile. Kennedy was definitely the type of person to text someone asking if she could call instead of just calling to see if I pick up.

I contemplate it for a moment. It must be a moment too long because Kennedy, who I've also learnt isn't very patient, is now calling me.

She's written her name in as Ken, which I've never actually called her because I didn't think we were close enough for that just yet.

"Hey," I answer, my voice hesitant. "Everything okay?"

"Of course! Happy Saturday, Lonnie! How has your weekend been so far?"

It's crazy how happy she was all the time. I wish I could just have a slice of that.

"It's only 10 am."

"And?"

"I've only been up for half an hour."

"Oh, well, how has your half an hour been then?" she asks.

"Fine," I inform. "So, what's up?"

"Well," she delights, her voice soft. "Today is Bakley's annual carnival fundraiser in town. It's probably the most exciting thing there is to do here and everyone is going. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to show you around your new town and get to know you better."

This sounded like the worst opportunity to me, actually.

"Oh, actually, Kennedy, I can't today. Sorry. I've still— I have to unpack some more of my stuff and—"

"Oh, come on! You have tomorrow to do that! Please, Lon. Please come with us? It'll be fun, I promise!"

I sigh, biting my nail. My braclet slips down my arm, the bangles clattering together.

"I don't know," I speak, uneasy.

"Please, please, please? I'll even get one of us to pick you up."

I'd have to lie to my parents and I wasn't sure that I wanted to do that, not after the incident last night.

"I know we've only known each other for a week, but I thought you'd learnt by now! I will not take no for an answer."

I look out my bedroom window, watching my mother weed the garden. My father comes up next to her, offering her a cup of tea. She smiles at him, taking it diligently from his grasp.

I always admired their strength. A lot of marriages ended after a family tradgedy, but my parents weren't like that. They were a unit, you couldn't have one without the other.

I was about to break their trust without them knowing it and the worst part was that I didn't feel guilty enough about it.

"Okay. When should I be ready?"

After Kennedy stops thanking me, she asks for my address.

"Harry only lives a street away from you. I'll just text him and—"

"Oh, you don't have to do that, I can just—"

"He replied! Said that's fine. Okay, I'll see you in an hour!"

She hangs up before I even get another word in. I throw my phone down on the bed, letting myself flop down on top of it.

I stare up at the ceiling, drumming my fingers against my stomach.

This wasn't good. This was very, very bad. How was I going to explain to my parents that I was going into town but I wouldn't be taking the car? And then— oh god— when Harry pulls up in his car, they'll see me getting in.

I sit up suddenly. I had a weak plan forming, but a plan, nonetheless.

I slip on my sneakers, quickly check the makeup I'd put on, grab my purse and phone and head outside to the garden.

I open the back door leading to our garden. It was half the size of the one at our old house but it didn't both me that much. Without Nix, who always ordered me around to throw the footy with him, I probably won't be out here at all.

"Hey, guys," I say, making sure I sound slightly happier than usual.

They both look up at me, their hands sheilding their eyes from the sun as they weed the garden together.

"Look at you both, being all elderly and weeding the garden together. You'd think you were in your seventies not mid-thirties."

They don't laugh like they used to but they grin and that's enough for me.

"What makes weeding the garden elderly? Someone has to do it," mum says, pointing her weeder at me.

I clear my throat, ignoring her implication.

"Do you think it'd be alright if I took the car out? I'll probably only be a couple hours. I just wanted to check out the town, see what it's like."

"Sure, hon. Just be back by dinner."

Dinner wouldn't be at least until 6 and it was only 10:30 in the morning. I knew she was just happy that I was taking the car out, but I didn't think she'd be that eager.

Her only goal was to make sure everything was running smoothly and taking Nix's car meant that she was one step closer to being the happy normal family of three.

My dad doesn't question it either, just pats my shoulder and goes back to weeding.

It was slightly easier than I had imagined, but I wasn't about to argue. Who knew when they'd turn back to being overprotective of me.

I make sure to grab the car keys hanging on the hook by the door, my hand shaking slightly.

Once I shut the door behind me, I try to calm my breathing but just seeing it sitting in the driveway almost brings tears to my eyes.

"Where, Lonnie? Where?"

"School parking lot. He...that's where they found the car. The driverside window covered in his own—"

"Don't."

I'm reaching for the doorhandle before I even realise it.

I slam the car door shut and the world goes quiet. I gulp, close my eyes, open them. It takes me four attempts to get the keys in the ignition, to start the engine. My hands shake when I put the car into reverse, gliding out of the driveway.

I push the windows down, trying not to breath in the smell of bleach. It's already giving me a headache and I have to pull over just before the stop sign at the end of the street.

I open the passenger side door, empty my breakfast onto the sidewalk, wipe my mouth and drive over to Harry's house.

I had to text Kennedy just before I left to ask for his address, making up some excuse, saying it would be easy if I met him at his place.

I feel queazy and my eyes fill with tears.

Remember who you are now.

I fight back the overwhelming need to vomit again. I make sure to keep my eyes on the road as I pull into his street, searching for his number.

I was having an overwhelming irrational fear that the windows might still be coated in his blood so I made sure not look at them as I wound them back up.

I pull up out the front of Harry's house, cutting the engine. I'm out the door, breathing in the clean air.

"So you got dragged into this too, I'm guessing."

Harry's voice calls out as I spin around to face him. He's closing the gate behind him, a baseball cap pulled over his brown locks. He smiles kindly at me, gesturing towards his car.

"Something like that," I agree. "Is this something you do annually?"

He nods. "Ever since I was little. Used just be Coop, Ash and I. Then Syd joined when we were about nine and Ken came along later."

It's cute how he uses everyone's nicknames, it makes me want to smile. But then I remember that I vomited before and that I don't have any chewing gum.

I start to panic, but when I open my purse, I notice a packet of mints that I don't remember buying recently. At this point, I didn't care how old they were.

"You didn't have to drive here, you know. You practically live next to me."

"Oh," I croak, "that's fine. I don't mind driving."

Lie.

He watches me closely and I can tell he's trying to understand who I am, what I'm doing here, why I would drive one street over when he could have picked me up.

"I could take you to school too if—"

"No," I interrupt, almost harshly. "I mean, thanks but it's really fine. As I said, driving is...good."

He nods, before pulling off the curb and up the street.

Out of everyone, Harry was the person I knew the least, yet here he was, offering me a lift to school. I'd known them for a week and they were already making me feel like I belonged.

Most of the drive into town is filled with background music, the sound so low that I can't decipher who's singing.

"It must have been hard."

"Hmm?"

"Moving here this year. I just can't believe how okay you seem about moving in your last year of high school."

"Oh."

I watch out the window, not wanting to see him looking at me. "Winterville didn't have anything left to offer me anymore. I don't miss it."

Harry breaks hard at the stoplight on the outskirts of town. I can feel myself paling, bile rising to my throat.

"You're from Winterville?"

God, you are such an idiot.

These were the type of things I was supposed to be careful with. These little slip-ups would be my undoing if I didn't watch out.

"I lived on the boarder between towns," I lie.

"Did you go to Winterville prep? Did you know—"

I almost cover my ears. I almost bring my knees up to my chest. I almost start to cry.

Remember who you have to be.

"No," I whisper. "No, I went to... to another school."

I almost ask him to pull over. I almost want to text Kennedy and tell her I'm sorry, I can't come. I want this whole day to be over. This was what my life would be like now. This is what everything came down to eventually.

"A little lying never hurt anyone."

"Tell that to the history books, Nix. I think they'd show you otherwise."

"Always the wiseass, Miss Lonnie Mclaren."

"Here we are," Harry says, cutting the engine.

I almost don't hear him over the music, the laughter of the crowd, the happy energy, the disco lights. I almost lose myself for a moment and that's why I choose to stay. Why this suddenly was the greatest idea ever.

I hop out of the car, shutting it quietly. I spot Kennedy and Cooper leaning against a car, Sydney in the back, the door wide open. Asher's not far away, standing by the fairy floss machine. Seems about right.

Harry walks on ahead, hands in his pockets, head hanging low. I don't miss the looks girls are giving him, the sidelong glances, the double-takes. I didn't blame them, really.

"Lon!" Kennedy calls, waving me over like I wasn't already coming towards her.

"Hey," I say.

"Let's go," Sydney says, smiling at me as she grabs my hand and Kennedy's, dragging us towards the entrance.

The boys hang back, talking low. I meet Harry's gaze and he gives me a lopsided smile. I turn back around, my eyes closed.

Every time he spoke to someone now I'd worry he was telling them. It was paranoia that was getting to me. The paranoia that wouldn't let me relax.

"You must have known. How could you not?"

I never cried when Nix died. I never cried at his funeral. I cried when I was alone because I didn't deserve to cry in front of people who had lost more than me. I didn't deserve these people either, so maybe it was easier if Harry did tell them, if they did find out the truth about me.

"What should we go on first? The Big Dipper? The Break Dance?" Kennedy beams.

"What about the Dodgems?" Sydney questions.

"I'll catch you, Lonnie. No one is faster than me."

"Just you wait, Phoenix Mclaren! Just you wait! I'm the queen of Dodgems!"

"I think I'll pass on the Dodgems," I mutter.

"Me too," Kennedy agrees. "They always make me sick."

"Alright, I'll force Ash to go with me then," Sydney grins, falling back so that she can drag Asher off with her. I notice Harry following them but I look away before he sees me staring.

"Coops!" Kennedy hollers, "let's go win that panda!"

One giant panda win later, Kennedy can't wipe the massive grin off her face. Cooper is now trying to win me the mini turtle as he throws basketball after basketball into the small hoops.

Kennedy and I are leaning against the railing of the Dodgems, briefly watching Sydney and Asher crash into each other over and over.

"You know," Kennedy speaks, turning back to watch Cooper. "When I first saw Cooper, I actually didn't like him at all."

"Really?" I question.

"Yeah," she nods. "It was only because I met Asher first and well, you've met Asher. He's the most obnoxious person ever."

I can't help but give her a faint laugh.

"So, you know, I thought that it meant that Cooper must have been the same as him, being best friends and all. But then I actually met him and well, everything changed for me then."

Cooper looks back over at us, smiling at Kennedy, admiration clear in his eyes. He gives me a thumbs up before throwing his last shot and winning me the turtle.

"I'm usually not a nervous person, but it took before more than a month to speak to him. It was actually Sydney that pushed us together, who made me get up the nerve to kiss him. God, our first kiss," she reminisces.

"I'm not gonna lie, it was awful."

I look over at her in surprise, my eyebrows raised.

"I'd never kissed anyone before him," she admits. "Don't tell anyone I said that. Not even Cooper knows."

Secrets. They were the last things I needed, even if it was something as small as this.

"He seems like a great guy, Ken."

She spins to me, grasping my arm gently. "You did it. You just called me Ken," she says proudly.

More slip-ups. I was letting these people get attached to me too.

Cooper jogs back over to us, a green smiling turtle in hand. "Here you are, Lon."

"Thanks, Cooper."

Kennedy gives him a kiss before the rest of the group join us. Asher wraps his arm around me, burping loudly. Everyone yells at him, Sydney swatting his arm. Harry watches the exchange from the sidelines, a small smile playing on his lips. I watch his eyes linger on Asher's arm hanging against my shoulder, but he looks away quickly.

"So, how about we all get on the Ferris wheel before lunch?" Sydney asks. "Pair off!"

Kennedy grabs Cooper's hand, Sydney jumps onto Asher's back and I stand back watching them all.

Harry pulls his baseball cap off, placing it on my head. "Let's go, Hall."

He grabs my hand, pulling me through the crowd towards the Ferris Wheel. Everything was moving so fast, not just the crowd around me but everything.

I try not to focus on his hand wrapped in mine, or the feeling that seems to pass through me.

There isn't a line when we get there, the rest of the group already waving at us from above our heads. Harry passes two tickets to the guy letting people onto the carriages. He smiles at us, opening the carriage door and letting us sit down.

"Great ride for couples, isn't it?" the guy says.

I Instantly blush, letting go of Harry's hand. I shake my head, about to answer back but he pulls the lever, sending us slowly into the air.

I sit back in the carriage opposite Harry. He watches the world turning around as we get higher and higher.

"Don't tell anyone," he says, leaning his arms back against the railing, "but this is definitely my favourite ride. Best view, most peaceful."

I nod, watching the sun getting higher in the sky. "Better at night, though. You get to see the stars."

"Count them with me. I see twelve."

"Twelve? There's a sky fall of them, Nix."

"I know, but you always said you liked being the one to count them all. I thought I'd let you have it."

"You okay?" Harry questions, withdrawing me from my thoughts.

I shake my head. "Yeah. Just...daydreaming."

He rests his arms against his knees, leaning forward. He grips the front of his baseball hat on my head, moving it up more. "That's better. I can see your eyes now."

I look away, out to the fields. I hadn't been to the beach in a long time, but I could just glimpse it from up here, somewhere far away.

"You get this look when you start thinking," he says.

"What kind of look?"

"One I wish you didn't have. One that makes you seem like you're not really here, like you're somewhere else, somewhere that makes you sad."

"He didn't leave anything behind?"

"No, Lonnie. No note. No goodbye. The police have already searched through everything."

"Don't worry. Everything's fine."

One thing I like about Harry is that he doesn't push, he doesn't ask questions to pry. He only wants to know if people are alright and if not, he won't force them to speak up if they aren't ready.

"You wanna know something, Lon?"

"You wanna know something, London? You're a piece of shit, just like you're scum brother."

"What?" I gulp.

"I'm glad you moved here this year," he whispers. "I'm glad Ken found you. You even out our group," he smiles.

I press my palms into my legs, stopping the warmth from spreading right through me.

I take out my phone, pretending to be alarmed by the time all of a sudden.

"Did you need to get home?"

"Um, yeah. My parents...need me."

It takes us another ten minutes to finally get back down where the rest of the group is waiting. Once I've explained that I have to go home, they each give me a hug, even Asher. I have to look away before the tears pool in my eyes. I would not cry in public.

Harry drops me at his house and Nix's car is there, waiting just like I hoped it wouldn't be.

"Thanks," I say, going for the door handle.

"Wait, Lonnie," he says, uncapping a pen with his teeth, "In case you change your mind and you do ever need a ride to school, here is my number."

He reaches for my hand, turning it over, palm up. He delicately writes his number on my palm.

"You could have just put it in my phone," I whisper.

"Don't ruin the effect," he smiles.

I realise suddenly that I'm still wearing his cap. I go to pass it back to him but he stops me. He pulls away once he's finished with my hand.

"Keep that hat. I've got three more. Liam used to work at this sportsmart and he always got the same hat for me every Christmas as a joke."

"Liam. Your cousin, right?"

"Yeah," he smiles, "you remembered."

Something passes over his face briefly, but I can't quite decipher the emotion before it disappears completely. He looks out the windshield and I know the moment has passed now, that it's time to face the drive back to the house, no matter how short.

"Well, I should probably get going," I say, tugging on the brim of the cap. It makes Harry smile, which was exactly what I was trying to achieve.

"See you then, Lon."

"See you, sis."

"Bye, Harry."

"See you later, Nix. At school?"

"Yeah. School."