Monday, June 1st, 2020

Nix's car almost didn't start this morning. The brisk winter air had frozen over the windscreen and rattled the engine.

I'd brushed off the frost, my hands turning numb. I'd lost my gloves and I didn't have time to find them this morning.

The engine had spluttered three times before it finally warmed up. I was going to walk, but when I got outside and it was less than 10 degrees celsius, there was no way.

I've been sitting in the parking lot for five minutes, staring out at the people amongst me.

Most people trailing near their cars were minding their business. But some were lingering over by the main entrance, staring straight at my car.

I'd thought that it wasn't real. I thought I was imagining it. When I went back to school after what happened people stared at me. I was probably just being paranoid because of that.

I wasn't. It was real. I could see people whispering to each other in the distance, pointing at the car.

My hands are shaking when I finally remove the key from the ignition.

"Calm down. Calm down," I whisper to myself.

I was worried about something that probably had a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I step out into the cold air, the wind blowing my hair in front of my face, blocking my vision. I pull my school blazer closer around me, my eyes flickering over the faces who stare back.

It doesn't seem real until I'm at the entrance, walking up the steps. People are staring. It gets worse once I shoulder passed everyone, bumping open the door.

The hallway seems to falter when I enter. The noise levels quieten significantly. My steps stop abruptly, watching as all eyes turn to me.

"Surprised she showed her face," a guy mumbles nearby.

When I meet his gaze, he sends me a hard glare. I turn away instantly, quickening my pace.

I just needed to get to my locker. I'm sure whatever was going on, there was a plausible explanation.

"Lonnie!"

I spin around on my heal, my heart racing.

"Is it— is it true?"

It's Sydney, barrelling towards me. She grabs me by the arm, pulling me away from watchful eyes and into a corner.

"What?" I ask, frantic. "Is what true?"

But I already know. Before the words leave her mouth, I already know.

"That you have a brother and he— he was the one to—"

"No," I whisper, my voice wavering. "No, no, no."

I suddenly become very aware of the walls, the lockers, everything. Everywhere I look, I see Nix's face.

Newspaper articles and posters have been printed and stuck to nearly every locker in the senior hallway.

DARK PHOENIX MASSACRE

Murder-suicide suspect Phoenix McLaren...

POPULAR TEEN MURDERS PEERS IN STATE'S WORST SCHOOL MASSACRE.

And underneath them all, my name printed in block letters.

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR PAST LONDON "HALL". EVERYONE DESERVES THE TRUTH.

"The posters," she croaks. "The news articles...they're about...your— you had a brother. Phoenix McLaren is your brother."

"I— I—"

"Tell me it isn't true," she pleads. "Tell me that your brother didn't kill— kill Liam."

Tears well up in my eyes and I shake my head. Realisation dawns on Sydney's face and she takes a step back from me.

"Syd, let me explain, I—"

"You lied to us," she whispers. "You lied to all of us for months. We trusted you."

"Please, I'll tell—"

"Lonnie?"

Kennedy appears behind Syd's shoulder. Her face is ashen.

I hold out my hands and notice how much I'm trembling. "Just— just let me— let explain everything."

Kennedy's eyes well up with tears. "You knew about Liam the whole time. You knew about your brother this whole time and—"

"Please," I beg. "Please, just let me tell you everything before you..."

It was too late. They'd already made up their minds.

"Do you know what this will do to Harry?" Kennedy's voice breaks and my heart completely shatters.

"I know," I sob. "That's why I— I wanted to stay away but—"

"You've known this whole time!" Kennedy shouts.

I feel like the walls are closing in around me. Nix's stone-cold face is staring back, haunting me.

"I didn't know the whole time, I swear. I just— I found out at the fundraiser who Liam was. I didn't know my brother had killed— I didn't know the whole time."

"That was months ago," Kennedy says, hoarsely. "You've been lying to us for months. And this entire time, you lied about your brother."

"I couldn't tell you!" I defend. "I couldn't tell you because I selfishly knew that it would ruin everything."

"You should have told us from the beginning," Sydney whispers.

"I couldn't," I shake my head. "It's why I moved here in the first place. It's why I had to change my last name."

"We trusted you," Kennedy says, incredulously. "Harry— oh my god. Harry fell in love with you."

Harry Coleman. The man who had changed my life. The man who made me think that I was worth something.

"I never wanted to hurt him," I whimper. "I never wanted to hurt any of you. It wasn't my intention."

They both stare at me, teary-eyed.

"Yeah, well. It's a bit late for that."

Kennedy brushes passed me. I crane my neck, watching as she becomes smaller and smaller in the distance. Sydney wipes her eyes and I want to say something to her but I can't find the words.

"Syd..."

She walks off in the opposite direction to Kennedy, fighting her way through the growing cluster of people.

People are beginning to stare again. I can't be here. I can't do this.

I begin to walk off, keeping my head down when someone barrels into me, pinning me against a locker.

"Do you know what it feels like now, huh? Do you know what it feels like to have everything ripped away from you?"

Aubrey places her arm against my windpipe. She pushes down hard and I choke, grasping at her fingers.

Deja-vu hits me like a tonne of bricks. The familiarity of her arm against my throat only makes everything worse.

She slams me against the locker. My eyes are bulging from the pressure. I'm clawing at her arm but she's holding on so tight that it's impossible to get a steady grip.

Anger was the strongest human emotion, stronger than love. Stronger than anything. The rage had completely consumed Aubrey and she was on a path of destruction.

"Now you know what it felt like for me when your fucking—" she slams my head back against the locker, "—brother ruined my life!"

Everyone was pretending not to notice. I searched the crowd for someone, anyone. But no one wanted to help me.

"You are such—"

"Hey! Get off her!"

Aubrey's arm is ripped away from my throat. I place my hands on my knees, my chest rising and falling.

Cooper pulls Aubrey away from me, glaring at her. He lets go of her wrist, telling her to get out of here before he sent for a teacher.

"This isn't over," she sends me one last withering glare before sauntering off.

Cooper comes up to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. He begins to walk me outside, pushing people out of the way who stare.

"Back the fuck up," he shouts. "What the fuck is wrong with all of you? She was being assaulted and—"

"Her brother killed people!" someone shouts. "Who knows what she's capable of!"

I close my eyes, letting Cooper lead me outside.

Once the cool air touches my skin, I'm able to start breathing again.

Cooper leads me over to the steps. They'd cleared now. Most people were inside, getting ready for class.

"Thank you," I whisper, wiping away my tears. I sit down on the stairs, leaning against the railing.

Cooper sighs, wracking a hand through his hair. "I don't even know what to say," he says, truthfully. "Is it true?"

"Yes," I mumble. "Nix is— was my brother."

"Jesus," he mutters, cradling his head in his hands. "This is so fucked."

"I know," I quiver. "I know. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry."

Cooper shakes his head. "I don't know what to tell you, Lonnie. I don't know how to go about this."

"That's okay," I whisper. "I know everything has changed now. You don't have to— you don't have to stay out here with me. Go to class."

"I don't want—"

"I'll take it from here, Coop. You head to class. I've got a free."

Asher pats Cooper on the shoulder. They glance at each other momentarily. Cooper nods, walking off with one last lingering glance.

Asher sits down next to me, staring out at the car park. He's silent for a while, both of us staring straight ahead. I can tell that he's unsure of where to even begin. How to possibly comprehend what has happened.

"When my sister died of cancer two years ago," Asher begins, "I went down a path of destruction. No one could help me. I drank every day, didn't come home at night. My parents were worried sick, Cooper and Harry...they didn't know what to do."

I suck in a breath, turning to Asher.

"It took me months to realise what I was doing to myself. And I only really changed because of our friends. They never gave up on me."

"I'm sorry. I never knew any of this," I whisper, entwining my fingers.

"I don't like to bring it up," he sighs. "It wasn't my finest year."

"But why tell me all this now?" I ask.

"Because, Lon," he begins, "you need to realise that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you push people away, we will all still be there for you."

My chest caves in and I can feel my tears welling up. A sob rips from my throat and I lean into my hands. Asher places a tentative hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently.

"I saw Kennedy's face. She's so, so disappointed in me. And this is different. They had no reason to hate you. But for me...I've ruined everything."

"She's just always been protective of Harry. Especially since Liam's..." Asher winces like he expects his words to make me cry harder.

"Since my brother killed him," I finish, feeling my chest tighten like a coiled spring.

Asher falls silent, his gaze set intently on the sky. "She sees him as a brother. Same with me. She's always looked out for us and visa versa. We're all like a family."

"I'm sorry I ruined everything."

He turns to me, scraping a hand over his buzz-cut. "I'm not saying that everything is going to be easy, but you haven't ruined everything. Just...give the others some time, alright?"

I bring my knees to my chest, resting my head against them.

"I guess you understand why I was such a mess at the fundraiser now, huh?"

He nods, "when I heard...everything suddenly made sense. That's when you realised who Liam was, right?"

"Yeah," I mutter.

"And why you made me promise that I would tell Harry how sorry you were at your party?"

"Yeah," I repeat, monotone.

Dark clouds are growing in the distance, promising heavy rain.

"You've gotta talk to him, Lon."

My chest tightens. I feel like vomiting. "I know."

"He loves you."

Everyone seemed to think that loving someone instantly meant that you could forgive people for anything. But life didn't work like that.

"I wish he didn't," I answer honestly.

"I know," he whispers. "But you can't erase what's happened between you. And anyway, would you want to?"

I knew all about wanting to erase the past. But part of me, the selfish part, still wanted to hold onto Harry and my friends.

"I don't know. The right thing would have been to leave this town as soon as I found out, never looking back. And I definitely should have told my parents about Aubrey."

"Hindsight's a bitch, right?" Asher states.

The final bell rings and I listen to it ring out before continuing.

"God, my parents. I don't know how I'm going to break this to them. They've been trying so hard to even catch a glimpse of normalcy since Nix died and now I've ruined it all."

Bile rises in my throat and I lean against the railing again, pressing my head against the cool metal.

The worst part of all of this was the fact that I felt like some of the weight of my secrets had been lifted from my chest. People knew the truth and now, I didn't have to hide anymore.

"I have so much to think about now. But first," I sniff, wiping my eyes, "I need to speak to Harry. Do you know where he is?"

"I think—"

"I'm here. I'm right here."