Saturday, March 21st, 2020

The last time I had slept over at someone's house was the weekend before my brother did what he did.

It had been with Millie. We had stayed up all night talking about who we would take as our formal dates next year whilst stuffing our faces with junk food.

I'd just broken up with my boyfriend of three months, Ryan, but it hadn't been that serious. Nonetheless, Millie always planned sleepovers if one of us was heartbroken. 

Little did I know, less than a week later she wouldn't even talk to me, let alone look at me.

Everything I used to worry about seemed so cynical now.

Who the fuck cared if I had a date or not for the formal, I wanted to scream at my past self. How did you not see what your brother was about to do?

I'd snuck out twenty minutes ago and I was just arriving on foot to Kennedy's house.

She'd hounded me all week about having a sleepover with her. She'd been really worried about me throwing up in the bathroom but I reassured her I wasn't sick. Sick to my stomach with worry maybe, but not ill.

I had successfully avoided the girl from my old school all week, whose name I still couldn't remember.

I reluctantly agreed that I would stay over but that I'd have to leave early the next morning. I needed to make sure my parents didn't see that I was missing.

I'm about to knock on her door when it swings open. I expect it to be Kennedy herself but it's not.

"Oh! You must be London!"

It's clear straight away that its Kennedy's mother. They have the same dark brown hair and brown eyes. She has an easy grin, one that instantly makes me feel welcome.

Kennedy had already informed me all about her mother. She was a news reporter for the local paper, which already made me uneasy. I had a bad history with journalists.

"Yes, hi."

"I'm Laurel, Kennedy's mother. It's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things."

"Oh," I blush, not knowing what to say to that. I couldn't think of a single wonderful thing about myself. I was sure that Laurel was just saying this to be nice anyway.

"Come on in, London. The girls are both upstairs in Kennedy's room. I love your name, by the way."

She was so much like Kennedy that it was almost scary. She seems so genuine and sincere that when she turns back to smile at me, I feel like I am talking to Kennedy, just thirty years into the future.

"I'll show you the way," she says, guiding me up the stairs.

I notice the family portraits hanging on the walls, mostly candid shots. I notice one that stands out of Kennedy and what must be the younger brother she had briefly mentioned before, Finn.

I only see one picture with Kennedy's father but Sydney had already mentioned in private not to talk about him. He'd left when Kennedy was younger and it was still a tough topic for everyone. I understood that and didn't think twice. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt any of them by bringing something like that up.

"Just this room," Laurel smiles, knocking lightly. "Girlies, London's here!"

The door swings open suddenly, producing a beaming Kennedy.

"Finally," she says, rolling her eyes. "I thought you'd gotten lost or something."

She pulls me inside her room, quickly speaking to her mum before shutting it behind her.

"Hey," Sydney smiles, making room for me to sit on Ken's double bed.

I look around her room and can't help but feel like I've been transported into a Tumblr girl's dream. Polaroid pictures fill one side of Kennedy's wall, all neatly lined up and straight. Fairy lights are hanging over her bed and a salt lamp sits on her bedside table. There is also a framed picture of her and Cooper smiling at the camera with the words happy first anniversary, Kens, scrawled on the bottom of the frame.

Kennedy notices me smiling and reaches out for the picture. "He gave it to me as an anniversary present. God, I love him."

Sydney pretends to gag and Kennedy shoves her lightly, laughing.

"You'll find someone eventually, Syd. Then you'll know what it's like."

Sydney shakes her head. "I'm not interested. I'd rather focus on myself than have to deal with someone else's problems."

Kennedy shakes her head. "When you love someone, though, you don't see it as dealing with their problems. You just want to help them because you care."

Sydney shrugs, picking at a lint ball that has gathered on Kennedy's white duvet cover.

"I just don't see myself falling in love, you know? It just isn't in the cards for me."

"Never say never," Kennedy raises an eyebrow, pointing her finger at Sydney.

Sydney shrugs. "I like my independence too much. I think that's what it is."

Kennedy puts the framed picture back down and flops back onto her bed, nearly falling on top of Sydney.

"I guess that way you never have to get hurt," I say, tucking my legs up under my chin.

Kennedy frowns, rolling onto her side to face us.

"But you can't live like that forever. Getting hurt is just apart of life. No matter how hard you try, you'll always care about someone. And that person will eventually end up leaving you, intentionally or unintentionally."

"You mean, like, YOLO and all that?" Sydney grins.

Kennedy laughs and I can't help but smile.

"I haven't heard that saying since I was, like, twelve. But yes, YOLO. You can't live your life in fear of getting hurt. You just have to live."

I gulp. Even though none of this conversation was directed at me, I felt personally affected by all this talk of living life to the fullest. It wasn't something I felt I could do at the moment.

I'm glad when they move on to talking about their upcoming autumn break plans.

"You know what I realised the other day and just remembered again now?" Kennedy says. "We don't have any of your socials, Lon! How crazy is that, Syd? We've known her for two months now and we don't even know her Instagram."

Now we were back on a topic that I didn't want to talk about at all.

I had deleted all my social media when everything happened last November. I'd received one too many death threats and just couldn't take it anymore. Besides, I lost all my friends so what was the point in following any of them?

But it wasn't just that. I couldn't afford to be so careless anymore. I couldn't have any social media in case someone realised who I was.

"Oh. I've never been big on the whole sharing your personal life online."

"So you don't have any social media?" Sydney says, her jaw-dropping. She was looking at me like I'd just committed a crime.

"Nope," I mumble, focusing on the polaroid wall behind Kennedy.

"I respect that," Kennedy admires, nodding her head. "Social media is both a burden and a saviour. I've never hated something and loved it at the same time more than social media."

The day after everything happened, I remember vividly logging onto my Twitter and just seeing everything that people were tagging me in. I felt so numb at the time that it didn't really hit me. I just deactivated my account and left it in the past.

UR A FUCKING KILLER TOO @LonMcLaren

You BETTER die soon or else I'll do the dirty work for you @LonMcLaren

THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT U  @LonMcLaren

u are a monster. @LonMcLaren #Londonbridgeisfallingdown

At least her brother took his own life. How can she still wake up every day and think she deserves to live? @LonMcLaren #Londonbridgeisfallingdown

"Well, at least you have a phone," Sydney jokes.

I try to laugh but it falls flat. I wasn't feeling it tonight. I didn't want to talk about social media or YOLO-ing my way through life.

"So, when are we going to meet your fam, Lon?"

Kennedy says it so casually like it means nothing. And it should mean nothing. But it meant everything to me.

"My parents work crazy hours," I lie. "So, it'll probably be hard to ever meet them."

"I feel like we don't know much about your family at all, Miss Secretive," Sydney jokes but I feel my stomach drop.

"Not much to know," I mutter, shrugging my shoulders.

After that, Kennedy orders us pizzas and we spend the rest of the night watching movies and wearing sheet masks.

I can't stop thinking about Sydney's comment all night though. Even when I'm lying awake in bed, listening to Sydney snoring lightly and Kennedy sleep talking. I can't stop thinking about how much I'm putting on the line just by being here.

I needed to realise that this wasn't just affecting me but it was going to affect my parents even more.

Letting that all sink in, I start to let myself drift off to sleep, wondering what my life would be like now if Phoenix had never picked up that gun in the first place.