Monday, February 3rd, 2020

When it first happened, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't look at my features and not see him. Blonde hair, dark eyes that almost looked black.

I take a breath now, leave my eyes closed momentarily, reach for my hairbrush and let reality sink in.

I gulp, watching my hand move along with my brush. My reflection stares back at me, tormenting me.

"You must be twins."

I close my eyes, steady my breathing and start from my roots again. I reach for a hair tie sitting neatly on my dresser. My fingers shake, the way I imagined my brothers did before he pulled the trigger.

I flinch, watching myself in the mirror. Watching him.

"If your hair was shorter and your features were less feminine, you'd pass for his clone!"

It takes me three attempts to satisfactorily tie my hair into a high pony.

There is a knock at my bedroom door and I jump.

"Lonnie? It's getting late. School starts soon," my mother's voice wavers, sounding muffled from behind the hard wooden door.

She was nervous, I was sure. Starting a new job was never easy, especially when she didn't know if her coworkers already knew of her.

"That's her. The Dark Phoenix's sister. Oh, and that must be the mother."

"I'll be ready in five."

I expect her to respond, the way she used to. My mother never used to finish a sentence without pet names like sweetheart or honey. Things were different now though. I needed to remember that.

After a beat, I hear her footsteps backing away from the door and I breathe a sigh of relief.

My parents were more cautious these days. They didn't say it out loud, but I knew they had trouble trusting me.

When we moved to our new house, the first thing my parents did was remove the deadbolt that slid across my door.

"We just need to be more open with each other," my father had said, patting me on the head like he had been doing since I was five.

I wanted to tell them that I had always been open, that it wasn't me who had changed everything. But I'd learnt in recent months that sometimes it was just easier to keep my mouth shut.

I tie up my shoes, fix my school blazer in the mirror. Whilst making sure I don't make eye contact with myself, I pick up my bag and open the door.

I see my dad first, sitting at the dining table, reading the paper. He takes a bite of his toast before his eyes peer over the top of the article he's reading. He gives me a tight-lipped smile, the best he can offer me these days.

"Morning, Lon."

"Morning, Dad."

I grab myself a fruit bar, the packaging crackling as I throw it in the bin. Dad doesn't even glance up from his paper. That's how much things have changed. He used to give me a stern glare, telling me to eat something more nutritious.

"It's the most important meal of the day, London," he'd said, a strong emphasis on my name.

My mother scrambles into the kitchen, a bobby pin between her teeth and a high heel in her hand. She passes me the car keys, kisses dad on the head and puts her shoe on before we head towards the front door.

The hot summer sun beats down on my face and I squint, blinded by the overbearing light. The door slams shut behind us and I dig my nails into my palms, trying to stop myself from jumping. It was hard these days.

We hurry to the car, mum instantly blasting the air-con as soon as she has the engine going. She reverses out of the driveway and away we go. Starting our new life.

"The police called last night," she says, pulling up at the stop sign at the end of our new street.

I bristle, glancing over at her but pretending that her words haven't affected me. When it came to topics that made my mother uncomfortable, she'd rather just blurt it right out instead of making small talk first.

I had noticed subtle changes in her behaviour, though. My mother had always been a strong woman. She was someone who'd speak their mind if things weren't right. But lately, she'd begun tiptoeing around the subject of my brother. She wasn't so open about certain topics and Nix was certainly one of them.

"Why?" I croak, clearing my voice.

"They're finally finished with his car after all those months. It's back in our possession now. Your father is taking the day off work to go and collect it from the station."

We'd moved three hours away from our old town, my old life. Dad would have to take the journey back and I knew that wouldn't be easy for him.

"Why?" I question again, my voice sounding harsh.

"Why what?" my mother almost snaps.

She seems to check her resolve just in time. I knew she needed to stay calm. It was her first day at work. People needed to see that she was just a nice, normal person.

"Why would we even bother getting it back?"

She turns to me and I meet her exasperated look. "That car is six months old. Why would we get rid of it? Besides, you need a car, don't you? I thought you'd be happy."

You thought I'd be happy with the car my brother shot himself in? I want to scream.

"The seats have been changed. Your uncle paid for all new leather ones just for you," my mother whispers, taking a sharp right turn.

Just for you. What bullshit. My extended family didn't know how to deal with what had happened, so they thought they could just pretend it hadn't. If they could, they probably would have tried to cover up the entire disaster themselves.

Mum takes another right turn and then the school comes into view.

It wasn't anything new, I'd seen it only last week when we had moved here. It wasn't special either, just as plain and simple as my old school.

Mum pulls into the carpark and cuts the engine. I don't bother going for the door handle, knowing that she's going to give me a lecture before I get the chance to leave.

She grasps onto my hand tightly but carefully, like she's worried I might break beneath her fingers.

"Listen to me, alright?"

I nod slowly, ready for her to give me the information that she so readily needs to spit out.

"I need you to remember who we are now."

"I'm not Lonnie Mclaren anymore, I'm Lonnie Hall. Which was your maiden name and it's only there now as a precaution in case people were to recognise —"

"No," she cuts in. "I want you to realise that you can't be the person you used to be here. It's not just your last name that's changed. Everything else has to change too."

You think I don't know that? I almost bite back.

"You've got to keep quiet now. I just...as much as I want you to make new friends in your final year of school, starting fresh and all that, you also need to realise that the less you say, the better for all of us."

I look away, out the window. Students were walking up the steps towards the school now, laughing with their friends.

I knew she was right. I needed to be careful here. Although it was unlikely that anyone would know who I was. The media weren't allowed to film or name me as I was a minor, but secrets still had a way of getting out.

"I understand, mum. I do," I whisper.

"I know, sweetheart," she brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, one that must have escaped my pony.

There it is. A slip-up. An old side of her that I hadn't seen in months.

"Have a great day, alright?"

"You too," I nod, kissing her cheek and reaching for the door handle.

Before I can slam it shut, my mother calls for me.

"Just remember who you are, Lon. Remember who you have to be now. Be careful around people, alright? Don't get too attached."

Remember who I was, she was saying, and let that part of you go.

"The Dark Phoenix's sister."

"The killer's sister."

A gust of hot wind brushes my blonde hair against the side of my face and I flick it back, out of my eyes.

This was what I had to do with my past now. Sweep it away, like the summer breeze. If I held onto the past too tightly, there would be gaps where my secrets could escape.

I couldn't let that happen.

Eek! First chapter!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot.

I'm excited to see how this book goes and I'm excited to take you all along with me on another journey.

Stay safe. Stay inside. Look after each other. I'm online all the time if anyone wants to chat about anything. It doesn't even have to be about the current situation regarding the virus. It can be about anything!

By reading my stories, you all support me. I hope you realise I'm also here to support you.

Love you all,

Mads xoxo