This morning there's been a special request for our event reporting services. Apparently Polly Parker-Carr has asked for us to attend the Our Lady of the School Fetes, school fete. Polly Parker-Carr is now the principal of Our Lady of the School Fetes. Yes, she used to be principal of Dark Park High, but after the fiasco of the Dark Park formal, she had a major melt down and didn't work for several months. The idea is to write a rosy review to attract more pupils to the school where there's a better education available than at Dark Park High. We immediately said yes, cos it means we can get out of our work for several hours; Stacey at Delfines Academy of Beauty and me at War Paint. Both Delfine and Marissa gave us a hard time. Marissa said; 'When is this reporting nonsense going to stop? It's such a waste of time.' Delfine told Stacey; 'Well you're going to miss out on a vital lesson, but don't let that bloody bother you'. Always the passive aggressive, is Delfine. Dr Una had to explain to us what passive aggressive means. 

We tried to look our skanky best to go to Our Lady at Beauvais Heights.

Anyway we both shrugged our shoulders to show we really didn't care, which we don't, said we didn't know when we'd be back and jumped into a taxi. We'd dressed in typical Scrubber-Town style; me in very ripped jeans and tank top and Stace in a tight mini dress. We also both have new tattoos and luckily the weather was fine and warm enough to bare our arms. We think that most likely no-one in Beauvais Heights has tattoos, so we were quite looking forward to the reaction. First of all, on our  arrival in Beauvais Heights, we agreed that we needed coffee; like a mega strong one. We found this cafe called the Tectonic Plate. Silly name but we ordered coffees, with something extra in it, please. The waitress offered Hazelnut, Mocha, and Butterscotch, but when we said not that sort of something extra, she frowned and said she didn't know what we meant.

Stacey shouted so everyone would hear:' Brandy, Scotch, even Vodka; whatever you got'.

The waitress argued that it was only 10 in the morning. Stace piped up that we always had our coffee that way, even if it was six in the morning, so the waitress shrugged, but came back with two large coffees laced with, we think, brandy. Hard to tell, because we had to ask for more, as she hadn't put enough in it. She was so stuck up and sounded like she had a rod up her arse.

Stace had the nerve to ask what 'Tectonic' Plate meant. The waitress just looked down her nose at us and said it pertained to seismic activity and maybe we should go back to school. We made a mental note to ourselves to ask Dr Una when we returned, what the pertained, tectonic and seismic parts meant.

We then walked the short distance to 'Our Lady' and who should meet us at the gate but Penelope Parker-Carr, Polly Parker-Carr's snobby head-prefect niece, accompanied by two of her side-kicks.

'Where do you think you' re going? demanded Penelope.

Above: Penny Parker-Carr and her two sidekicks, Paris and Paige.

'Your stupid school fete,' I told her, and we have to report to Polly first.' She wants us to do a review of the fete to encourage more pupils to come to your school, though goodness knows why.'

'Firstly, it's Ms Parker-Carr to you and secondly, I don't believe you. I'll have to ask aunt Polly myself.'

'Whatever, but don't take too long, cos we're busting to go to the loo'. And to demonstrate, we crossed our legs.

So there we were, stuck at the gate to the school oval, being eyed up and down by Penelope's obnoxious ( Dr Una's word) BFFS, Paris and Paige, who were giggling, nudging each other and pointing.

'We've never met a real Scrubber before," said Paige.' It's a real eye opener.'

'Here we've got two for the price of one,'replied Paris. They both high-fived, whispered and giggled.

We'd had enough waiting and I was absolutely busting to go to the loo, so we just pushed past the two BFFS, and said: 'Stand aside bitches' and made our way on to the school oval.

'You have to wait for Penelope to say it's OK for you to come,'shouted Paris.

'No we don't,' countered Stacey, 'it's a free country, so youse can f...off.  We'll do what we like.'

After the loo, we made our way to Polly, who was standing chatting to sleazy old Father Cedric, the Parish Priest or whatever. Penelope was nowhere to be seen.

Father Cedric got a good eyeful of the 'yummy mummies'

Polly paused as she explained what she wanted us to do. Basically just look around, jot down some notes and take photos on our phones and enjoy the sunshine. Enjoying the sunshine we could do, made even better by the drinks in our bottles. Neat Vodka in one and water in the other. Two each.

Polly then made an announcement;

'Good morning Mums, Dads, Dignitaries (surely she didn't mean doddery old Father Cedric?) and visitors. Welcome to our first healthy food fete. This is by request from many of you, especially the Mums, to hold a fete free of sugar, salt and fat. We're sure you'll enjoy what's on offer instead.

Stace nudged me and we looked at each other and rolled our eyes. A good fete to us means sticky toffee apples, plump donuts, iced cakes,hot dogs, salty chips, hamburgers and soft drink. Polly droned on;'There's craft stalls to visit, vintage clothing;  we thought probably mumsy old floral dresses from the 90s, the fruit salad stall, the chickpea stall and much more. We've made one concession and that is that plenty of coffee and tea will be available. Cheers went up. She continued.'We have races for all the age groups and the yummy mummy competition isn't far away. Go and have some fun, everyone.'

We don't know whether those last words were meant to rhyme, but it sounded lame. We weren't sure whether we were going to have fun, but it was better than being with Marissa at War Paint or Delfine at Delfine's Academy of Beauty.

We roamed around for a while, bored by all the sports events going on. We don't know how anyone manages to enjoy school sport. We used to do anything we could to get out of it when we were at school. Here all the kids were squealing and jumping up and down; silly little morons .We did watch a game of tunnel ball where the girls were kicking the backsides of kids who lost the ball, so that was a bit more entertaining. Still, our mood was helped by the sun and some Vodka. After a while, we'd had enough of walking, so pulled in at the fruit salad stall. Neither of us likes fruit salad much, but we thought at least they'd have some cream to smother it with. We have the aerosol stuff at our house. That's the best, as you can make mountains with it. When Stace asked about cream, the women there told us they weren't serving cream, that this was a healthy fruit salad, and she was sure we'd rather be healthy, wouldn't we?' 'No,' we wouldn't Stace told her.' We'd rather have lots of cream to jam up our arteries with.' As we expected, the woman looked shocked, but we bought some anyway and took it back under some shade to eat

The kids were all yelling and squealing, silly little morons.

Nearby was a Mum with two daughters, both who were whingeing about being thirsty.

Their mother was asking them where their drink bottles were, and it appeared they'd put them down somewhere and lost them.

' I lost mine at the bean-bag race,' said the younger one.

'Well don't think you're getting another one Ava,'snapped their mother.

'We want Coke' the kids whined.

'Ms Parker-Carr has already said there isn't any of that for sale today. This is a healthy school fete. Do you girls have children?'asked the woman.

' No, we said in unison, we don't want any.'

'I'm sure you'll change your mind, but it is hard work.'

I think we can help with a drink, said Stace and held out the bottle of water to the two girls; at least we thought it was the water. We were a bit alarmed at how much the girls seemed to drink.

This water is different Mum. It tastes really good.'

'Give these girls back their water now, ' said the mum

'They can have a bit more, we don't mind.' said Stace.

I whispered to Stace: 'Did you give them water or Vodka?'

'I think it was the  Vodka, but too late now.'

'Damn, that's less for us. Did you see how much they gulped down?'

'Mum, my head's feeling funny.'

'So's mine,' said the other girl whose name we found out was Ashlyn.

'We want to go to sleep.'

'No I want to be sick, Mum.'

We both agreed that it was time to move on, so went to look at the 'Yummy Mummy' competition. We thought some of the mummies looked quite old. They walked around in a circle, then around the other way. We reckoned they all looked like rich bitches who were mega competitive with each other, complete with hair extensions in varying shades, plastic surgery, showing off trout mouths, rigid faces and trim bodies courtesy of a gym-junkie lifestyle.

On parade; the 'yummy mummies'

Just then we remembered we were supposed to be taking some photos, so we hastily took some of the Yummy Mummies, one of the stalls selling chickpea burgers and we already had one of the tunnel ball game where the girls were kicking each other's backsides.

At last came the announcement for the winner. Apparently old Father Cedric was supposed to be the judge. He said 'I know I was supposed to only pick one Yummy Mummy, but I've been looking at you all closely, very closely indeed.'

'I bet he has' I whispered to Stace, who giggled.

'I have therefore decided that you're all as yummy as each other. Super yummy yummy and for that reason you'll all get a voucher to have a facial at Delfine's Academy of Beauty in Jewel Park.'

'They all look the same,' I said to Stace, 'that's why he couldn't choose'. Stace nodded in agreement.

'But that's in Scrubber-Town, we can't possibly go there' shrieked one of the yummy Mummies.

'That Delfine has a terrible reputation', said another. Her studio is filthy and her pupils are all out of control.'

We didn't wait to listen to any more.,but suddenly we saw Ashlyn and Ava's mother coming towards us and she didn't look happy.

We wanted to make a quick exit, but there wasn't time.

'What a day' said the woman.' First, one's sick, then the other. Must be the sun.'

'Yes, that must be what it is,' we replied hastily. We were sure she'd think that her daughters had drunk something bad from our water bottles, which they had; neat Vodka, and their Mum had no clue.

We said good-bye and hoped her girls got better, and tried hard not to laugh.

Polly was making an announcement on the mike;

'Will the under 14's over and under team please report to me. '

Stace and I looked for something else to eat, but there were only chickpea burgers, Tofu Melts, Vegie and Chickpea salad and Lentil /Chickpea soup. Didn't these people want fun food? Dr Ina Eppit must have provided the menu. Stace and I were disgusted. There wasn't even any decent bread, only dry grainy stuff that takes all day to chew.

Health food nuts try to pretend that their choices are a good substitute. Not in our book they're not.

None of the healthy foods on offer appealed to Lacey and Stacey.

'Will the under 14's Over and Under' team please report to me. If you don't hurry the afternoon programme will be disrupted.'

' For the last time, under 14's Over and Under team, please.'

'I wonder where the little buggers have got to?' said Stace'. Come on let's sit down over there

behind the Grandstand.'

So we ambled over and that's when we saw them: the under 14's who were hooking up with a large group of boys, some of whom we know have recently come out of the Dark Park Detention Centre.

We don't shock easily, but both of us took in deep sudden breaths at this group of early, very wayward teens. Just about all of them had taken their tops off, and were showing off very fancy bras, and also had their sports skirts hoisted up and tucked into their knickers. Then they all started to 'hook up' and some even changed partners. We watched for a while, but it was getting too hot and heavy even for us.

Suddenly Stacey turned to me and said;

' I know what we have to do,'

'What?' I hissed at her, 'What are you talking about?' But Stace was running back across the oval to Polly Parker-Carr and I couldn't keep up.

Suddenly Stacey was grabbing the mike and made this announcement;

'Mums, Dads, special Invited guests whoever you are, and girls, I have a very important news item for you. While you've been enjoying your coffees and bitchy gossip sessions, guess where your skanky little daughters are? Not prim and proper, representing their school, getting ready for the under 14s Under and Over race. No, the little tarts are at this minute down behind the grandstand for an extra-curricular lesson in advanced sexual techniques. Not that they need any help from what we saw. Who'd have thought their little girl would behave in this way, but they have and they are. By the way, their clothes are all over the place so youse might like to take something to cover them up with. Just thought you might like to know. Oh and one more thing; it might pay to take your girls to the emergency room for the Morning After Pill. Continue to enjoy the afternoon.'

Continue to enjoy the afternoon ? I said, giggling, 'After you've said that?

'Well, it's true. You saw it too.'

We heard horrified screams and shrieks from many of the mums and that's when Stace said: ' Now we have to get out of here, before we get heaps of questions. Head straight for the gate and don't look back.'

We made it to the gate, only once being stopped by none other than Penny Parker Carr and her BFFS, Paige and Paris. Just as well you're going, you trouble-makers. Aunt Polly is probably going to sue you for misrepresentation about girls at the school.

'Piss off', retorted Stacey. As a prefect, you should be going to help your aunt sort out the under 14s instead of hanging out down here smoking weed, and drinking champagne. Just so you know, we can smell it; the weed that is. I'll take a photo to remind us of a fun day. I'll be sure to send a copy to your Aunt Polly. Yoo hoo.'

'Come on Lace, time to go.'

We grabbed the first taxi we could find and howled with laughter all the way back to Scrubber-Town where we headed straight for the Bogan Bar and ordered Raving Lunatics and Rocket Boosters and bags of chips each, cos we were starving. We told Marissa and Delfine that we didn't return to work because we both had sunstroke and sunburn.

It would appear that there's not much difference in the standard of behaviour between OLSF and DPHS, regardless of location or status. 

Do youse think that Stacey gave Ava and Ashlyn the neat Vodka?

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