I came out of the bathroom sweating profusely.
I opened my window and sat there.
Wrapped the shawl around me and closed myself.

"Are you alright Mahnoor?" Masirah asked looking at me.

I just nodded. I don't know why my anxiety is driving me out wretched. I sit here from morning till the dullness on the Sun rays turn dispatch to darkness. Safa tells I'm not the same,I agree and I won't ever be the same again,I keep changing. No changes are for better,nor for good.

It's been a tedious process, a longing month since I've returned from 'Firdous'.

I wanted to stay back so bad. Nothing worked.

My mind runs back to that night,a very faint flashback assembles.

"What's the time?" He asked.

I glanced at my phone,9:22pm.

He called for Masirah,she attended in about a few minutes. He advised her to request Mawra but in a way that's she doesn't tag along,she casually asked. Mawra wasn't well this morning,it wasn't a difficult guess that she would not join us.

He brought his car on the front entrance and we both accompanied him to miles away.

I was scared but I knew what he was doing. I wanted this to happen,it was the worst way but better late than never.

He parked along a small house. I was afraid, all kinds of emotions were running through me. Would I really do this?

He was doing it....if he can do it,if he can do this for me,I would do it.....

Initially after a lot of talking,an old man came out.

He was wearing all white,his skin speckled with patience,his sharp features and deep eyes were tiresome. Now it had been an hour since we drove from home. Around this village,night falls early.

I retested myself.

Burhan came to me. Every time when I see doubt in his eyes,when I see his undecidable contour,it scares me,it scares me so bad that I'm losing him. And I would bear nothing now to lose him,so whenever he falls weak he makes me want this strongly.

"Will you marry me now?" Burhan asked in a voice that was contained in a frightening portion.

"Will you...?" I asked unsurely.

And now this silence, this deathlike silence,this deary silence fans the fire in my heart- why Burhan, why don't you want me as Much as I want you?

There rose a turbulent storm in me,a feisty wild thunderstorm!
I am here,a lady of dainty and weak frame standing tall and gallantly to face what may come. Sacrificing all dreams I have of a wedding gown and every small and grand wish in me,here standing like a rock to marry you....to marry without her father's hand on hers,without her brother's eyes on her, without her mother's smile on her,here in some rugged clothes she doesn't like with a face with falling tears and hopeful eyes...all and everything at stake behind to marry you and you decide to seal your lips with this priding silence that makes me feel so unwanted......

"I Will...." He said at last.

Now still I would marry you. I ask myself why?
Because I love him. Because I trust his love over his indignity.
His absurdity of indecisiveness. Because of his fear of Allah more than his love for me and lastly because I know he is only in love with me.

We entered the small room,a small oil lamp and battery lights to help see for there was no light.

The old was to carry out the ceremony of the Nikah. His two sons and Masirah were to bear witness.

I never in my life would have imagined to be married in such state but my life has been cruel.

The old man asked for my name,Burhan gave both our names but he laughed "I know your name Burhan,your father invited me to your Reception son"

We went pale.

"Do you wish your father to be told of this?" He said in a soft tone.

I looked at Burhan, his head falls,his eyes tears up and he just shook his head.

"Do you want to have another wife?" He asked again.

Burhan just nodded,why is he ashamed?another wife?

"You understand the haq of the wife,if you are to marry another; let me remind you again that you should only marry more than one if you think you are able to deal justly with both" he warned him not even once meeting his eyes.

Burhan yet again nodded, he looked pitiful.

"Yet if you feel you cannot deal justly son,don't do anything to call Allah's punishment on you." He stated and now Burhan looked at me,I don't know what he's trying to say?! He makes me feel incredibly helpless inside. I can feel his guilt run from his eyes to his cheeks,he closed his eyes.

"I love her and I sincerely wish to marry her" burhan spoke with his voice unavailable to attend this breaking breath at every word.

"Alright. But as may know not only would you have to distribute your wealth and distribute to their needs equally but also you have to love them justly,Allah's judgement states that if you favor one wife with all the love and care and neglect the other, one's half body would be paralyzed on the day of Judgment."

His lips pressed in a hard line,he was extremely guilty. I knew now that he was stepping back,I know how Much Burhan fears Allah. But I needed to remind him how Much I loved him.

"He knows,he would do everything fair. You should proceed it's getting too late in the night" I spoke grasping his hand.

"Mahnoor,are you sure we should do this?" He quickly turned.

Why Burhan? Why don't you want me as much as I want you?

"Mahnoor,this life would be harder for yourself, I would be tested,you would be tested after all we have come here chasing the discontents of our hearts....I fear my Lord Mahnoor!" He said now dropping into the state of delirium.

"I know all your fears,I know them all. I accept all those hardships,I will compromise and suffer all the disdain.I would accept Mehreen to be forth,I would nevertheless be against her. I ask for you and your love,don't walk aback Burhan,that I cannot bear. Marry me now,it's getting too late" I said helping down the tears that fell on my crossed fingers.

Though we agreed on the nikah,I knew we both were unstable inside. Burhan had but only a small silver chain and a deep black and tangerine shawl,beautifully embroidered with skills of a craftsman's prestige;that was my Mahr. I loved these two objects more than anything in world.

We walked to the car back again,a nikah one of a type in which the room was crying in guilt and the bride was just sad for the groom. Masirah wasn't happy at all. I had to quite her all along. My own sister didn't wanted my happiness. She so salty said yes to be the witness.

We drove past the market. "I'll get some dates" Burhan said as he got out of the car.

It was the only small drugstore cum Shop open yet.

He brought two packages.

When we reached Firdous,Masirah stepped out and slammed the door hotly before she left.

I and Burhan stayed in the car.

"Mahnoor,I am sorry. But henceforth nothing in this world would keep you away from me. I am happy for us,I am the happiest. Don't be sad like that,come here" he said bringing me closer to his chest.

I broke down in heavy sobs. I released all the guilt, the distasteful emotions and then I looked at him. He looked relieved,happier.

When he looks like this I wonder why I even doubt him,he's complicated to be understood.

He kissed me "I will distribute the dates tomorrow morning, walima would done exactly the way I wanted to!"

"You sound excited" I stated sniffing back my tears.

"I am! I love you Mahnoor,we did everything we wanted to. This wedding was perfect. You wore white,we both cried at the nikah and I bore the expenses myself and you're still crying like a perfect bride. Woah! We even bought dates!" He said cheering me up,pulling my cheeks.

"I'm wearing my pyjamas and you bought third grade quality dates from the drugstore" I said shaking my head.

"It was perfect!" He still cheered.

I love him and he smiled. "I should go now, Masirah has left" I said and stepped out of the car.

"Mahnoor!" He called,

I turned and looked at him. He looks so happy.

He came to me and kissed me again. "Your wedding gift" he said as again he locked his breath in mine.

I smiled at him.I felt so in love.
Maybe it was perfect.

The next day he distributed the dates without anybody realizing that they were of our walima.

The two days after we were the happiest couple on planet. I had never felt this happy ever before. Like now everything we were doing was not bringing us the guilt of ruining our deen but bringing us blessings.

Masirah still isn't happy of this marriage but she has accepted, that without this too,I would be miserable. I returned without Burhan,I returned with a fight.

I wanted him to confess,he didn't .
He kept saying he needed some time,I couldn't understand why? I had to urge him again. I lost.

He was to return in a few days but he didn't come here. He returned to his city and now he lives there...happily? I hope so. Happily with Mehreen? I don't want this to happen.

My only fights and my only fright is of Mehreen. I don't want Burhan to fall for her. I lied. I can share all the wealth,all the positions,all the flattering lifestyle that comes with Burhan,in fact she can have them whole ;the only thing I won't share is Burhan.

I don't want him to love us equally,I don't want him love her at all.I cannot share him,I know I agreed to all this but this envy and insecurity rises in me. What if he begins to love her more? I would die,I wouldn't be able to see that. I know I cannot keep her away from him but my heart does not understand this worldly bands.

I love Burhan and only wish to be his,as I wish him to be only mine.

So since I've returned I'm only fighting in that cause,I know Mehreen is so great at pausing people in her ambiance that Burhan would stay with her and within her,he would find the love, he cannot find in me because we are miles away.

I'm petrified of the thought of losing Burhan. I love him. He says he cannot gather the courage to tell his mother! I would do that but he condemns me to do so. He gibes me all these excuses,Tells me uncle isn't well.

I'm Here restless and intoxicated. He would forget me!

It's been two months! I've shut down my phone with myself. I don't talk to anybody. I keep myself wrapped myself in the shawl,I don't know what I will do in near future and they all are ready to fix my engagement to Zaid.

Like all this wasn't enough!

This responsibility! Oh lord! Till what extent am I to be tested!

I'm not taking his calls but he cannot come to me once to see of I'm alright!

What am I to do!

This pride and ego would ruin us! I picked my phone and called him. "Hello! Mahnoor!" Mehreen's voice deregulated my breath.

I switched off my phone. I took another tablet. My head hurts from this depression. I took a bag stuffed my clothes,zipped.

Enough rest Burhan! You cannot stay a coward anymore!

I pushed the bag from the window simultaneously throwing the chair on the floor in my room so that sound my bag would make behind the backdoor would be curbed under the sound of the of chair. It did fool the ears.

After the lunch when I went outside to throw the garbage bag into the bin,I took my bag and ran out. I had little money but enough determination. I had to do this,my future was in the hands of this one trip. I took a train. It was only after one whole hour that my absence was noticed. Usually I leave for my room immediately after cleaning the dinner table.I've switched on my phone when I reached the city in three hours,it was 6:08 pm. I have messages and calls from everyone from 4pm onwards. My heart hasn't set to it's normal rate for even an instance.

I took a cab eagerly and headed to his house. Nothing can stop me now,you are not only my love Burhan but my obstinateness.